I need to talk to someone...maybe even e-mail back and forth. My fiance was released from Corcoran Substance Abuse and Treatment Center. He was released on January 12th. He was doing well, when something devastating happened this past Saturday evening. He was taking a walk in the park and ran into a old drug friend of his. His "friend" offerend meth to him and he did it. After 7 months of rehab, he gave in and got high. I was up all night that night waiting for him to come home, thinking that he was dead. He finally called me at 7am, almost in tears and told me that he got high and he felt so foolish and angry with himself. I need to know what to do.....I need to know what can help him. Never in my mind did I think that he was not strong enough to say no. I thought that he was okay now. Is the addiction to this drug so intense that it never ends?

Christen:

My prayers are with you both. Unfortunatly "meth" is highly addictive!! My husband and myself are both recovering addicts, he is trying to stay clean on the inside, where there are more drugs in his face than I come across out here. One thing that worked for me was totally changing all my habits, where I went and who I saw. At first it was weird for me, cuz it and they were all I knew, but I knew that drugs were killing us. My husband had some pretty bad disabilities because of the dope. Another thing, obviously your man wants to stick to his recovery and we have all stumbled. The thing to remember is that you have to get back up and start the journey of recovery over again, and again, and again. However many times he falls down, he needs to get back up. This is not easy to do, but very well worth it! Continue to be supportive and loving to him. He needs to be made to feel like he is deserving of a "drug-free" life, cuz the "meth" is telling him differently. I am going to PM you too.

Much Love

Becki

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I don't have any advice for you, but someone will come along with something helpful to say.

Thank you for your reply...I feel so heartbroken right now and still in quite a state of shock. It's hard because I feel differently about him now. When he was released, it was a new start for us...now I feel like our relationship is tainted. I feel like I have to be with him 24/7 to keep him away from people who would influence him to get high again. I know that I cannot do that. My brain is telling me to get out of this situation, but I know of the person that he can be....It's also very hard for me to tell if he is under the influence. Before, he did it for months without me even knowing it. So my trust for him is gone, I am stressed out, basically a mess. This is the only place I can turn to because this is so very personal and my family doesn't want to hear about it...I feel that I am disappointing them by being with my fiance...but, they don't truly understand. I am so afraid that he will do it again after this "mess up". I know that he didn't even really want to get high...so I wonder why he couldn't just say no. You would have to beat the heck out of me and knock me out before I would ever touch a drug such as meth. I try to instill my views on drugs to him, about how very evil they are, but he still cannot resist that temptation. I feel as though I hit a wall that I cannot get passed.

Again, I am not the best one to reply to this because I don't have any personal experience that would be helpful to you. I do think if you love him and are willing to take the risk that his recovery is a gradual process, there is nothing wrong with staying and trying to make him feel like he deserves recovery. This is obviously a VERY personal decision. For me, I think I would set some very stringent groundrules about getting into some kind-of rehab, etc. that I could live with while trying to help him. Also, I think only he knows whether he wants to be and stay clean. Do you have a feel for that? PM me if you want to talk --although, like I said, I don't have any real words of wisdom for you.

Christen,
I know what you are feeling and it is ok. I have been married to my husband since I was 17 and I am 35 now. We have two beautiful daughters that are smart and have everything going for them. Unfortunately, meth consumed their father. I put up with the staying out all night and not being able to sleep worried sick about him....trust me I don't miss those days! I finally gave up on fighting with him and just let him go. Don't get me wrong...we stayed married and I worked 40+ hours as a legal secretary and was being the mom and dad..so it seemed. On 2/1/01 he was busted for manufacturing meth....it was the best day of our lives. It saved his life and it woke him up to hit rock bottom. He found the Lord and God had changed him into a new man and to this day we know what happen was for the best....but the prison road is no fun and he has missed over 2 years of our daughters lives. We see him every weekend and we talk every night on the telephone....just to keep us feeling like we are a family still.....but it is hard. But I know it is making us stronger and I truly believe in my heart that the past is over. But if he steps one foot backwards when he comes home from ODOC I will not be around to go through this again. I refuse too! I feel like I have given him 17 years of my life and I am still by his side even though he put us on the back burner when he was a meth consumer.....who is suffering from it the kids and me. So needless to say......this is it... I pray that God gives my husband strength to do what is right for his sake and ours as a family. Hang in there and I will keep you in prayer. If I didn't have so much invested in my marriage and my family....I would not have stuck around. But God has put a peace upon me and I have forgiven him for the past and I am looking forward to a brighter future :) PM me if you need to talk.

Unfortunately I have plenty of experience to draw on in this area. First, my father was a heroin addict and died from an overdose when I was 22 (he had been clean 7 years). Then, I married my first husband, who secretly tried a variety of drugs and left me to be both parents for an 11 year battle that ended in divorce. I was then my mom's support person through residental treatment for drugs and alcohol (she has been clean for about 5 years now! Praise God - that's what saved her). Now, my husband of 2 years (been together 5 years) is serving a 4 1/2 year sentence for forgery after going on a crystal meth/glass drug spree that left me giving birth to our second son alone and now raising our four children alone (two from my first marriage).
From all this my advice is: Living with and loving a drug addict is something you have to plan to deal with the rest of your life, if you want to stay with him. It doesn't EVER go away. There is always the possiblility of relapse and you have to decide if you can live with the fear of waiting "for the other shoe to drop".
I am in a spot where I still don't know if I can do it again either. I KNOW I don't want to go through another divorce, I know I love him, and I know our kids need their father, but I don't EVER want to go through the heartbreak, fear, loneliness, self-loathing, and general chaos of living with that again. So, all I can say is - keep evaluating what you are willing to go through, keep setting boundaries you can live with, have him seek treatment, go to "co-dependent" counseling (like ALA-NON) yourself, and remember that addicts usually view the world by how it affects THEM - so avoid discussing your "feelings" and focus on ACTIONS. What's acceptable behavior for him and won't you allow. Avoid "guilt trips" and be ready to have a relationship that will NOT be 50-50 for quite some time. If you ever want to talk PM me or instant message me on yahoo. This goes for anyone dealing with these issues. It's a constant battle and I feel deeply for what you are going through.
God Bless - Yvonne (sorry this is so long everybody!!)

I too know that this can be devastating and very tiresome I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do and I will keep you in my prayers.

I need to talk to someone...maybe even e-mail back and forth. My fiance was released from Corcoran Substance Abuse and Treatment Center. He was released on January 12th. He was doing well, when something devastating happened this past Saturday evening. He was taking a walk in the park and ran into a old drug friend of his. His "friend" offerend meth to him and he did it. After 7 months of rehab, he gave in and got high. I was up all night that night waiting for him to come home, thinking that he was dead. He finally called me at 7am, almost in tears and told me that he got high and he felt so foolish and angry with himself. I need to know what to do.....I need to know what can help him. Never in my mind did I think that he was not strong enough to say no. I thought that he was okay now. Is the addiction to this drug so intense that it never ends? :ha: christen, I wish there was a good way to let you know , that unless your boyfriend go's to a excellent rehab(and really wanting to get off the drug !!!!) the usual relaps of meth is 6mo. I should know I've tried and started back 6mo later 3 times. I'm a 10yr user. And if this is truely the man you wan't to spend the rest of your life with then I will let you make that choice first, and write you more later but remember this will be the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. :ha:

really would like to help you both
bonnie taylor

My boyfriend is on his way to an SAP program in California. I feel your pain. Loving an addict is frustrating. Nobody can help them but themselves. All you can offer is support. Before my boyfriend ended up going to prison for possession of herion there where many nights I spent worrying about where he was and what had happened to him. I never want to go through this again. He tells me he wishes he was certain of the uncertain, but he is not. You just have to remember to look out for yourself during these times because he will be to consumed with what he is doing to himself to be there for you. Be his support system if he seems he wants it. Being with an addict is very difficult. I myself am still seriously confused on how to handle the relationship when things go downhill. The way I see it is if my boyfriend makes it clear that he is trying to stay clean and putting effort into going to meetings, counseling, etc then I will stick by him, but if he chooses to disappear all the time and ignore what he is doing then I'm leaving.

I agree with Flecky on this.My man is an addict and has been for about 11 years,he says this (prison) is his bottom and he wants a new life w/o drugs.I do believe him but I know in the back of my mind he could relapse again.I don't think I can ever go through the hell I went through years ago when we were together and he was using before he ended up in prison and we got back together.I will support him any way I can and stand behind him 100% in his bid to be free of dope but if he chooses to go back to it and that lifestyle I have to leave even though it will kill me to loose him again.

Christen- My boyfriend was just released from prison this January after his second time in. He is a heroin addict who was sent back for dropping dirty too many times.
Since he's been home, he has made a huge effort to stay clean. He doesn't go into the areas that he used to (unless he has to drive through them for work) he doesn't see the people he used to, and he is totally focused on getting his life back together. Right now I have faith that he will make it.
However, I do know that once the "excitement" of being out of prison goes away, he will have to be even stronger then he is now. Life will start to be normal again, and the old thoughts will try to creep back in.
It is so hard to love an addict because you never know what could happen. Right now I just live day to day and am thankful for each one of those days.
All I can tell you is that people in recovery can slip up. It doesn't mean that they don't want to be clean more then anything in the world, it just means that they messed up.
You have to decide for yourself what you want in life. Like so many others who have responded here, I too am scared of the "what if's". I know that I will never go through what we went through before because of his addiction. It about killed me watching what he was doing to himself, and I won't do that again.
So, now that I have gone on forever without really answering your questions, I will say this.
Take care of yourself first. If he wants to be clean again, he will be. He made a mistake and hopefully he will be on the right track again very soon. As long as he continues to make the effort it will get easier.
I hope I helped you in some tiny little way. I do know what your feeling........it sucks. It's one of the worst feelings in the world.
Take care of yourself and stay strong!!!
:)

AA/NA is great. Has he tried that? And private counseling is usually needed. You have to get a new life, new friends and often a new job. Dont get around "triggers", old friends, bars, parties--etc. Good Luck.

Jeffs

Well, here's an update for everyone. Billy now disappears at least once a week all night. This week it has now been twice, but one time he came home at 10pm instead of 4pm like expected. He keeps saying that he runs into a friend and they go fishing or whatever he can come up with. I have no idea if he is telling the truth, but at this point I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He doesn't even bother to call me if he isn't coming home. Last Friday he took my car to go work out at the gym and he never came home until 10 am the next morning. He said that he met a guy at the gym and then the guy took him out to a bar and he got too drunk so he slept in the car. Yet, no phone call and he did call the next morning from a pay phone that is located no where near the bar he was at. I have been trying to get him to move out, but he refuses so now we are in a ficious cycle of fighting and not talking and then I get sick of it and cave into him. I don't think I am happy and a future with him and marriage isn't going to happen. I have done so much for him and it seems like he isn't trying very hard. I don't know how to get out of this situation.

Wow- this is sounding all too familiar. Pretty soon he will run out of stories about guys he met at the gym that took him to the bar. Seems to me that he is using again and as hard as it is, you have to split from him for your own well being. You need to take care of yourself now, and he needs to learn how to take care of himself.
I don't know how to tell you to get out of this situation cuz I don't know enough about your home life.
If he won't leave the home, is there any way that you can?
He needs to hit bottom, and it doesn't seem that he has yet.
Good luck to you- remember that taking care of yourself is your number one priority.

Hi.. I am not really much on advise.. better at giving you a story about something that happened similiar in my life...
Advise has always been something that I have felt shouldn't be given by someone that isn't going through, or has gone through the same situation..
My husband is in Quentin right now.. and just last week.. he called me and told me that he had to tell me a couple of things that have been bothering him...
He said that during his time on the streets.. he hadn't been 100% honest with me, and that he had done meth and lied to me about it.. but it was eating away at him, and he didn't want to lie to me..
I am afraid that I already knew that... and I told him that... I also told him that I was not as stupid as he seemed to think I was.. just a whole lot more patient than I used to be..
He smiled... and wrote me a long letter that night..
I pray for you sweetie.. because there isn't anything more devastating to anyone than to have your man only realize after he is back in prison.. what he has done wrong. My brother is that way.. he only is my brother when he is locked up.. but when he hits the streets with his gate money.. he forgets who his family is unless they have a bump for him... it is actually quite sad...
I hope you stick it out with him, if he is truly the man of your dreams.. One day.. something will click in his head.. and he will understand that he should be a better man to you on the streets as well as when he is locked up, and he shouldn't make you pronmises that he has no intention on keeping.
I will keep you in my prayers..
take care..
Love R

I know what it is like to be with someone with an addiction and I am a recovering alcoholic. If you really love him give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that this was a slip. I also suggest that you go to an alanon or similar support group meeting. Talk to him but don't lecture and most of all love and support him.
I wish you good luck whatever decision you make
Nancy (nanuu)

Well I agree with what everyone else is saying, and you really have to decide if you want to be in his life if it gets worse and will you be able to handle it and keep yourself from going down too. It sounds like you have already decided since you dont want to marry him now and you want him to move out though you obviously care for him a a great deal to look for help.
About all his excuses, well you know what he is doing, what does your instincts tell you ? Right, so don't waste anymore time wondering what he is doing, you know. I don't know your situation but you do need to make sure you have set your own boundaries and limits. If its already past what you are willing to take then you need to change the locks or move out very quickly. If you love him and want to help him, it will be tough love all the way and you need to get help and fast. If you are not sure how to get help you can PM me if you want and I can try to find something in your area for you, you arent alone, there are plenty of people in the same shoes as you. You can't help him right now except to pray for him and do not enable him or give access to anything he can turn into quick cash no matter what emergency story he gives you. If you want to be there for him but you need some space between you and him, which is probably wise right now, then he needs to leave. Most importantly you need to look after yourself, just like everyone else is saying. We are always around here if you need to vent or just a shoulder, there are plenty of us that are quite familiar with everything you are telling us.

big hugs, lots of prayers, you are never alone

Hey, you all.. My man was locked up from May 15, 2002 to April 14, 2004. That's 23 months. I got with him in May 2003 and he keeps telling me to believe in him and that he'll straighten up. He plans to go to college and stuff. Now he's out and acting all crazy on meth asking me to use my car and for money and for sex. I wanted to *BAWL* when I saw him grinding his teeth and moving his leg as he stands in front of me. I'm thinking of dumping him when he doesn't want to move in with me. I have court on May 12th to see if the state will give me back the custody of my child (long story with my ex-also a drug addict) then my man can move in with me. If so, I'd ask him if he wants to. If he doesn't want to live with me and stay in the city with his dealer, then I'll just dump him messy & quick.

TIPS/ADVICES????????????????

:( I am a old time drug addict. I used for 25 years of my life.. You name it I have tryed it. I worked 15 years in the record business started out in the 70's so I was right in the mixes. The best of everything. How to say NO... Well that is a very good question cause trust me for years no didn't come out of this mouth. When I wanted, I thought to stop, and someone would say lets go get high. well once again I couldn't find that no anywhere. No was nowhere to be found. The sad thing is I would believe that I said no, how silly.
People can't really help someone stay away from drugs or stop doing drugs. You have to either hit rock bottom or become so deathly ill that your inches from your grave (and sometimes that doesn't work) to realize whats going on. Nothing, your just wasting time, money, energy, and loved ones feeling to get that rush. But the person who was using needs to make a new group of friends. Stay far away from people who do drugs cause it's hard to find that word no when there is a pile of drugs laying in front of you and someone is giving them to you for free. That word no is nowhere to be found. The family can help by doing things with this person. Like going on walks or going to the park. Join a club or go out. Give lots of love and even more huggs. Don't bring up any names of people that still use cause that put a bug in their mind. Just help them to find a new road.. But they have to want to stay away from it. That is the first step.. If you want to email me, I'll tell you what I did and how many years it took me to come clean....It was a hard thing to realize I had a problem and that I wasn't have fun getting high. That I was on a one way street going in circle for to many years........................minnie:cool:

I'm sure praying for you right now. I have a 22 year old son who is on the run from probation for +U/A violations. The 6 month thing is right. If he is staying out all night it is because he is using and he can't sleep. When he comes home is he sleeping all day? Is he picking at his face. does he seem to have alot of engery and helps out & then crashes. All are symptoms of use. We went so far as to buy home drug tests. Very simple to use and in 5-10 min you have the answer. It takes 3 days for a use to clear out of the system. Contract with your guy if he wants you to believe him. If he refuses to test he is out. No one but him can make the decision to quit. The best thing our son did was run as since he isn't around his friends he is not using. meth is a drug that if they know hwere it is they will use it. The majority of people I know who are successful in quiting move to another location and begin new friendships without drug users in their circle. Also particiapte in AA and NA. Good Luck and God bless.

Well, I called Billy's parole officer on him because his drug use was getting heavy, he was disappearing all of the time, and then if I wanted to leave the house when he was there, he wouldn't let me and would push me around and slap me. He has been back in prison for a week now and I am feeling so much pain. I am trying so hard to have a spine and not cave in and talk to him. He has a record of two felony stalking charges from years ago and many many misdeamenors and coporate injury and sexual assault charge. Even with all that, it's hard to not let his words in his letters hit my heart. I am sickened by the fact that I even miss him and feel bad for him, but I cannot help it. It's a struggle to get through each day.

Hang in there Christen, you did the right thing. Maybe wait a few months and see how you feel then.

It will all be ok :grouphug:. In my younger days I used and would probably still be if I hadn't moved to another state and met new friends.

When my man relapsed, the only thing that worked was to call his probation offficer of the police and turn him in. NA/AA, church, ACTS, didn't hold him long enough to keep from using again. He made me promise (while he was sober) that if I know he is using to call the police or his PO because he won't be able to stop himself.
This is just our opinion, for him, once he starts, he can't stop until someone makes him.

I do not view myself as a babysitter as so many of my non-understanding friends have said. I am just looking out for my partner. Read my response in the thread titled "do you ever take blame" posted by misinmike.

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!! You protected yourself and you helped him, I went through what you are now and it is hard, but you did what you had to do. It has been a year since I turned my man in and I do not regret it.

Take care of yourself.