I don't know to say to her anymore. I met her while teaching at the prison. She has been there 26 years. Had a life sentance that was commuted a few months ago and now has a parole hearing. She had a lot of people working out hear on her behalf to win her her release but now she refuses to go up for parole. What can I do to convince her? The man who worked hardest to get her relased is a minister. She wats me to call him and tell him thanks but no thanks. I know she is scared, she was 17 when she went away. The world has changed a lot since then. Somtime I get so mad at her when she tells me that she won't go to parole. I try not to be selfish. I knew when I fell in love with her that she might never get out but that didn't stop me. But I want her home now.
Any suggestions on what I could say to her? Some why I could convince her?

Oh Sweetheart, I'm so sorry to hear about this severe case of institutionalization that has occured with your loved one.

I'm not sure of all what you can say but to tell her that you love her and that you will be by her side every step of the way holding her up, no matter what. I'm not sure how you can show her the world before she comes back into it but if you can figure out a way, I'm sure it would help her.

Is the prison chaplain available to counsel her, can a special family visit be arranged where you all can go and help her through this? She needs to be able to forgive herself for whatever may have happened.
.
She has alot of life to live, she has to be able to see that life for her has just begun. There are so many things out there for her to explore. This is what she has to nderstand and hold onto that!

God Bless you!
Mrs. Joe

((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry to hear this.

I can understand completely what she is going through. My experience with institutionalization came from the military not prison.

It is a difficult thing to overcome, but it can be done. I remember when I retired the uncertainty and fear, I almost pulled my retirement letter several times. I had been in the military for 20 years from age 22 to 42, I knew nothing different, it was safe, comfortable I knew the game. That is where she is, she knows the game. She is afraid of the outside and afraid she won't make it outside, doesn't want to risk it.

But, with one exception it has not been anywhere near as scary as I feared before my retirement.

In the long run, I am sure she will find that it isn't as scary as she fears, just getting her to try....

You said that her sentence was commuted just a few months ago. That in of itself is a bit of shock to her I imagine. She is probably still getting used to the idea that she has the chance to come home. Then there is the fear of what is now to her the unknown - the free world.

I agree with 4MyJoe, let her know constantly that you are there to love and support her, and when (not if) she is ready to go for the parole hearing that you will walk with her every step of the way. It is her decision though, as to when she will be ready to face the road home and the hurdles, both real and imagined that are in that road.

Talk to the Chaplain, see what she suggests. Yes, she needs to forgive herself and learn that she does have alot to live in the outside world for. You for one.

Be patient, with her, you have crossed the hurdle of the sentence commutation, next the major hurdle of her facing her fear.

You are both in our prayers.

Patti

im sorry to hear this..i agree with everyone..but more then anything she probablly is very scared..going away at 17 she didn't experience alot..and now all this time..I would be frightened too..i guess talk to her and ask her what is she scared of??..let her tell u *everything* and tell her u will be there for her as much as she needs..even every little insecurity she has let her tell u..and also I agree w/ Friscolady..maybe it is a shock that she can be coming home..maybe she had everything planned out and now a change..think about how much everyone hates changes in a regular routine??..maybe she can get therapy inside?? or attend some programs that will help her adjust a little bit??..and no matter what tell her that you will help her with whatever..I wish you soo much luck..and I pray everything works out for you..=)

Thank you all for the help. I have already tried everything you said. I know the problem, it's going to be an open hearing. In my area this is a big media deal and eveyone wants their 15 minutes of fame. She says going for parole is like going for trial. The other thing is the governor of our state wanted to use her as an example of how his policys are a breakaway from our last governor. The parole descision has already been made. He just wants this as a media show.

oh hell....i hate to hear this from anyone. I remember back when my guy first time coming home after doing 14 years....he was a mess....why in the world don't the "system" help them to make the transituan (sp?)

I'll be praying for both of you.

DeniseJ

Back up folks....

Lifer in the house.

Not wanting parole is a personal choice. Lots of people make it. It doesn't have to be an indication of mental illness or fear or institutionalization. It's pragmatic.

Not wanting to be dog-walked,.. not wanting to become any of the folks they (she in 26 years) has seen come and go and come and go and be doing life on the installment plan is a very rational, very pragmatic, very bright thing to consider.

When she does serve out and sees the gate from the other side, she will be done with them and they will be done with her. She hasn't waited this long to invite more 'supervision' into her world. She's got a plan folks. It's reasonable, and it's her choice. When you've had that long to think about it, when you've woken up a lifer, you get some pretty well-thought ideas about what life is worth to you, what life is worth living, and what would define real freedom for you. She's chosing to accept nothing less than a freedom of her chosing... That is the high-road, not often taken, and hard for other people to consider as an option when the path of least resistance appeals so much.

Kudos to her.

I know she is scared, she was 17 when she went away. The world has changed a lot since then. Any suggestions on what I could say to her? Some why I could convince her?

Life

I responded to his post based on what he clearly wrote about her and what she maybe going through, so for you to tell us all to "back up" isn't right. Is is possible to give your two cents without downplaying what has already been said?

Mrs. Joe

(offtopic, sorta reply to Mrs. Joe)...

Every other post in this thread seemed to be embracing the fact that she must be nuts or something not to be doing what he wanted.

I was pointing out that she has a different outlook that I for one can understand which may have absolutely nothing to do with the explanations for her behavior that had previously been offered.

It was posted on topic. It was posted to give the thread starter and all who find it, a different, valid, outlook on her choice.

If the question is ,, how do I convince her..? and the balance of replies find fault with her position because she's somehow outta control... I thought it appropriate to point out that is shows great control of the situation and it does happen.

As for 'back up.'' Would you have preferred, 'Stop the bus'?
My opinion of the situation differs from yours.
I wasn't downplaying the previous posts, I was giving an indication that there might have been something at the beginning of this situation that was missed.

Do you have any comment about the text of my post beyond that first line?

My 2 cents by the way, comes from having been her, and having lived with and known more people like her than people like him, or you have.

Please re-read my original reply.

Now hold on here folks, I didn't mean for this to become some argument. Life2thesequel has made a valid point. She has said the same thing you have said.
She is angry at me because I don't agree with her. I told her I support her but I would be I would have been thought crazy if I would agree for her to stay there. How could you tell the one you love stay when there is a chace to come home. I wasn't there 26 years ago to stop or prevent what happened. I didn't have the power to get the govoner to reduce the sentence. She was wrogfully imprisoned to begin with. She was supposed to be released over 15 years ago. She has been up for parole before, granted it 4 other times. Due to the policeys of our state at that time the governor at that time was denying all parole for lifers. "Life ment life" didn't matter the case. Now whe have a policy changes. She was to be our new governors example of how the system hase changed.

She needs support regardless...I will pray for her and ask God to come to this situation and let his will be the outcome.

ciderale,
has there been any changes? keep us posted. pray for her thats all you can do.

jeffs

ciderale,
has there been any changes? keep us posted. pray for her thats all you can do.

jeffs
Well things have changed slightly. We had a big argument but I had to say my peace. Pluse I am getting alot of pressure from the clergy who worked so hard for her release. He worked to have her released but our governor comuted the sentence. ((the balance of this particular post has been removed at the request of the writer in the interest of the his lady friend's privacy))

I'm going to put in my two bits I guess, I have done parole 2x. Once I did make off, once I didn't. Parole does not mean your free. It can be a big set up, and you have to weigh, the chance of being sent back, which can happen for many many reasons, besides your own personal behavior. I refused, the last time and I never regretted it, when you max out, its done. Add these factors to the size of your womans bid, and I believe it is wrong, to pressure her. Only her heart, knows whats right for her, and if you really love her, you will support her no matter what.

This is sad to say the least. I tend to agree tho, that if she was innocent to begin with...then why should she settle for Parole? TRUE Freedom is what it seems she's looking for and demanding!! I'm sorry this is tough on you. I can understand your frustration. It seems to me you want her home at any rate. (Understandbly so) She on the other hand deserves FULL freedom and it seems she's willing to do what it takes to get it!!

((((HUGS))))

I hope it all works out for both of you! PRAYERS being sent your way!

Stacy

offer this...
Independance and self control, rules on the outside, rewards for doing good and a quiet place to think.
Free Will is not so easy for an instituationalized person, temptation is worse for females than males.
A quiet and safe place to cry is not easy.
Pulling the covers over my head as eyes cry alone, a quiet place where all is safe behind that mask you will find me.

I Don"t Mean This In An Offensive Way,but Hallmark Needs This.