I was reading a post where someone warned us that when our men come home, its gonna be hard, and there will be a good chance it won't work out.

How true is this?

how many have men that hae come home and it worked?
how many cam home and it did not?

I am curious...

what are the things to do to make it work?

You were probably reading my post that I started over a year ago, and someone responded to it and brought it back to date, although I have not posted in that thread for a long while.

There ARE success stories of people coming home and doing just fine. My story wasn't like that, unfortuantly. He broke up with me, and then was arrested and put back in prison 6 months ago. But him and I are still closer than ever, and we might even work this relationship out!

The more that an inmate knows before they go to prison, the easier it will be for them when they come home. If they have a wife and kids, they have gone through a lot already. Family issues, having to pay for rent - diapers - car payments - etc.... My guy was 17 when he went to prison and spent 8 years there. He grew up there. He got out and didn't know how to balance a checkbook properly, how to go about getting a job or schooling or whatever, he didn't know how to get a car (or loan), he didn't know SO MANY of the things that people out here learn everyday. Any courses or programs that he took in prison went right out the window when he came home. Prisons NEED to teach people how to survive in the free world, and because they don't, the inmate comes home and is overwhelmed with EVERYTHING. Imagine sleeping for 8 years and waking up to see how much the world has changed.

Not every guy is going to have such a hard time, but I truly do believe that the adjustment period WILL happen, and it will be hard to deal with for some of the guys. Through this site, I have talked to people who went through the same thing when their guys came home. It's up to the man, really!!

Go look in the "Success Stories" forum ... some people are home and are doing great!! You just gotta have faith that things will work out. I had all the faith in the world, and thought my life would be wonderful. It wasn't, and things were really crappy for a whole year after he came home.... but now things are getting back in the right track again. Long way to go, but it's heading in the right direction again.

Good luck to you!

Mrs G…I just want to point out that there is no one in the universe just like you & there is no one just like your Papi…therefore, your relationship has to be be unique & it really doesn't matter what the percentages are because the other people are not you. Of course you may have to deal with the issues that led your Papi to offend in the first place, there are enormous issues surrounding parole, & there are problems that come from the return to society & to intimacy. I think the outcome rests on you & your Papi's willingness to face the problems that arise & to do the work to resolve them, which includes seeking help if you need it. Honestly, attitude is everything.

I see that his parole hearing will be coming up before long; I pray for the best outcome possible.

The more that an inmate knows before they go to prison, the easier it will be for them when they come home. If they have a wife and kids, they have gone through a lot already. Family issues, having to pay for rent - diapers - car payments - etc.... My guy was 17 when he went to prison and spent 8 years there. He grew up there. He got out and didn't know how to balance a checkbook properly, how to go about getting a job or schooling or whatever, he didn't know how to get a car (or loan), he didn't know SO MANY of the things that people out here learn everyday. Any courses or programs that he took in prison went right out the window when he came home. Prisons NEED to teach people how to survive in the free world, and because they don't, the inmate comes home and is overwhelmed with EVERYTHING. Imagine sleeping for 8 years and waking up to see how much the world has changed.

Hello, thanks for answering, I did recently read your post and another few too the past few days that have actually put a damper on my faith. Please do not take this in a bad way...

I do not totally agree with what you said here. I do not think it is the prisons job to educate them and teach them right from wrong, or how to live out here. They try with programs and classes and things like this, but it is up
to the man (the inmate, the person) to decide what he is going to learn, and get out of his time in there, whether it is 2 years or 10, or 20.

They can go in there for 18 years and still come home and commit crimes, and it is because, I think- they never learned to begin with, they never dealt with the issues they needed to, they never applied themselves. Not because the prison did not teach them how to buy a car or stand in line and get a job. Yes, they do lose alot and miss on alot being locked up and not experiencing life as it should have been, out here, but who is to say they would have made it out here either way, if they do not apply themselves?

There are people out here in the so called free world that also can live 18 years and never learn a thing and keep living the way they always have and remain at the same level.

There are those who go in jail for 3 years and decide, that they need to change, their lives, ways of thinking, behaving, and face themselves, to come home and succeed. There are people out here who are faced with something, and deal with it, take steps to change it and dedicate themselves to growing and maturing. Many people never mature, jail or not! and they never learn from mistakes and they will go through life blaming everyone else and never face themselves. They will use people and do what they need to to survive.

I do personally feel like it is not possible for you to live a certain way for years and and just like that, everything you learned- skills and ways of thinking just fly out the window, just like that! How is that possible?

I am sure you will be overwhelmed and scared, I am sure it will be hard and you will need time to adjust. My husband has been in there since he was 17 as well, he is now 31. He has been in there a LONG TIME...I am sure after seeing the world after basically being in a room for 15 years he will be a shock and it will be a huge adjustment. But, jail can be a place of growth and maturing and a place you can find peace and inner freedom, it is a real place for them, that was their life all those years and it is the real world for them, they are not sleeping, and if they are they dont have to be. You can learn and keep a state of mind that is confident and determined and strong regardless. I know you are not saying it is impossible but your post mad me sad and it instilled fear. I know it was not your intentions because you were just expressing your feelings and experience. I am not trying to deminish them or say you are wrong, just something I needed to share.

Why cant a person teach themselves how to take the train, go to the bank, get up early and go to work and on and on....Do we not all have to learn these things?

I just do not see my husband giving up, going back in, leaving me and throwing away years of growth. I think people show us signs, or,we are given some types of signs.Sometimes we see them, sometimes we don't. We can see someones charactor, who they are-even if they are "locked up." It shows in how they treat us and others and themselves. It does not just happen out of nowhere. I feel like, if we do not work out, it will be because neither one of us worked at it and wanted it to work. Don't relationships take work and time?

I dont know, just some things i needed to get out...
I have been so scared lately....

take care, and I hope things work out for you too. :)

I see that his parole hearing will be coming up before long; I pray for the best outcome possible.

Thanks Mrs Flowerchild,
I totally agree with you, and thanks so much for your kind thoughts! :)
I am getting so nervous and scared and so many things!!
my husband and I are lucky because we get FRP, conjugal visits, we had two so far, and one coming up before parole. that really has helped adjust to being alone and intimate and it has been a real learning experience!
we both have so much to learn!

MrsG, I'd have to say it depends on the man. I don't know if you knew him before incarceration, but once he comes out of that confinement as the days pass his true colours will prevail. Then, you'll see what you REALLY have in him. Be sure to let us know, but I'll say it now -- the lovey dovey stuff you'll report back during his first two weeks home is a given, so that don't count. What will count is your [hopefully success] story after he's been home for 6, 7, 8.

I don't have a success story -- my husband does, and what his success story is is that after several trips home for a couple months he went back for a few years, that he did this several times, and that his next stop home will be in 2008. His success story is THAT HIS WIFE IS STILL HERE!! I'm beyond hoping for a success story when he come home this time -- I've put it in God's hands, I am strong in my faith, so I will get mine (my success story), but you all will have to wait til the summer/fall of 2008 to hear it b/c he get out in the late winter of 2008.

Bottom line -- it depends on the man and what he wants to do with his life, and with his wife.

correction: after he's been home for 6, 7, 8 months.