WOW!!!!! I woke up this morning and looked across my bedroom and saw the sun bright as it ever was. And it took everything out of me to get out of bed this morning.. I took my kids to the park today, it was a beautiful warm sunny day and I cried for about a half hour thinking of how I wish my hunny was with me to enjoy this day.. I come home and I jump right on line, reading and posting my own thoughts...(oh by the way I live here)...but mostly trying to find some way to cope with my time apart from my love.. I never come here, but today for some reason I wanted to venture into this forum...
I say all of this to say to you all on this forum, that I woke up drained and wanted nothing to do with life today... I am physically and mentally tired... I am at my lowest point right now, this lack of drive is affecting me mentally and physically......HERE IS THE KICKER!!! I only have to wait 5 1/2 months for my love to be released and I am dying here!!! My question to you all---and let me say with great respect and admiration is: HOW THE HELL DO YOU DO IT??? I must apologize for even taking the blessing I have forgranted, but I am losing my stride in life... What keeps you going and loving and waiting and sane?

Sorry to go on so long!!! But I have been really touched by everyone here in this forum!!!! :p

Rona

My man is serving a life sentence so that might be different but I think we all have our ways of coping. As strange as they might be, we do it one day at a time, actually one hour at a time, and it's hard but everything is. Without my faith in God these things would be possible.

It sounds like you are having a good day, I am happy that your man will be returned to you shortly! Take care! :)

Tonysgirl you take one day at a time, some times one minute at a time. Unfortunatly my Tracy was murdered by the State two years ago. But you spend your time making memories and never never give up hope.

Love knows no boundries, rather it be for a minute or for a day or years.
Some days there are tears, some days there is anger, but some days there is the Love of that sun or sunset or the child playing in the park

softie

You said that perfectly Softheart! :)

Tonysgirl
It is sometimes good to start a journal, and write all the good things and bad things that happen in life. When you are having a bad day, go back and look at the good days that you have had as well, and they do even themselves out believe it or not. It is a hard road to walk, but we get there eventually. You did the right thing today, getting out and taking the kids out. Even though the tears were there, its good to cry and get it out. Its the little things we do that upset us most in daily life, even to going to the grocery store and seeing the food that they like to eat .
Hang in there, and talk away.

I am a death row wife. It is the most difficult terrible thing that I have been
through. He is doing OK. I don't think its all sunk in. Or he is in total denial.
He was sent there only a few months ago. But it feels like forever. No one
understands. Even him sometimes. I told him I wish they would let me trade
places with him....however its my sentence too. When we have marriage
problems its compounded by where he is. There are no phone calls. No
contact at the visits. And like I said no one understands. And then there is
the women that think its "cool" to contact DR inmates, no difference if they
are married. The other inmates keep egging him on to get "penpals" to pay
for his legal defense....it goes on and on. What I am glad about he has
good health. So far his mind is clear. And I can see him. I love him. That will
never end. And yes wrongly convicted. But once you get there only a few
have ever walked away.......

Rosita,
My thoughts and prayers are still with you. You are a strong compassionate, and wonderful person, that I admire. You have so much to offer people.

Kyla, thank you. You made me cry....thank you for the kind words.....God
bless you Kyla and your family...and friends. Rosita

Listening to you all makes me saddened that I am looking forward to my Fiance coming home... I don't know what to say...Before I started this question on this forum, I thought I really had it bad, but I was wrong..really wrong..Meeting my fiance and now losing him to the prison system makes me appreciate the freedom I have... Meeting you all on this forum just makes me appreciate living the life I own.. Ladies, I am sorry that we all don't appreciate what you all go through and I really believe everyone on this site needs to visit this forum to just see why we really have no need to complain.... Thank you for sharing your feelings with me...

Out of respect for your places in life, I think I will stop and consider where I really am in life from now on before I complain...

Love Rona

Rona, thank you for your words. Very kind and understanding. I am very
happy for you. That your man will be coming home. And you can put all that
behind you. And live. Be happy. Hang onto each other. I am praying for you
and others so that you will be reunited. I am a big supporter of families.
Thanks! Rosita
:cuffs:

Softheart is soooo right. I fell in love with a DR inmate about 7 years ago. Trust me that is not what I was looking for or what my intentions were. We cannot help the feelings that we have for another person.

We have been through Hell right here on the face of this earth. He has been there 21 years and has maintained his innocence all these years. I vowed long years ago to continue fighting to clear his name even if they murdered him before I could do this. We spend our time writing to each other and visiting when we can and we have visions of being together one day and we pray that it is here on this earth, but if not we will be together again one day in Heaven.

It is terribly hard, but when the love is there it is not hare. This is something that I am not proud of but I am going to tell you this in an effort to show you what I mean. I have been married twice and was in two other serious relationships before I met this man. I was beaten and abused in just about every way there was to be abused. After abuse started I was never faithful, thinking I was hurting spouse when in the long run I was only hurting myself. Since the day I feel in love with DJ, I have not wanted to be with anyone else. I love him that much. He is the first thing on my mind every morning and the last thing on my mind at night. We have shared so much more with each other about things that count, all due to his being on DR and us having to share whatever it is we can share.

Keep hanging tough and it will all turn out alright. I wish I only had 5 1/2 months and then DJ could come home. He is currently under a stay of execution and has been since July 2001, so we never know when we are going to get the call that it is all back on again. Still dont think that I am ready for that.

Rona, I am happy for you that your man will be home soon. I wish there were more ladies like you, who did not take for granted that their men will be home at ALL, let alone soon. So many people whine over their man being gone for just a few more months, or even a few years, and while it may be too "rough" for them, I wish they would put things in perspective. So I admire you for being able to do that.

My husband is on death row, and it's the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. We're both so young, and we have our whole future together planned out...and it breaks my heart to fear we may never have these things...because even if his sentence is commuted to life (which we pray and have faith it will), it would still be life without parole. I think I probably cry every day, or if not it's only because I push the situation out of my head as much as I can and just think about the love we share. If I sat around and thought about truly where he is and what we are facing...and this long uphill battle we will have...I don't think I could do it. It's so hard...and I just thank you for taking the oppertunity to think of us, the death row families. We seem to be forgotten so much of the time. :(

Thanks Rona...
Celene

...I am so saddened, yet touched by this thread...You women are incredible to endure so much pain that comes along with this life, your hearts must ache constantly...It really does put life into perspective...I was just feeling stressed this morning because we are having financial struggles...but I AM SO LUCKY...to even have him home to struggle with...God bless you all...I pray for your hearts and minds and souls to be able to continue to bear this burden and for your loved ones to survive in some sort of peace...I hope this doesn't sound stupid...I am at an utter loss for words...

Thank you MrsMaze...your words were beautiful and truly touched my heart.

I read this thread for the first time this morning. I must say that you women are so strong. You give me much more motivation then I woke up with this morning. My boyfriend does get to come home someday and I should count my blessings for that. I think we often think about the negative and not the positive. Those of you that have men on DR or life set the example of an ideal woman. You are very blessed with strength and loyalty. I admire all of you for that. God bless you all.

Rona
Well look at the bright side you will be with your honey very soon. My brother is also on DR for 11 years, he was only 17 years old when he committed the crime. He takes full responsibility for what he has done. He was given a date 06-24-04 but thanks to our lord that he got a stay.
Rosita
I totally understand, maybe it is even harder to have your spouse/loved one in there. I have Raul and hopefully the law will change pretty soon, because I know that 2004 will be a GREAT YEAR.
God Bless You
Ruth
Raul's sister

When I started this post or asked this question, I never imagined what it would mean for me and my life. Most of my time here at PTO was to vent my frustration with my life and complain about how this time is killing me... I want you ladies to know that after meeting you and reading your posts(and by the way I do come here often and reread your posts when I think my life sucks) I have taken a look at my life and what I have done and will do. I don't think I would have ever taken the time to actually stop and discover what I have been missing if It has not been for you...I can't replace your pain or bring your loved ones home, and I can't change anything you may be going through and I am soo soo sorry for your pain... But, I believe that I should let you know that your pain is not unheard and I pray for you everyday.. I don't know how to express my feeling to you in anyother way but to say thank you for responding so I could meet such strong women, thank you for opening up your heart and letting us in, and thank you for awakening me to life again....

Love

Rona

I just wanted to echo what has already been said by the women who have posted before me that do not have a loved-one on DR. I am one of those that just last week "whined" (to quote RandysBlondy) when I found out that instead of coming home yesterday, my baby won't be home for another year. Reading your posts touched my heart and reminded me not to ever take even one day with someone you love for granted. Thank you for your strength and for being the ULTIMATE example of what it means to love someone completely, unconditionally, and forever. I am strengthened by your strength.

Wow! All Of You Are Admired A Hundred Times Over. I Kinda Know How Some Of You Feel As I Have A Brother That Is In Immigration Detention And He Will Probally Be Deported But We Hope Not. If He Gets Band From America It's For 20 Years And That's Life To Me. Well I Wish All Of You Here The Best And Stay Strong Because You Have A Special Gift In Your Heart.
Blessings Julie

This is my first time visiting the DR Forum. I am at a profound loss of words as I read the posts from all of you. Your strength and faith is of unbelievable porportions. Something that I doubt I would have the courage to do myself. I find myself dwelling in my own sorrow and feeling pity for myself often times. But reading your stories of life with a loved one on DR has touched my heart in more ways than explainable. I was in tears as I sifted through the words that were written by women I can only admire for the strength and determination you all have within. My fiance only has 64 days left until he comes home. Often times I feel as if that is so far away. You all have helped me to put my situation back in perspective and thank God and my blessings that we have the opportunity and chance that we do. Because of you all, I am able to see things a bit clearer and welcome this situation gracefuly with open arms, and be thankful for every day that we have together, as others are not as fortunate. God bless you all, and your families and friends. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

:hee: I stubbled in here by mistake or was it. I read this post and was deeply touched by the love and strength of the women here. I don't have a love one on death row. However he do have 11 more years to go and it feels like death sometimes to me. On a daily basis I am grateful to even have him. And I am also grateful to have people like you (PTO) to come to for just a talk or an ear. At this point my heart is so heavy from reading the thread replies. I love you are and you are my inspiration to hang in there and be strong. Thank you! :ha:

I wish more of us would stumble into this forum more often :)

I want to thank you Tonysgirl for starting this thread. Thanks for your kind.
observations. Ladies all of you have been so nice. Like I said before its the
most terrible thing I have ever been through. And I have had a tough life. I
tell my husband I guess I have had a rough time of life as a "boot camp" for
being a death row wife. So life for me was a dress rehersal. Every day is a
challenge. Last night I was looking at old letters from his sister. She was
asking him, "what do you want us to do with your body." This is sad. Well
I am going to tell her what I think of that dumb question. Also that's not for
her to worry about. It comes at us sometimes from all directions. Thanks for
the chance to share. And to be able to vent. ;)

This is also my first time visiting this forum. I am so touched by your stories and what you're going through. I have so much respect for all of you ladies. It hurts my heart to hear about what you're having to get put through because of our injustice system. You are all in my prayers.

Rosita,
I just read your posts, it bought tears to my eyes. Your the most determine and loving person, and if there is a difference to be made in this nightmare, I know you will be one to have a say in it. You and your husband are in my thoughts alot.

To the ladies that just stumbled in, I am so glad that you did, and things happen for a reason, so its great that you are here. :)

Kyla, thank you! :love: You are so right. It is a nightmare. But I am still there. Fighting the good fight. Thanks so much for all the support. Which I could not make it without the support. U r great! :love:

And again Tonysgirl thanks for starting this thread. :thumbsup:

It's days like this that are the hardest....sitting here in front of the computer, tears running down my face looking at a picture of my fiance, with only hope in my heart that he will be spared the death penalty. There are days that we both want to scream and cry - and days I know he wishes it would all end. In some ways I am very blessed we were able to experience life on the outside for a period of time. Sometimes I think this is the cruelest joke in the world - to love someone most of your life who you can't touch, hug, kiss, hold. To be very honest, thinking about the "end" is something I chose not to do....believe me, I don't live my life pretending it doesn't exist but I have to focus on what we have - right here - right now - this moment. Albeit with the greatest prison restrictions there are, every moment we have is just that - a moment to experience the most incredible "righteous connection" as he would call it. Why does it have to be this way? Why did this happen? Why couldn't we get it right the first time...maybe he wouldn't be on death row? Why does love come at such a price? Of the billions of people in the world, why do I love him so? My answer to all of these questions is always the same "It just is." We face this together with love, faith, courage, strength, trust, honesty, fear, hope, joy, and a profound sense of understanding that we face this journey together.

For everyone who has a loved one on death row - I know personally there is no greater pain but there is also no greater joy.

TK

tinkerpoo. you have me crying.
Your post is so real and full of raw emotion. I know your days and nights are filled with the same always. I think it is a gift that you and all the others in this position are able to love the way you do. I wish all of you the best, mayyour heartche fade and your love continue to grow...

You ladies are so special.
TK, love in unconditional, we love through all the differences in the world, and beyond. One day, this will end.

You know, as hard as this is to talk about, I woke up this morning feeling a little better - in some ways it is very theraputic to face your fears and deal with some of the emotion I try so hard to hide. Thank you to everyone for bringing up topics that aren't always easy to talk about and for giving unconditional support. This site certainly makes me laugh, cry and forces me to think about things I don't always consider - for this I am grateful.

TK

Wow, tinkerpoo you have such insight and even though I don't know you, from your post, I can tell you're an amazing and very strong woman. All of you women are so amazingly strong. I can't imagine being in your place and dealing with what you have to. Coming across this forum has helped me so much and has just opened my mind. I have always been against the death penalty, but I've never actually heard stories from those with loved ones on death row. You ladies definitely know the true meaning of unconditional love.

Hunt's-girl, thank you so much! :heart: :love: :heart:

Rosita :thumbsup:

To be honest, it takes just as much courage for every one of us in PTO and around the world. There are those that love people who will be coming home, whether it is soon or in years to come. Facing new fears and challenges - wondering if he or she will stay out this time or next time, picking up pieces and keeping our families together, raising children on our own or having to explain where mommy or daddy is... our experiences yet different are all very parallel, most of us crawl into bed alone and cry at night, wishing for more. You are all very amazing to me.....

TK

Kyla, I can't explain the feeling of coming to this forum and really exchanging feelings and emotions that I personally can't experience anywhere else on this site... Sure we all go through ups and downs and rocky roads, but nothing compared to the ups and downs of loving someone on deathrow.I must apologize..... I have to say that I am a bit selfish, I come here and read and snoop in some of the threads here and I don't say anything, because what do I say??? I experience loss, but my loss is like a grain of salt compared to what is experienced here. Sometimes I come here, when I feel I am at the end of my rope and when I feel like things are too bad to carry on. I come here when, I want to walk away...From my future husband and my life.. I come here to gain strength and become grounded again.. And believe me whenever possible I send others here also... SO forgive me for my selfishness, but I don't think I could have made it through some of my darkest nights without you all here on this forum..

So Rosita, please don't thank me...Thank you!!Thank everyone of you that has the strength and energy to keep going.. Thank each and everyone of you that keeps fighting!!! And thank each and everyone of you, that has enough strength, energy and love to share with the rest of us, to keep us going also!!!
Tinkerpoo, you are amazing, Thank You!!!

Love Rona

I think Tonysgirl definitely said it best. I wish more people could realize the strength and courage it takes to be in your positions. And Rosita, I have read a few other posts by you, and I can tell you are an incredible person. And yes, definitely a devoted wife.

Ladies, especially Tonysgirl & Hunt's-Girl, its makes my heart so very happy to hear your words of encouragement. And once again I do thank you. As you know things have been kind of sad lately. But I am holding onto him for dear life. Everyday since he went there has been a challenge. Every visit is bittersweet. It makes my :heart: so very happy to be a good wife to him. When I am no longer here someday that's what I hope will be remembered. That I loved him with all my heart. And that I was able to withstand all life threw at us. For him, I want them all to know (the awful state we live in) that he was a Christian husband & father. And that he refused to put his wife aside. Ladies continue to be sweet! And I do apprciate you!!!!!! :love:, Rosita

Wow... I came into here cuz I wondered how women of lifers are like? Now I know. They're full of compassion and patience enough to share with everyone here and over there and with their men. It's amazing how some of you stand by your man and not have a divorce within first 5 years of incarceration. Amazing! I could just cry by just thinking how you endure that! Wow... Also, it seems like intimate loved ones of livers could tolerate celibacy. How? Wow... I just KNEW that love DOES exist without the necessity of sex, I just wanted to see the words of those women with my own eyes. Now I know that type of love does exist... unconditionally. :) God B-L-E-S-S all of you special people! Smile. And I cried the another day several months ago...

I visited my ex at the Oregon State Pentientiary and I saw a grown woman with really, really, really long hair (down to her calves) kissing a man's cheek. The man looked like he is in his 80's, and he could barely walk with a cane. They held eachother at the elbows looking for 2 seats to sit down and visit. Then they sat down next to me and my ex. I looked at her and she gave me the most warming and sympathetic smile ever. Then she turned her head to the old man, and said the most heartfelt words I'll remember for the REST OF MY LIFE: Hi, Daddy. Then I overheard her telling him that her hair reached her calves and she's very excited because people could see how long she had been visiting her daddy since she was a teenager. I tried to hold back my tears but I couldn't so I just bursted out tears. She looked at me and asked me, "Are you ok?" I said, "No... It amazes me so much to see you stand by your lifer daddy all these years." They both looked at me with tear-filled eyes and continued their visits.
I'm telling you all, people, it's SO AMAZING! I repeat, God BLESS you all!

Chanda
Thanks for sharing that, it made me get tears in my eyes, reading about the girl that has always stood by her dad. That is really from the heart.
Thankyou for telling us that.

Ya ladies are making me cry. i dont normally come to this forum,
I myself cant ever amgine what it is like to love someone on the row. As most of you know, i am totally against dp, no matter what they have done,
i have a few on DP, and i tell you, it takes all my emtions, not that i would trade them for the world, but my point, you girls are just wonderful people. God bless each of you

Wow, I have to say, you are all very strong women. I dont know if I could do what you do everyday. Especially those of you with loved ones on DR. I have a few friends doing time, some less than others but most will have a chance to come home again & start over. I've complained about silly things in my life regarding relationships, but I dont think I'd be as strong as you all are. My thoughts & prayers are with you all & hope that you remain strong through your struggles.

God Bless

i guess i make it off of the love i have in my heart for him. i look forward to phone calls, letters and most of all visiting days. we try to remain as close as we can in this situation. loving him and knowing he loves me gives me stregnth to carry on and in turn it allows me to remain strong for him as well. in any situation loving a man in prison is never easy but i guess we all find ways to cope the best way we can. i only have 2 understanding friends whom are supportive of my situation. other than that im on my own or i log onto pto. i cry alot and i try to keep myself busy the best way i can. i work at accomplishing my goals and i love hanging with friends and family. theres really no direct or correct answer to the question. i guess i just take each day as it comes and deal with it the best way i can. i love my baby and that alway keeps me strong and focused.