Hi all! I would be interested in hearing from the survivors of domestic violence and what you did to get out of the situation, etc.

For me, I ended up going on an extended vacation and my ex lost interest in me, so when I eventually moved out, he didn't care too much. Of course, depending on the situation, the threats continued.

Anyone care to share their story?

Kelly

HI! I WAS WITH MY DAUGHTERS FATHER FOR 10 YEARS. I HAD TRIED TO LEAVE MANY TIMES BUT THE PROMISES ALWAYS KEPT ME COMING BACK. ONE DAY I DECIDED I WAS SICK OF THE CRAP AND THE BROKEN PROMISES AND CALLED MY FRIEND IN NY (MY HOMETOWN) SHE TOLD ME I COULD STAY WITH HER UNTIL I COULD FIND A JOB AND AN APARTMENT. ONE DAY HE LEFT FOR WORK AND I PUT EVERYTHING I COULD FIT IN MY CAR AND A LITTLE TOW BEHIND U - HAUL AND TOOK MY DAUGHTER AND WE LEFT SC FOR NY. I LEFT SO MUCH BEHIND HOUSE , ETC. BUT WE STARTED OVER AND I HAVE NEVER REGRETTED IT. THAT WAS 4 1/2 YEARS AGO!:)

nickave -

Good for you!! I did the same thing. I just posted my story here actually. I grabbed what I could and got out, and thank God every day that I did.

Kelly

I JUST FINISHED READING YOUR STORY AND IT AMAZES ME HOW MEN CAN BE SO CRUEL. LEAVING WAS THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE BUT I HAVE NEVER REGRETTED IT. ALOT OF PEOPLE JUDGED ME IT WAS UNFAIR TO TAKE HIS DAUGHTER SO FAR AWAY FROM HIM ETC, ETC. TO WHICH I SAY DRASTIC TIMES CALL FOR DRASTIC MEASURES. PEOPLE THAT HAVE NEVER BEEN THROUGH IT ARE VERY QUICK TO USE THE LINES SHE MUST LIKE IT OR SHE'D LEAVE ETC. I'M SURE YOU'VE HEARD THEM ALL. IT IS VERY SAD THAT THEY CAN MENTALLY DESTROY YOU. IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF AGAIN. I KNOW NOW THAT I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO NEVER LIVE THAT KIND OF LIFE AGAIN. AND I HOPE THAT MY DAUGHTER NEVER GOES THOUGH IT.
NIKKI

I was with my ex-husband for a year before we were married and was treated like gold. As soon as we jumped the broom, he really changed. Within 2 weeks I was stabbed 5 times in the thighs and beat to the point that I'm deaf in one ear. They refused to call it a DV and charged him with Felonious Assult instead. It carried more time than what would have been a misdemeanor charge. He got 18 years and I got on with my life. I'm with a lifer now, but I'm also mean enough that if a man ever puts his hands on me again it will be the last thing he does. They will go under the justice center. Anger has driven me to be more wary and very cautious.

Lisa -

Thanks so much for sharing your story :)

As with all DV survivors I think, it changes us in a good way. We are stronger, more wary, and are more determined.

I'm glad you got on with your life! :)

Kelly

For me the violence ended when he thought he had killed me. I was 8 months pregnant and after a severe beating I lapsed into a coma for over 40 hours. It scared him enough to "cure" him. We later divorced, but he got some help and has never laid a hand on his second wife.

mrs

I was warned that if I ever tried to take his daughter from him, he'd kill me. I believed him. After 5 years of having a horrible relationship I was sick of it! I can count on one hand the times he hit me...but even that was too many. I knew it was time to leave when I started planning ways to kill him. I knew that if we fought again, it would be either me or him...and I was determined it was going to be him. I convinced him that I couldnt pay the rent for the month and that we were going to be evicted. I left that day with over 800.00 in my purse, my daughters clothes, and I went to a shelter.

He found out where I was, but this was a facility that housed many abused/homeless women and children. The men had a separate side for homelessness/ex-cons. I had informed the director that my ex might try to find me. When he showed up demanding to see me and his daughter, 3 of the biggest guys I'd ever seen stood in front of the entrance..waiting for him to try something stupid. He left and didnt come back, but he did attempt to call frequently using aliases. I instructed the director to block any calls for me from a male.

He gave up after a month and I was grateful...but soon afterwards I found out I was pregnant with his second child. But I was stronger then...and I'm strong now. I'm like Rottndobelover...if any man attempts to harm me in any way, that will be the last time. I have been scarred. My ordeal made me become a bitter person towards men. Then I met my fiancee last year and I completely changed how I felt about men. I realized that not all men get off on hurting women...

you all are such courageous, and strong amazing women..

no young girl dreams of growing up and marrying the love of her life who will beat her, stab her, threaten her and all of the heinous things that an abuser can do..

so to ever suggest such ignorant words that she likes it etc. is simply insensitive and foolish...

anyone, can end up with an abuser... it is not about the woman, it is about the abuser..

Thank G-d you had the courage, or whatever it took to get a way..

i hope you all have lovely, and peaceful relationships today, or it's on it's way;}
francis

I believe that when any person will terrorize (and that's exactly what this behavior is) another person who might not be as strong, it breaks their spirit down and that's where the loss of self-esteem comes in. I was treated like property and the only man who ever could say that I belonged to him was my father! I was also told that he had a right to dicipline me, which that honor belonged to my father also. My father is dead and I'm my own person. Nobody can change a behavior except for that person themselves.

I just want to give big (((((((((( hugs ))))))))) to you courageous ladies! I have never been in an abusive relationship, but I have seen it happen one time too many.. .my mother, my bestfriend, etc. I know the social stigma that comes along with it when a woman is being abused and she "stays." Society's only job is to destroy the character and morale of humans and it's not fair. But I love hearing survivor stories such as these.
I vowed when I was a child that I would be active in the process of reducing, preventing child/domestic abuse... whether it be violence, sexual, substance, suicide, etc...

Thanks ladies for sharing your stories!

Yasmeen -

I am the same way...I have serious, serious trust issues. I've learned that not everyone is out to hurt you, but I still have a very big wall up when I meet new people, and I still get very, very closed up when I'm around people I don't know. I find that I have to watch a situation for a while before I'll jump in and contribute.

You were so very, very smart to leave like that. I too heard the same threats, and believed them, which made me too afraid to try a shelter. Besides, I had to work and he knew where I worked. He came up to my job trying to get to me quite a few times.

Even today, when Nick goes to touch my face, I instinctively back away or flinch. It hurts him so much to see me do that, but he understands why. At least with him, I know I'm safe. But it's going to take a while before I stop having that reaction.

Kelly

I was with my ex for a little over 3 years. Our first year together was magnificent. it couldn't have been better. We met when he'd just gotten out prison and was in the halfway house. Things were great. we moved in together only a couple of months after being together. On our anniversary I found out I was pregnant with our first child. Things couldn't have been better. Then he went to a Christmas Eve party at a buddies house and when he left, he forgot his keys inside. He went back to get them, and they wouldn't let him in. So he busted down the door. Of course he came running home dropped off his coat and stuff and took off without so much as a goodbye. Not 5 mins later, I was asleep on the couch, and woke up to lights shining in all of my windows and pounding on the front and back door. I opened up and it was the cops. They searched the house high and low for him, but as I told him he wasn't there. About an hour later they called and said they had him custody. He ended up having to finish off his parole in county. Well, while he was in there doing his time, I was having terrible troubles with my pregnancy. On Jan 17th of 2000, I had a stillborn. My baby died during an ultra sound. I called up to the jail and they granted us a special visit since we'd already used all of our visits for the week. He was a complete jerk. He never said he blamed me, but he wasn't ever the same. When he got out of county, that's when the beatings started. He was so violent. While he was beating me he'd tell me that I killed his son and that it was all my fault. It wasn't as I had major hemorraging and that's why the baby didn't make it. So from then on, I never knew when he'd put hands on me. He'd stay gone for days and nights a time, and when he'd come home, he'd beat me for no reason. The first time I left it was b/c he threw a decorated pasta glass at me and got me on the head. I vowed not to go back, but the baby, I love you I miss you it will never happen again got me. I went back. Of course, it happend again and again. I was young and dumb. On our next anniversary, I found out I was pregnant with our second child. I thought things would be better. Nope. He was gone more now than ever. He was always high on something or drunker than a two dollar hooker. It didnt' matter if we were at home or in the car, he'd beat me if I didn't do what he said. I got to the point I didn't care if he ever came back. I left him and went back, left and went back, and finally two and a half months before my son was born, I'd had enough. He'd already been gone for two days straight. I knew it was the perfect time as he'd never let me go if he was there. He came home while I was putting things in bags. He asked what I was doing. I just told him I was cleaning out old clothes that I wouldnt' wear any more. Thankfully he bought it. I knew he was drunk and high on something and I didn't care what. I just wanted him gone. So I picked a fight with him just so he'd leave again. i already knew that one of his buddies was downstairs waiting for him. Sure enough, he whooped the mess out of me and hit me in the stomach and everything. As soon as he left, I called my girl bawling my eyes out and told her I needed her to bring over her man's truck and help me get my stuff out. I packed up all of my clothes and the things I used on a daily basis. I broke our pictures in the frames before I left and left them on the floor of the living room and walked out the door, locked it and never looked back. Then right before I had my son, I decided we coudl try and be friends. It was okay. He wanted me back, but there's no way I would do it again. My son was 6 days old, I took him over to my ex's aunts house and it was just the 3 of us. My ex wanted my son and I told him no. I was holding him tight, b/c I saw the hate in his eyes. I knew what was coming or so I thought. He snatched my baby out of my arms after trying to choke me, wrapped him in a blanket and ran out of the door down the street. I yelled after him if he didn't bring my baby back I was callin 911. He finally brought him back, threw him at me, and we left. Ever since, I've had a no contact order on him. I go to court once a year to keep it and he's never appeared. It's already been 3 years since I left him for good and almost 3 years since I've had the no contact order. I'm still deathly terrified of him, but I'd do anything I could to protect my son. He is the most important person in my life!! To this day, I still have nightmares and haunting memories I can't get past, but I"m working on it. Maybe someday he'll grow up and leave me alone. That's my story. I know that I will never ever let another put hands on me in any way. I'm looking forward to the day that I'm not so mean and so guarded, but I know that will only come in time when I finally feel safe.

I've left a couple times. I feel exhausted. The first, okay second, time was my boys father, we were together 8 yrs. He kept escalating until I was living in fear all the time. I suspect drug use steadily changed him, or at least made him extremely violent and sinister. I kept adjusting to the danger, living in fear, yet in a way I couldnt wake up, my brother made me leave. He did follow me, and nearly killed me about 3 months later. He went to jail, I was severely traumatized and confused, I didnt press charges, but it worked out because he (who wasnt afraid of anyone) became afraid of doing time in that state, and of the guys in jail who had it in for him for hurting a woman, and left me alone. I had ptsd severely for about a year, and carried a lot of humiliation and fear.
But I got through it and still believed in love and kindness. I met a protective man, we loved each other and got married a couple years later, but he soon died in a car accident. A tragedy.
A few years after that I met a really neat intelligent guy at my gym, slowly got to know him, we were happy and deeply in love, but it wasnt long and he turned out to be the worst of all, over about 3 years. I left him after getting strangled several times, hit, kicked, having my windshield busted in my face, my life threatened, and especially having my head bruised so bad about 3 different times that I was messed up and afraid of internal injuries, I lost my short term memory.
I was too exhausted at being thru all this before, and ashamed, that I never even tried to get any help, just waited for about 2 years until I could leave.
I havent felt at home anywhere since, and wish I wouldnt have had to leave the place I lived for years.
That ex told me that me leaving woke him up, and it was his addictions that made him crazy, he now has all these regrets, and has me on this weird pedestal. sometimes I think he seems about as obsessed with me as he used to be with drugs. (although he never said it was drugs at the time, but blamed me for his problems)
I really dont think I believe in love, or in things working out, anymore.
I am having a hard time feeling close to anyone, or even connected. I have a really close guy doing time, when he started telling me I was wrong about certain things, and expecting too much of me, I way cooled it, and havent bothered explaining why, even though I know I should. There is also a really handsome attractive considerate guy who is seems crazy about me, and I dont think I trust that situation either, even though I like him, I spend a little time, then I get anxiety, or something like it, or maybe its warning bells?
I feel like my issues are ingrained in me, and even though I am a very skilled and highly educated person, lately I feel I will never amount to anything because I always get depressed or scared.
I have been dealing with violence all my life, and I dont know what it would take to feel optomistic about it, 10,000 $ in therapy? more? I dont live up to my earning potential either, so I dont have much money. That's not my only excuse, I tried very hard at counseling and therapy when I was younger. My dissociation skills kick in pretty hard, if I ever get beyond the small talk. I almost got crazy from dissociation. Does anyone know what I am talking about?
I dont know how to undo what started when I was one, two, three, thirteen, etc. and seems to be intregal to my make up. (in some ways) I dont know what normal is.
Well, yes, I seem to recognize normal, but inside, I sometimes feel like a personal disaster happening all the time. To make matters worse, the blame and shame that was once my mothers voice is now built into me, so my critic is in my own head.
I dont know why I felt like telling all this. Please forgive.
Its just so complex with the violence issues. Without sounding horribly negative, I think perhaps Ive lost optomism... does anyone know what Im talking about?

I know exactly what your saying. So many people have told me that their tired of climbing the wall and it would be easier if I would just open the door and let them in. Years after the fact, I still don't trust people and there's a part of me that I need to keep to myself so that it can never be taken from me or used against me. But, these are behaviors I've had all my life. I was sexually abused at 4 and my mother didn't do anything about it. That's when I first learned about mistrust. When I moved from sexual abuse to physical abuse, the behaviors never changed, they just altered to fit the situation. Now that I'm going through no abuse, I try to protect myself so that if I get into a situation where abuse could occur, I'll be ready. I wish that one day I could lose the fear and mistrust so that I can just enjoy life and take everything at face value instead of trying to read into every situation and comment.

I wish I could do the same. I'm tired of living in fear everyday. It's very sad. Justin even notices it when I go up to see him. We'll be talking and he'll make a sudden movement and I'll duck, or he'll reach out to take my hand or whatever and I'll back away. It's not because I don't trust him, but b/c I fear that the abuse will come back b/c I lived it for a long time. I know in my heart that Justin would never ever hurt me, but yet, I still hold onto my fear that there will come a time that I'll piss him off in one or another and he'll whoop me just like my ex did. I think I hold onto that b/c in a way it's a sense of security and I don't want to be hurt again so if I keep my shield up, I can't get hurt. It's really hard for me to explain, but I'm sure you ladies understand what I'm trying to say. i just want to live my life and be happy. Not be scared anymore of anyone putting hands on me.

Trust is a hard thing to come by for anyone I think, but especially for those who have been victimized.

Carmen, I was so sorry to read about the loss of the one man who treated you well. Life can be so unfair sometimes.

I think the lesson here for all of us is to pick up and move on, grow stronger because of our experiences, get help when we need it (thank heavens for PTO!), get medication when we need it, and try not to be afraid.

I know that's a really, really tall order. Some of us are still living with the nightmare, and some of us still have the nightmare following us around, like in Tana's case. I am at the point now with my ex that we are civil to each other, we talk a little on the phone when he decides he wants to call the kids, etc. He's been really good about child support. I will never forget the things he did to me, and I won't make excuses for his behavior. There was no addiction problems with him, it was all anger management. He used to blame it on seeing his father killed when he was just a young boy. I'm completely sure that did some damage, but using that as a crutch to abuse people is completely unacceptable.

My ex is on his third wife now, and has abused her and the one before her. I have no doubt that he is mentally unstable. Only he can help himself, and he will be the one to ultimately be judged for his actions.

As for me, yes, I have major trust issues. I was also diagnosed with PTSD, on top of my depression and anxiety. I am constantly suspicious of people, I startle easily, and will probably never fully heal from my experiences. I see domestic violence portrayed in movies and I have to look away. It brings back too much.

But, I am thankful for what the experience did teach me, and that is to be strong, that I can handle much more than the average person. I learned that I don't have to stay with someone who is mean and/or abusive just because I fear being alone. I don't fear it anymore, and sometimes I welcome it. I've learned basically that I don't have to do anything I don't want to do, and no one on this planet can make me.

I've learned to appreciate more what I have, and work extra hard for what I don't have.

I think anyone in that situation can become a better, more successful person because of it. Everyone that has posted here is a tremendous, strong, wonderful person. It's not easy to talk about this kind of thing, but I really believe that it will help us all in the long run.

Kelly