Posing a question to the marrieds. (anyone can and will play along I'm sure)...

If you were married before the arrest that became that sentence....

What would you say are the best and worse parts of running your marriage by remote?


If you were married since the sentence....

What are the best and worse parts of running your marriage by remote?

If you had one piece of advice for the unmarrieds here, what would it be?

--Please preface your answer with.... Married before (years since if you'd like).. or married since (years he was in before, and how long you've been married...please.. it'll help passers-by to get some sense of what your experience with this is... Thanks..

Good thread... I'm not married, but I'm looking forward to seeing the responses. Especially the advice for the unmarrieds!

It is a good question. I'm eagerly awaiting the responses. Especially now that I have 26 days to married life.

C'mon married lifers -- let's get some action in here!! Please guide us with your experience...

Married since.......We got married the 16th of Jan.'04.
Kendall has been in for 15 years, and next parole hearing is '06, so we aren't sure when he will be coming home. Kendall and I grew up together, and went our separate ways. I heard about his "mistake" and always tried to keep up with where he was at. I would ask his mom about him when I would see her, then after 14 years, I wrote to him, and the rest is history. Kendall and I have always been able to talk about anything and everything, falling in love with him wasn't too hard......I think I had always loved him.
I do miss not having him around, and not really knowing for sure when or if he will come home, but my love for him, is something that happens once in a lifetime, and if this is all that we will have, it will be enough. He is my heart and soul.......
Good Luck Ladies.........stay strong.................Kim

did you get marrie while he was in jail? if so how did you do that?

Yes, Kendall and I got married while he is in.
In Oklahoma they required counseling now, 6 weeks before.
They set the date, no camera's, Just us and the chaplain. Check prison weddings in Oklahoma, and it will tell you a little more about our's , but I think each state have a wedding site now.
PM me if I can be of any help.
Kim

I was married to him before the conviction. The worse part is his sentence. Not lifer. Death row. I was prepared for 40 years. That was what he should have got. Not guilty of any murder just part of a stupid deal that went terribly wrong. Well the sentence was awful. Now he is an idiot to me sometimes. Sides with all the inmates on how they can con women out of money. Sickens me! His temper is awful. Does not care what I go through. The best part is he is my husband. And for now he is alive and healthy. As for those who want to marry make sure you know him very well. And make sure he is not interested in other women. I don't care about excuses about other women. I go through too much crap to be playing second fiddle. I am his wife. That's sacred to me.

Hello everyone.. at the lifers forum.. just came back.. from falling off the face of the earth!! hello.. life.. well lets see.. no i have not married him before, and right now i feel grateful for that.. and i had plans for the future when he is transferred to a minimum.. but we are just getting over another "mini break up

missed you all just needed some time to re coup.. so to speak.. after the last one he put me through..

Thanks for still being here

DOnna

I had posted on here and forgot I had. As for marriage it can be done. But its hard. I am very happy to married.....through all of it. I was angry before. Now things have settled down. Due to a husband who wanted to stay married. I had never planned on quiting. And I told him so. For us God was the answer. He accepted his role as the husband & father that he is. Long distance romances do not work in my opinion. You have to stay focused. Be prepared to work! Marriage is hard enough without incarceration. And don't let others interfere. Kick all women to the curb. A marriage cannot survive with others who have no respect for your marriage. Good luck! It's lots of work! Not for the faint of heart! :)

I married Rodney 7 1/2 yrs. after he was sentenced. He has an indefinite sentence (L-tail) And he's not scheduled to go before the PB til 8/2007. So, we knew each other before he got locked up and we fell deeper & deeper in love as the yrs went by. All I know is that he was my best friend 1st. He & I shared everything. TRUST, Honesty, Respect, Sharing, Dedication, Patience, Supportiveness, FAITH, & Thoughtfulness (all of these are imperative to survive as a couple.) You two must become ONE. And foresake all others. You should know exactly what you expect from each other. I'm very committed to my husband and he is to me. Marriage is very sacred. And we both gave it serious thought. We actually wrote up our vows 6/22/00. And signed it with both our mother's as witnesses. I framed it : ) But according to the law our marriage was official on May 20, 2002. Well, that's our story.

Mr. is considered a lifer.. in his 18th year of a 20-50 year sentence, first parole date is 2005. We "met" about 6 years ago, married in August 2000.

What are the best and worse parts of running your marriage by remote?

I really can't think of many best parts... I think not being together helps us learn more about each other without the intimacy being involved. I have learned to be more independent and stand up for myself.

The worst part are being alone and lonely... I spent a lot of nights early in our marriage crying myself to sleep.. I think my wedding night has been the worst night of my life. I cried all 200 miles home and cried myself to sleep when I arrived home.

Other things that are hard to deal with is not having him HERE when I want him or NEED him. The extra expenses his incarceration costs... visits, money for him, phone bill, etc. Missing out on "couple" events or going to events and seeing other couples.. wishing it were US. Having to do without some things because the money goes for the extra costs of our relationship... I retired from state service in 2002. I work part time now, but I wouldn't have to work at all if he weren't in prison.

If you had one piece of advice for the unmarrieds here, what would it be?

If its just ONE piece of advice I'd have to say make sure you protect your assets before you marry any man in prison... especially if you met after his incarceration. In my heart and soul I know that my husband will never leave me... but in my head I made sure to take steps to protect what is mine.

mrs

THank you .. msdragon.. your message..First you need to find out if the other party is really sincere.. I am in a situation , that is still so in the "beginning stages" of even accepting the LIfe w/o sentence even though it has been 5 years into it.. it is just so hard.. i don't know if i can make that kind of committment.. (marriage) however i do feel i can be there for life!! if you know what i mean..:))

Donna

Everyone has to do whats best for them... I'm sure that if I my husband did not have a chance of comming home, I would live my life differently. I definitely would not sacrifice my life long dream of moving down south. He would have to deal with less visits.

I love my husband unconditionally... I have put my life on hold for him. I will only do it once and he knows it. Once he is paroled he knows he needs to to what it takes to avoid violating his parole... some times things happen beyond control and I would definitely put that into consideration, but if he ends up back in prison due to actions that were deliberate.... he will go back alone.

Maybe that sounds harsh, but I'm 55 years old... I worked hard to assure a happy, active retirement, I won't give that up for anyone! My husband was fully aware of my feelings on this before we were married - I don't "stress" over it though.. after 18 years in prison he only wants to come home and live peacefully.

mrs

Mrs. My thinking is like your to protect my assets first. Just how did you do this? What type of document did you have? A prenup?

I had him sign a prenup, but those aren't always safe either. I had a will drawn up and was very specific as to who gets what between my husband and my three daughters.. And I was specific about what anyone can do with the real estate.. for example, my husband can live in the house, but if he moves out he has to sell it and split the profit with my daughters.

Mr. thought what I did was great... and it did make my girls relax a little knowing that Mom isn't letting any man take advantage! And you have to be sure you have an attorney draw things like this up... every state has different laws and you want to make sure that your wishes conform with the laws.

mrs

Married since 1994 (in there) and it has been a long ten years! My husband has 15-life and has done 20 (almost 21).
The love that a woman has for an inmate is unmatchable, we ladies have such dedication and loyalty, we are a rare breed! None the less, we ladies are also human!!! I have spent many, many nights crying myself to sleep from the lonliness like MrsDragon as well as the frustrations of the system and the costs put out to keep this marriage afloat. My wedding night was also a depressing one...not being able to consumate the marriage and spend some quiet time as a couple until 3 months later was really hard to swallow.

There are up sides to loving an inmate, very few, sadly. The one thing that keeps us going is appreciating the small things and the little time we do get together and, in my case, knowing that his time is almost up and he will come home to me soon.

My advice would be to know who you're dealing with and really think through the sacrifices you will have to make in comparison to a "normal" relationship. Understand that you will indeed be married but you will also be on your own throughout the process. You need to be able to sacrifice things like: Christmas dinner at mom's house for a vending machine specialty at visiting, same with Thanksgiving, or watching the couples that you know go here & there and do this & that and you can't and don't know if you ever will-if at all, spending hours on end in your car for an 8-hr. visit plus hotels, gas, and visiting costs, delivering your child on your own with only family members at your side and then having your child grow up every single weekend in a visiting room.........THE LIST GOES ON. If one is strong and works at it, it can happen and you will eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel.

GOOD LUCK! Hope this helped!

My husband and I got married while he was out on bail in between the arrest and his sentencing. We had been together for 2 years prior to gettiing married. MrsDragon is right - protect your assets prior to getting married to anyone, incarcerated or otherwise. Whenever there is a big gap in earnings between partners, as with me and my husband, there needs to be a legal understanding of who gets what - just in case. I know it takes the romance out of it, but I worked very hard to accumulate what I have. My husband understands that, and willingly signed a FAIR prenup...

For me - running a marriage by remote isn't too difficult, logistically. I keep appriased of his movements in the system, and I advocate for him out here with the powers that be. It helps me to stay engaged in his life, and gives him great comfort to know that someone out here KNOWS where he is every minute of the day - and that his interests are being looked after by a knowledgable, tenacious - "won't take no for an answer" powerhouse.

The hard part is being without his BODY here. I have a huge house that needs a lot of care, and I am used to him helping me. From the day I met him, I never needed to pump my own gas, service or wash the cars, take out the trash, clean out the garage, direct the gardeners, trim the trees, paint the trim, etc.... I CAN do all that stuff, I just liked that he did the man stuff. His brothers and friends help me out when they can, but it isn't the same.

And of course the feeling of half of my body being cleaved off has been hard to deal with. I miss him, his smell, his snoring, his arms around me after a rough day, his undying passion for me, and his weight and breath close to me during intimate moments.

There will be an end to all of this, and he will come home, and we will pick up where we left off, and we will get back our happy home.