As I sit here, I just want to cry. My husband will be home in 2 weeks after serving his second prison term in the short time that we've been marrried. I received a letter from him and all it talks about is all of his troubles being someone elses fault. I've always been raised to accept responsibility for my own mistakes and it's hard for me to understand when a grown man won't do the same. He is an alcoholic, I guess I thought that I was enough to change him.....geez, I sound like a million other women out there, huh? ;-) He's in now for a Parole violation...first, he was drinking, second, he was shooting a BB gun, and third, he barricaded himself in the house for close to 2 hours before he would surrender. To me, he should feel fortunate and be thankful that he only got 8 months, and not a bullet through his head! They actually thought that he had a real gun. My heart hurts.....I was hoping and praying that this time would open his eyes....but all I see is denial! I'm tired...that's the best word to describe life with him.........tired!

I wish I new what to say.
I wish you the best.......
Believe in yourself and you will be a creator of your destiny..
Witty

Dear Lovin I know too well the feeling of "tired" I have felt very "tired" but im my case my son. I don't know what advice I can give you but I guess it's denial on there part. As they say there is help out there if they want it but they have to want it. We cannot change them and we are not responsible for anothers feelings. Stay strong.

WSF

It's funny cause as I think back on my mother during when she was in her active addiction she once told me she was not ready and when she got ready she would stop and she did I guess we have to be strong for them until they are able to be strong for there selves keep them lifted up in prayer keep them covered with it cause that is a nasty spirit they are dealing with and I would not wish ADDICTION on my worst enemy.

I guess I just answer my own question when they are ready they will stop but you can't be ready for them or be enough for them. Stay strong people and keep the prayers going up when praises go up blessings come down.

Denial is a normal stage of addiction. If he wants to get better, you can not make him get past this, he has too do it and its really the biggest step of them all and they do it alone. Denial is very hard for a loved one to understand unless you have an addiction problem and you are in recovery or you work in the field. Step one of the 12 step program addresses denial and they can't move to the next step till they get past that (many lie to themselves about this step). In many cases an addict really has to hit major rock bottom before they can accept that they have a problem and have to take responsibility for all that has fallen around them and the state their life is in, prison is not rock bottom. i.e.; Having lost all trust from everyone who loves him, lost everything he owns and perhaps finds his faced glued to the pavement, stuck there from his own vomit and not having anyone in his world left to save him except himself because all bridges have been burnt is an example of rock bottom, only he can save himself at this point. Until he gets past denial, the worst thing you can do for him is unable him in any way, cushion his falls, make excuses for him even in your own mind. Or if there is any one else in his life that is enabling, it is only a ticket to continue the way he is going. Just protect yourself and your home and wait and pray is all you can do, or you can leave. Sorry for the bluntness but its reality. You can also get into group specifically for loved ones of addicts, they are all across the country.
Remember:
Denial is the PRIMARY psychological symptom of addiction !!

Remember that it is up to him, he has to decide that he needs help and he will only do this once he gets past denial. That is why a lot of people fail in rehabs if they are forced in there by parole officers, courts, or family, etc. They have to decide to do it within themselves if there is a chance of sucess. As you can see prison is not the answer.
I hope this all becomes resolved for you, I can see your heart is breaking, you are not alone, there are many of us here and around the world feeling the same heartbreak, be strong and get as educated as you can about his drug of choice and the steps an addict has to go threw in order to live a clean and productive life and except nothing less. 'Know thy enemy' and the enemy is the drug and the disease of addiction.

Hugs,

Thanks you guys.....it's so nice to 'not feel alone anymore!'

For the longest time I blamed my drinking, my going to prison, all of my problems basically, on other people. It took me going to prison and going through treatment to realize that I made my own choices in life. Yes, there were influencing factors but ultimately I made the decisions about what I did. It was my own fault that I ended up in prison because I broke the law and I knew that what I was doing was against the law. I made the choice to drink when I knew that there were other options available to me to help me deal with my problems. I think that before you can get well you must take responsibility for your actions and accept the fact that you have hurt a whole lot of people in the process!

I think you're absolutly right cjjack. The problem I believe most people have in "getting well" if you will, is that it can seem overbearing or (just too much) too painful to stand up to the plate and take responsibility for his/her actions.Because no matter what, we all know deep down inside that there are people who's lives have been hurt over our poor choices. Some are people we love and are the closest to us. Those seem to be the ones we hurt the most, unfortunately. Some have to hit rock bottom and for others, I don't know what it may take. But ultimately, it's up to them to want to make a change, a decision to make their life better. We can only be by their side to support them and forgive them too. Praying is what a lot of people say works. Just my opinion and I am no different. Good luck to all in this position. It is a personal stuggle for me everyday.
frankie

Witchinblue:

You're very insightful. Lovin Life's right: It's nice to have this froum, so as not to feel so "alone" anymore.