It's been 1 1/2 years since I've been active in this forum - I'm very glad to find you're not only still here, but bigger and better than ever. My fiance is a long timer. We've been together for almost 3 years now, - he's been down for 12 years and has 11 1/2 more to go. 7 months ago, he was transferred from Monroe, WA, which is 35 mins. away from my home, to Clallam Bay, WA, medium custody, which is 4 1/2 hours away, , so our visits have gone from 3 times a week to once a month and, although I know I'm blessed to have visitation, the transition is so incredibly difficult. I just got back a few hours ago - we had an incredibly close and loving visit and when I left the prison, I felt like I was just been ripped away from him again and my heart in going through major withdrawals. I can't seem to stop crying. I've found that I'm feeling stuck between an rock and a hard place. We have worked, and still do work, at keeping our relationship open, honest loving and supportive. To stay in that place means I need to be open and in touch with all my feelings, which was fine when we saw each other regularly. However, I'm finding that since we're together so little now, that in order for me to function in a pretty happy, balanced-feeling life alone without him for long periods of time, I build up a wall against feeling too much, as I'm a basket case when I'm open and vulnerable like I am tonight. I don't want to shut down as it's difficult to just drop the wall and be close and connected with him when we do get together. After our weekend visit, the wall has come down, but then I'm the mess that I am tonight. So either I'm "just fine" and dealing with it all with little emotion for most of the month, or I'm just about incapacitated from the pain of getting so connected with him again when we visit and then leaving him behind for another month. I talked this over with Niko, (my fiance) and he suggested that I reach out to you again for support. He's absolutely right - I'm hoping some of you know what I'm talking about here and can share how they have found ways to do this more gracefully than I. This is just so painful and 11 1/2 years looks so huge to me right now. I just want to be with this wonderful man and I can't be. So, I'm pretty sure I'm in the right place again, especially with the long timers. Sorry for the long ramble, but I really needed to talk. Thanks for being here and listening to me vent. There's just no one else who really gets this stuff. Lise

geezz thats a toughy...i feel so bad for you. i know what you mean when those visits end, i dont know where your from or what crime he commited, but here in michigan, they are calling back alot of parole violators dependimg on the crime, so keep your head up, it might not be as long as you think...ill be praying for you and all the other girls.im new here and i feel at piece talking because everyone understands what were going threw, when our own families dont.hang in there...dont give up!

Lise, I found your choice of words interesting. You said "I'm hoping some of you know what I'm talking about here and can share how they have found ways to do this more gracefully than I." Personally I think that standing by an incarcerated loved one is the ultimate in grace. To love someone unconditionally who has made mistakes and has been essentially thrown away by society and to be able to live your life day to day without the person who you rely on for love, affection and happiness is amazing. A relationships with someone in prison is hard and like I have said before, you are entitled to have sad days, angry days and any other kind of day.

I do understand what it's like to visit and feel like someone just punched you in the stomach when you have to leave him in there. The worst is the long drive home when you go from being so happy to have spent time with him to missing him more than ever.

Know that better days are ahead.

MrsP.. I have to agree with what you said... I know that punched in the stomach feeling very well... There are times Lise that no matter how often you do or do not get to see your loved one, it feels the same when you have to leave. It is a hard road at times, it is not easy to have all the emotions that we have, for as long periods as we are going to have them for, but we have chosen to stand by the one we love, or family incarcerated, and these up and down times will happen again and again, until the day comes that we wont have to leave without the person that means so much to us. I know all about the building of the walls, and the emptyness you feel at times, I have been there, and it is a horrible feeling. However, each and every time I see my man, it is a wonderful and bright sunny day! Like MrsP said, you are entitled to have the sad days, angry days... we all have them, and it is much easier to get through them when you have others whom understand. It is very difficult knowing that for years into the future, my life will be the way it has to be due to my mans incarceration, but it is my choice to stand by him, in the good times, and the bad.... and so I have learned to accept all the diffrent feelings and emotions that come with doing so, simply because having him NOT in my life, is not an option..... Yes, there are better days ahead, and yes, there are I am sure even going to be some that are worse... however, if you ever need to talk, we are here, and we DO UNDERSTAND! Feel free to message me ANYTIME you need to talk.....

Lise,

First of all - WELCOME BACK!!! It is good to see you here again and don't leave us for so long the next time...

I only get to see my Partner every three or four months because of the distance - 1800 miles round trip. This is really tough and it is never easy.

The only way that I have found to have this distance and time between us and survive it is to have telephone conversations and letters that are of substance... what I mean is that he is involved in everything in my life - we discuss everything and keep a focus on our lives as though we were together daily... I depend on him to be involved in my decisions. I depend on his advice and words of wisdom before I act on something. I keep him part of my life because it is too easy sometimes to not consider him because he is not here.

Once a month is better than once a quarter ( no sarcasm here...) but it would still be hard to only have once a month - I know where you are coming from.

You have to find a balance in your life that includes him but does not exclude you from having a life without him. Difficult but possible...

Thank you all for your responses - they just brought me to tears again, but that's good, as I've needed to get this out of me for a while now. Everything you've shared here is so true - I've thought and said the same in the past, however I needed to be reminded of them myself. Thank you for reaching out to me and being the voices I needed to hear. This relationship is the most amazing I've ever been blessed with - Niko and I do share everything with each other - support, finanacial decisions, how we do life together/apart through phone calls and letters and I've never had this kind of close sharing with a man in my past. I've never had a partner who is so willing to do the work necessary to keep our relationship close, healthy and growing, and yes, you're right - I can feel whatever I need to when I need to about not being able to share more time and life with him, along with all the joy I feel when we are together. These relationships we have are filled with grace, love and acceptance, along with all of the other feelings. What I've needed to do is find a safe place to share my feelings and this is it. I truly appreciate you being here for me this morning and always - you are all a blessing to me today. I just had a wonderful conversation with Niko this a.m., so I'm feeling very loved all around, even with the tears....

I agree that this life is in many ways "the ultimate in grace" as MrsP said. Everyone here expressed so well the whole mix of joy,beauty and pain that goes with it. Welcome back, you are among friends.

Just wanted to let you know that I am sending positive thoughts your way. There is nothing that I could possibly add to what has already been said by the wise women who posted in front of me. However, I would say that when I feel overwhelmed by sadness because of the separation, I just remind myself how sad my life would be without him in it, and it takes the edge off a little bit. I am sending you hugs--and I know we are all here whenever you need to talk.

I know exactly how you feel Lise, been going through the same thing myself. Is there any chance he can put in for a transfer? You sound like you are doing better that I did, I just sat and stared for days, couldn't believe he was gone. I find I worry about him more now too. I know he's a big boy and he knows what he's doing :) but seeing him every week just seemed to ease my mind that he was ok. I'm glad you received your phone call!

Thanks for your email - it's so helpful to hear "I know exactly how you feel" - that's just not something I hear from others who are not in this situation. I think part of my reaction during this visit is due to the fact that his review just came up and we had been working on getting him transferred for a couple of months now. His "counselor" - a term that certainly hasn't applied to this person - made her decision a week before his review that he was going to stay Clallam for at least another year because he hasn't been there long enough. That's the only reason she gave, as he's got a squeeky clean record, so there are no infractions, etc. as reasons to keep him up there. We had both written to the CUS in Clallam and the superintendent prior to his review and had received a letter back saying he was elegible for transfer and could state his reasons for a transfer at the time of his review and our letters would be introduced to the board review for consideration. So it was a shock to find his counselor had made the decision a week prior, without listening to any reasons of his, and that everyone had already signed off on it. Both of us were hit pretty hard and this was our first visit since his review. He won't be able to put in for a transer again for another year. We've been through this before when he got transferred to Clallam, but it doesn't make it any easier this time. I was still trying to deal with this transfer, let alone the result of his review. Oh well, this goes along with the system and the situation. I just have to have faith in us and accept the rest as part of our path together. Yuck!

Hi Lise!

Don't you just love the WA DOC? My Travis is in Washington and did about a year at Clallam. He got in a lot of trouble and they put an institutional keep separate, or whatever it's called, on him, so he won't be going back there again, thank god. Talk about way out in the boonies! Now he's in Walla Walla, which is about four hours away from me. It's so hard making that long, lonely drive by myself.... but it's worth it. Many a time have I had a breakdown on my way out of Walla Walla and start crying as soon as I see the prison walls disappear from my rear view mirror.

Anyway, when Trav was in Clallam, he went through a lot of counselors... so maybe your guy will get lucky and get another counselor assigned to him that he can talk into getting a transfer. In the meantime, keep your head up. It's hard sometimes, but in the end, it's worth it!

Be well,
Heather

Waiting another year for a transfer seems pretty harsh. It's things like this that make you afraid to even get your hopes up about anything. But we have to keep moving on and we can't stay miserable forever (my kids might argue with that!)We are going to be starting the transfer process this month and I find myself thinking it will just happen because I want it to, so your post was actually a good wake up call for me to keep the realization in my mind that it might not happen. I can deal with anything as long as my husband is ok. You can too Lise, I can tell. Remain in adamantine fortitude.
NY

It is just so much of a relief to hear people such as you relating to what I'm sharing. This is the second time I've been through the ringer with trying to get a transfer either stopped or started and I also thought that through shear persistance and believing that the outcome would be what I hoped for, it would occur. I know better than this - that this is really out of my control, I can only do my best and then I have to let go of the outcome or any expectations. However, it's a fine line between hope and expectation and I'm trying my best to try and stay out of the expectation, which is such a let down and sets me up for resentment when it doesn't work out, and hope, which is where I'm not trying to control the outcome, but can still feel disappointed or happy with the outcome, whatever it is. The prison system can suck so much hope out of us and I know how hard it is to keep our hopes and dreams alive. And you're right - I can deal with just about anything as long as I know he's O.K. I wish you the best with your husband's transfer - let me know how it goes, O.K.? Thank you for your support - I'm beginning to feel like I can breath again!

My friend is finishing up 13 years this Dec. And believe me time runs slow.But his time will end. Don't spend too much time dwelling on the fact that there are bars and barbed wire between you.Concentrate your energy on the future and being there for him and his sanity. A person definately gets a little crazy inside and it is much harder when you know that your loved one is not coping well.Remember that love is timeless and bound by nothing not even concrete walls and prison guards can change his heart or yours. Blessings. It's been 1 1/2 years since I've been active in this forum - I'm very glad to find you're not only still here, but bigger and better than ever. My fiance is a long timer. We've been together for almost 3 years now, - he's been down for 12 years and has 11 1/2 more to go. 7 months ago, he was transferred from Monroe, WA, which is 35 mins. away from my home, to Clallam Bay, WA, medium custody, which is 4 1/2 hours away, , so our visits have gone from 3 times a week to once a month and, although I know I'm blessed to have visitation, the transition is so incredibly difficult. I just got back a few hours ago - we had an incredibly close and loving visit and when I left the prison, I felt like I was just been ripped away from him again and my heart in going through major withdrawals. I can't seem to stop crying. I've found that I'm feeling stuck between an rock and a hard place. We have worked, and still do work, at keeping our relationship open, honest loving and supportive. To stay in that place means I need to be open and in touch with all my feelings, which was fine when we saw each other regularly. However, I'm finding that since we're together so little now, that in order for me to function in a pretty happy, balanced-feeling life alone without him for long periods of time, I build up a wall against feeling too much, as I'm a basket case when I'm open and vulnerable like I am tonight. I don't want to shut down as it's difficult to just drop the wall and be close and connected with him when we do get together. After our weekend visit, the wall has come down, but then I'm the mess that I am tonight. So either I'm "just fine" and dealing with it all with little emotion for most of the month, or I'm just about incapacitated from the pain of getting so connected with him again when we visit and then leaving him behind for another month. I talked this over with Niko, (my fiance) and he suggested that I reach out to you again for support. He's absolutely right - I'm hoping some of you know what I'm talking about here and can share how they have found ways to do this more gracefully than I. This is just so painful and 11 1/2 years looks so huge to me right now. I just want to be with this wonderful man and I can't be. So, I'm pretty sure I'm in the right place again, especially with the long timers. Sorry for the long ramble, but I really needed to talk. Thanks for being here and listening to me vent. There's just no one else who really gets this stuff. Lise

yeah i feel for u Lise take care and keep your head up im having issues lately feelin down about my man but im gettin by wish you luck take care