I've been living with my guy for two years now. He's been incarceratd for about a year now and he'll be home this winter. There were other women before me that he's told me about. He opened up to me about being violent with them. It got to the point where some of these women had to be admitted in the hospital for broken jaws, ruptured ear drums, he almost bit off this woman's lip for talking with a guy in the club. I thought he was just telling me these things to make himslef look cool until I actually met three of the women these things happened to. The love was already there for him so I couldn't just pick up and leave. My family has been trying for the longest to break us up but I wanted to give him a chance. Well he's never gotten violent with me but it's almost happened twice. He raised his hands to hit me but he never carried on with it. I always tell myself no matter what he'll never put his hands on me. Well he's been calling alot from jail and gets upset when I'm not there to answer the phone or he'll get crazy if he doesn't get at least four letters a week. He's even threatened me on the phone a couple times. I don't want to believe that he could get violent with me becuse i love him and he loves me but what if he does? What if when he comes home this coming winter he finally snaps. I don't know what to do. It's not just physica l violence, it's verbal as well. He really makes me feel like shit sometimes. Maybe it's because he's locked down and frustrated but I'm frustrated to. I don't know if I want him around me when he gets out. How the hell am I going to tell the man I love that he scares me sometimes even though he's a phone call away.? Is that wise?

HAZELLE,

No matter how much we want to give them a chance they will never stop completely.. I had been in a controlling relationship for a very long time. Dont blame yourself and just get out of this volitile relationship.

Its true...they have to want to change and know that it is wrong to abuse others whether it is mental or physical. Do you think if you told him that he would change or try to get help with it? I have been in an abusive relationship but only for a couple of months. I took off running really quick! I even put a restraining order on his butt to keep him away from me. You have to put your safety first no matter what.

I know from sad first hand experience how this goes. My ex explained to me in the beginning how he almost broke his ex's kneecap because he thought she was cheating. I looked at him in shock, thinking "What am I getting into?". He looked at me, smiling, as sweet as can be and said "Oh, but I would never do ANYTHING like that to you." Yeah.... and I bought it. Not too long after, I thought I heard him call me a b----. I said "Did you call me a b-----?" "No! Of course not!" Then he got mad and threw a lighter at me and missed. And I let it go because he missed. And then came grabbing my shirt and swinging me around. Then came outright slapping.

Are you getting the picture? Each time I excused it, each time I minimized it, like "Well, he didn't actually hit me." "Well, I am sure when he grabbed my shirt and swung me he didn't think he'd bruise my arms so bad."

When I went to a class in domestic violence, I learned about a useful analogy. They talked about how you can put a frog in a pan of water and slowly turn up the heat. And if you do it ever so slowly, the frog will sit there, and quietly boil to death, because the frog grows so accustomed to the small changes, that by the time the water is deadly hot, the frog doesn't know enough to jump out.

..Well he's been calling alot from jail and gets upset when I'm not there to answer the phone or he'll get crazy if he doesn't get at least four letters a week. He's even threatened me on the phone a couple times...
hazelle -

Unfortunately, there's the answer to your question right there. The control has already started. When he gets out it will be much, much worse. Right now the only thing he can do is verbally abuse you, but when he gets out I can almost guarantee you it will get physical. Either end it with him now, or next time you talk to him you tell him that unless he gets into some kind of counseling or anger management program, you want nothing to do with him. Then when he calls, don't answer the phone.

It's a harsh reality, but you already know the answers don't you? Seems to me he's actually proud of the damage he's done to these other women. From someone who's been there, it's something those women will carry around for the rest of their lives.

Good luck,

Kelly

hazalle,

i know this is hard stuff, usually if the did it before they will do it again, unless they want to change, and get help..

but, you also posted a thread about his being "weak in bed," which i thought sounded selfish the way you described it..but, now having read this thread i am more concerned...this all doesn't sound right..

maybe, talk with a counselor, about what is going on to get some outside, professional advice..

i am really sorry you are going through this..
you can pm me anytime..
francis

Yeah, by any chance are you dating my ex? Weak in bed, controlling, and violent? Could be the same guy.... Although he would be 32, not 39. Bet he looks at least 39 now though with his balding head and long-term drug and alcohol abuse

You are already showing the signs on an abused woman. Even though the abuse has not gotten physical yet, you are showing signs.

It got to the point where some of these women had to be admitted in the hospital for broken jaws, ruptured ear drums, he almost bit off this woman's lip for talking with a guy in the club.
This right here is something that alarms me. Do NOT make excuses for him. No man has ANY right to put his hands on a woman, regardless of what she does or says.

I always tell myself no matter what he'll never put his hands on me.
Do not listen to him if he feeds you the "I will never do that to you" crap. If he's done it before, he'll do it again. Unless he gets counselling, he wont change.

What if when he comes home this coming winter he finally snaps. I don't know what to do. It's not just physical violence, it's verbal as well
That right there should tell you that there is already a problem that needs to be addressed. Do NOT put up with this any longer. Tell him that either he gets counselling, or you are not going to stay with him. You need to stand up for yourself now, before he comes home. Do NOT let him convince you to stay without getting some help.

You've recognized the problem. Now you have to try to fix it. Good Luck, and we're all here if you need someone to talk to.

believe it-- he will get violent. pesonally-- i would go **poof.** the man you are describing to me sounds like my ex. i thought it was so "special" when he opened up to me about his childhood and growing up in the georgia juvenile detention halls and getting tied to a chair with guards pouring ice cold water on him. i thought it was "special" when he told me that he used to tie up his women to chairs, turn the tv up real loud and beat them with clothes hangers, cigarette burns, choke them till they passed out. and -- silly me-- i thought that i was immune. i couldn't believe that after revealing the truth of his cold soul to me that he could possibly hurt me. well-- he's still doing time for attempted murder and aggravated stalking. get out now while your ahead of the game. i actually had to plan an "escape" from the above mentioned man. and like tina turner says, "what's love got to do with it?"

thanks for the useful advice. i guess i should stop being so naive.

he called today but i didn't answer the phone. it felt good to finally take some control but at the same time i felt kind of bad because maybe i should have talked to him about counseling like you suggested.

i'm new to this site and i thought it would be helpful to post different topics concerning my problems. i wasn't sure if i should come right out with everything at once. there's still the question lingering wether or not i should leave him. how do you leave somebody you love? yes i'm not happy with everything that's going on but how can i just leave him? i wouldn't know what to say to him. what happens when he gets out in october and comes to my house. then what? i don't know how upset he'll be or what he'll do.

hazelle,
You have to tell him how you feel over the phone... Then you'll probably see some of his true rage... Listen to these women... It feels so nice to have someone love you so much that they get upset about you... But this guy has a history longer than you are...

I would tell him of my fears and then tell him that if he wants to continue to be in your life that he'll have to go to anger control (long term) before you ever move in together...

Don't play russian roulette with your life...

that's the hard part. i'm afraid to write him these things yet alone tell him over the phone. he called today and i didn't answer the phone. i keep telling myself not to be afraid. he can't do to much behind bars. but then the thought of him getting out in october is weighing on me to

thanks so much for your advice. i want to do the right thing but i'm afraid. i've always been weak when it comes to facing people. i guess more or less i'm afraid of how he'll react.

wow! pretty intense. i will do the right thing for my son and myself. i'll find a way to work up the courage!

Listen to what you're saying!!! You're AFRAID to write these fears to him, and you're AFRAID to talk to him about it over the phone... And you're already having anxiety over his release in October... Think about this... Now the mom in me is kicking in... If you were my own daughter, I'd do everything in my power to keep you away from this man... I would be afraid for your life...

You need to find out what his reaction will be before he's released!! If it's not the one you can live with, then that would be your clue to get a restraining order against him BEFORE he's released, and then if he bothers you at all, you'll already have protection lined up...
I am truly worried that this could end up a bad situation for you if you don't show just a little assertive behavior right now, before you feel totally stuck with him...

!!!!!!!!HAZELLE!!!!!!!!

i re-read this whole thread...i am more concerned then ever!!!!!

this is really, really, really bad!!!!!!1

if my man threatened me over the phone from prison.......i would run like hell, i am serious!!!!!

why be with someone who makes you feel horrible, as you said...

when he gets out, i wouldn't be at your place..

maybe, move or stay with your parents.....

seriously, honey, this sounds really serious!!!!!

he sounds like a ugly monster...

there is nothing cool about beating people, absolutely nothing!!!

my prayers are with you!!
Believe in yourself, you deserve a loving man who adores, and cherishes you!!!!!!
pm me anytime
francis

Hazelle - Consider This A Head Start For You! You've Got 6 Months To Get Your Act Together. All The Advice Here Is Excellent. You Yourself Had The Answers Before You Even Posted. If You Were Looking For Back Up, You Certainly Got It Here! I Suggest You Go See Him And Tell Him. There Are Guards There Right? He Can Hang Up The Phone, Or "not Get" A Letter. This Time Will Also Give Him Time To Either Deal With It Or Freak. Think Of Yourself And Son.

My gosh, I read up to where he bet his ex's lip off omg, that alone gave me bad fibes. That is not normal, in fact that is way past the extrme of being abusive, those are controlling, anger, needs, and all that in one package and they make the most dangerous type of abusive relationship.

I am wondering, did he tell you this in remorse, or to try to scare the crap out of you?

Someone that I know and cared for stood by a husband who the State felt was dangerous to their children. She would stand there and vigorously tell anyone that he would never harm their children. Yet this is a man who beat her. She kept having kids with him and the state kept taking them and adopting them out because they felt that she put her own need to "be with him" over the safety of her kids. She never laid a finger on her kids, worked, had prenatal care, but her "failure to protect" her kids from him was considered a flaw fatal enough for her to lose her parental rights too. The thing about this is that any kid at anytime can come to the attention of CPS, even for an accident. What started out as a suspicious injury brought CPS into their lives, and they started digging and before you know it, you have to justify every decision in your life.

In case anyone doubts how vicious and unforgiving CPS can be, I have heard from the mouth of a CPS attorney that if he has his way, no one with a learning disability should be able to raise kids.

In case anyone doubts how vicious and unforgiving CPS can be, I have heard from the mouth of a CPS attorney that if he has his way, no one with a learning disability should be able to raise kids.


that is truely evil (cps)...that certainly doesn't like the children are the ones there is concern for but, rather not allowing certain people to reproduce...this is completely inhumane, and if we think we are immune to such actions...one never knows when we will be the one determined unfit to reproduce...

Hazelle,

Be of good courage. You're one of the fortunate women who are getting the chance to learn the "easier" way. I believe you are a strong woman and will do what your gut tells you is best for you.

God Bless You.

PM me anytime.

The state will take a child from a woman who is with a violent man on the grounds that even if the child is not attacked by the man, it's child abuse for that child to have to live in a home where the mother is abused. I agree, wholeheartedly. CPS told me when I was in a women's refuge that if I continued to stay with my last abuser, they'd take my daughter and I'd never see her again. That helped motivate me to get counselling and it changed my life.

Your thinking is what will keep you in an abusive relationship or get you right into another one if you get out of this one. My thinking is what kept me in abusive relationships till I was 40------right out of one into another one. Most women's refuges will help you to get counselling even if you can't afford it if you contact them.

Get OUT of this relationship! Move! Change your phone number! Send letters back to him unopened and have the prison put a sanction against him to stop him from writing to you! Get a restraining order before he ever gets out! What this man has already done to other women and admitted to you he's done scares the heck out of me! You're the little frog in that pan of water, so you need to let others who have been there, like the ladies who have responded to you here, do your thinking for you to make you jump out of the pan. You could end up brain dead at his hands or be the first homicide for him.

This man is is not going to change. He likes what he does and has no remorse or he wouldn't be telling you so openly about it. Even men who hate what they do and seek counselling will still abuse. They do it less frequently, but more severely when they finally do abuse again. The fact that he's telling you about it means he may just be testing to see if you're smart enough to move on or if you're going to stay with him.

I've had a LOT of abusive men in my life but I've been in recovery for it now since 1985. I had counselling by a POW counsellor who specialized in Vietnam vets and their flashbacks because I was having flashbacks after having nearly lost my life that last time. I've been there, believe me! And in the 19 years I've been healing from abuse, I've worked with a lot of other abused women.

Please take every step you can to protect yourself and to let this man know you want nothing more to do with him. You have to stand up to him strongly right now or he'll think you're weak and you'll have a much harder time getting rid of him and staying safe. None of us would lie to you or mislead you and none of us are hardened against men. We're trying to help you save your own life. Please be safe for your son and yourself!

I haven't read all the other posts yet so, sorry if I repeat anything anyone else has said...

First, I think if you're scared of him, let him go. That's the worst way to live... and in my experiences, it doesn't get better. You'll be tip toeing around trying not to upset him because you're scared of how he'll react.

And second, if he was violent before, doesn't mean he's going to be violent now. Although most the men I can think of right now that have been violent with girlfriends always have been and most likely always will be. But I do know one that's changed. After something like 15 years he found someone new and the violence just stopped. I'm not sure exactly why... but it did. So, it is possible for them to change.

I think of it more like its a disease. They need help. GUys who treat girls like that have severe jealousy problems and control problems. I don't think they will change ever

It takes a lot of courage to change. I left a ten-year marriage because I could see where I was headed if I didn't. He died within two years of my leaving him. I have lived to surpass my wildest dreams of healing. :yay:

Okay, yes I was in denial of many things. I was very young, naive, and in love...with the only frame of reference of love I'd known up till that time. I was also ashamed to admit to my family what was happening to me. The point I'm trying to make is that it's never too late as long as you're breathing. I sincerely hope and pray that anyone in that type of situation will get the help they need long before it becomes desparate.


It takes a lot of courage to change. I left a ten-year marriage because I could see where I was headed if I didn't. He died within two years of my leaving him. I have lived to surpass my wildest dreams of healing. :yay:

I truly believe that this is your time to break free without being physically abused. Tell him how you feel, there is nothing he can do to you behind bars. Wouldn't you rather find out his reaction over the telephone than face to face where he can really hurt you. Please do something for yourself, this might be your only chance.

Mish