when I ran across this one my first thought was how much I related with others that have posted here, my second thought was to post and tell my story, then my third thought was to run, to unsubscribe from PTO...don't sound like a whiner I thought to myself! But...I have been keeping things bottled up inside of me for to long now and it is starting to eat from the inside out! I have to let go of this and PTO has given me the perfect opertunity to do just that, right here in this forum. SO...here goes!

I came from a family with a long line of domestic violence, alchole addiction and drug abuse...it's in my blood...goes all the way back to my great grandmother and grandfather on both sides of the family. So I am aware of it and fight with this every day within myself. when I was 10-11 years old I was molested by my step father, it devistated me, I turned to drugs and got pregnant with my first child when I just turned 15...my birthday was on the 3rd of the month and my first son (Joey) was born on the 13 of the month.I was a baby fixing to get slaped in the face with mother hood and I wasen't ready, I had no clue of what it was like to be a mother and my mother couldn't help me to much there as she was never home...having to work two jobs herself to keep food on the table and a roof over mine and my 2 brothers heads.I was VERY rebelious and doing drugs like I said. Pot, acid. My mother tried to talk me into having an abortion...there was absolutly NO talking to me about that at all, there was no way I was going to kill the child I was fixing to give birth to.I had my son...the most beautiful person in my life at that time still is...one, of the most blessed people in my life to this day...but I put him through Hell and back again. I would hitch hike all over from town to town...taking my baby with me...teaching him how to grow up to be a drugy! I'm suprised they didn't take him away from me at birth...but the laws about that were just a little bit more lax about those things back in the 70's. He smoked his first Joint when he was 6 years old.I was so strung out I wasen't even paying attention to what my son was doing. I would leave him with my mother...if she would keep him and go partying for days and weeks on end before I came back and if she wouldn't watch him, I always found someone else that was willing to watch him for me.This went on for years, I had my second son (Heath) when I turned 18 the second most blessed person in my life...things changed, for the first year or two I stoped taking drugs...well kinda, I went the legal way and started taking anti depressants, perscribed drugs. It was like this for the first year or two after I Had Heath, I felt like I was setteling down then boom! I overdosed on my prescribed drugs, my little boys found me in the bed ..almost gone and ran to the neighbors for help. I woke up in the hospitial with tubs running out of my chest , nose, all kinds of machines hooked up to me with my mother and biological father standing over me rubbing my forhead and the first thing out of my mouth was "why didn't you let me go, everyone would have been better off?" I got out of the hospitial and started selling pot then and running more and leaving my boys more. They always had food to eat and a roof over there heads though...but usually it was someone elses roof! I had married 2 times, first one was good to my boys but he was an alcholic, and got real crazy epasodes so we divorced and I remarried not long after that...well that didn't work to well after he found out things about me...lol...he was a x cop and couldn't have his reputation tarnished! So we divorced...besides I found him in bed with who I thought at the time was my best friend.Guess thats what I get for thinkin.I ran off and left the boys with a friend because my mother wouldn't keep them for me, I was running from hot checks that time and was gone for a year. God!!! this is hard, but I know I have to do this...this...this THING (I thought was a friend) molested both of my boys!!!But they were scared to tell me untill the man had already died and then I could do nothing about it.This devistated me ...knowing what I had went through when I was molested and still go through today. It took me a long time to even be able to be in the same space with anyone in a security or police uniform ( my step dad worked for security and was buddies with all the local police at the time)I would get knots that would almost double me over when anyone came around me in a uniform and if they touched me I would black out and become violent. So I would lay in bed at night and think of what I had done to my poor boys by leaving them with this evil evil person, that could even think of doing something like that to a child.I still think about it all the time, and I wonder why they waited so long to tell me that this had happened? Because of what I had went through as a young girl ...I taught my boys...unknowingly...to have no respect for athority...my boys would pick up on things I would say...the disrespect I had for the police and security and anyone who even thought about being one of them.I LOVE my boys with all of my heart and soul...I know it doesen't sound like it from reading this story though. I was always poor and just got poorer with time so I never gave them material things.I married again...this is when the bad got even worse.I loved the man I married this time! My boys watched him beat me every day...some times two or three times a day...if I didn't cook dinner like he said to cook it...if I layed in bed because I didn't feel good...if I was gone to the store to long ...anything...he tried to run over me with a truck twice and they were with me then too...my eyes were always black...I had hypre extended limbs...broken bones...he always tried to put my eyes out by gouging them with his thumbs when he was beating me.I wouldn't leave him...I was afraid to...he threatened to hurt or kill my family members if I did so...and I knew he would carry out those threats. My brother tried to defend me once when he blacked both my eyes and he got stabbed by him...then things got even worse...in Paola Kansas in 1988 he stabbed two men for asking to use our phone to make a long distance call...one dies in my dining room...the boys saw everything...there was blood all over the dining room floor...my husband had just stabbed to death a man in my dining room...I was in a silent panic...didn't know what to do...there was blood everywhere...the man tried to talk before he died...he told my youngst son "I LOVE YA MAN" and jerked like animals do when they are slaughtered... I made my boys go to there rooms while my husband hurridly gathered his things to leave and told me to clean up the blood he went in and got my oldest son and asked him to go back to oklahoma with him... I can't do this. I can't do it...I'm sorry!!!

Hey Ravenz...it's OK! It really is OK! Your story is no worse than anyone elses here, just different and it hurts you more because you lived it. It is good to let it all out so when you are ready, finish it and then forget it. I know that may be hard for you to do, but the Lord says that all of our sins are cast into the sea of forgetfulness. We never have to dredge them up again. These are our testimonies. These are the stories that glorify God because it was Him that brought us through. It is only because of His love for us that we survived and He will continue to bring us through. So know this, you are loved...I love you...God loves you and everyone here at PTO loves you. There is no guilt. There is no shame and there is no judgement. God bless you honey and don't let the devil keep you down. He will try to make you feel guilty and ashamed. God does not do that. He is all forgiving and all merciful. So stick with the good guys, the guys in white, the angels sent to protect you and you will be just fine...I guarantee it!! Now, :) for me please??

ok...I'm back, I had to go out on the porch and do some major deep breathing, but I think I can finish now.

My son Joey went back to oklahoma with my husband and returned when my mother came to try to help me, everything was so unclear after that to me, I had to Pull Heath out of school as the children were being to verbally abusive to him over what his step father had done, I wanted to have my mother take me and the boys back home, but under the cercumstances they wouldn't allow me to leave....my husband was on the run...he did end up turning himself in in oklahoma somewhere and they brought him back to paola kansas for trial eventually.My father called the athorities to try and see if they would let him come and get me and my children but they wouldn't as they said they were still not sure if I was going to be charged for cleaning up all the blood before they arrived...or trying to anyways...there was no way I could get it all up and would gag and puke trying...the family of the man that died kept driving by the house late at night reving there ingens shouting threats and we were scared to death. when they brought my husband back to where he needed to be I moved there...it was the next town over and stayed in a motel with the boys...walked back and forth to the jail to see him...to this day I don't know why...I should have never went and seen him at all and let my youngest son Heath testify against him...because he knew that his step dad was going to kill someone ...because he saw his step dad pull and open his knife and put it back in his pocket before it happened...my son was so bitter twards me for not letting him testify and still is to this day...but what he doesen't realize is that I was only trying to protect him because if I had let him testify against his step dad...when and if he got out of jail he would have come after and killed my son for it, I didn't know what else to do.I was wrong, I by not letting Heath to testify allowed my husband to get away with pre meditated murder and someone lost their son who I know was loved very much, I ached inside for this and still do and my husband got 6 months in county jail I believe it was...I can't remember...he got out...we came back to oklahoma and our house was burned to the ground a month later, he and I finally got a divorce...the violence never stoped with him and I right up to the time we got a divorce...I left the state and to this day have never seen the man again, I know last I knew he was on probation and took off, didn't ever contact his probation officer and moved somewhere close to Smithville Tennesee, I moved to Texas with my boys and family, got a good job and thought I was setteling down and comming back down to earth...I met a wonderful man, remarried, then my boys committed the crime of aggrevated robery...took it to jury trial...I just couldn't believe the things I was hearing when I sat in the room when that was going on...DA's can be so crule and cold twards the offenders family to try and use it against them and make them break down.The time was 5-99 years for the both of them, Heath got 10 years and Joey got 12, I moved back to oklahoma not to long ago to be close to my grandchildren, I had my drivers licens taken away because I am going blind, found out I had cancer, had two surgeries in a months time to remove it from my body...they say they got it all thank goodness. I hope it doesen't come back. I haven't seen my boys in quite a while and hopefully will still be able to see them when I do get to see them. I write to them both all the time. Heath comes up for parole next year, I hope he gets it and gets to come home.I miss him so much. Joey still has a few years left before he even comes up for parole.this is so jumbled...but most of my life I can't remember, I don't know why, before I was molested I don't remember anything about my life and I try so much...it just won't come to me.Maybe I will some day and I can tell my WHOLE life story. But for now this is all I remember.

I'm so glad you came back and finished! I have a lot of blank spots in my life too. I was also molested by an uncle when I was about 10 and it went on for about a year. I was also in a very abusive relationship. My ex husband held a shot gun to my head once and I felt like...go ahead, it's better than living like this. I must say to have witnessed a murder though and for your children to see it too! No wonder they are having problems. But then again, what is normalcy these days?? What was normal for us growing up is now child abuse and a dysfunctinal family. Thank God I found Him!! Through Jesus Christ I am saved for eternity and will spend it in a beautiful place with streets of gold in a mansion He is preparing for me!! With God I have peace and tranquility. Take care Dannette and God bless. I pray for you, your sons, your grandchildren and your health.

Lots of love,
freedom

Dannett,

All that I want to say for now is thank you for sharing with us and Welcome to PTO. I know that you will find support and understanding here!

Your story really touched me. All I can say is I am sorry that you have had so many terrible experiences. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Welcome to PTO.

Joy Roy

DANETTE:

MAY THE GOOD LORD HOLD YOU IN HIS ARMS AND TELL YOU HOW MUCH HE LOVES YOU AND THAT YOU ARE HIS CHILD. SOMETIMES I WONDER WHY THINGS HAPPEN AS THEY DO, BUT I REALLY DO PUT MY TRUST IN GOD AND HE HAS NEVER LET ME DOWN. I HOPE HE DOES THE SAME WITH YOU.

MY PRAYERS

DONNA

Danette,

All I can say is Welcome to PTO and God Bless You

Val

>>>when I was 10-11 years old I was molested by my step father, it devistated me<<<

How many times has this story been told? How many times has it been said about being in abusive relationships? How many times have it been said, that the abuse was less then the fear of leaving? How many felt they deserved the abuse?

Ravenz, your life has been hellish, to say the least! I have never read such articulation of cause and effect. What I said earlier today in another forum, has more meaning to me now, then when I posted it.

This is indeed, a rare view of what can and does happen and may not be the exstreme as one might think.

Revenz, I hope you breath a bit easier now! I hope, your history will open the eye's of those that have done such crimes against the female gender, to realize what effect they have or could have, caused.

I'm starting to believe that this side of rehab is lacking. The rehab I know about, deals with the perpetrator and the cause and effects of there history, rarely with the possible cause and effect of there individual, action(s) against one person, but in general, to the whole female gender.

Ravenz, I don't know what to say...I thought I had gone through hell on earth, until I read your story..I still have tears running down my face. I was also molested, by my stepfather, when I was eleven..I had a loaded pistol put in my mouth by my first husband, and I turned right around and got involved with another abusive man, who beat me while I was pregnant...I thought life could not get any worse, or any better, but it has gotten so much better...there's a saying that I never forget "When I knew better, I did better." Your life's circumstances are not your fault...you were (and still are) doing the best you could with what you had at the time..all my love and hope goes out to you...please keep in touch

I'm sorry for all of your suffering. We all have to take it one day at a time. God and PTO are the only reasons I've been able to keep my sanity. God bless you and your family.

Dannette,
i was so touched by your story that it brought tears to my eyes. i do not tell many people this, i myself was mosleted for years by my dad, he alwasy blamed me for what happen till this day he still does. I am also a counsleor, yet like many, that still does not help heal my wounds, i went to cousnling for many years, which helped, we dont alwasy get closure as we wish, so we have to learn to deal with the pain our self, sometimes when we are in a sistuation such as ours, we do tend to block out alot of our childhood memory or our lives. i myself do not rember alot of my chilhood. every one once in a while some one will bring up what somethins that happen, and i can rember, other wise i dont. that is a normal.
my heart goes out to you and your family, if you ever want to talk, please feel free to email me anytime.

lulu

thank you all for being so supportive, I will definatly be emailing you soon lulu and thanks! I have been told many time by my boys especally that I should seek help in learning to deal or let go of this. To this day I have had no professional counceling and have learned to deal with it on my own, but things have happened that have brought all this to the surface again and I am having alot of trouble dealing with it...the 16 year old boy that lived above me hung and killed himself in his bedroom 2 weeks after I had my surgery in August, He hung himself with a mesh belt...my husband had to cut him down and although I knew he was already gone (hus face was blue and tongue swollen) for his mothers sake (who was screaming at me to do something in a blood curteling voice) ...I started CPR...I could only think of what I would do if it were one of mine...the police didn't arrive for about 15 minutes after 911 was called. I was tired...hurting inside and out for doing CPR that long crying in between breaths with this young mans mother...then when the police got there they told me to continue with what I was doing untill the ambulance arrived...that was another 5 minutes.

ya know this is the first time I have shared this with anyone other than my imediate family, it does feel good to get it out

There is a since of relief when a bunch of people that at least, try to understand, if not identify. This concept that Fed-X came up with, sure has brought a lot of people together!

Ravenz, First hun let me tell you that you are loved not only by your own family but by all here. I have been through pretty much the same as you, except my daughter never lived with me and my first husband never killed anyone,unless you concider beating your wife to a bloody pulp and cuasing her to lose a baby. I am also a rape/molest survivor. I am also a grateful alcoholic and addict. I haven't used drugs since 6-2-01. As for not remebering things that is very common for us drug addicts and alcoholics,and it is also very common for survivors to lose track of thier childhood. I can't remeber anything from the age 5-10. I finally remembered who molseted me abut 11 months ago. I have been through counseling and they have all told me the same thing that in time I might remember, but I don't want to cuz I am afraid that it would cause me to relapse. So I put my trust in God to help me remain sane. They say God never gives more than you can handle. Take Care and give yourself a big hug. And here is hug to you from me.

Dannette, Thank you for telling your story and I do hope you feel a little better for doing so.

Danette- i know it took a lot of courage to write what you wrote, and i want you to know that we appreciate that. You have been thorugh more than any human being should ever have to go through, but you have endured and come out on top. I don't know if you are a believer but if you are hand this over to God and let him help you find peace. We are here for you and thanks for joining our PTO family.

there is no doubt in my mind that there are many of you out there that have stories like mine. I just hope you can release the pain and anger and not keep it all bottled up inside like I have for so many years. I do know by doing so it has effected my physical health today...besides all the physical abuse in the past effecting my physical health today. I do know what I lived through, with my abusive ex husband was a cycle that had to be broken...but through the years part of that cycle has remained with me...the night mares...the hurt inside...and it's way past time this cycle be broken! I do intend to seek professional help before I explode...my appointment isn't untill the 28th of this month...in the mean time I hope you all don't get tired of me venting here? It most certainly helped to talk about all this.

My Dearest Dannette, Welcome to PTO.....

I personal know how goes it feels to unload..............Know that we are here for you.

We got you Dannette.

Vent away Dannette!! It's a very healthy thing and as you can see, the outpouring of love here at PTO is nothing short of amazing!! So glad you are seeing a counselor on the 28th. I will keep you in prayer and ask God to help with your healing...quickly!!

thank you all

I was molested at 10 by my aunt's first husband,raped at 14 by the man that lived accross the street from us and repeatedly raped by my first husband. I just want to tell you,
Ravenz, you are not alone. getting professional counseling
helped me a lot to get over the fear, flash backs and nightmares. Thank you for sharing
Nancy (nanuu)