Spyda posted a thread asking for suggestions on livening up this forum. I wonder, do you think this forum doesn't see much action because we are all doing life and don't have much to say about it? Is it too depressing to think about and discuss? Are we finding our support in other forums? Is this just an FYI forum and not for "small talk"?


Personally, I'd like to be able to come here and find more support of a personal nature. Ways to cope, personal experiences, issues you have to deal with because of being with a lifer. I think we all need to know we aren't alone in this experience. On some of the other forums it's not always easy to relate. Yes we all have loved ones in prison, but a lifers experience in prison is no doubt very different from an inmate who will go home in a few years or less. What does your loved one say about making a life in prison when doing a life sentence? How do you cope with it? That's things I'd like to read about. Yes this forum is very informative for prison issues, why not use it for some personal issues as well? A place we don't have to sift thru numerous posts to try and find one we can relate to, because they are with a lifer. No we don't have to be tacky about it either, just realistic about the realities of loving someone who is doing life. A place for LIFERS, male or female.

Jglsqueen-
For me, I'm still in shock/denial, I'm not sure how I could categorize it. It's been many years and sometimes I understand the sentence and at other times it's just too depressing to discuss. However, I agree wity you, prisontalk is for support and as lifers we should be able to come together and make the most out of our online opportunity.

I'd also like to come here to find support! It's hard to relate to someone NOT in your situation. I feel that although we all are going through the same thing here it's completely different with a Lifer, the issues, the emotions, and the time they actually do is completely different.

I only hope that we can make a change . . . .:(

I also want to see more postings here, especially relating to how we all deal with our individual lifer situations. As well as some inspiration and ideas for coping, making the best and keeping the faith.

I have not posted (or read often) from this forum.
There are other forums that fit my needs more closely.

I guess mainly because "I do not want to be HERE".
The thought that he MAY be a lifer is something I do not relish.

My situation is slightly different than most of you, I assume.
My guy has done ALL his time but because it was a SO he is waiting to be classified to determine whether he can really come home.
Been waiting since July of 2002 - coming up on two years!

Right now he is "one day to life".
The UNCERTAINTY continues.
We always knew this was a a possibility but I had to NOT think about it until it became reality.

The way I have always dealt with the "LIFE" sentence on me (potentially) is
I have to live my life on the outside as I would with or without him.
I love Aron. We write (not his favorite thing to do) and he calls.
Because of distance and health issues I do not get to visit often.

He keeps himself busy at the prison.
He encourages me to do whatever I want to do - and supports my decisions.

The most stable part of my life is . . .
my relationship with my fiance in prison.

Caitlin, that uncertainty has to be so nerve-wracking for you. Those laws suck... In a way I feel lucky because I knew my pal was facing life when I met him. That makes it a little easier I think. He got 26 to life, so I really don't know if he'll ever get out. We write a lot, visit and just enjoy what we have. He keeps very busy - he started a sports team inside and wants to get a mail-order collleg degree.

Anyway, thanks for coming in here and sharing your story. This is a place where we can all understand and support each other.

I agree we are in a unique situation as loved ones of lifers. My man's projected release date is LIFE, but parole should be coming in 2010. As I'm sure you all know, there are no guarentees. I try to keep him encouraged while going on with my life, raising my kids and trying to start a business so that when he comes out, he won't have to look for work and deal with discrimination from anybody.

It's hard though because I don't tell ANYBODY where he is at. Some people I don't even tell I have a man because I don't want to go through explaining where he is. You know the next question is, "what did he do?" and that ain't pretty either, know what I mean? Only my immediate family and closest friends (2-3) know about him and our plans to marry when he gets out.

It's not an easy life but one that I've chosen.

I hear you Divita about not telling.
To most people I only mention I have a "boyfriend" rather than "FIANCE".

If I call him a fiance the next question is "When are you getting married?"
Not a question I can answer!!

And that leads into all that other explaining I do not care to share with most folks.
:)

Ladies I thank you for your comments. It strikes me that we tend to lead solitary lives. In the sense that we can't share the joy and happiness of our relationships with just anyone we know or meet. If we dare to, it opens us up to ridicule and questions. I get so tired of trying to justify my relationship. Very few people I tell just accept it and are happy for me. Maybe it's my imagination, but I think people look at you differently when they find out the location of your chosen mate. Like they can't trust your judgement and to find out the man is doing Life is worse. Sometimes I feel like it's just me and my man against the world. Why? Just because we happened to fall in love with each other under these circumstances. Maybe the isolation just comes with the terriority? Right now I'm debating on who to tell about my wedding. My family isn't supportive of this relationship so it's hard. I sure am glad to have PTO

I hear ya!!! NO ONE is happy for me when I tell them, and me and him are just good FRIENDS at this point... I can't imagine how they'd rag if I were getting married or something... Thank goodness I got a few close friends who are used to me being.. um, different. They ask "What do want out of it?" and I say "Exactly what I have right now..." That kind of stuns them and stops the criticism.

But I have others who I probably will never tell because I would not want to have to end our friendship over their ignorance and intolerance.

You'd think they'd be happy you found joy and love, regardless of his situation. It's sad...

You're right, that's what PTO is for!!!

jqlsqueen,

You are not imagining it-you are treated differently and discriminated against,make no mistake. It is sad but a reality of the justice system and the culture of fear in this country. One thing I would like to do is start a group/business that helps inmates be re-integrated into society. If we were to have support groups through our churches other organizations, it would help the men and women we love when they come out. Imagine being locked up for 10 or 20+ years and then coming out to be denied basic things in life, ie. housing, jobs, etc. Not even to mention how people look and respond to you.

jglsqueen ~ I especially liked the thread started by Spyda but some how it went all wrong. I think this might be a good place to start with all the lifers talk that we need....to me this experience is very different than being with a man about to be releaseed or waiting for him.

I make it a point not to tell people about where my boyfriend is, a life sentence or not i dont share it cause im not interested in their opinions. It bothers me that people can be SO small minded....i cant make sense of it at all. I dont care how people might respond to me but Im not explaining myself or trying to justify it. I love him like no other and there is notthing that I can do to change it.

I hope we can continue to find support in This Lifers Forum as well as with PTO!

Qwerty:
Madcowgurl: Amen!

Davita: Your ideas sound like good ones. The millions who are incarcerated in this country surely don't get much assistance from society while in or when they come out. Is it any wonder there is a high rate of recidivism?

Hi there jglsqueen, I am bumping this thread up. :) So we can get more action and posts here in the Lifers forum. I think we have many topics that areNOT covered here and there ~ which need to be addressed.

Thanks for starting this thread! =)

my relationship with my "lifer" is about 3 months old; although we've known each other all of our lives...
so i dont know yet how im going to get through this!!!
we write everyday and he calls once a week (15 min phone calls, but he calls me back 100 times!)
i'll share that he is in for murder. he confessed. it was a horrible thing, so not many people understand why or how i can love him. i dont know WHY .. i just do!
if God forgives him, how can I not?!
we both feel that no matter what...even if he NEVER gets out...that we want to be a part of each others lives.
its such a scary thing! but i CHOSE this. i love him with all of my heart, and always have...

UGH!! some days are just SO hard!!!

my heart goes out to all of you, and im so thankful to have stumbled upon this forum.

the love and caring that i see from ya'll just warms my heart.

Spyda posted a thread asking for suggestions on livening up this forum. I wonder, do you think this forum doesn't see much action because we are all doing life and don't have much to say about it? Is it too depressing to think about and discuss? Are we finding our support in other forums? Is this just an FYI forum and not for "small talk"?


Personally, I'd like to be able to come here and find more support of a personal nature. Ways to cope, personal experiences, issues you have to deal with because of being with a lifer. I think we all need to know we aren't alone in this experience. On some of the other forums it's not always easy to relate. Yes we all have loved ones in prison, but a lifers experience in prison is no doubt very different from an inmate who will go home in a few years or less. What does your loved one say about making a life in prison when doing a life sentence? How do you cope with it? That's things I'd like to read about. Yes this forum is very informative for prison issues, why not use it for some personal issues as well? A place we don't have to sift thru numerous posts to try and find one we can relate to, because they are with a lifer. No we don't have to be tacky about it either, just realistic about the realities of loving someone who is doing life. A place for LIFERS, male or female.



Thank you for posting this thread. I agree with you 100%. I too would like to
find support of a more personal nature. I feel the most comfortable
discussing with members that are doing life with lifers. But I really am dealing
with more than that. You ladies have made me feel very comfortable. I get
so sad :( when I see all the coming home threads. Our experiences ARE very different. You want someone who can totally relate. Don't you think that because of our loved ones's sentences its not so clear cut as maybe other situations? I do. I have had, in the past, some advice that I should consider leaving my husband. But the truth be known its simply not that easy to just walk away. That's just an example. Well thanks for this thread. You are saying what some members are feeling. It needed to be said. You go girl! :thumbsup:

I too, find it very hard to read the coming home.. so I DONT:))) forum.. Basically i stay close to this forum. I can't tell you how grateful.. for it being BORN.. thank you lifestothesequal..> how are you?? any way.. yes this is so diffrent... I don't know how to explain it other than.. I have kind of come to terms with .. I am suppose to be in his life, and to love him.. i have made this choice, and i try to take care of myself to the best of my ability's.. I am not IN fairy land..but i have HOPE... If he never gets an appeal .. my best hope and prayers are that he spend .. his sentence in a medium prison.. . but you have to work on that.. (are you girls sensing ) my anger on this one!!

:)) have a great weekend/visits girls/guys!!

Donna xo

All of us in this forum are dealing with a lot of tough inner questions. I also see we all have our own individual struggles... just like drug users or sex offenders have certain issues, deathrow inmates have others, lifers have others. Even here we're alike but different -- some of us are parents or siblings, some are married, others engaged, some like me have a close friendship that falls somewhere in between.

But one thing that unites us here in the lifers forum is we don't look at the coming home posts the same way as the others. Another thing is that we are in an almost impossible situation to comprehend and are with these guys and gals despite what society, our friends and sometimes our own common sense tells us we should do.

Yet, we are here. Like Rosita said... it's not so easy to just walk away...

I havent been online much so I'm just now seeing this thread. I can relate to some of the things you guys are talking about. My fiance is serving 25-Life. He's been in prison for 24 years already (became elgible in 1997). So yes I am grateful that he has a CHANCE to come home...of course he could spend another 20 years or so in there. I dont know what his max out time is (if there is such a thing for Lifers with a indeterminate sentence). I keep praying that some miracle will happen. The more time he spends in there, the harder it gets for me. Like another member posted, I met him while he was in prison (just a little over a year ago) and I knew what Life meant, but didnt know that it would impact my life like this. Our relationship is great! but the more time goes by, I lose faith in a possible date. I feel guilty for thinking negative that way. I feel like its a betrayal to everything we have worked so hard for...

But I'm human I guess...

I certainly do understand how you girls feel though...because even though my fiance has a indeterminate sentence, he could spend another eternity in there...

There are alot of things I go through that no one but another "lifer on the outside" can truely understand. I think that we can all help each other when it comes to certain things, like the way we feel when we are happy for someone because their loved one is coming home but yet sad because it's not our loved one.

Hi everyone, I haven't been here in awhile. Kerrilyn, WELCOME! Please know that you're not alone in wondering how you'll get through this situation we all find ourselves in. I'm sure we've all wondered that very thing at one time or another. Especially after he finally told me his true sentence (LWOP) and I realized it was too late to turn back, I was already deep in love. I get through it, one day at a time. We don't dwell on the fact that my husband has a life sentence (also for murder, I don't think you get true life sentences for much less?)


Live your life, enjoy your relationship for what it is moment by moment.

Duh! I'll get the hang of this reading posts yet. I just noticed the second page of this thread with the additional comments.

I too can only take so many of those "coming home" threads. Of course I'm happy for those fortunate people, but I'm also envious and it just brings home the point that I'll probably never be able to make that particular announcement myself. It's sad. That's why I try to live one day at a time. It's like Rosita says, it's just not that easy to walk away, not for me, not yet, but I'm relatively new to this life and I'm a newlywed still very much in the honeymoon phase.

As "lifers" we definitely have other issues. Hopefully we can keep this forum "alive' and provide the much needed support for each other that we all need. Among people who can relate and not wonder why you would be with a lifer. We wonder that of ourselves enough I'm sure. Hang in there ladies and gentlemen. In solidarity.

I think this forum is awsome :) most of my pals are in for life, so I like the forum

I havent been online much so I'm just now seeing this thread. I can relate to some of the things you guys are talking about. My fiance is serving 25-Life. He's been in prison for 24 years already (became elgible in 1997). So yes I am grateful that he has a CHANCE to come home...of course he could spend another 20 years or so in there. I dont know what his max out time is (if there is such a thing for Lifers with a indeterminate sentence). I keep praying that some miracle will happen. The more time he spends in there, the harder it gets for me. Like another member posted, I met him while he was in prison (just a little over a year ago) and I knew what Life meant, but didnt know that it would impact my life like this. Our relationship is great! but the more time goes by, I lose faith in a possible date. I feel guilty for thinking negative that way. I feel like its a betrayal to everything we have worked so hard for...

But I'm human I guess...

I certainly do understand how you girls feel though...because even though my fiance has a indeterminate sentence, he could spend another eternity in there...


Yasmeen...I dont know bout everyone else...but i feel a sentence of 25 TO LIFE is a lifer sentence, just a different degree. I think its important to be able to post where we feel comfortabe, and thats what so cool bout this place, there are so many forums for our individual needs. :thumbsup: Thanks for hanging here witth us and for your contributions.

Dawn

Thanks Scorpio. It would be so nice to talk to someone who has been through this or has been doing this for a long time and who has had a positive experience. How do we get through the depressing times?.....what kept the relationship going?...etc...

Yasmeen.. i too often wondered how to get through the depression and the worse thing i could of done was to "isolate" and stay off of PTO.. i got through it but i made it worse for myself.. this is my support network, as many times as i thought i might leave the relationship.. ( i have know my man for over 20 years) i never stay gone long.. just enough to really miss him.. like crazy.. i guess what keep s our relationship going is constantlly talking about how we feel and we have matured.. (just a little bit) enough to respect , and love one another.. to hang in there.. through it all.. I love him SO MUCH. i can't picture my life w/o him.. even if it is through glass right now, and letters..

Donna

I am so glad that I stumbled onto this site. I guess my name says it all...Bill is in FCI Jesup (GA) which is a country club after Atlanta and Lewisburg. He is on year 14 (LWOP) of a conspiracy charge as a habitual. Every appeal has been denied, and the latest one is in the works now. We discovered there was no indictment filed until a year AFTER the trial.

We have a 25 year old daughter, plus 2 I had from a previous marriage. I was married to my first husband 8 years, and he was killed by a hit & run driver at 27. I thought that was the worst pain I would ever endure...but this sentence is actually worse. With death, it is final...there are no what-ifs. Not so cut and dried with this prison sentence. There will never be closure as long as he is locked up.

I feel for each of you. All I can say is don't ever give up hope. There are appeals, there are laws changing all the time, newly discovered evidence (as in our case) and lots of prayers.

I'm so sorry you are all going through this, but at the same time, I feel much better knowing I'm not alone and there are others who can understand.

~Deb

wish me luck- im going to see my baby on saturday!!!
it will be my first visit ALONE with him since we are officially a couple :)
every other time i have visited, it has been with him and some of our friends.

im SO nervous and excited!! i cant eat, cant sleep, and when i finally do, i have crazy dreams...

the days are SURE to drrraaaaaggg on until then.

i hope time just stands still when im there with him.

LifersLady I want to welcome you to PTO-where we are all in similar if not the same circumstances. I wish you luck on your latest appeal-at his age and already having served that amount of time I would hope there is some way they can allow him him an early release at least!

Take care and God Bless!

Bonnie

Kerrilyn ~ Good luck on your upcoming visit. I know when I go to see Bill, time DOES seem to stand still. Sometimes I just sit with my head on his shoulder, taking in his smell, the rhythm of his breathing, and his warmth. At those times, we don't even need to speak. Somehow, I hear what he says without him uttering a sound.

Bonnie ~ Thank you for the welcome! I hope you are right. I never thought in a million years that I could have held up under such dismal circumstances, but something keeps us both trudging ahead...a day at a time.

~Deb

Kerrilyn ~ Good luck on your upcoming visit. I know when I go to see Bill, time DOES seem to stand still. Sometimes I just sit with my head on his shoulder, taking in his smell, the rhythm of his breathing, and his warmth. At those times, we don't even need to speak. Somehow, I hear what he says without him uttering a sound.
~DebThank you so much :)

i definately know the feeling ... its like you just sit there and dont even have to say a word.
i know there was alot of "naughty" stuff going on during them, but i hope hope hope that they will bring back the picnic visits. have you ever been on one?
its soooo nice just to be outside...its almost like you are totally on your own. no prying eyes watching your every move; and i dont mean that in a sexual way. sometimes its just nice not to have to worry if the way he touches your face or hair or shoulder even is gonna lose you a visit!
how long has Bill been there? is he at angola? my hunny's name is billy too :p


oops! im sorry, i just re-read your original post about where your hunny is located :o

Kerrilyn ~ We are only allowed to sit in the visitation area or a small concrete smoking patio. I wish we could walk out in the air, but it'll never happen there.

Bill is in his 14th year. We have a new appeal working, but appeals are hard with any drug trafficking charge. What chaps my butt is that he was one of 29 busted together. One other codefendent got life, everyone else is WAY out...even the so called "kingpin." I have days where I am very positive, then others where I feel it is hopeless.

But, then all we really have is hope...right?

~Deb