Okay..i was told once before that i need to give my Matthew tough love,and i've read it in a few posts on here..but what exactly does "tough love" consist of?! He's doing okay with the drug addiction now that he is incarcerated but he's so afraid that when he gets out he'll go back to it and hurt me all over again. He knows he has a problem and wants to change,but it's kind of hard to get any help inside. He asked about the NA meetings and AA meetings,but they wont give them to him. Which is beyond me. Someone,anyone,give me your advice on tough love,and how to go about it! Thanks..

~*MatthewsBabyGirl*~

Well - in my opinion anyway - tough love is really only necessary when they relapse and are using again. It's pretty much just what you'd think... don't cover up for him when he messes up or gets into trouble, don't enable him by giving him money to support his habit or cover his debts, steel yourself and be as neutral and unemotional as possible when there's drama no matter how much you feel like crying and begging and pleading... you get the picture. Someone else will (hopefully) come along with a better explanation but stuff like that's the general basics...

Hi xWickeDreamsx-
good question!

LysbethToo i think you are right-on, in your reply!

Depending on the situation, for example, if he relapses often...even, when he is clean, enabling is not helpful...meaning, letting the addict deal with all of life on life's terms....making his own calls, setting up meetings 12-step, keeping up with his responsibilities, such as p.o., bills, drivers liscence, etc., not getting too involved with his 12-step program, let him go to his sponsor...

pm, me anytime, i have so much experience on both sides=i am an addict and the mate of one, as well as being a caretaker, over-responsible, etc. in all parts of my life..i would love to talk to you more about all this...i have learned a lot from making many mistakes...

but, of course, you can still be loving, supportive, understanding, empathetic, encouraging, helpful...etc. it is all about balance, and boundaries, and each of you owning your own stuff...blah, blah, blah, blah...=}, but, it works!

hope to talk to you soon-
francis

From a mom. This upsets me to no end when they won't give the classes to help but it is what it is. I would suggest you could find books there are so many right now that he could read stories true stories of those who have recovered in or out of prison to beat their addictions. I have a couple of titles I have sent my son he said they were good and helpful if you would like I can give the titles to you but of course time will tell. Tough Love is telling him you will NOT support his going back to using under any circumstances peroid. When he says I don't know if I can make it tell him that you will not be there to watch any more destruction. He has plenty of time to prepare himself for getting out he has plenty of time to find the things he has to do and you will support that and love him through that. Trust me I know how hard it is for you to do. I hope he is willing to try to read some books at least as a start.

WSF

James and I have discussed this in great detail and we never stop discussing it so that we are always on the same page and if I have to bring out the tough love guns he knows its going to happen big time. It comes out before he relapses, when I see the signs of him weakening, even if they are faint signs and even if he claims he is not craving, I bring out the pre-tough love on guard approach. Though Ive been blindsided before I dont think he can now, I know him too well and he cant even get a really well planned lie past me. One thing we both agree on is that I control every cent and he always has just under 20 bucks in his pocket, never more and he has to account for everything. Even in prison he does cause I know there are drugs there. He sends me his account statement every month and his store receipts. I was trying to teach him how to run his own budget on MS money just before he was arrested, he is not very comfortable with even turning on a computer, but we always have the future. Learning to budget is pretty important to a person in recovery.
Ive had everything thrown at me by him when he has relapsed, from guilt trips to tears to some massive unbelievable story, to 'I knew it, you dont love me'. Im sure lots of us know all those stories and lies and headtrips. But I stick to my guns and I just ignore all that (even if inside it hurts to see him that way) cause I know its the drugs talking, mostly the cravings and 'the need' talking. I put up a wall really cause I have to protect myself and my son.
I can tell you that tough love and not enabling even an inch is the best way to show your love and to help them, even if they see you as being cruel, other than that they are on their own really until they decide they need help.
I've often though how much harder it must be for a parent. With James, I made a choice to love him and stick by him with his disease and its may not be as hard for me since I understand the disease since I have it too, but I wonder how much harder it must be when you dont have a choice and its your son or daughter. I have a son and I pray to God he never becomes an addict because I cant imagine how heavy my heart would be.
Be strong,

These are all great responses!
I know that when Robert was using before he went back to prison, I was a MAJOR enabler. I was afraid to be hard on him cuz I had all sorts of crazy thoughts going through my head: "If I DON'T believe him, he will get mad and leave". "If I DON'T over look "this" we will end up getting into a fight and he will leave and die on the street". "If I just pretend this one time didn't happen, I know it won't happen again". ETC.
I let him live here with me even after finding out he was using drugs. I will NEVER AGAIN do that.
He has been home a little over a month now, and he is clean. I know this cuz I memorized his behavior from the last time. I know how he acts, talks, and thinks when he is using. Like Witchlin said, I don't think he could get a lie past me now.
To me, tough love means not sitting around pretending that he isn't using. It means that I will never cover up for him. It means I will never accept something he says as truth when deep down I know it is a lie. It means making him take responsibility for his own actions- his own life.
Tough love ain't easy- but when u love someone-u do what you have to do.