An interesting question for anyone married or in a relationship with a LIFER?

My man recently asked me this: "Do you feel like you are doing life? Are we doing my time together?" He went on to explain that he feels like he is holding me back from my full potential. Which I don't feel is true but it's his feelings. I have since replied to his letter and asked if he minded that I share it here.

So that is my question, are we doing LIFE with em?

I gotta say "yes". When you're in a relationship with someone that is incarcerated, whether it be for 1 year or 100...your life is changed. Not to say that we don't have our 'freedom' but at the same time, there are constant reminders that they are not with us.....I can't tell you how many times a day that my husband crosses my mind. When he left, he took a part of my heart with him..........

Yeah, you're right when they left they took a part of us with em! :)

hard one...but yes you are doing the time with him..thats not to say that he's hold you back for something. That would be your own choices, we are after all the ones free.....

DeniseJ

Yes, I think we are doing their time with them. As some of you know, Kendall and I were just recently married, and even though I am his wife, I won't know what it is like to be a couple with him until he comes home. We grew up together, so we have always been friends, but we have never lived together, so I don't have any of those memories. I'm not sure which way would be easier, to have the memories of him beside me in the morning or not ever knowing. I do know that I love him with all my heart and I will do "our" time until he comes home.....

Denise ~ Like I said before I don't feel that my man is holding me back at all. He asked me my opinion and I was curious what others might think.

Kim ~ I'm not sure which is easier either...missing the memories of him next to you or just wanting him there with you. It's pretty hard either way you look at it.

Kim you are not alone my sweetie and i have never been together either even though we have know each other for 19 years... i met him when he was free and we became fast life friends... Marriage vowls are through goods times and bad times!!!!!! Do yall have dates to look forward to?

hey y'all
Here's my story--my boyfriend is on D/R. To be frank, I thought long and hard about my situation, the sacrifices I am making, ie a family/ physical needs/ finances.. I wanted to get a Mr Right with the perfect job, educ etc but will I be happy, I asked myself?? No one makes me happy the way my boo does and thats what matters to me. Happiness. He loves me unconditionally, understands me, tolerates my craziness :) ,makes me laugh---he took the time to know about me, changed this shy girl to a talkative one, shop addict now I watch every penny, party animal to a homebody (am loving it too), I cut off negative pple out of my life and I am a much better person, all credit goes to him, I dont see why i would wanna be with anyone else..I believe there's a reason why God let us meet, he is my Mr. right and am not going anywhere, am riding with him to the very end. Everything i do, be it school, work..I do for us. there's no ME without HIM, period.

I think if anyone feels "held back" it could be probably because of their situation or a choice they made.

I feel you LSRB4LYFE ~ everything that I do is for US not just me also. When you are in a healthy relationship these things seem to fall into place. He is everything to me. I love him with all my heart.

I agree with you, if you are feeling like your man is holding you back maybe you have made the wrong decision or for the wrong reasons.

I guess we don't have as many Lifers as I thought. Maybe this question would apply to everyone...are we doing time right along with our men?

Good Question!! I guess that you can tell from my screen name that yes, when they handed him a life sentence they handed it to myself as well. When we became married we became one (spiritualy and legally) so how could it be any other way. But I would rather have him and the little bit that we do have than all the riches in the world with a man that I don't love. I am truley blessed for God see's me through every day.
Diann

yes you are doing "life" with them. Be it a family member, lover, husband, friend. I agree with everyone here. Your life changes, but as most of you know, most of these men are more open and willing to share their lives after they've been convicted. I think it is easier to love someone in prison for life or a long period of time then it is to find someone on the street. Our men are more open and honest then anyone else. AND YA JUST HAVE TO LOVE THEM!!!!!

I am in agreeance with what has been stated here.
The way I see it, and continue to tell him (so that he never feels bad about the position I am in) is like this: HE... is the man... that I want to spend.. the rest of my life with - PERIOD. Now, whether he is locked up, free on parole, or.. if this were to never have happened to him in the first place and he were to be completely free doin' his thing... HE.. would STILL... be the man.. that I want to spend the rest of my life with. When you have found that kind of person for you, in your life, regardless of their situation, they could have never been to prison and maybe.. just have problems holdin' a job or... something else like that...once you have found that person - you are willing to make the necessary sacrafices NECESSARY in order to ensure that that person remains in your life - because they.. are GOOD.. for you and yours.
Looking at it like that, makes being in my situation a lot easier. Because, I see him as my life-mate - period. So, wherever he is, whatever he is doing - as long as he maintains the personality that he has, the strive for knowledge that he has, the trusting nature that he has, as long as he continues to treat me the way he does and love me the way he does... he is mine... FOR LIFE.. regardless of his geographic situation.
I'll tell you, although being in prison is nothing I could EVER imagine, even after knowing him for so long and after all the stories he has told me, the point I like to stress is that I would rather be DOING LILFE with him in prison... because HE is the BEST man I could EVER imagine myself with, then to be doing LIFE with another man who has his freedom and a nice job and all kinds of money... and treats me... like... &*^%! You hear me??
EITHER WAY LADIES... once you marry a man, or believe that man is going to be your husband one day (REGARDLESS of where they are in their lives )- you have committed yourselves to LIFE with them - with the hopes that LIFE with them... will be great! So, I'd rather focus on the fact that ...that man... treats me right and loves me IMMENSELY, instead of focusing on where he is located. He is right for me... and.. that is where our focus should stay.

I know... TRUST ME... I know it is hard sometimes... and I know people in your family, or friends just... can't understand why you are "putting yourself through this" (as they might put it). But...YOU know, and.. PTO knows.. and that... is really... all that matters.
Keep your heads up ladies... and your hearts STONG! :)

Well Said Rene

Thank you Clee! :)

Very well said Rene! :) I thought long and hard about this topic before writing back to him cuz NO matter where he is he is MINE. And I love him no matter what happens in our lives. We all have a story but our story is a lil different.

I gotta say "yes". When you're in a relationship with someone that is incarcerated, whether it be for 1 year or 100...your life is changed. Not to say that we don't have our 'freedom' but at the same time, there are constant reminders that they are not with us.....I can't tell you how many times a day that my husband crosses my mind. When he left, he took a part of my heart with him..........
I feel exactly the same way. My fiancee has only been in jail for 31/2 months, but there is still a longggg way to go. When he left EVERYTHING changes and I think about him so much. He took a huge piece of my heart with him, but I am determined to stick by his side. I couldn't imagine life any other way. It's good to know that I am not alone. People could never understand what it's like if they haven't been through this before!

Of course we're doing life together; if the circumstances were different and he were free, we'd STILL be doing life together. We're in it for the long haul; we're a team; and where he is can't change that.

As to living up to my potential, being with him has given me MORE potential to live up to. Everything I do is for US now, instead of just for me. I want to build a life for us out here, make a home for him, make him as proud of me as I am of him.

My heart and soul are with him; that would be true no matter where he was, so there's no question of my giving up. I just want to continue to learn, and get better at being with him and being there for him. No kidding, it isn't all that easy, but NOTHING worthwhile is, and I can't imagine "doing life" without Michael in it.

I have to say that yeah I am doing LIFE right along with him. So are our three kids. Every day without him is like being in prison as well.

i am doing time with my boo as well, but i am perfectly ok with that...i honestly would have it no other way. i think about how my would have been if i had not meant josh i would be married right now, and probably completely miserable...josh is my everything and for that i thank him for all he has done for me.

I consider myself a part time inmate of the prison system. I don't let it get in my head 24/7.

that's what my guy told me he don't want me to be doing time with him he wants me to live my life he says he jus don't want me to forget about us i will never let him go

I know I am doing time with him...17 years so far....12 more for the life sentence before he is elgible for parole and then a charge they are running consecutive....hopefully it will get forgiven.......this is the first time in 17 years I have heard people talk about something I can understand....I have found this year to be REAL hard for me...I have been getting irritated when girlfriends cry and get depressed cause their husbands are on a business trip for a week....I never say it, but it is like " a week"!! I could do that standing on my head with no water....I am sorry others like me are out there, but at the same time, I am glad I am not alone....

Fun...
I feel you on that. I can't count the amount of times I hear about people actually breaking UP a relationship because one of the people in the relationship has to go away for whatever reason (business or whatever) for 6 months... or a year... or they will be getting a new job that will make them travel a lot... or something along those lines. They feel that they would NEVER be able to get through that amount of time, and they give up on an entire relationship because of that small time away from each other.
I mean, I understand that everyone is different and everyones limits differ. But come on... if you love someone... then you have to WORK to make it work and that means sacrificing sometimes. To many people these days are too willing to GIVE UP on things, relationships and other aspects of their lives as well, before putting in any TRUE effort.
Everything came good and easy for them... for the most part at least, and a little stress... makes it look IMPOSSIBLE. But it's not... if you just put some work, effort, and DEDICATION into it. People can survive SO MUCH more than they give themselves credit for. If they would only try.
My man is serving a life sentence whose parole eligibility started at year 10. That was in 2003. He was denied parole at that time, but we're up again at the end of this year.
If he gets it... GREAT! If not... we'll keep trying each tie we have available to do so. In the mean time, we concentrate on making our relationship stronger and stronger from a distance. I live over 800 miles from my baby, only see him once every 4-5 months, speak to him every other day (sometimes every day) and write to him as much as possible (usually every 2 days). I can't predict the future so, I can't say I'll be here... waiting... when I'm in my 50+ age(I'm 30 now) but... I'll say that I am more down for this man, and more in love with US and our relationship than I could ever have imagined. Right now... the sky's the limit. We believe in each other and I am willing to TRY my hardest to make this work.

People need to start realizing that to receive something that is WORTH it, some effort has to be put in. Not sweat the small stuff... and just relax and enjoy the love whether you are close or not. :)

I am doing time as well, but my time is outside and my time is with my man as well. I have made choices/changes to have our relationship more complete..for us as a couple emotionally/spritaully/and to be true to my own heart, and yes there has been times when "i could of taken the easier road" or as people had said to me"don't marry him " or maybe this is a phase, you'll get tired of this.. well it s been years.. and even when we have our "falling outs" we always know in our heart s that our love is true. As pw say s i would rather be in his world than without him in mine!! okay enough said..

Donna

For me the answer is "yes" and "no"

"NO" because I still live my life, see my friends, work (too hard), go to school, watch tv, go to the movies, attend biblestudy and make siggys. (haha)

"Yes" because we cannot hold hands. We cannot kiss. We cannot hug. Our talk time is VERY limited, we have to rely on mail, what happens to him is dictated by others and that trickles down to us, we are not free to do things that 'normal' couples do.

But this is who I am with and it is the way it is.
Ciao.

My man is a lifer. He has been in almost 23 years and I have been with him four of those years. I do feel like I am doing this time with him but I have never felt it was holding me back. I am doing this because I CHOSE to. I love him and would not be anywhere else at this time.

OMG, Rene and Fun, I know EXACTLY what you mean! This woman at my job complains constantly because her boyfriend lives an hour away and because she can only see him a couple of times away. I just try to console her, but in my mind, I'm thinking, oh, if this chick only knew what separation was like. Try one monitored visit for just a few hours a week where you're separated by glass. I know it's hard for her, but I would take her situation in a heartbeat.

I have been with my husband for 9 years. I try to include him in everything I do. Let him what is going on with me. I keep myself busy, going back to school, working, and going out and a drink once in a while. I support him 110% and I'm always there. My life has not stopped but I keep busy from going crazy. I look forward to visiting him and I dress up for him. Hair and makeup done etc. I know that in the end when he is home I will be rewarded.

My Boo and I have the love for each other in any situation... And we will be with each other for the remainder of our lives together. We are always together in spirit and where ever I go he's there with me.. Yes, I'm doing time with him and that's what I choose because of my love for him.. He is my rock and I his, there are days when loneliness sets in, but I just pray to the lord to give us strength and Keep the Faith.. It does get pretty tough sometimes but with the lord all things are possible...