My youngest brother and I have always been close. There is 6 years between us and when I was young I always pretended he was my real life baby doll. My brother has been in and out of juvie, jail and then prison since he was 13. He's now 28.

For a six year period we didnt speak. He was living a fast life, I didnt like the momma to his son and I just steered clear. By being with Melissa he ended up in jail for arson...stupid stupid stupid. Got 2 years and 5 years probation.

In April of 2002, I went and picked him up from prison. I had an apartment ready for him, he had use of my truck to find himself a job, I was always encouraging him. I tried to encourage him to get his GED, but it hasnt happened yet. He has a 5 yr old son, that we were really hoping he would re connect with, so much promise in him. He's charming, good looking, funny, witty and just out right fun.

In the two years since he has come home, it has been nothing like I had hoped. He doesnt work, doesnt visit his son and now we are back to not speaking. Had an incident where all my money came up missing. I stood up to my mom and took a lot of ass chewings from her over him.

I just dont understand how someone who seems to have it all does nothing. He doesnt want to work, he lets his g/f support him. He is always going out but never has any money. It literally breaks my heart.

I really miss him and I want him to have a wonderful life, I am just scared that one day my mom is going to say: Your brother is back in prison and I know there is nothing anyone of us can do about it.

I have had to let go again, but I know and he knows if he ever gets in trouble again , I will be there for him.

What is it about our brothers that they just dont seem to get it????

Roger's Girl.. I have no idea.. my brother is in prison right now.. I don't really talk to him much.. we were writing all the time.. but his letters say the same thing as when he was out.. he has the same mentality.. he wants to do the same stuff and be around the same people.. I just don't get it.. he is getting nothing through his head.. He got his GED, which is the only good thing that has come out of this.. he is up for parole soon.. and I just really hope he gets his act together, but it doesn't seem like it.. he gets in trouble in there.. I don't even know what to do with him.. so I stopped repsonding to his letters.. I told him I don't wanna hear about all the negativity he wants to do.. I wanna hear some positive stuff..

Your brother has to want to change on his own.. no one can do it for him.. he has to want it.. so there really is nothing you can do for him.. it just really sucks when you want so bad to make them understand you just can't...

I really feel for you and understand what you are saying. My brother and I were so close when he was younger, he was so unique and funny. Then for some reason drugs and alcohol took over. We didn't talk for a very long time because all he was doing was hurting himself and everyone around him. Even now at 26 he seems to know no personl responsibility. Doesn't have a job, sleeps on my couch, makes excuses for everything. It's hard because for so long I have felt like I have to help take care of him because he's my little brother.
At times it seems heartless to let go and have them land on their butts again and again, but they have to learn. And hopefully some day they will. Until then, keep your head up and just take care of you. Best wishes ~

********{HUGS}}}}} find it in your heart to forgive him...my son who is 27 has been in and out since 16...he got home in feb 2003 and went back to his wild ways and got put back in july 2003....i know his bro. took him in when he was about 19 and chris stole from him....my oldest didn't have anything to do with him for years...he gets out of prison...everyone is glad and loves him again...but now his sis is so mad and disappointed...she thought she had her big bro back and that all was good...now she won't even answer the phone if she knows it him...yes i can understand the anger..but as a mom...it hurts me to know that love is not unconditional as far as my children go...you can still love him and give support without accepting his behavior...and without giving into his whims...such as letting him come back to your house to live...or sending him cash...or paying for his collect phone calls...as a mom though i believe blood is thicker than water...and resentment can poison the soul...but hey thats my opinion...**********{HUGS}}}}}}
christine

SamIam, you just described the household I lived in many many years ago. The stealing, the fights between the rest of us over not wanting him back in the house. My mom keeps telling me, he's my son, I love him. I have always tried to understand where she is coming from, but not being a mother myself, it's hard.

He called me Thursday out of the blue to wish me Happy Birthday. I hadnt seen him since late January. It made my day. He was telling me all about his job, his new apartment and the car he is buying. I want so much for all this to work for him, but I also know until he has it and I can see it, I just cant believe him.

I hope all of our brothers and sons, can get it together, for their sakes. Thank you for helping me see, once again, I am not alone.

My brother goes in and out. I feel you everyone. Its so hard. Best I can do is run with a different kind of crew, stay away from thugs and drugs and just live a clean life and hope he will be cured of his street life when he comes home next time.
Best of luck to all our siblings.

Wow what a deja vu in your post! I also have the 28 years old brother who "had everything" and he finally graduated from ripping off family members and is on his way to state prison. We were so close that if I was sick, he'd call every time. We were that connected. Then the booze and drugs took over -- then the gambling. When the lawyers contacted my mom, and she had to sit down and think about it, she was shocked by how long all of this BS had been going on --and he was always "helped" out of it.

I went and visited my brother today in the county jail... he's a week from prison, and I was shocked after all these months to actually visit my <B>brother</B>... and not the booze sodden couch potato I've been so pissed at for the last couple years.

You just can't "help" them out of it. My brother has never had any hobbies or anything except watching TV and drinking beer, and until he decides that there is something fun and useful to do in life, he isn't going to change. I don't know if he is changed now. Well, he is, but I don't know if that will last once he is out. He's been drug and booze free for 5 months now. I think that is probably a problem with a lot of our youth, they're more intested in self gratification (such as it is,) rather than helping other people or otherwise doing something useful.

I find it impossible to forgive someone who doesn't realize their problem, and fixes it. There is no "try." At the moment, he is profoundly embarrassed to find himself in the position he is in, but I honestly don't know if that will last. Anyone can be a decent citizen --there is no magic formula. My brother has wonderful skills that he simply finds no joy in using. Not them, or anything. I love him, but I also hate what he has done to our family, his wife and his young kids. I will emotionally support him the best I can, but he has to move waaaay beyond himself. He has completely destroyed my trust now. Frankly, I only trust him at the moment because he is in jail and is going to prison. I feel badly, but I hope it shakes some sense into him. And if it does, I'll forgive him and I'll help him however I can. But I might beat him with a stick if he reverts back to the same crap.

Kelly

My youngest brother and I have always been close. There is 6 years between us and when I was young I always pretended he was my real life baby doll. My brother has been in and out of juvie, jail and then prison since he was 13. He's now 28.

For a six year period we didnt speak. He was living a fast life, I didnt like the momma to his son and I just steered clear. By being with Melissa he ended up in jail for arson...stupid stupid stupid. Got 2 years and 5 years probation.

In April of 2002, I went and picked him up from prison. I had an apartment ready for him, he had use of my truck to find himself a job, I was always encouraging him. I tried to encourage him to get his GED, but it hasnt happened yet. He has a 5 yr old son, that we were really hoping he would re connect with, so much promise in him. He's charming, good looking, funny, witty and just out right fun.

In the two years since he has come home, it has been nothing like I had hoped. He doesnt work, doesnt visit his son and now we are back to not speaking. Had an incident where all my money came up missing. I stood up to my mom and took a lot of ass chewings from her over him.

I just dont understand how someone who seems to have it all does nothing. He doesnt want to work, he lets his g/f support him. He is always going out but never has any money. It literally breaks my heart.

I really miss him and I want him to have a wonderful life, I am just scared that one day my mom is going to say: Your brother is back in prison and I know there is nothing anyone of us can do about it.

I have had to let go again, but I know and he knows if he ever gets in trouble again , I will be there for him.

What is it about our brothers that they just dont seem to get it????
NOT JUST THE BROTHERS SWEETIE..MY HUSBAND HAD THE SAME PROBLEM..THIS TIME AROUND THOUGH I THINK HES LEARNED HIS LESSON..I HOPE..IM PRAYING FOR U, TAKE CARE OF URSELF, I KNOW U LOVE HIM, BUT "YOU" COME FIRST!!! HOPEFULLY HE'LL WAKE UP...TOOK MY HUSBAND 2 TIMES OF GOIN TO PRISON:ha:

Well just a short update. My brother is back. Back on my couch. He does have a good job, he is showing signs of responsibility in that he is paying his parole, he is going to attend his son's kindergarten graduation. He just left the girl he has been on and off with for the last two years. I am really hoping this time its different.

So we will see. I know it is very true, no one changes unless they want too. I am praying to GOD that he truly is in my brothers heart and helps my brother change.

Good luck to all of you - to all of us as we cant do anything but just love our brothers !

Roger's Girl, I am glad he is making some effort.. I will keep you both in my prayers!!! Just try and be supportive.. that is all we can do...

ROGERS GIRL, I BELIEVE HE'S IRRESPONSIBLE BECAUSE HE FEELS THAT HE HAS YOU AND HIS FAMILY TO FALL BACK ON.
I THINK YOU SHOULD TRY "TOUGH LOVE". PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN AND DEMAND THAT HE FIND A JOB. LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT GOING SUPPORT HIM ANYMORE. YOU SHOULD GET HIS GIRLFRIEND TO DO THE SAME THING.

OHHH, I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE READ ALL OF THE RESPONSES.
HE HAS A JOB!!!! THAT IS GREAT NEWS. I DO HOPE THAT HE KEEPS AND DOES SOMETHING GOOD WITH HIMSELF.

Well he did have a job for a while. Even got an apt of his own right over here by me. That lasted...ummm...3-4 weeks. Gave him my furniture - 1/2 of my kitchen and on and on and then one day he hurt his foot was out of work one week and just didnt return to his apt.

Is living with an older woman, lost the apt and everything in it... Once again, he just doesnt get it.

Roger's Girl,

I wish I had the answer to your question. I am going through the same thing with the father of my 16 1/2 month old son.
In and out of jail as a juvie and went to prison for the first time at 18. Sentenced to 2 years and did 16 months, but spent the next 13 years. Spent more time in Prison then on the street. At 31 he went to treatment, stayed clean, got off parole...relapsed, shortly after his number expired and within 2 months of discharge, November 15, 2002, was arrested and sentenced to 2 years..Back on parole, got out of prison March 18th, and by June 5, back in on a parole violation, but only spent 2 13 days in prison, ( they did not violate him ), and Last Friday, August 6, 2004 was re-arrested for possession of a controlled substance and just got sent to SQ on the 12th..will be violated and not sure if charged with a new charge. His mother is devastated...that her soon to be 33 year old son has spent a majority of his life since 16 years old in jails and prisons. Your brother and he seem so much a like and I don't know why he does what he does, won't work, expects women to take care of him..prison does not change him, being away from his son means nothing, and the 5 months he was out, he saw the boy he'd NEVER met, 2 times for 5 minutes at a time.

I did not know how to respond when I got the phone call from his mom.."David's in Jail".
You'd think I would get used to this, but I never do..it seems to get worse every time it happens...and there is NOT a thing anyone can do....we have tried it all.. it's up to him. but it does not make it easier to deal with. and I still have HOPE..that there is still something left inside of him, that still cares and he obviously can't do this on his own, but he doesn't listen to what people say..and I believe that is some of the problem.
It's beyond my comprehension...and I have racked my brain to come up with some kind of solution, and what I have realized is I can only Pray..

I got clean and sober, I have changed my life in the last 7 years, I work in the field and try and help other women, and it's hard to comprehend i could do it, I WANTED to however, and I wanted to be clean MORE than I wanted to NOT be clean. I guess!!
Why it worked for me...I don't know..
It's so hard watching someone you love waste their life. He's smart, a good person when not on drugs, and there's got to be something I can do but I can't do anything...

Keep talking to him, set boundaries and stick to them..figure out if you are contributing to him continuing down the road to destruction by offering him a place to flop at...sometimes it takes LOOSING IT ALL before they can see the extent of their problem what ever it is.. that might be the only thing that changes them, but it's hard..we don't want to turn our backs but sometimes we have to, to save their life..
I don't know what to say. You are in my thoughts.

Thank you Sunnie. It helps knowing someone else can fully understand what it feels like..

I know how you feel my brother has been a problem for awhile. he started to straighten up landed up with another case that he was facing 8 years for he got lucky and was only given 4 mnths in jail and 5 years probation. he was talking about moving in with me and finding a good job when he got out of jail. well somehow in that 4 months he changed his mind :rolleyes: now he is living with my uncle doing drugs again :confused: while on probation that is 5 years so if he gets caught its striaght to prison for him. :angry: :angry: this is my little brother and i can see him being sent to prison which is really heartbreaking.

Rogers Girl: I feel how sad and frustrating this must be for you. Unfortunately people have to WANT to change before they actually do. For reasons you may never understand, it doesn't sound like your bro wants to change yet. Til he wants to he will probably stay on the same path.

I have some friends who have taken this same path. I don't get it either. One turned out to be mentally ill (bipolar) so it made a little more sense. Another was just depressed and another was plain irresponsible.

YOU are not responsible for HIM...he is. Make that your mantra and pray for him. All you can do is love him and be there for him.:heart:

i am sorry to hear that your brother isnt doing any good with his life. sometimes when a person has been in and out of instutions all his life or most of it they become instutionalized. therefore the only way they can function is in an institution setting. although they will hate being in there they will also love the idea of not having to take actual responsibility for their own lives.

i know what you are saying...my brother gets out in 11 days and i don't know what to expect.!