but i beat the hell out of him for it. It all started cause he left me on sunday after almost a year of living together and being engaged, he just up and left to try and get back with his ex, bridget. he came by on monday and everything was fine. it was like we were back to normal. then on wednesday while his ex was here (he knew she was here. she was trying to get me and him back TOGETHER) he came by to get the dog he had given me! i didnt want to agrue with him so i let him take Romeo (the puppy) and i followed him out the door to say goodbye to Romeo. I live on the second floor. he wouldnt let me down the stairs and was moving the dog kennel in my way. i went to move the kennel and he grabbed me by the neck and threw me up the stairs. i am an ex CO. i hit the stairs and bounced up and punched him in the jaw. he then beat the shit out of me. we were pulled off each other. i ran in the house and grabbed my gun. i stood in the doorway of my house and watched him run to his friends truck and then back toward the house. i brought my gun up and told him to go back to the truck, which he did. i called the cops and he is being charged with 1st degree misdemeanor domestic violence battery. he can charge me with 2nd degree felony aggravated assault. i am therefore dropping the charges, we will have to work together to get the fully dropped on the state attorneys level. it'll be a fight in itself. now i do still love him i do still care about him but he cant come back. if he did it once whats to keep him from doing it again. that is my point in posting this.

Ladies, if he has hit you, threatened to hit you or your kids get him the hell out of your life. You dont know if hell do it again. "honey im sorry i didnt mean to hit you" -- fu*k that, he MAY be sorry. he MAY not have meant for it to get to physical violence, but you dont KNOW if he'll do it again. the cops, the victims assistance -- they will help you.

I know im contradicting myself by dropping the charges, but each persons situation is different. Im doing whats best in my situation. Ya'll need to look out for yourselves. Aint no one else gonna look out fort you if you arent looking out for yourself.

Dreamer I am so sorry that this happened to you. ((((((hugs))))))))))))
I have been there had that done to me and like you will not back down. And yes it is true.. I'm sorry baby... that will never happen again in most cases are bull!!!
I hope you are ok... stay strong.. if you want to talk pm me...
God bless
Believe in yourself and you will be a creator of your destiny...
Witty

Why a misdemeanor for him and a felony for you - I would have expected the other way around since he initiated it. Certainly a dangerous situation - best of luck.

I could be wrong, but I would venture to say that the differance in charge is because she had a gun. He may have hit her, but she pulled a gun and told him to go back to the truck. That is where the assult come in to play

My Fiance beat me up many times. For absolutly no reason what so ever. All because he had a guilty conscience, and he was so pissed that I never did anything wrong to him, even though he treated me like complete crap. I knew that a lot of it had to do with the drugs. I knew that there was another person inside him, that was not all about the violence, and the drugs and the mean attitude. He just needed someone to help him find that other person. The last time he hit me, I walked out on him. and then 20 minutes later our house got raided and that was when he went to jail. He is a totally new person now......He loves me more then anyone can ever love someone. We are still together, and planning on getting married soon. I am glad that he went to jail, cuz if not, then I dont think that he would have ever changed his life.

Dreamer, I am sorry that you have had to go through this and your advice is sound. We, both men and women are not in this life or a relationship to be punching bags for our significant other, or for that matter, from anyone!

What surprises me is that: 1) you are in a position to drop the charges. I know you are not in Virginia because here charges are filed in such away, that they cannot be dropped by the victim. I believe they are filed on behalf of the Commonwealth by the CA (Commonwealth Attorney) for the victim and it goes from there;

2) as for you being charged with Aggravated Assault, so much for self defense in our wonderful country. But, after what happened in my case (I was defending a family member from attack by stranger) why should this surprise me.

Ladies, I have very definitive opinions of someone who would strike their loved ones for any reason, and normally I stay out of this discussion because of that, but dreamer has given you some very good advice. My second ex really enjoyed it when his fist met my body, to say the least, I did not! Don't wait till he or she is taking it out on your children like I did. Leave and Leave NOW!

This type of a relationship is not one of love! He or she may promise to never do it again, and they may never. But, why take the chance! I did, I will say no more.....

Have enough respect and love for yourself to know that you deserve much, much more than this.

Patti

WTG for you for NOT taking him back!! I agree, this is NOT love. Good Luck!!

((((HUGS))))

Stacy

Not to pry... but I'm really lost here.. I think this is the first post of your's I've read, and I wondered from the title if this man was someone out on parole, or if you are someone with a child or friend in prison who is relating something separate from that issue.

What I found from the other posts you've got is that there is a 'honey' who is in and what got you fired as a C/O.... at least last fall that was the deal.

Where does this yearlonglivein fiance with fists come in to it?

OK, yea I guess it is confusing. Well after I got fired I met Mike. We started dating and eventually he moved in with me. I was a bitch and plain out dropped Patrick (the guy whos "in"). With Mike and I everything was perfect, we were, according to all our friends "the perfect couple." In late October he proposed and I was estatic. It was such a wonderful feeling to know that the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was making it happen. Then over Xmas we went to my parents house in Indiana (we live in FL) and he formally asked my dad for my hand. Then this past Sunday (the 15th) I went to work to pick him up and he told me he didnt want to come home. I was completely heartbroken. I cried hysterically all night Sunday and all day Monday. He came to the house Monday night and we talked and everything was good. He came to bed with me and it was like nothing had ever changed, like he had never said he wasnt coming home. When I took him to work on Tuesday morning he told me he would call me when he was ready to come home. He kissed me and told me he loved me. At approximately 11PM on Tuesday night Mike called and said he wanted to get his things. I told him I was in bed and Id call him in the morning. I called him on Wednesday February 18 and he said that he was sending Darrell, a mutual friend, to come get his things. I would not let Darrell take our puppy, Romeo. Later Wednesday Mikes ex from way back, Bridget, called and said that she was coming to the apartment to help get me and Mike back together. She also brought her friend Nycole with her. Mike knew she was going to be at the apartment. Mike showed up with his friend Brian to pick up Romeo. On his way out the door, he got mad at me for calling someone I met through him. I explained why I had called the friend. Mike then said “fuck it” and walked out the door. I followed saying that I wanted to say goodbye to Romeo. Mike would not let me down the stairs and was moving the kennel in front of me to block my way. I tried to move the kennel and he grabbed me by my neck and shoved me back up the stairs. I stood up and hit Mike. Mike then started hitting me. Bridget pulled me off of Mike and Brian pulled Mike off of me. I then ran into the apartment and got my gun. I was standing in the doorway to my apartment when I saw Mike running back toward the apartment. I started to aim and he turned and ran back away from the apartment. I went inside with Romeo, Bridget and Nycole. Brian came to the door and got Romeo. I then called the police. The deps came and took statements and pictures of my bruises, handprints on my skin and scratches. I then left my apartment. Mike called at 21:31 AM and left a message apologizing for hitting me. I called Mike on Thursday and likewise apologized for my hitting him. Mike and I spoke and I told him I didn’t know if I was going to drop the charges or not. I went to the hospital Thursday night and got checked out. The deputies came and took more pictures of my bruises. On Friday February 20, 2004 I decided that I am going to do whatever it takes to get the charges dropped. I left Mike a message telling him the same thing. Right now I just want to put this behind me. I’m sure Mike wants to put it behind him. I don’t want to screw up Mike’s life; I hope he doesn’t want to screw mine up. And yes I do love him still with all my heart, but he's not coming back. I want him as a friend, if he had never hit me, then he could come back. He told me he never expected that I would hit him back. Well just goes to show, dont underestimate me... As Christina Aguilera says "After all you put me through
You'd think I'd despise you. But in the end, I wanna thank you. 'Cause you made me that much stronger. Makes me that much stronger. Makes me work a little bit harder. It makes me that much wiser. So thanks for making me a fighter. Made me learn a little bit faster. Made my skin a little bit thicker. Makes me that much smarter. So thanks for making me a fighter."




Not to pry... but I'm really lost here.. I think this is the first post of your's I've read, and I wondered from the title if this man was someone out on parole, or if you are someone with a child or friend in prison who is relating something separate from that issue.

What I found from the other posts you've got is that there is a 'honey' who is in and what got you fired as a C/O.... at least last fall that was the deal.

Where does this yearlonglivein fiance with fists come in to it?

As hard as it is to tell someone to get away from someone who beats them up, it is a choice that has to be made by that person. It took me 8 years ot get away. And now I tell people it is a hard thing to do , but once you find the courage , you begin to grow as a person .

Damn i am very sorry to hear that you guys have gotten git by your man, but if i ever got hit by a man, i think i would beat the shit out of him until he is knocked out and i promise, he will never hit another woman in his life ever again, and you ladies that did get beat up, are you still with your men? I hope not, because you are just asking them to beat you up again and that is crazy. Well i wish the best for all of you.

i think that others that have not been in a situation like this don't understand and would say, "if a man hit me etc..." BUT it is a lot different when u r in the situation. when i was with my EX, he hit me. he would get mad at me. i would say something to him that would make him mad or go against my word on some sort of sexual ACTIVITY (still a virgin!), it would upset him and he would hurt me. it was not all the time. the worst was when he was on top of me on my bed and put his hands around my neck-just long enough for me to be scared! i got angry that night and was able to get him off of me. that was the worst case scenario. i always said before i had a relationship, "if a man ever hurts me etc..." and "i will leave him"-but it all changes. i would retaliate, though, and it was not always a loving situation.

i look at it as--i am lucky because now i am an engaged to a wonderful man that would never lay an abusive hand on me ever. and i can say that if he did, i would have to leave because i have been thru it and know that i can get out, but thank God i am blessed with great man. be string and dreamer---(((((*HUGS*)))))

BE STRONG--not string! :haha: i hate this non-edit crap!

As a woman who was battered for years I would say get out of the relationship I believed that he would change but it is a proven fact that men who batter women rarely change. Change is only possible if the batterer goes to jail and it scares him, he has the desire and willingness to change and he is in counseling for at least a year. Even then only 3% will change their behavior. I had broken bones, several stitches, bruises, etc, and still I did not leave. Many women ask the question "why do you stay?" That is a difficult question to answer and one that no one who has not been battered would understand. I had extremely low self-esteem and after a period of time I felt that no one else would love me but him. It took me going to prison and getting extensive counseling to get away and become healthy. Today I am a strong and independent woman. I have 2 sons with my abuser and I am in the process of requesting from the courts that his parental rights be terminated. He is also a sex offender. I worry that if my sons have contact with their father that they will exhibit the same behavior when they are older. I am so sorry for the situation that you are in and I know that you have feelings for this man but take it from someone who has been there, get out while you can!!!

I was with an abuser for 16 years.. they never stop.. they don't change...they always say they're sorry, and they won't do it again, also, try and make it out to be like u made them do it.. and u made them angry.. make it seem like it's your fault.. Thanks to my man now, i was able to leave that situation.. and although he is in jail now, he is a better person than my ex ever was and will be... i'd rather be alone, than ever get back into a situation like that.. they don't change..... And they ruin our self esteem and trust for any other relationships we get into after them...

That is so true! I have a wonderful fiance now but I still carry many physical and emotional scars from my previous marriage. I don't really know if I will ever fully trust anyone again. And no they don't change! My ex still calls me and tells me he loves me. But when I tell him that he and I will NEVER have a relationship again because of the abuse he still blames me. If only i hadn't of said this or done that then he never would have hit me. Abusers cannot and will not be logical. The world revolves around them and their wants and needs. If a man hits you once he will do it again!

Just a note to all the ladies that have responded and said they have been hit. I feel for you I truely do. Thankfully I have only been hit once and that was when he was already on the way out the door. Its still hard. I dont want to think about what would have happened if he hadnt been on the way out. If we had still been going strong, i would probably have stayed and thought it wouldnt happen again, despite my training, i probably would have stayed. the heart is a funny thing, it can over-ride the brain and make you believe something so strongly that only a life changing event (i.e; being beaten to near death) can make the person wake up and see reality. I would give anything top be able to reverse time and see life from Mikes eyes and see why he left, maybe I could have stopped him from leaving. I LOVE him, I CARE about him. But he DID hit me. And that is inexcusable. I know that I am strong, I just hope that I am strong enough to say no if he wants to come back. I wont know until and if that situation occurs. Good luck to all and my thoughts are with you. being alone is a hard thing, but we are all strong women, if life throws it our way we will survive...

I think it is hard for someone that has never been in this situation to know how a woman feels when they are on the receiving end of physical, emotional or sexual abuse.
I kept seeking worse relationships each time. I think you get beaten down in every way - I had always thought that I was a tough person (and I can hold my own) but it takes part of your heart away and the longer you are in that situation the more of your heart that goes.

I am truly blessed that Chuckie has come into my life. He has never even come at me with a harsh word. He was a victim of some pretty hanous child abuse and not only would he never raise a hand to me or our children, he would be the first to step-in if he saw another man putting a hand to a woman or a child. I too carry my emotional scars deep - even now if he moves too quickly I will flinch. I have come a long way and it tears me up to see the hurt in his eyes. Makes him crazy to think of anyone putting their hands on me in that way. Every day that we are together I get a little stronger and feel more secure. Having a loving man, that respects you and loves you unconditionally makes a world of difference. I know now - that I would never tolerate it - cuz I have been there and back. I do, however know that if you are in that situation sometimes it is scarier to leave then to just suck it up and deal with it. When you are so beat down the unknown is even scarier. I thank God He gave me courage to tred into the unknown and out of HELL!

I pray everyday for the people out there that are in an abusive relationship, be it man, woman or child......no one deserves to have their space violated like that.

Much Love
Becki

(((((HUGS Dreamer)))))) You done good and I know you are hurting - I pray that you find your soul-mate. Remember never settle for anything less than the best because you deserve that!

Dreamer, good for you if you just forget about him. As a matter of fact, I think after what I read that things just wouldn't work out because the both of you crossed boudaries.
You are lucky that the two of you got to drop charges against one another, because here in OH it is absolutely impossible- even if you were to tell the cops you made everything up.

Take care of yourself!

I have no physical scars but many emotional scars from a previous relationship---it has taken years to begin to repair myself and i have along way to go.

jeffs

I'm sorry this had 2 happen 2 you{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}.

You should be proud of your self that you were able to leave him and not go back, so many do.

God bless and best wishes

i was in a abusive relationship at a very young age(17) i was young and dumb and thought he loved me.he was so nice in the beginning, when i got pregnant thats'when the abuse started. i continued to stay in the relationship for 2yrs. i opened my eyes and said" no more" i deserve better. it took me about 2yrs to even date another man.
just like missingmike said, it ruins your self esteem, and it does. and it makes it very hard to trust the next man you get involved with. im glad that i have the man that i have now, wev'e been dating for 3yrs now and he's never hit me or disrespected me in any way. he's a angel sent from god. he's my prince.

I too was in a abusive relationship when I got pregant. I got slapped in the face because I would not eat liver he fixed. I don't like liver never had. He hit me in my face when I refused to eat it. After that it was all down hill, for the whole 9 months I was kicked, beat, told to strip and lay down on a cold proceline floor and sleep there. I remember I left and I figured he would not follow me, but he did. I always had the feeling that this was his way of showing me he loved me. So I put up with it, he broke my nose twice and my jaw. He beat me so bad on the right side of my face, I tried to overdose on some pain meds I had and the worst thing about it as I was walking around so doped up, I ran into my mom who I had not seen in so many years and she called an ambulance for me. I was in the ICU for 3 days and when I woke up I saw a priest, I thought I had died. But he was my wake up call. When I was giving birth to my son, they were wiring my jaw because he broke it. After I had my son, 12/10 he sent me to the store on new years eve to buy him a pack of cigarettes, so i refused which made him mad and I had my son in my arms, when he hit me my son flew out of my hands and onto the sofa by chance it's like a guardian angel guided my son there. I left after a few more months. I had to get the police to help me. My mom use to abuse me so I thought that was a part of love. All my life I thought that being in love meant that if someone hit you that was a part of it. After that I had boyfriends that did the same, but I kinda got smart finally and said that was the end of that. My husband now tells me he wants to hit me some times, and I tell him that we will be fighting together. I know that I would not let him hit me, because I do not put myself in that position anymore. I play it safe. And on a sad note, most people think that women are the only ones abused, my son was abused by his ex girlfriend. She hit him he was thrown out of the passenger side of a car. I always thought he would be the abuser because he father was but he himself was a victim. I pray everyday he never have his fathers rage. I thank God my son turned out to be a beautiful and loving husband father and son.

An excellent book is:
WHEN ANGER HURTS , by Matthew McKay, PhD.

I heard that was an excellent book.

Being battered severly and rendered deaf in one ear, the prosecutor told me after the trial that some things never change and it's usually the women. Don't be a stastic, please!!!! It never gets better. Anyone feel free to pm me and I'll give you the great advice that his arresting officer gave me.

i been there so i know how you feel stay encourage

I say this with love and no judgment and direct this to you and to others on this page. I am not so sure how to respond to folks yet.

This is very important because it is a critical issue most of us need to address in ourselves with the same type of vigor that we put into supporting our men. If we don't get this right, we might have wasted our time if we find ourselves in an abusive relationship because as one person said, "if he hit you once, he will hit you again". Beleive that!!! It is a fact. So get out!!! Yesterday!!!

Now the issue is self love. We have plenty of "need to be loved" but we have very little "ability to love" because once we are able to love, we apply it to ourselves first as (charity begins at home) and thus we are able to love ourselves first as well as loving others. All of these abusive situations are about people who have not learned to love themselves, thus allow others to abuse them, looking for love there. And they will never find it because they have gravitated to someone like themselves who also doesn't know how to love themselves or others.

Though your son may be very loving and sweet, it seems that you have taught him to be a victim, instead of a survivor. I stopped tolerating abuse from men not because I was any stronger than any of you but I stopped tolerating it because I believed that I was a teacher for my daughters. That they were watching and learning from me and I had to do the right thing in front of them, no matter what I felt or wanted to do. I might wanted to be weak for that man but if I did, I knew I sent the message to my daughters that they shouldn't expect any thing more in life. We always say we want more for our children but we give them more material things that what they really need which is love, protection, good self esteem, good parent role models, etc.

In order to love, we need to fully be there for our children and by the time they turn 18, they should be competent to fully take care of themselves and that includes saying no to all forms of bullshit:argh , including abuse. Say no to drugs, and violence. Say no the first time. Once use of drugs, you're in. Once acceptance of violence, then you begin teaching him/her that this behavior works for you. [Quote] What you allow someone to get away with, you actually teach and condone their behavior. Be tough on love, for yourself and others. My children said forgive him mom. And I said, I do, but I will not forget so we move on. If I didn't move on, I send the message that it is okay and he will do it again. I had to be more wise than my children. I did it for them, for myself and for you my sister. If he truly loved me as he said he did, I believed that losing me behind this violence would be a serious wake up call. And that the next time he loved again, he would think twice before hitting her. Don't think it will work if you forgive him. It won't. Trust
God to send you someone better. And make him better than you found him and better for the next woman. If we all did that, they would stop playing us because they wouldn't find a woman to take refuge in. Peace:ham:

I read your post and agree with some things but I disagree when you said that my son was a victim instead of a survivor. My son and I were also abused by my mother. HE IS A SURVIVOR BECAUSE HE IS NOT IN PRISON FOR KILLING HER, LIKE I WANTED TO DO. So you see you really need to ask all the right questions before you can judge. He has met a beautful young lady that he loves and married. I have met a man who loves me for me very much. No matter what you do in life this kind of memory will always be a part of your life. My son and I do not drink, take drugs, or smoke cigarettes to make the pain of the memories go away. We drink socially at parties or when watching sports. Yes, once they hit you they will always abuse you. Some women stay in those relationships because they are afraid to be alone, or if he is the main bread winner and they do not work that is why they stay. Others have enough strength to leave. But my son and I are survivors and will always be survivors.

GOOD FOR YOU T'SGIRL!

I am trying to regain my elf-esteem and self-respect after 18 years of emotional and mental abuse. He physically abused my one boy. We have been in counceling for years. I am not even half-way there yet. He destroyed everything inside of us. He traumatized the kids. They want nothing to do with him. He sees them about once every six months and the counselor told me to never let him in my house and he will never be able to even try and get custody of them.

It is so insidious. It eats into the very center of your soul. You doubt who you are. You wonder where you have been. You can't answer the question why. You forget how to smile. You forget how to trust and love. You feel an all encompassing void and you don't know how to fill it. You have to get up and keep walking, but you don't know where your going or why. The sun shines but your cold. Your cold in your heart and mind. Your soul is writhing in an agony and there is no pain killers to stop the pain. You are afraid to let anyone come near you; emotionally, physically or mentally. Just being on point all the time exhausts you.

Things are looking up and we are going to get there eventually. It is a process. A long, hard, painful process. I am fortunate to have met a man who is gentle, kind, doesn't yell and doesn't swear or call names. He knows everything and he has been "walking" through this with me. The man has the patience of a saint. I have put him through it a couple of times. But he is understanding and kind. He wants me to work this out so we can have a stable relationship. With Gods help, we will persevere.

WELL SAID Taluhiah!! ANd good for you Tony's girl. I am also a survivor of abuse. As ALOT of us are. I didn't condone it then and I don't condone it now. It rings true that when I didn't leave the first time it was definately because I didn't know how to "love" myself. Thus NEEDING love from others. It occured to me one day that LOVE should NEVER hurt. And thus what I was experiencing was NOT love. Funny his wife now and him are in therapy over ME :D Why? He still wants me back....hahahah NOT! Now that's Karma! My husband now has NEVER and will NEVER hit or abuse me. I say good for you for walking away and NOT letting him back in.

Stacy

Yeah, domestic violence is a nasty beast and once it rears its' ugly head, you should cut your losses and get out. :fb: If he hits you once, he will hit you again. If you are considering getting back with him, insist on counseling immediately, otherwise.:ha: My husband told me of a past experience where he jumped on a woman in a relationship. He was wrong. Of course he told me (and I believed) that he is a different man now. After 5 years in prison, he came home and jumped on me on 4 different occasions. I wanted to call the police the first time but I didn't because he would have gone straight back to prison and I thought, "he needs some time". After the 4th time, I put his stuff in the middle of the floor and demanded he get out. :pissed: Quickly I missed him, because my love for him was sincere, we tried to reconcile, but things never repaired themselves. :yuck: His selfish behavior got worse and worse. :argh And so goes many a sad saga. Hearts, beware!