View Full Version : Haven't heard from him for 3 weeks, so I got penpal


herewithoutyou2
11-26-2010, 02:24 PM
Well I havent heard from my man in like 3 weeks now. It sucks going from getting a lot of mail to none. So I went on writeaprisoner and found a nice sounding man a few states away and wrote him. I really could use a new friend since I have trouble making and keeping friends in real life. I feel kind of bad but hey it cant hurt to make a new friend =)

BLoved
11-26-2010, 02:42 PM
Well I don't know how long you have been together and the depth of it and all that; but have you tried to find out if anything is up? Sometimes they don't write for reasons beyond their control. Like lockdown and running out of stamps. Maybe he is sick, maybe he is going through a depressed phase....

herewithoutyou2
11-26-2010, 02:52 PM
Well we met once last yr a few months before he got locked up and once he got locked up we started writing for a few months but life got crazy and I stopped writing til Sept of this yr. I looked him up and started writing again. Was getting tons of letters. Then all of a sudden it stopped. He swears he has been writing (hes not out of envelopes) but I havent gotten but 1 in 3 weeks. I wrote a what the heck letter which he got rt away and he wrote a short letter saying idk why ur not getting my letters.

herewithoutyou2
11-26-2010, 02:54 PM
I got that letter no problem so if they are messing with his mail why would I get that letter but not any of the others? And if it was on my end why havent any of the letters surfaced? Idk it seems kinda fishy to me.

Hera_UK
11-26-2010, 05:32 PM
Well i'm in the Uk and the mail can go from being amazing,like 4 days to terrible,like 14 days. 3 weeks is a long time and i'd be tearing my hair out but would do all i cud to find out whats going on. Are you in touch with anyone else he writes,like family to see if they know anything?

herewithoutyou2
11-26-2010, 06:23 PM
No I havent met his family they actually live close to me but idk where or their names. He says his parents have stopped visiting him and writing him. I tried to call the prison but of course they wont tell me anything. I am tearing my hair out and Im sad that Im not getting letters. But I have thought about getting another penpal its not like Im giving up on him I just wanna make a new friend.

SexyChef1
11-26-2010, 06:58 PM
Mine hadn't written in 2 weeks and when he did it was a long (tight) letter. I can tell he's upset with me and I know why. Well the problem I see with the new penpal is your man. What will he think of it? I know mine would flip his wig and dismiss me. Even with a life sentence he has pride and his own code.

herewithoutyou2
11-26-2010, 07:53 PM
Well the new guy may not even write back and if he does and my man starts writing again then I will tell him. And if the new guy doesnt write back Im not gonna write a 3rd person. Im gonna say the heck with it.

tee.dot.q
11-26-2010, 08:40 PM
Well, just keep in mind that these guys are not toys or distractions... they have feelings too and I'd hate for you to write someone then once your boyfriend gets back to you, drop them.

In any case, all the best and good luck with everything.

herewithoutyou2
11-26-2010, 09:00 PM
I wouldnt just drop him if the new guy does write me back. He seems like a great person so Im not looking for a distraction. Im looking for a friend.

Danya
11-26-2010, 09:00 PM
I got that letter no problem so if they are messing with his mail why would I get that letter but not any of the others? And if it was on my end why havent any of the letters surfaced? Idk it seems kinda fishy to me.


I'm sorry to say it, but it really sounds like he is lying to you about "all the letters" he sent.

Yes mail can get messed/backed up, but isn't it funny that you write a "wtf letter", and all of a sudden you get a short reply back quickly.:rolleyes:
If that is the case, dump his ass 'cause he must not value you at all if he's flat out lying about writing, and on top of that assuming you're too stupid to realize it. :mad:

I hope I am wrong, and that there really is some reason you are not receiving his mail.

Lucky1488
11-26-2010, 09:36 PM
All i'm gonna say is what if he got an ad on write a prisoner? How would you feel? 3 weeks is a short time to completley give up on someone. :rolleyes:

HisOutmate
11-26-2010, 09:47 PM
Doesn't sound to me like your feelings for each other are very strong... Nothing against penpal sites and all that... but who would choose this life? I love my man but this is definitely not a life I would go looking for.

LadyBlackz
11-26-2010, 10:37 PM
I dunno if it's just me but...why would you call him "your man" and only wait for 3 weeks before you start writing another guy??? :hmm: If your just lookin for a "friend" theres plenty of women that are doing time that would like someone to talk to. Why did you HAVE to write to another man?? Doesn't sound like your too serious about "your man". There are ALWAYS ways to find out whats going on in his facility. He could be on LD, sick...anything like one of the other ladies said. But hey...to each his own...good luck.

~Shadowfax~
11-26-2010, 10:57 PM
I dunno if it's just me but...why would you call him "your man" and only wait for 3 weeks before you start writing another guy??? :hmm:

Well, just keep in mind that these guys are not toys or distractions... they have feelings too and I'd hate for you to write someone then once your boyfriend gets back to you, drop them.


Two points I was exactly thinking about as well. Solid relationships are not dismantled in three weeks or less time, but maybe it wasn't solid to begin with :shrug: Are you writing out of retaliation? Boredom? And what about a female pp if you want a friend? Lots of questions to ask yourself. Be careful and take a honest look at what you are really doing. Good luck.

OnlyTheLonely
11-26-2010, 11:06 PM
I could just imagine if this were me and what Id be forced to tell my Man.

"Hey baby I didnt hear from you and I was lonely so I found this prison penpal ad that I really dug and now Im waiting for him to holla back. Ive always wanted a new friend, it just happened I didnt go looking for one until after I didnt hear from you. *click* hello baby, are you still there, hello, hello, helllllllooooooo, mumbling I dunno why you trippin, hellllloooo baby.."

Most likely He would hang up after I sputtered out the fact that I went looking on a penpal site and wrote to a dude.

That would be the absolute end of me and mine. If I needed or wanted a friend that bad I think Id try finding a woman first. The main reason is to keep the peace and I usually always have more guy friends then I do women. Not only would my Man flip but I can imagine what the new dude is thinking. He probably thinks you're out looking to creep.

Its like an odd way to rebound or something.

I wouldnt do anything like that but thats just me. To each his own.

Good luck to ya'll.

Danielle88
11-26-2010, 11:30 PM
Dont take this the wrong way but theres a couple things Ibm not getting here.
3 weeks isnt very long to give up on "your man", just cause he doesnt write doesnt mean he doesnt care.
I sounds like youre trying to use the new pen pal to get back at your man.
Also, keep in mind that prison is "real life", its not make believe. Its hard in there and it really isnt right to write to someone out of spite.
Honestly it sound like you miss getting the letters and could care less where theyre comin from.
If it was my hubby I would want to find out why he wasnt writting. Maybe he aint got shyt to say, it does happen you know. Thier day-to-day life is pretty much the same. It doesnt sound like you really cared about this guy to begin with.

LovingMyMan17
11-27-2010, 12:56 AM
I agree with the other posters.. if he was your man you only allotted him three weeks? He could be in medical,the hole,out of money a.d stamps,upset about something etc.. I would be making phone calls..unit manager..case manager..warden..whomever until I got an answer. I worry if I don't hear from my baby but he is in prison for Pete's sake. . He is not on a luxurious cruise with full endless amenities. It sounds like a move to make him jealous if he does contact you again. This would anger my love yes but it would hurt him and make him insecure which are two things I avoid at all costs. That's what you do when you love someone. Hope it all works out for you.

herewithoutyou2
11-27-2010, 08:52 AM
Well first of all I know hes not out of envelopes. When he called 3 weeks ago he told me he had 10 left and Im the only one hes writing. Plus when we first started talking he was in the hole and I got his letters just fine. And I received that short letter so I know theyre not on locikdown. I tried to call n they wouldnt tell me shyt. Im not giving up on my man. I still write him. But to be honest I barely knew him b4 he went in so its mostly a letter relationship.

herewithoutyou2
11-27-2010, 08:56 AM
So we have grown through our writing but Im still hesitant since I didnt know him that well before he went in (we met 1 time). Im not trying to make excuses for writing a new person. But I have had prison PPs before. And I dont really get along with women thats why I wrote a man. But seriously he says hes writing and I get nothing then when I write a letter saying Im not writing or sending more $ til I hear from u again and then all of a sudden I get a letter saying "Ive been writing" seems weird to me.

chelseak89
11-27-2010, 10:43 AM
If you only got a letter after you threatened not to send anymore $$$ I would look at that as a red flag

LovingMyMan17
11-27-2010, 05:32 PM
Big red flag. I must have missed that part of the message

robsgirl2011
11-27-2010, 06:02 PM
I'm certainly not put on this earth to judge you, none of us is, but what I don't get is why would you start writing someone else? Who chooses this life? Honestly.

lil peep
11-27-2010, 06:32 PM
We all choose this life in a manner of speaking since we have the ability to walk away from our loved one, but chose to stand by them. However, that's not really my point in all this. He sent you a letter after you threatened to cut off money. That to me means he more than likely wasn't sending mail before. I don't believe that much mail gets lost in the system especially if you were regularly getting mail before. Unless he spent all that time talking about illegal activities or trying to send contraband through his letters, pretty sure they have no reason to hang onto his mail.

If you want to leave him over this, it's entirely your choice. I wouldn't say it's a horrible idea since he doesn't seem to be too invested in your relationship. I will say however that starting to write a new inmate while you are still involved with this other guy (no matter how technical I'm being since he hasn't written) is a bad idea. I've read so many stories about "how did you meet your guy" and all these women who met their guy as a pen-pal said they were just looking for friendship, wanted to write someone to cheer them up, etc. If you want friends or people to talk to, try taking a yoga class or something! Don't start writing another male inmate. Just my 2 cents...

Danya
11-27-2010, 09:30 PM
It seems as though most people are misunderstanding the OP!

She said that she knows he's NOT in the hole, he DOES have envelopes, he's NOT on lockdown and he's NOT in medical!

Not only that, but he is claiming he is writing her, and doesn't know why she's not receiving them. Yet, as soon as he received her "wtf" letter, she magically got a quick response (and a short one at that).

To me it is obvious he is lying about all the "missing" letters he sent, and the OP realizes that too.

I don't know why everyone is jumping down her throat for abandoning her "man" when HE is the one doing her wrong....

Iamjustagirl
11-27-2010, 10:28 PM
It kind of sounds like you are getting another man to fill a need that your man isn't filling :(

msmarrie
11-27-2010, 11:23 PM
I am so sorry to be blunt but don't you think you should be working on making friends in the "free" world? It's not unlike people who only have "online" friends because something is keeping them from making and enjoying real world interactions. If you have problems in this area as you said, then maybe that is something for you to look into and work on.
And the fact that someone you met once and only a few months ago is now your "man" also suggests to me that maybe there are some "things" within yourself that need to be addressed.
One of the sad truths is being in this state of "needing" also makes one easy prey to scammers and cons. Just a thought, take it for what it's worth.

herewithoutyou2
11-27-2010, 11:37 PM
Well as far as me making friends in the "real" world, its impossible for me. I'm horrible at making friends. Im extremely shy and trust hardly anyone. As far as him being "my man" its because says he wants to marry me when he gets out (6 months to 2 yrs). Yes I know we only met once but things were just fine til 3 weeks ago. I had only sent $ once but had planned to send more til he stopped writing. @ Danya thank you for saying what you said. I do think he's playing me, it sux :(

only1love
11-27-2010, 11:42 PM
So we have grown through our writing but Im still hesitant since I didnt know him that well before he went in (we met 1 time). Im not trying to make excuses for writing a new person. But I have had prison PPs before. And I dont really get along with women thats why I wrote a man. But seriously he says hes writing and I get nothing then when I write a letter saying Im not writing or sending more $ til I hear from u again and then all of a sudden I get a letter saying "Ive been writing" seems weird to me.


Yes it's weird. Yes it is a red flag, and a huge one, but there are so many possibilities as I read this. First of all, the "mail" process in prison is not like at home where you put it in the box and the mail man picks it up. It is not like that.

They write the letter, give it to the guard who puts it in a stack to go to the mailroom. Once it gets to the mailroom, it is then read, copied and stamped or rejected. Most of the time, they will send back rejected mail but this can take months. If the guard is busy, lazy or otherwise doesn't give a hoot, the mail can pile up and go NOWHERE until his/her day off and maybe not even then.

I have received letters that were 3 months old! Why? Because it's prison and the mail is effed up.

You seem kind of desperate for a friend. Prisoners have feelings and it is not cool to seek them out and play with their feelings. That is not even friendship.

Don't send him money. Don't call him "my man" if you only met him once and you are that cavalier about the relationship, but on the other hand, if you are going to persue inmates, you need to know that the mail is NOT like what you expect. Sorry it just isn't.

Also if he is in the hole, he might have boxes of envelopes but if in the hole, they are typically only allowed one outgoing letter per week. Incoming is different. Outgoing is another thing. And just because he has envelopes does NOT mean he has stamps! Stamps are like gold for inmates and he just might not have any.

So many variables. Hasty decision but my gut instinct is to let the man go. You clearly aren't interested in him only the letters.

LovingMyMan17
11-28-2010, 12:05 AM
Agreed with above poster. No one is jumping down her throat. This is a public forum and everyone is entitled to their opinion and freedom of speech. He may or may not be playing her but the message sounded very nonchalant to me like oooooh well he's gone on to the next one.

herewithoutyou2
11-28-2010, 12:36 AM
In Iowa they have stamped envelopes. Well I seem to have upset everyone so I guess I will bow out of this thread.....

Mrs.Shakur2012
11-28-2010, 12:58 AM
I got that letter no problem so if they are messing with his mail why would I get that letter but not any of the others? And if it was on my end why havent any of the letters surfaced? Idk it seems kinda fishy to me.
Trust me, this happens all of the time, especially during the holidays. My husband's in the SHU at PBSP in Cali and there's a tone of restrictions. Sometimes it can take up to 2 weeks for him to get mail from me and we live in the same state, so it's very possible for mail not to get out in a timely manner. Hang in there.

Danya
11-28-2010, 01:57 AM
I agree that it's not cool to use an inmate as a toy or an ego boost, and then then toss them as soon as there is the slightest issue and move onto another.

I fully respect everyone's right to their opinion, but it seems some are being extremely harsh.
It's ironic that on a prison support group someone is being told to "make friends/find a man in the real world"/"why would you write an inmate" etc.

I seem to recall many a thread venting about those exact words being said by unsupportive friends/family, and I just find it pretty snarky to see PTO'ers saying it to another member.

B's~Queen
11-28-2010, 02:05 AM
In Iowa they have stamped envelopes. Well I seem to have upset everyone so I guess I will bow out of this thread.....

Girl dont you dare bow out.. You asked for opinions and that's all that they are.. You do what you want to do not one can speak for you and dont let them make you feel guilty for what you choose to do.. A penpal is a pal and if I can recall never did you say you were going to spark up a relationship with this person.. Most guys on those sites are looking for casual conversations anyways.. Keep your head up girl and take care..

LovingMyMan17
11-28-2010, 02:25 AM
Dayna I agree with the part about the comment being made to find a friend on the outside world..this is a prison support forum. Now that being said.. I am not upset with the OP. I don't usually upset myself over others problems. Some take relationships more serious than others. To each their own.. I hope you find happiness purple

Inmatez Wife
11-28-2010, 07:17 AM
Purple, you do you girl. No one is judging you, just stating opinions. Not all relationships are the same. You have to chose what is best for you. Just be careful. And girl, smile!!!!!!!!! Don't get upset by what people are saying. Everyone here is just commenting on what you said. Its a risk we all take, we can post a thread, and get good or bad comments. Thats all.

Hisoneandonly
11-28-2010, 10:34 AM
It seems weird to me that he seems to have stopped writing after money was brought up. None of us hear know your relationship like you do.
Yes 3 weeks isn't very long, depending on whats going on where he is it. My mail is usually like clock 3 week, sometimes there is a hiccup somewhere in the line and it can take up a two weeks to get a letter sometimes a month.

As for the people judging her about writing another inmate...Really how many times are we told to find a real man on the outside? I didn't see anything that shew was wanting to get all romantic with the new pen pal, I'm sure some people do just write on a friendship level.Right?

herewithoutyou2
11-28-2010, 10:55 AM
I am sooo confused right now. I really do have feelings for this man but if this was a relationship in the real world and hadnt heard from him in 3 weeks I would have already given up. Maybe my feelings arent as strong as I thought they were, idk. But like I said before 2 months of mail with no problems, even with him in the hole and once he ran out of envelopes and borrowed from a neighbor, to now nothing. Maybe there is a hold up, maybe there isnt. I just dont know what to do anymore.

Hisoneandonly
11-28-2010, 11:35 AM
I am sooo confused right now. I really do have feelings for this man but if this was a relationship in the real world and hadnt heard from him in 3 weeks I would have already given up. Maybe my feelings arent as strong as I thought they were, idk. But like I said before 2 months of mail with no problems, even with him in the hole and once he ran out of envelopes and borrowed from a neighbor, to now nothing. Maybe there is a hold up, maybe there isnt. I just dont know what to do anymore.

Prison relationships are tough b/c unlike the outside world you can't pick up the phone and call them or drop by their house to see what is up...Oh heck yeah if he was outside and hadn't contacted me in 3 or more weeks, I would definitely think was up..but he isn't and sometimes things happen beyond anyone's control.
I would wait, but I"m married and have been off and on with my husband for years, I'm not you and none of us are in your relationship. Hang in there the right answer will come around.

lil peep
11-28-2010, 11:36 AM
Purple, you're right...most people in a relationship out here wouldn't wait three weeks to hear from someone. The problem is that those relationship dynamics are different. They have no one overseeing their mail, they have no one controlling their housing, their phone calls, when they can eat and they certainly don't have to lockdown for the night. It's just very different! Three weeks is a long time but you can't compare the two because the circumstances are on opposite ends of the spectrum.

NewAttitude
11-28-2010, 11:44 AM
You gotta do what your heart tells you to do. Although someone's situation may be similar to yours, nobody is walking in your shoes. At the end of the day, you should be satisfied with the decisions you make. If you feel this guy is playing you, kick his ass to the curb. If you feel he is worth it, then stand strong in your spot.