I WAS WONDERING IF ANYBODY ELSE IS GOING THRU THE SAME DILEMA OF TRYING TO COPE. MY HUSBAND GOT 12 :cuffs: YEARS AND I'M STILL IN DENIAL. I THINK THAT SOMEHOW IT WAS A MISTAKE AND HE WILL BE TOLD THAT HE IS ONLY DOING 1 YEAR OR 2. I HAVE 3 KIDS LEFT AT HOME ONE IS 16YRS GIRL ,11 YEARS GIRL AND AN 8 YR OLD BOY. HOW DO I TELL THEM THEY WONT HAVE A DADDY FOR A LONG TIME . I BURY MYSELF IN WORK . IF IM BUSY I FEEL I WONT GO INSANE . I'M LONELY SPECIALLY AT NIGHT WHEN I JUST LAY THERE THINKING OF HIM AND WONDERING HOW DID THIS HAPPENED? WE WERE THE PERFECT FAMILY WHAT WHENT WRONG? HE HAS ONLY BEING IN PRISON FOR 6 MONTHS SO I HAVE A LONG WAYS TO GO. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE CRYING FOR NO REASON AT ALL. DOES ANY ONELSE FEEL THE SAME WAY ? AND IF SO HOW DO YOU GO ON ?

((hugs))
feel better? :D

well, unfortunately i did not know my BF prior to incarceration, i kind of floated in when HE was on year # 7....(its since been a little over 3 years). I know that if i knew him prior to incarceration--it would be alot harder on me. but hell, even having him NOT HERE WITH ME is difficult for me. I have never had a BF that was not even in the same state as me. :( BUT, just look at it this way...he HAS an out date, he WILL be home one day--even though it is not tomorrow or in 1-2 years, he WILL be home.

I know that when I have a bad day & am desperately needing a hug--and hes not here to give me that hug..i get so sad & cry...but, i think about the fact that he will be home. there are members on pto whose loved one isn't coming home. even though our loved ones are gone...even though they have 10+ years...they will be home one day.

so cheer up & he will be home soon.

mel

I have been doing this for 6 years and was in denial for the first year or two. When the judge said "20 years" it was too overwhelming to accept.

My fiance and I cope by writing tons of letters, talking and visiting whenever possible. I do my best to keep him connected with his kids (they are not mine). Most importantly, we keep the lines of communication open. When I'm missing him like crazy (which is a lot), I tell him. He tells me how he's feeling all the time too. We share the good and bad and all the frustrations. It's amazing how strong your love can be when you are not physically together. I think its because you have to work extra hard to maintain and grow your relationship. Its a lot of work, but it can be done. There are a lot of us here in this forum to prove it. We find creative ways to show our love.

As for crying for no reason...we all do it even after all these years. It's really not for "no reason". You have suffered an unbelievable loss and you're entitled to days of sadness, anger, fear and anything else.

How do I go on? I go about my life and take comfort in the fact that I have found the greatest love of my life. It's certainly not an ideal situation, but it's worth it to me. Take it day by day and surround yourself with supportive people. They are out there. And, remember, we're here for you and we truly understand.

Thanks For Your Words Lovinbilly4ever.
You Are Right Some Day He Will Be Home. Until Than All I Can Do Is Wait....

Thanks Mrsp Your Words Are Very Encouraging.

Keep your head up girl! Stay strong!

Put your energy into something positive, keep busy, and try coping the only way you know how ~ through crying. We ALL cry! My thoughts and prayers are with you! :)

Chika, I'm into year 2 now of a 14 year sentence with my husband. It does seem impossible doesn't it? But, I'm still here, and we're still together. When I heard the sentence in the courtroom, I felt like my heart had been ripped out. I knew I wasn't going anywhere on him, but I had no idea how to get through the next decade without him. I cried for days straight. And I still cry....but not as much. The pain is still there but it's bearable now. Not because I'm used to this, but it's because I have no choice. My only advice is to allow yourself to cry.....and also allow yourself to laugh, live, and hope. There are many here at PTO that have made it over 10 years and more, and I KNOW that I'm going to be one of those people too....with a lot of tissue along the way :)

Freckles

You have to keep yourself positive, and with little ones at home, they are prob. as lost as you right now, I know it is hard to sit down have that talk about their Dad, but maybe you will have a small amount of releif in just crying with them- but only for a moment, and then find lots of postives for them to look for in their life, It will be hard, you will cry, and cry some more, but one day you will get to a point where it wont feel like every second of your day is consumed by him being gone- And you will have a much stronger and richer love with your husband then you ever had before if you can just remember he is coming home, there is a lot of good that can came- and your kids need to know that too-and there will be a life to live then- just as there was a life you had once- It is the hardest thing you will do in life and it will take you down a road you never thought you would end up on in life and it will feel like you took a wrong turn and your stuck in hell- but there is a heaven it just will take the long way to get back there!! Have faith that crying is good, but this to shall pass! DOnt beat yourself up for being sad- or mad, because its healthy!

There is lots of support here- so you DO HAVE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE WHO GET THIS, AND UNDERSTAND!!!
like the last person said- keep your head UP!
lostangel

Listen Prison in many ways make you feel like your loved one has died. the feelings of greif loss and anger are the same. Like death, we cope, but some part of us remains torn, it helps to acknowledge that your feelings are more than valid and you need time to adjust and heal. Grief counselors, will often give you some free literature that can help. My man and I discussed these feelings, as they came up – but we had an agreement, we would honor and respect what each other felt, and we would try to acknowledge that we feel what we feel, it's not a personal thing. It hepls to say I feel like instead of you. Time does not heal "all" wounds, but try to keep them clean, at least. Your feelings are normal.

i actually feel quite blessed. my husband qualified for life and that is what the state attorney was seeking in spite of no weapon and no one was hurt. my husband was actually sentanced to 15 years and we are in year number two. i keep myself surrounded by positive people that genuinely care about me. i nurture our marriage the best way that i know how. i make the best choices for myself. i can't identify with the children issue--because there aren't any. it's an incredible gift to be able to love so deeply because there was a time in my life when i didn't know how to love at all. just for today, i will be unafraid.

When the judge said “I sentence you to the department of corrections for 35 years”.. I think time froze, I don’t recall much of anything from that point, until I was standing outside in the crisp fall air. For weeks I had such a lump in my throat, I couldn’t eat, when I tried to speak all that came out were sobs. I thought my life our life together was over. Keep in mind that he had already sat in the county jail for over two years, during that time I convinced myself that the judge would be lenient, they knew OJ didn’t have a weapon, he couldn’t have possibly shot the man that died, but because he was present, he was held as accountable as the man that actually shot him. For some reason I thought the judge would say “time served and allow OJ to walk out of that courtroom a free man”. Any ways that was 14 years ago.. Counting the time he spent in county, he’s been gone close to 17 years.

It hasn’t been easy, and there have been times that I didn’t think I could go another day on my own. But we made it and in less than two weeks I’ll be bringing my man home.

I guess I wanted to let you ladies know, I’m here to talk, listen, cry, laugh, scream at if you ever need someone, I truly understands what emotions you’re dealing with. I understand the overwhelming sense of lose and pain of not having the man you love where he belongs. I know the fears, the uncertainty..

But know this.. what comes from having a relationship survive a forced separation is a deeper, stronger bond than words can describe.

My prayers & best wishes are with all of you..

Ladys ! I Want To Thank Each And Every One Of You Your Words Have Meant A Great Deal To Me .i'm Very Gratefull For Pto. I Pray For Every One In This Forum And May God Keep All Of You Strong And Dont Loose Your Faith. Because As Long As We Are Alive There Is Always Hope

Denial! Denial ain't the word for what I go though sometimes. I think it's just the way we process. Hubbie has been gone now for 14 months and I still can't see him gone for over 10 years. I know God is a miricale worker. And as long as I have that kind of faith, I'll keep expecting a miricale. I work, have two kids at home, read and keep busy. That don't keep me from being in denial. It hurts but I keep going on. Just like a few of the sisters said, one day he will be out. Time so far has been good because to me it seem to be going by quickly. At least he is not dead or have life with no parole. I look at it that way too. And PTO has been a major support for me. Yeah. I'm still in denial too. What's wrong with wanting the hubbie home like yesterday?

I've been doing it for 22 years. I love my husband more now than when we started.
It changes as the years go by. We don't have children. We do have a life together.

He always says we do it by both having lives. That way we have something to bring each other. I have deliberately expanded my range of interests and he always had a wide range of interests. So it is always fun to talk to him. You develop ways of entertaining each other -- we don't have any trouble filling five hours with conversation. It's a skill you develop. How many married couples do you know who sit and talk for five hours every week? We do -- or did before these visiting cuts.

I ask him to advise me on all aspects of my life -- it makes him feel included. Anyway, he gives good advice. It's all worth it to have a best friend and soul mate. It was great when he was a lover too, but two out of three ain't bad.

Martha

Martha, what a great perspective. Thanks for sharing.

My married friends are amazed that my boyfriend and I are able to sit across from each other for 2-4 hours and talk without running out of things to say. It is truly a skill.

I've been going through this for 11 years. My man was sentenced to 37 years. At first I couldn't accept it as reality, I just couldn't. It was so hard and I went through much of what you are going through. After I got done with being stuck on how much time he had, I started to consentrate on our relationship. I kept myself busy, we have a daughter togehter so she kept me busy also. After 5 years it started to get easier because time seemed to go faster for some reason, now that we are on our 11th year I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I wish you luck on your journey, it is a hard one but I personally think that this journey has brought me and my man closer mentally, its been a blessing in disguise. I could go on and on about this subject but I just wanted to write a quick response to let you know that you are not alone.

I know that black hole. It was the verdict that sent me to the hospital with a nervous breakdown and a miscarriage. I don't remember much of the night, and I have no idea how I got to the hospital - just woke up strapped down to a bed. In the courtroom before they read the verdict, I remember being so happy that it was finally over and "justice would be done!" I knew the jury could see the errors, the lies we proved it!" I was sure we proved it! Afterwards they told our lawyer that they "did agree that there were lots of problems, but they just didn't think that people would lie about something like this"
But then it happened and I heard it- I just went numb I was behind Bobbie and I heard it, then he swung around in his chair to look at me - his eyes swelling with tears of shock as the judge kept saying "count one - guilty, count two guilty, count three guilty.... I heard Bobbies ex-wife laughing and turned and saw her "high five" the Sheriff Investigator. Next thing I remember my brother was picking me up to carry me out the doors of the court room and from somewhere came this voice, this cry that I didn't recognize - but it was mine, and it wouldn't stop - this soul wrenching cry. I could hear Bobbie yelling from the court room "You lieing $#@ son of a $#@&! You know you #@#$ lied, you know I didn't do this you #@#$!!!" I later found out that it was the Prosecutor that he was yelling at.
I'd never seen him in jail before - a week later when I was finally released to go and see him there was this glass - I kept thinking "don't they know it's him?" "It's me?" "why is this glass here?" - I was so arrogant I went back to the officer and asked for a private room that didn't include the glass - he looked at me like I was from mars (of course now that I look back it, it is very funny) But then there we were, we just sat there between the glass, on the phones, hands pressed against the glass to each others and we wept, no talking, we just wept.
He was sentenced 6 month later. I knew that it would 20 to life. But I knew that we had a ton of reasons to appeal - that gave me some hope. So when the day of sentencing came around I kept telling myself "it's just a number" it does not mean that that is the way it's going to be. I did not speak (our lawyer advised against it - said I might get "emotional") Bobbie didn't say anything either. He just sat there turned around looking at me - we were smiling - it was good to see each other without the glass. He knows it's just a number too.
The judge said he "didn't like" bobbies attitude - maybe he sensed our contempt and anger? Then he said "I sentence you to 22 years" - it didn't phase me.
So here I am just less than one year into it and look what we've found! Some really wonderful people that we would normally have never gotten to know. Here we are learning about all these horrible things going on to our own people, our brothers, sisters, husbands, sons, daughtes, and lovers. We normally woulnd't have know about this had we not been placed in this situation. Each one of us has an opportunity to DO SOMETHING - even if that something is to listen or advise or just say "I know what you're going through" - I'm joining prisoner rights organizations left and right! I will not allow this experience to be in vain - God would not put us here for his amusement. We are here because we are strong - we are stronger than most people. Yes, we cry, we hurt, our souls ache for our lovers, our husbands - but we survive and it does go on and it will pass - So for now, cry, let it out, scream if you need to, cry somemore - you will get through it. With a little help from your friends.
God Bless -all of us

PTO is such a great place to be.. truthfully!

Although I did know my man (as a friend) prior to his incarceration, that was all we were. I found out of his incarceration about 5 years ago (he had been in for 5 yrs at that time) and I began corresponding with him. Not long after that, we fell in love and have been happy ever since - happier than EVER!
My man, was sentenced to 10-life. Yes.. that is right.. he does not HAVE an outdate. We just pray. He just went for his 1st parole hearing last month and was denied. He's up again in a year and a half so.. we'll continue praying.

Had you asked me if I would be anywhere NEAR a predicament like this, say...oooh.. 6 years ago, I would have told you that you had lost your mind - COMPLETLEY!! haha But, that is certainly my situation now - trust and believe it! :)

How do we cope with it? Continuous correspondence, phone calls almost every day, little cards, and little notes .. even just to say hello.. it gives the little humour for the day for each other. :) It is hard - on both of us, at times. But, our love sees us through. It is strong and gets stronger every day.
You will find that even if you have known a person forEVER, through correspondence, you get to know that person on SUCH a DEEPER level.. and your relationship (be it a friend, family member, or boyfriend/husband) becomes deeper and grows to such immesurable levels. Yes, it is hard.. no one will dispute that... but can you get through it - yes! Will it take effort, from both sides - yes!! Will it take dedication, loyalty, honesty, complete communication....YES!!

Trust in the love your husband has for you and the love you have for your husband. This is just one of the obstacles in life and.. if you focus in on your goal - maintaining your sanity, your life, and your LOVE for one another.. you WILL get through it.

Trust.. and believe!

I don't know if you are religious or not, but if you are... there are times when I feel so stressed or just.. miss him.. and just.. need him there.. right then.. or.. when I just feel like I can't handle it anymore.. and I just .. pray.. silently...for a minute or two....or even a few seconds and.. when I open my eyes.. I am given renewed strength.
If you are not religious then try the same kind of thing but.. with meditation. Or .. just a moment of silence.. just to clear your head.
Sometimes, your days and nights will get so challenging, and then you have the kids to take care of (I have one of my own) and the house to clean, and dinner to make, and laundry to do, and bills to pay, and overdue bills to pay etc etc etc... all the while, you are lonely, you want some affection and just.. some time alone to BREATHE.... you have to TAKE that time. Even if it is for a 2 or 5 or 10 minute break in your bedroom CLOSET (haha)... just TAKE that time.. to just sit outside of everyone elses DRAMA.. and just breathe.. relax.. and breathe and.. come back into it re-energized. It helps me so...I hope it helps you.

You'll get through it as long as you focus on your love and your life together. Don't worry.. you are DEFINITELY not alone. :)