Hi my name is Deanna and I live in CA. I don't know if anyone can help me but I need some help badly. My fiance got out of prison almost two months ago. I met him after he had already gone in and we had been together for 3 years. He served a 10 year sentence. I'm happy to report that he did not use me or play with my emotions! You hear so many stories of inmates conning women. Anyway, he loves me and I love him and we're going to be fine but there are some problems that have come up and I know they have to do with his being in for so long. I guess I'm looking for support from people who are going through the same thing I am. What to expect, how to handle situations, etc. etc. etc.

Any help given wouuld be highly appreciated!

Welcome to the group Deanna..I dont really have any experience with your situation, my husband is still inside..but I am sure that there are going to many adjustments are you need to play a big role in supporting him..I feel communication and underanding are key...there is a site that I think might be helpful..I am going to post it when I find it(slipped my mind where i found it) So welcome again!

Deanna....
I haven't faced the "readjustment" stage in my relationship with an incarcerated man, but as a counselor have worked with inmates preparing for release and post-release....
Welcome to PTO... glad you found us and hope we can be of some assistance....
What kinds of problems are you facing?? Are you willing to tell us more about them so we can give some more specific feedback/advice??
:) Hope to hear from you soon.... Believe that you will make it through whatever you are facing...

Deanna:

Most of us would love to be in your situation. I have a dear friend who was released from prison 1 year ago after the Justice System releasing him because they found he was not guilty. He spent 10 years in prison for a Crime he did not commit. Mike has had to have very extensive counseling. He came out of the system bitter because he lost 10 years of his life. He also would have nightmares and wake up screaming. He married a wonderful girl and she has helped him through a lot of his problems. He is 40 years old now and has a ready made family. He has tried to get a pardon from the Governor of our Great State, but that has fallen on deaf ears. He also was to receive some money from the State, but never has. He and my Son, Butch are best of friends. He goes to visit Butch at least once each 6 weeks. They were in prison together quite awhile.

It will be hard for you both for awhile. Insure he gets help from a very competant counselor. Stand by him even when he gets angry and seems to take everything out on you. Mike has told me it has been hard for him to adjust to even the telephone ringing. He jumps out of his skin.

God Bless you and your loved one. Try to stay strong.

Donna

thank you to all of you who have replied to my post so far. Please forgive me, I've forgotten your names. One of you asked me if I felt comfortable sharing more. It's the anger and the mood swings. I don't seem to do anything right in his eyes anymore. He got very, very angry the other day over something so petty it wasn't worth even mentioning let alone getting angry about. He also got furious because I was complaining about not feeling well and told me he didn't want to hear it. So, I stopped telling him and ended up in the emergency room a week later. He feels bad now but I'm hurt that it went that far. I am able to calm him, simply because I refuse to fight. I just look back at him and (he doesn't know this) but I space myself out. I stare in his eyes and go somewhere else in my mind. If I didn't do that I know he would become violent and honestly I think he would really hurt me. As long as I don't react, I'm okay. I feel so alone
This is not the way it was supposed to be and I never, ever expected any of this from him. He's always, always been so sweet and kind. I guess maybe I need to vent, I don't know... Deanna

Deanna:

Don't continue to let the violent actions happen. Try to communicate with him about how you are feeling. If he does not communicate, and get some help, he will be right back in prison again.

It is very hard to deal with this type situation. There must be some good times or you would not still be with him. Do not put yourself in physical danger. There are other things that can be done.

If he is not willing to help himself, you certainly cannot help him.

My Prayers and Love to you.....

Donna

Sasha, girl my heart goes out to you. I was married to a violent alcoholic for 13 years and then again got involved with another abuser. I just want to share with you what I have learned. If there is signs of any type of anger or violence, it will eventually come. I use to think that love will change him, all he needs is someone to believe in him, etc, etc, etc. I have found out that love has nothing to do with this type of situation. Yes, you love him with all your and heart and yes, he loves you too. But there are other controling factors that have nothing to with love.

This is only my opinion, I am not telling what to do, only what I would do in this situation. Only you can make that decision. First, you need to think of yourself. Get counseling!!! A counselor can help you decide and do the right thing. Now, to find the best counselor for your situation I would suggest calling the local shelter for battered women, they have a list of counselors that can help. Just take one step at a time and you will be able to deal with this and make the right decision. Step one, get counseling from someone who deals with this type of stuff.

My prayers go out to you. Take care and keep us posted.

Joy

I think the other people gave some good advice. To be more accurate I wonder has he ever hurt you, I mean physically. We already know he is hurting you emotionally and mentally so that is established. The physical part usually follows in suit.. So I say becareful and it is never good not to deal with something.

You see bottled up stuff has to surface at one point and it usually happens at the wrong time.. In Anger.. SO i encourage you to get it out her and also do not discount how you are feeling.. They are your feelings and they are not wrong or right they just are.

Honey Let me say that you are welcomed here and we are here to help support you as best we can.. So log in as often as you need to so that you can vent and do not be afraid to open up.. We all help each other and that is what we want to do for you...

Hi Deanna..I don't have any first hand experience but I just wanted to tell you that this is a wonderful place for you to get out your feelings and get some good advice...I agree that counseling is a good thing to consider even if he hasn't hurt you physically...but also try and talk with him when there is no anger..I think I saw sherri or jdswifey post something somewhere that went like this: when things are calm tell him "I love you very much but it hurts me when you....."..I had seen that in another post and thought it was a very good way to handle things..remember we are here for you no matter what...welcome to the PTO family!

I am so glad I found you people. I think you are going to be my lifeline. We had another argument tonight. So stupid and so silly... I have a home based business and it's been supporting me for 5 years. Today he and I signed up with temporary agencies for extra money. He went to work today and this afternoon I got a call to start tomorrow. I am so far behind in MY business because I have just moved to this area so I worked ALL day trying to get caught up. I got a lot done and when he came in I was showing him what I had done and I made the remark that I almost wish the job wasn't starting until Monday because I could really get caught up. He went off on me! I was just making a remark and I didn't mean I wasn't going tomorrow. He yelled at me for 10 minutes at least. I coldn't believe that set him off. No, he hasn't hurt me physically. I am getting concerned though, I really am........
Deanna

Deanna....
Have you ever just asked him what is really going on that he is so angry (like after he blows up like that... after he has calmed down....) ?? I am just curious about how you have tried to talk with him about what you see going on and how he reacts...
Hang in there girl... and know that you DO need to set limits to keep yourself safe (both from physical harm as well as emotional distress...) Perhaps you can try offering him some alternatives to sitting there raging at you??
It's pretty obvious that he is having a hard time adjusting (although who knows... maybe he has been having little tantrums like this toward others while he was inside...) I guess I am just wondering if (when calm) he is talking about what he is thinking/feeling... or if he ever did that...
(sorry, I know I going into counselor-mode... can't help it!!)
:) I am just trying to understand 'cause I want to be able to help...

Hi JD's wifey! I don't know your name! Don't worry about going into counseling mode, that's exactly what I need! I need help figuring this out. Yes, I have asked him when he's calmed down, last night was a good example. He just said he's serious and he expects things done and he doesn't play games. Last night I asked him (when he was in a good mood) what he wants me to do next time he starts ranting and he said, "you'll figure it out." Big help huh? The good thing about his rantings and ravings is he calms down fast if I don't respond. I mean, very fast, within a couple of minutes. I think he's frustrated about not having money though he has absolutely NO pressure on him. He's living with his parents right now and they take care of everything plus give him plenty of money. He has a car, a beautiful wardrobe, gas paid for, everything! But, it's one of the things I love about him, he doesn't "take" from people, he wants to make it himself! I am also very worried that he will get sick of this and go back to illegal stuff. When he was inside I never saw any of this anger or impatience. I won't give up on him, there are so many good qualities about him.

Hey Shasha...
You know, you say that he has "No pressure" on him, but I am guessing if he finds it hard to take help from others when he feels like "a real man" should do it on his own, then he is probably feeling under IMMENSE pressure (even if it is all self-imposed....) I would say at this point, be very upfront with him during your chats when he is calm... if what he tells you isn't helpful (ie: "you'll figure it out") point out that as much as you are trying to figure it out, you can't and you really want and need his help... Just let him know that you want to help him, but you aren't sure what he needs... and let him know that it's ok if he doesn't KNOW what he needs, that you can figure it out together. Just let him know that you understand that it isn't fun for HIM to be frustrated or angry the way he is and you just want to do whatever you can to help. Also, give him a lot of praise and reassurance... He needs to be reminded that it WILL take time to get life to where he wants it to be and that it's ok for it to not happen overnight... not only is no one expecting that, but it's not possible. Try to reassure him that with some patience he will get life to where he wants it to be.... Also try to remind him gently that while the "material" stuff is nice to have, you both already have the things that are REALLY important... being able to be together!! Hang in there hon... :)

SHASHA- I SUGGEST THAT YOU BOTH GO TO COUNSELING-YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO LIVE IN FEAR OR WALK ON EGGSHELLS-IF HE IS COMMITTED TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND WANTS TO CHANGE, HE WILL GO--IF HE DOES NOT GO, GO WITHOUT HIM-- I UNDERSTAND YOU LOVE HIM, BUT RESPECT AND COMMUNICATION ARE SO IMPORTANT IN A RELATIONSHIP --AND A NECESSITY IN A HEALTHY ONE--MY GUESS IS THAT HE HAS A LOT OF FEELINGS HE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE--LIKE GUILT ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO PROVIDE AND FEELING LIKE AS THE MAN HE SHOULD, ETC... THERE ARE PROBABLY A LOT OF LAYERS TO THE ISSUES AT HAND, AND I REALLY THINK A MEDIATOR WOULD BE HELPFUL--GOOD LUCK--WE ARE HERE FOR YOU

SHERRI

I am so happy I found this group. I know that this is something I have to go through alone, but it is so comforting to know that you people are here with your advice. I appreciate it so much!!!! You are all giving such good advice! We had a good weekend. I'm learning how to approach him better so as not to upset him and I began using behavior modification on him! Had taken it in college and haven't used it in a long time but it works with him. Please don't get me wrong, I don't want to change him, I just want him to realize some of his behavior is inappropriate and since he doesn't listen when I voice it, it's working when I use the behavior modification. Example. I know he's stunted socially and some of the things he does are not appropriate for a 40 year old man, but were his way of being when he went in at the age of 28 or 29! I started totally avoiding looking at him when he does something that is not appropriate and smiling when he acts his age. Thanks again for all your help..... I'm sure he and I are in for more rough times and I am going to try and find some counseling, if nothing else, for me.....

A belated welcome from me too, Sasha. I'm glad you found the group and I look forward to getting to know you a little better. The people on this group are so sweet, I'm sure you'll find the support you need in these hard times!

just remember we are here to help you and support you. No you are not doing this alone..

I feel so stupid right now talking to a bunch of strangers but I don't know where else to go or what to do......... Things got really, really bad last night. I am sooooooooo confused. I don't know what to do. It was so bad I don't even want to post what happened, it's way too private. I'm a pretty sane normal person, but this has put me into a mood of dispair that I can't shake. It is now noon and I finally just got out of bed. I did not sleep at all last night, just cried all night long. He is not a bad person and there are so many good things about him. All I can think of is he must be going through some feelings like a prisoner of war must go through. I don't know! I've never been in his situation and I'm trying so hard to understand. Is there anyone who knows anything about the stress of being released after so long???????? Please, I don't know where to turn anymore.

Deana:

I have not had to go through this situation yet, but it will happen. I know how hard it must be for him to adjust to comming out of the system and not having a clue as to what and why all the changes in the outside world as they are today. He must be terribly confused.

Pleas, Go see a Counselor yourself. If he refuses to go that is OK, but you go yourself. A Counselor will advise you as to the best route you can take to help him and yourself.

It may be that he cannot get straightened out. You must accept this happening. It can very easily be that he cannot see his own problems. Try to convince him to go with you but if he won't---go yourself.

My prayers and love to you

Donna

Honey I am not sure what happened but let me tell you. talking to strangers is sometimes better.. We do not know either of you so our opionions and suggestions will be pure and unbiased.. So when you are ready we are here for you.. Sounds like someone really messed up and you are having a guilt trip behind it.. Let me just say that you do not cause his actions he is responsible for his own actions and you can't let his words or actions convince you other wise..

I know that it is hard but sometimes you really have to think about your general well being and evaluate the relationship.. Let me remind you of a fact I learned a long time ago. Love is not suppost to hurt, eithere physcial, emotionally or mentally. So I leave you with that..

I agree that talking to strangers is sometimes better. Sorry to hear you had such a bad night. I think, the longer he has been in prison, the more time and problems he has to adjust to being free again...Just make sure you're alright first of all!

SHASHA- FIRST OFF, DON'T EVER HESITATE TO COME TO US. SECONDLY, I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED BUT I KNOW THAT YOUR SAFETY NEEDS TO BE PRIORITY ONE. IF YOU ARE IN A SITUATION WHERE YOUR SAFETY IS JEAPORDIZED, PLEASE CALL A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE. I AM NOT MAKING ANY ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON BUT JUST WANT TO THROW THAT OUT. I KNOW IT IS VERY HARD WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE AND YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THEIR ACTIONS. YOU HAVE TO DECIDE WHAT YOU ARE WILLING TO TOLERATE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. IT MAY BE THAT YOU TWO NEED SOME TIME APART TO THINK THINGS OUT--REGARDLESS, PLEASE TALK TO A COUNSELOR. AND PLEASE LET US KNOW HOW THINGS GO. WE CARE ABOUT YOU!!!

SHERRI

Deanna - As usual I can't offer any advice because my husband is banged up and I thankfully have no experience of violence in a relationship. However, I did want to send you a big hug and say hello and welcome. Hugs - Joolz x

Hi everyone, I just wanted to post an update. It makes me feel better to let SOMEONE know how I'm doing, even if you don't know me. I put a call in today to a counseling place and am just waiting for them to call me back. I know I need to get some kind of support system here in case I need it. Thankfully, right now, we are doing great. But, I think it has a lot to do with how I handle things. I've adopted the attitude that I don't care and that is helping. As long as I don't care then I show no response to anything and then he doesn't show anger. Thank you all for your support and help.

Deanna

Shasha,
I'm far from a psychologist or counselor and I am glad you had a good weekend but please don't "forget" about what has happend. We all too often do that when times are good but all 2 often they go back the other direction.

David

SHASHA

MY LOVE TO YOU. KEEP YOUR FAITH AND DON'T FORGET THE COUNSELOR FOR YOURSELF.

OUR CHALLENGES WILL ALWAYS MAKE US STRONGER, BUT IT IS NOT WEAK TO ASK FOR HELP.

WE MAY BE STRANGERS, BUT MOST OF US HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH A GREAT DEAL OF PAIN IN MANY SITUATIONS.

KEEP YOUR FAITY IN GOD STRONG AND ASK FOR HELP WHEN YOU NEED IT.


DONNA

I have to agree with what fed x said remember what is happening.. the counseling is a good idea but you need to make sure you are being careful.. We just want to make sure you are ok..

ShaSha---FEDX and Shortie are totally right! I ahve never ha any violent episodes with Stephen but he is a compulsive gambler and liar--and this brought many heartaches in my life. And I let things go on too long..being upset when something happened and then pushing it aside cause I so badly wanted my life to be good..it was easier to put it away than it was to deal with the issues...and so this went on for like 5 or 6 years until now he got in some real trouble and it can't be put away or erased..so please try and deal with the issues before it becomes something you cannot handle..if a relationship doesnt make you feel good MOST of the time and it is so hard when the one you love doesn't respect yo and treat you in the way you deserve....i couldnt remember that link but i had saved the article so I am going to try to post it.. REMEMBER that even though we may be strangeers we are all here to help and love you in this difficult time....


What should families expect when their loved one gets out of prison?

What a good question! First I will share what my students have told me:

They stand at doors and wait for them to open.
They look for cameras each time they walk into a room.
They wait for someone to tell them that it is time for them to eat.
They eat quickly and quietly--no relaxed family conversations at the table--and they hit the table when they finish eating. (They aren't allowed to talk while they are eating in prison, so they hit the table to say goodbye to their friends.)
They forget to zip their pants. (No zippers allowed in Texas prisons.)
They feel like everyone is staring at them.
They dream about things that happened in prison (like Vietnam War flashbacks).
They jump at sudden sounds behind them, afraid that someone is going to hurt them.
They talk like they are in prison--using prison slang that freeworld people don't understand.
They feel extremely uncomfortable around people in freeworld clothes--they are used to seeing only uniforms.
They feel the need for structure, boundaries; freedom is scarey (idleness leads to problems).
It's difficult to make decisions or be responsible for themselves. At the same time, they want and need to do this.
They want to find a job the first day they are out. This puts a lot of pressure on them. They feel like now that they have a prison record, no one will ever want to hire them. They get discouraged quickly and easily.
At the same time, there is the feeling that they want to "make up for lost time." They have missed so much for so many years and they try to get it back all at once. A simple thing like eating at McDonald's takes on enormous importance when you have been denied that freedom for so long.
They feel like life is whirling around them extremely fast, like a tornado, with their head turning in every direction, trying to take in everything at once. This is the hardest concept for freeworld people to understand. In prison, time stands still. Nothing chinges--ever (except the rules, which change daily!). Picture Rip Van Winkle, waking up. The world has changed but you have not. Culture shock! You are not in touch with current styles, or slang. You won't understand conversations commenting on current TV shows or movies. Things around you have all changed--buildings, people (born, older, dead, moved, opinions, personalities, etc.).
Last but not least, the prisoners themselves have changed! They are filled with an overwhelming sense of anger and fear and pain. They begin to experience emotions that they have not allowed themselves to feel while incarcerated. (To feel emotions in prison can put your life in danger!)
These problems last a very long time. I think that for every year a person is incarcerated, it takes about a year to get over these problems. In other words, a person incarcerated ten years will need ten years to recover. I have heard that the five-year anniversary of freedom is often very difficult and will often be the time when a person seeks counseling. Remember that prison is very much like a war zone. Ex-offenders often experience the same psychological problems that war veterans experience; but they have the added burden of returning to society in shame instead of as heroes.

So what can a family do?

Take care of yourself first! You cannot help your loved one if you get sick. Find (or start) a support group: church, 12-step group, etc.
My students tell me that they don't want people to treat them differently. If your loved one had been away to college, how would you treat him when he came home? Treat him the same way when he comes home from prison. He is now an adult, deserving of respect, capable of taking care of himself. Don't bring up the past. Let him know you love and support him, but don't lecture him or "preach" at him. Allow him to make mistakes and learn from them.
Don't react negatively to things he says or does. Keep your dignity and serenity. Stay calm. Speak the truth in love. Be willing to set your own boundaries for what behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not.
Remember that your loved one has changed. He is not the same person he was when he went to prison. In some ways he'll be better; in some ways he'll be worse. Accept him as he is. Don't try to change him. Allow him the freedom to decide what kind of person he wants to be. Don't offer advice unless he asks for it. (Bite your tongue!) Let him know that this is what you are doing because you respect the fact that he is an adult and will have to make his own decisions.
Don't set yourself up with unrealistic expectations (good or bad) for your loved one. Make expectations for yourself. Then let your loved one set expectations for himself. As a popular saying goes, "You can't find bread in a hardware store." He might be like a hardward store when he gets out. Don't expect to find bread there. Just take things one day at a time.
Don't try to protect him or hide things from him. Feel free to share your feelings and experiences, making it clear that you are simply sharing, not trying to control or manipulate him. At the same time, be patient. You don't have to try to solve all of the problems the first day he is home. This will take time.

Shasha, I apologize for not welcoming you earlier.

Let me say this, I have been in abusive relationships in the past and you know what?? Not all of them hit me. Sometimes it is the verbal abuse that hurts worse than the physical abuse. But abuse is abuse. I learned really quickly that with the physical abuse, the pain goes away, but with verbal abuse, you can never take words back, so they continue to hurt, sometimes for years.

I know your man is going through a readjustment period, but that doesn't mean that he has a right to treat you this way. I agree with the others that have advised that you find a counselor. Another thing is a safety plan. Even if you don't think he will hit you, you don't have to put up with the verbal crap. I know you love him, but you have to look out for yourself.

If you ever need someone to talk to, please contact any of us.

Tracy

good morning all! It's early Friday morning and I'm just getting my day going. I wanted to "check" in with all of yu. My guy and I haven't seen much of each other for two days now. In fact we only saw each other for about 10 minutes. He's working 10 hours a day and Wednesday wanted to work out at the gym (he can go to the gym but he's demanding that I quit smoking because of the cost, I would feel a lot better about that if it was my health first on his mind or even on his mind. Also I told him I wanted to get counseling but he said we can't afford it), Yesterday he didn't come over because his PO was coming by his parent's house (yes he's living with mom and dad!) After the PO left he went to work out again. We talked a few times on the phone. This is not at all what I expected upon his release. I expected to have someone with me, working with me, sharing my problems etc. I have been so lonely for so long and I'm still lonely. I'm also in a new town and know no one. Whine, whine, whine! He and I are going to Vegas tomorrow night. My best friend is going to be there from PA and I told him with or without him I'm driving out to see her. I thought it might be good if I could see him with one of my friends that I've had for years and years. I called a counseling place yesterday but they never called me back. I'll keep trying.

Shasha... Just wanted to say hang in there... I know that having great expectations can sometimes be painful when things aren't the way we have spent so much time imagining they would be. Hang in there.... Just keep evaluating where and how things are going and if you are satisfied... DECIDE NOW where your boundaries AND goals are.... that way you will be able to tell if you are moving in the right direction AND will know whether or not the time has come to get off the ride... you feel me??? We are always here to listen.... keep giving us updates on how things are going...
Peace....

Shasha,
I've been through some horrible times with David. He is a violent drunk. I learned the hard way that nothing I did or said was right and I was going to pay the price one way or the other. He always felt bad after and promised he would never do it again, but then he would get drunk(er), he never really sobered up completely. His family hates me and says that I can't possibly love him because I had him arrested multiple times for the abuse. I don't care what they think, I know I did the right thing. Unfortunealty, he ended up in prison because he decided to leave when he thought he was going to hurt me again, he got drunk, tried to steal a purse and ended up being convicted of attempted car jacking, because the woman worked for a federal judge.
I have forgiven him for hurting me, but I will never forget, if I do, I run the risk of letting it happen again.
I love him and hope that he will be a better man when he comes home.
Do you two have kids that are involved?
I'll pray for you, because the soul searching you will have to do, may hurt at times, but don't give up on yourself.

It is pretty powerful to hear and share each others stories. I pray that you will take to heart what has been said and do some soul searching. I believe that people can change but we have to have the proper direction and support.

Update: I am really upset! Today he came and got my car to wash it and left his for me to use. I had to run errands and got about two miles away from home and the brakes went out. I narrowly missed hitting the car in front of me and was lucky nothing was in the lane I swerved into. I had no where to pull off so continued driving, slowly and cautiously. Again no brakes any time I stopped. I had to use the emergency. I finally got into a Walmart parking lot and called him . He came over right away, so upset and thankful I wasn't hurt. He got in the car and started driving to check the brakes. The brakes were fine. He was furious. Accused me of lying just to get him over to me. What really upset me is he made me get in the car with him and then drove fast towards a light pole and slammed on the brakes. We stopped maybe 6 inches from pole. He then did the same thing to a car. I have been driving for a long time and I have driven many different vehicles and I KNOW there were no brakes. Why there are now is beyond me! I told him if I wanted to lie about something to get him to come I could think of a much better lie and one that I wouldn't get caught in. Does anyone have an explanation for the brakes being fine now???? Am I crazy!

Shasha,
Frist I would also like to extend a welcome to you.
There were so many things that I wanted to tell you as I read your posts but it seems everyone beat me to it. Just one thing I would like to add. You said if you are quite and don't react he gets over things. You must realize that your opinions are both important and necessary in a relationship. You need to be able to express yourself and engage in discussion with your signifigant other. I hate to hear that you have chosen to let it go until he gets over it. It seems he has a lot of anger and possibly wants to take control of someone since others controled his every move for ten years.
I think it is important the you devise a formal saftey plan for yourself just in case. If you like I would hepl you. It is a plan of contacts, places, money, car keys etc. just incase you ever need it.
I truly understand that you love him and have worked so hard and gone through so much to be together. But a relationship always takes work no matter how good the situation is. The factor that makes a relationship last is that both parties are willing to work together. Is he willing to work to make your relationship last? Are there any drugs/ alcohol/ past abusive relationships? You don't need to tell me just some things you may want to think about.
Anytime you need anything just hollar thats what we are all here for!
Hugs,
Michelle

Shasha, I agree with Michelle, make sure you have a safety plan. Because it seems like your man has a hole lot of anger inside. I won't tell you what to do,because I'm not in your relationship and know neither of you personally. But in my opinion, from the moment you feel that you are afraid of him or scared to comment anything, to give your opinion, because he'll be angry, you should start thinking if you really want to stay in the relationship. because it will only get worse. I've seen if for 21 years with my parents and it's still happening every day. If you're now being quiet until he gets over it, he'll never accept you speaking up to him later on.

I know you love him, you stood by him and went through a lot. But does he realize it? Or does he takes it (and you) for granted? Does he realize that, when he had someone else, that she may had stepped out the moment he went to prison?
It's not healty if you're the only one putting effort in this relationship, you'll only get hurt.

Sorry if this sounds like I'm telling you what to do, because that's not what I try to do...just giving you some things you have to seriously think about.

Stay strong and you know you can always lean on us!

Good advice ladies. First let me say that brakes can get air in the line and cause brake failure.. Or God is trying to show you something one or the other. Either way how he CHOOSE to deal with it was so not safe. In fact it was plane ingnorant and uncalled for.. Let say the breaks failed again you both could have been killed.. Does he know that he scared you?? You need to tell him... If you are afraid of him then you need to do some soul searching. Michelle brought up a good point about not being able to talk with you partner.. That is not a healthy relationship.. Make sure you take care of you ok...

shasha-sounds to me like he has a lot of control and anger issues that you are becoming the scapegoat for-PLEASE recognize your value as an individual and that you deserve to be treated with respect- you have the right to have and EXPRESS your opinions, desires, needs and frustrations--Love and a healthy relationship is a reciprocal thing-give and take-negotiation- it is not a dictatorship. Please get counseliung. i don't care what he says about the money, and as everyone keeps emphasizing-safety is the most important thing. Take care-We're here for you

Sherri

Hey shortie _tried to email you the article but it keeps getting returned ???

SHASHA-JUST WANTED TO CHECK ON YOU-HOW ARE THINGS GOING ?

That was so nice of you to check on me! Makes me feel better. We're doing okay. Since the brake incident he has been the guy that I fell in love with. Actually, he found out that the brakes did need replaced and I think he felt so bad that he acted the way he did that he has been trying harder. I went to Vegas for two days by myself and he missed me a lot! Thank you for caring............

SHASHA-GLAD TO HEAR THINGS ARE GOING WELL--KEEP US POSTED OKAY? WE CARE A LOT ABOUT YOU!!

SHERRI

hey there shasha,
i just registered tonite wondering if anyone had a situation like mine and i found yer post- my husband who was released 7 months ago is also dealing with anger- i have started counseling for about 2 months and things are still not great- i mean all relationships are hard but we are trying to deal with an abnormal situation and only have normal tools to deal with- i don't know what to say other than letting him know that you are doing the best you can- my counseling has helped a bit just to have 1 hour a week where i can vent without bringing it to the entire community- i try to make sure he develops good relationships with others and engage in healthy things- and still there are moments when we yell and fight and i feel like withdrawing- we love eachother very much and we try to remember that we cannot resent eachother for the sacrifices we have chosen- we try to take an hour every day just to talk like friends- this seems to help but i share yer frustrations- i also own my own business and have slacked off- maybe if he could help you in yers that would be good so its like team work- sometimes i feel selfish for bitchin about my frustrations because i need to remember what he's been through- but you must remember his pain is not more important than yours- stay strong and talk to him!! let him know you will always love him but that you need to face all problems together in a rational open and honest way getting used to this has been hard trent and i had a fight tonite and thats why i'm here- he can be so angry and controlling and sometimes we just need to be individuals for awhile - i feel yer frustration and hope that any other women out there who have dealt with having their husbands come home ripped apart by this system of punishment could give us some more advice thanx,
relentless

oh yeah i fergot,
he says he will go to counseling but hasn't yet- i've always had a very 'no pressure' type of approach and don't know what to do now

Well said, Relentless.. and senseable. ;)