This has been a really rough night for me and need to vent! My husband called me tonight all upset (crying and depressed) that they moved him into another building. Something about the actually moved his entire cell block plus added a few more into this "trial center". I didn't see the big deal in it yet he continued to cry and be upset. I can't stand hearing him cry!!!! I can't stand to hear my once strong husband sound like a weak little boy. I'm trying to be strong and stand by him but I'm just getting so tired! I'm the one trying to keep things going here.. I'm the one trying to live this lie about where he is.. I'm the one having to work so damn hard at keeping our world from completely falling apart yet he calls me and just makes me feel all these emotions that I've tried so hard to contain!

I love him so much... I consider myself a very strong person but tonight I find myself crying uncontrollably since I hung up the phone with him! I want him home, I want this all to be over, I want to just have my life back!!!!!

He has his pre-sentencing interview on the 16th of this month and I think he's really worried about the outcome. I've forwarded him everything that I've found on this website as well as some others re: the interview yet he seems so depressed now.. more than ever.

How can I help him when I'm feeling so overwhelmed myself?

Sorry for rambling.. just needed to vent to someone! ---B

The only thing you can do is tell him how much you love him. We will never understand what they're going through, cause we've never been locked up.
From conversations with David, if he was crying around other prisoners, something more that moving is getting to him. You're probably right about the hearing bothering him. Once it's over he should start to calm down.
Don't be afraid to cry and don't feel guilty about not always being able to be "strong" enough to deal with his emotions and yours at the same time.
We all want it to be over, but we all have to keep hanging on. Don't lose your faith. It's what will get you through when you just don't think you can take another min. of the heartache.
I'm praying for you both. God Bless!

I completely understand what GaPeach is saying. I know we need to be understanding and patient and just love them. However, there are times I get frustrated because my husband doesn't want to hear how frustrated I am or what I am feeling or going through. I keep my mouth shut and not say anything, then at times I start to resent him a little because this is supposed to be a 2-way street here. I listen and support him, and he needs to listen and support me. However, it's all about supporting them and when it gets overwhelming for us we are supposed to keep our mouths shut and not upset them anymore.

Well, what about upsetting me? Yes, I am also frustrated too. Guess you all have started to guess that by now. Just in the past few days I got a letter from my brother-in-law wanting help in Texas, I got a phone call from my other brother-in law in Fed Prison in Arizona wanting help..INS again. Then Juan calls today and wants help, then he got upset at me because he doesn't believe me that I havn't cut my hair. He wants me to grow it long and he went on and on about not believing me after asking me for help on a problem. There are so many things going on here at home, plus all the judgements about me even being with a man in prison. But, I have to keep my mouth shut because we don't want to upset him.

Just my thoughts and feelings.

I don't think that we should always keep our mouths shut to avoid upsetting our men... I think that in a relationship in this situation, just as in a relationship in another situation there are times when you may hold onto your own frustrations because the time just isn't right (ie: perhaps when your man comes home and just had a terrible day at work...) But there are also going to be times, even if they are struggling with something, when it will be appropriate to let them know "HEY... you aren't the only one dealing with some shit!! You aren't the only one who's frustrated and tired.... " I know that JD can be the most self-centered man in the world, and sometimes I just have to plain ol' get in his face.... and sometimes that is the BEST thing for him... and for us.... You just have to use good judgement about which thing to do when... when to just shut up and listen and when to let it rip.... But even though they are incarcerated, we can't completely protect them from the way a relationship needs to work, or we will be in a bad situation when they get out... It can't always be all about them... They need to keep understanding life both inside AND outside...

Jd you got it on that one... I want to point out another fact that you may not want to realize is a reality.. He may have someone trying to mess with him and he is breaking down because of it.. Let me say that he will not tell you.. I want you to know that it is hard and I can not tell you how to make it easier.. But when you feel irrated about his reactions try to sit back and live a day in his shoes in there... It is not easy.. He is new and people are going to mess with him.. That is scary even to a grown man..

I say this just be supportive and try to encourage him to talk to you.. I would however point out that crying in front of other inmates is not always a great idea... I have heard way to many stories about men who break down in front of the inmate.. They interepet it as a weakness.. I do not mean to scare you but I try to keep it real and that is what I am doing.. You never know what is going on behind those walls. For that matter you may never know but just try to keep going and know that we are here for you and most of us at one point or other have felt what you are feeling right now..

Hello! I'm rainbowpenny, I just joined PTO a few days ago, so I'm new at this. But, I'm definetly not new at being married to a man in prison. The first thing you need in a commitment like that is to have the Lord be a part of it and to face all realities of the future! the strenghth in our marriage comes from us living by 1 corinthians, chapter 13, it describes unconditional Love. We have faced some really trying and difficult situations, just like Dec. 1994, when I went over to visit Larry and I had to tell him his father had passed away, and then he had to tell me that he had gotten a parole turndown. It was a painful day but, just drew us that much closer. Any relationship takes comprimising, understanding of the other person's feelings and needs and True Unconditional Love and it also takes two people that both believe that! I have known my husband since 1974, we have a 26 yr. old daughter and three beautiful grandsons, we lost contact for years but were reunited by the grace of god in 1991 and were married Feb. 1994. We've stood strong together since 1991. Hopefully, he'll make it home the end of this year or the begining of next year. He's been down since he was 25 yrs. old and he's now 46 yrs. old . Thanks for listening

Peach, you are not alone as you can see..frustration is just another gift we get on this journey...Stephen was transferred a few weeks ago and when he got to the new place he called me crying as well that he hated it there and he wanted to go back to the other county jail because he was "Comfortable" with the guys there and now he was the new guy...I felt bad for him at first but I told him he is going to have to suck it up and do his best..Bloom where you are planted..he had a couple of very depressed days but now is doing just as well there, and have found things to be better there..so GOd knows what he is doing...Soraya has a great page on her site The emotional stages of an inmate...(i think that is what it is called) It says that with every change an inmate has to start the readjusting phase all over again...I sent this to Stepehn and he said it was very helpful to be able to recognize what he was feeling and see that it was part of the process..check it out it might help.......Just give him alot of encouragement and love..God is in control...

As for holding your tongue when you need to tell him how you feel....I have been trying not to hold anything back from Steph but I also know when it is a good time to tell him how I feel...we feed off eachother he picks me up and I try and pick him up....I agree with JDs that if you dont practice the two-way street you will have big problems when he comes home.And bottom line this ISNT totally about him.You are dealing with alot of shit on the outside...and he needs to understand that..that is one thing I have to say about Stephen he knows I am dealing with alot and respects and appreciates everything I can do to help but he also has realized I cannot fix EVERYTHING....when we write to eachother it is very helpful because he can tell me all his feelings without looking soft infront of the other guys and -I can share mine with him..-Communication is soo important...(funny how Ican give advice to others but when it comes to my own issues I am clueless-go figure!)

Anyway hang in there and know we are here for you! Love YA!

Ps Rainbowpenny-I have a plaque on my wall with 1 Corinthians 13 right above my computer....you are so right! I am going to post it in the humor forum maybe it will help

PEACH-FIRST OFF, I WANT TO SAY THAT CRYING IS NOT A SIGN OF WEAKNESS-IT IS A SIGN OF HUMANESS AND THANK GOD FOR THOSE OF US WHO CAN SHOW EMOTION-THE ONES I REALLY WORRY ABOUT ARE THOSE WHO HAVE PUSHED IT BACK SO FAR INSIDE THEMSELVES THAT THEY HAVE BECOME HARDENED --I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT BEING STRONG- I THINK WE ALL DO--AND SO MANY TIMES PEOPLE EQUATE TEARS WITH BEING BROKEN DOWN-BUT I KNOW SOME OF THE MOST RESILIENT PEOPLE ON EARTH ARE RIGHT HERE ON THIS SITE-

I THINK SOMETIMES OUR LOVED ONES IN PRISON THINK WE TRY TO "COMPARE" THE PAIN OF OUR EXPERIENCE OUT HERE WITH THEIR PAIN ON THE INSIDE. --LIKE IT MINIMIZES THEIR EXPERIENCE OR SOMETHING--SOMETIMES I JUST BITE MY TONGUE AND LISTEN WHEN HE IS AIRING HIS FRUSTRATIONS B/C I KNOW I AM THE ONLY ONE HE FEELS COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO DO THAT WITH--BUT I ALSO AT TIMES REMIND HIM WHEN HE IS TALKING ABOUT HOW HE CAN DO LITTLE TO NOTHING FOR ME WHERE HE IS --THAT THE MAIN THING HE CAN DO IS BE THERE FOR ME--TO LISTEN, TO SUPPORT AND TO UNDERSTAND.

I AGREE WITH JD'S WF--THERE'S A TIME AND A PLACE FOR EVREYTHING--NONE OF THIS IS EASY ON ANY OF US

SHERRI

ggod post sherri that is so true. You said that he can just be there for you and listen that is so true..

I hope that I did not make the wrong impression when I said that they (inmates) think of crying as a sign of weakness. this is a fact but I do not think that, I agree with sherri that crying is a very needed thing and very healthy.. When in prison it is different then in the free world.. People in there are always looking for an edge to work with so that is why I said what I said..

Shortie,
What you said is true though. My husband and I have talked alot about what other prisoners see as weakness, and they will take advantage of it. It's a good thing to cry, but not to let someone that will use it see you.

I was worried that I upset someone or maybe it just came out wrong. So if that is the case let me be the first to aplogize.. I did not mean to offend anyone...

I am just so happy to find a place to vent my feelings and to know that other wifves of prisoners feel the exact same way that I do. It is a very difficult situation to have the person you love most incarcerated. I enjoy telling people that I am married and when people say well where is he, I have to say that he is relocating to where I am soon. It is not that I am ashamed of my husband, I just don't want a lot of people in my business. Besides being married to a man in jail, I am finishing my Master's degree in Journalism, trying to begin a new career, trying to get him interstate parole, and my family has all but kicked me out. I do not feel like I can tell anyone about my life and have them completely understand, not even my husband sometimes because he doesn't understand the college part. But he does his very best, because he is an awesome human being. The phone calls, the packages, the long trips and staying in the funky hotels and the thousand dollar phone bills from those bastards at MCI, all of that is very taxing on me. Then there are times when we argue, and our lonliness and longing for one another, and the thought of whether or not he will be the person he says he will be upon release. I mean do all of you understand? There are time when I come home and I need to see his face or for him to hug me, and that is not possible. Let me know if you understand what I am saying. We as wives of prisoners need a comraderie.

Tiffany, your post made me cry. That's exactly the spot that I'm in. My family has all but disowned me. I work in government (crime control..go figure) and am appointed (not civil service), so I can't tell anyone I work with or my job and all of my hard work and dedication would be history. I could never tell him how afraid I am. I spend every day hoping that they don't dig so deep into my background that they see I'm involved with a person doing time for manslaughter. I spend a lot of time at the state headquarters for corrections and criminal justice services.

We have discussed getting married and I'm scared to death. I've loved Steven my whole life...we dated when we were teenagers and split up for a few years, but he's been a constant for 7 years now..and I love him more than I ever thought was humanly possible. He's my best friend and understands me more than anyone ever has, but nobody will ever see him as I do.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the same now as when he went in, and we've got 12 years to go. I would wait 50 years for him, but push comes to shove and I don't know how I'll ever be able to tell people that I've worked with my whole professional career (police, c.o.'s, others in law enforcement) that I have been dating (and by then maybe married to??) an inmate.

Just remember girl, just because he made a mistake doesn't mean you have to change your life. Be proud that you are successful because of your own determination and that you've been able to think with your head and not your heart, because that's a hard thing to do. You're not embarassed by him, you're making a good life for yourself, and that's nothing to be ashamed of.