I know there's a lifer forum, but I wanted to post this here because it's more lively here! I was just wondering if those who are hooked up with lifers or men with long sentences ever feel the same as me.

Background: my friend's not getting out for a looooong time and we never talk about "when he gets out." We have a great relationship (I don't know what to call it -- he's not a husband or boyfriend, but we are very close).

But the thing I really like about him is he lives for today. He has lots of interests, has gotten a basketball team together inside, and wants to get a college degree. We really enjoy our relationship and never try to compare it to how it would be outside the walls. The situation ain't perfect, but he inspires me to make the best of it.

I feel like it's kinda different from others here who are waiting for their man to come home, have plans for the future, etc.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I never feel like I'm "waiting" for him. What we got is right here, right now.

Anyone else feel this way?

Yes!! I can completely relate to your situation.
Mark is serving 3 life sentences. So, I never mention ..."when you get out .. " or anything of that nature. We talk abot things he can influence now. His friends inside. And he loves to hear about my life. He encourages me to go out and find more friends. He supports me bowling and always asks how my league night went. He councils me to not miss workouts at the gym. It's like he's genuinely happy to have me as a "life-line" to the outside world.

We rely (perhaps "value" is a better term) on each other for different reasons. But we care about each other very much. He's the best friend I have known as an adult. Hands-Down.

He tells me that he has love for me. But he just won't fall "in love" with me. He says it's a sign of weakness. And apparently .. that's "bad" for his status inside prison. But, he tells me that I would never understand what our friendship means to him and how deeply he cares for me.

I visited with him for the first time this past Sunday. I was granted a "special visit". We just basked in each other's company. Our association is of good rapport and nothing but positive. It's pure and true .. the most honest relationship ever. It's weird, honestly. I think that you would understand, but many do not. So, I've stopped trying to explain.

We don't ask anything of each other. He just gives freely of his time to me, and likewise on my part. It's just a beautiful companionship/friendship.

He's a Superstar.

Thanks for posting this. It felt good to share.

P.S. I'm new here. ;-)

ell, welcome here... It's really nice to hear how good it can be sometimes, too, despite the hardships. Boy, yours sounds a lot like what I've got going on. It is really hard to explain to family and friends, they always want to compare it to being a "normal" couple.

He is my personal trainer (by mail) too!

Glad you had a great visit, too!

I understand exactly what you are talking about.....because in my case my soon to be husband is awaiting to see parole again. So it's like we can't really just say okay by this date we are going to do this or that. We only have right now to go by...which is why we decided to go ahead and get married now. Sometimes you can spend so much time planning what to do when they get out...when right now is important. Right now all we have is plenty of time growing our relationship into what we want it to be when he gets home.

Thank you, qwerty! :-)
It's so neat to know there's someone else in the same "boat" as me.

We took a couple pictures on Sunday together during visitation. I'll post those when he sends them to me.

But here's a picture of him alone.

awwwww---how cute...

see-i don't think the same as u....?!?!? am i weird. joe has a shorter amount of time left though. he will be home next year. we do talk a lot about plans and everything. i think ur way of thinking is fantastic though! i have been very depressed lately and definitely feel like i am waiting and it is taking foreeeeeeeeeeever.......it is great that u have a relationship like that and r still having a great time although he is incarcerated! good for the both of u~~qwerty and angel! :D positivity will get ya thru!!

lady i am sorry--it slipped me! WELCOME TO THE BUNCH! glad to have ya here! :D

jeff is serving a sentence of 23-life. hes done 6 and we still have a long time to go, but we do discuss the future sometimes but usually we do the same we focus on now. we more or less fantasize on the what ifs. i myself think about the future all the time but when we talk about it he kind of gets depressed because it is so far away.

Thank you, j2sq :wave:
I'm thrilled to have found this forum. It's great to be here!

Grrrreat idea but I think this belongs in the "Lifer" forum anyway. :)

I am also involved with a Lifer and it's exactly what you said "What we have is right here, right now." It's interesting that you brought this topic up, I'm glad that someone can understand me. And the friendship that you both (qwerty&ladyangel) described sounds wonderful . . .

It is very different than someone waiting for their husband or boyfriend, I'm not waiting for my man at all. Our relationship is what it is NOW and that will never change. We continue to share what we have in a special way, which is hard to understand for people not in our situations.

Thanks for posting this Qwerty! :D

I never thought of our relationship in these terms, but now that you mention it, we actually do live in the moment. My man is doing LWOP, so there's supposedly no chance that he'll ever come home. We still hope, but we don't dwell on his sentence. He makes the best of things here and now. We're waiting for a date to get married, just like any other couple. It is different for those who have dates,even sentences with terms like 25-life in comparision to LWOP. If we dwelt on it, it would be too overwhelming, a joy killer for sure. So we take one day at a time and enjoy what we have here and now.

Good thread, thanks for the question. I know what you mean about the "lifers forum". :sleepy:

jglsqueen

Dang! It makes me happy to see that others can relate!! And for those who see things differently, I think we can all learn from each other here... I think I have learned so much from this relationship so that I really don't take as many things "outside" for granted. Every little thing is a blessing.

ps. Lady, he's a real cutie!!!

Also JGLs queen, I apprecitate what you say about LWOP being different thatn even 25-life. In my case, I'm a lot older, so when he gets if I'm around I'll be a Little Old Lady -- the other lol!!! i think it's great though that you see the good things and are even getting married. Good for you!

Everything is a blessing and I hope we can learn from each other! :yes:

I'm SO glad that yall feel me on this, its been my feels forever! ;}

:fb: Hi all. I'm encouraged by your posts. Good News, in case you didn't read it in a couple of other places. My honey and I got our wedding date. March 27th. 26 days from today. I can't believe it. I'm in shock that the process went so quickly. I'm so excited!!! Just had to share that! :fb:

I have to say, that I am starting to get nervous already. I'm usually so calm and collected. I question myself as to whether I have the strength to see this thru? Most times I think I do, because I'm one stubborn gus, but as I posted in another thread, sometimes the reality of a life sentence is daunting. I think my man (Joe) and I will make it though. If we don't, it won't be for lack of trying.

Being with a lifer is such a different world. Knowing that they will be there in your heart and mind is great, but to only get that hug twice a month is something else. This is the first relationship that I have ever been in that I can say the first thing that pops into my head and not think twice about it. We were talking about the weirdest stuff the last time I visited. We can finish each others sentences. I've never had something like this before and it takes some getting used to. We live from letter to letter, visit to visit, etc... That's as far into the future that we feel safe to go to.
Gary told me that he would never act like that on the streets because he would never get a date, and he's probably right, but I know his true self and he dosen't need to act different for me.

Hello and congrats..
jglsqueen.. wow.. good for you . I know you are very happy .. it takes a lot of soul searching and scrafice to make your choice.. i agree.. with lisa on being with a lifer is a whole diffrent world.. BIG TIME.. there's limited talk.. about the future at times.. it all depends on our MOODS for the visit.. or time of month.. i am just COMING BAck to the forums.. was in a bit of Depression.. my love is facing life w/o so we have our fits.. and "mini breakups." on my last visit with him after two months absent.. (at his request) i said i need to get off the ride!!

Take care.. nice to hear the "GOOD " stuff and hope

heavy on the hope girls/guys
Donna

Absolutely. My baby has LWOP. There may be a miracle to get him out one day but who knows. I don't think about it or imagine it. My biggest dream is to get a contact visit and be able to touch him (hold his hand, etc). I just deal with now and don't feel my life is on hold at all. I am living my life each day, with him inside.