If I had psychic powers I'd go to her in one of those out of body things and make sure she was allright. I know I'd feel better, but I don't, so I can't. Anyway I'm hoping to find some insight. She just went in and in her letters she seems to be doing ok but talks about waking up from a bad dream. I know I'd feel the same, but I'm worried about other stages.

I don't want to see her get all depressed and go into that dark place and end up not giving a crap about anything. I let her know I'm there in her heart and soul. I know I can't will her happiness, but what thoughts go thru their minds as time passes. Is it survival of the fittest?

SRG

If I had psychic powers I'd go to her in one of those out of body things and make sure she was allright. I know I'd feel better, but I don't, so I can't. Anyway I'm hoping to find some insight. She just went in and in her letters she seems to be doing ok but talks about waking up from a bad dream. I know I'd feel the same, but I'm worried about other stages.

I don't want to see her get all depressed and go into that dark place and end up not giving a crap about anything. I let her know I'm there in her heart and soul. I know I can't will her happiness, but what thoughts go thru their minds as time passes. Is it survival of the fittest?

SRG

I Know how you feel. I will let you know what I have learned. let her know you are worried about her but don't over do it. I have found in my case that she is more worried about me then I am about her. One thing that is very important is that you be there for her and what I mean by that is don't miss a call and don't miss a visit.

And write lots of of letters and shower her with cards....I do that with my boo boo..

I've actually been doing pretty well with the letter thing, I like writing. I look at writing like time travel unlike e-mailing and these forums. I guess that's why they call it snail mail. She's always glad to get my mail, but told me her daughter hasn't sent her any. I don't want to push the kid or make her feel bad about not writing, I'm sure she's going thru her own grief.
Any ideas as to what might help encourage her to write her mom. She's 14 and living with foster parents. I stay in touch with her over the internet. I'm in So Cal and she's in No Cal.

SRG

Has she written her daughter? That might make it easier. Her daughter will have a clue what to write if her mom is asking her questions. Grease the wheels, so to speak.
As far as you and your lady, I am always thinking good thoughts about my man and send him Karmic love and good stuff...whack as it sounds, it works for me. Visits and phonecalls are important, so if you can't be there, make sure she knows ahead of time. Makes it easier for her. You sound like you got the pen and paper deal down, so just keep handlin' business.

thanks, girasol. Mom has written her 4 times in a month. I think the kid is just going thru adjustments that are natural. Everything is just so fresh right now. And I definitely believe in having and sending good thoughts.

srg

I know that there are a lot more females with loved ones inside than there are males with loved ones inside here on PTO and I guess I wouldn't have it any other way. I see a lot of posts in the husband and girlfriend forum but not too many in the wife and girlfriend forum. What's up, man?

SRG

I know I don't know much. I don't know if people inside are nice to her, I don't know if she's safe, I don't even know if she cries at night. What could I do if I did?

Tuco,

I do know, I know that I cried at night, but I also know that having a loving and caring family who wrote me constantly, visited every visitation day, and I could call at anytime and know that they would be there, was a saving grace. We could draw on each others strength and love, and did.

My youngest daughter Sara felt betrayed by me, I sent her to her sister in Israel to keep the state or my ex from taking her. Sara did not write, but I wrote her every day. I would post my letters to her through Linda, my Life Partner, who would forward them to Tel Aviv.

Tell your Lady to keep writing to her daughter no matter what. It's an adjustment for everyone. Mom's questions as someone else said above may open her daughter up and start her writing Mom.

As for you, you are doing good, keep those letters and cards going to her and never miss a call if you can. Believe me she is probably just as worried about you and her children, as you are her. I was.

Prayers and good thoughts send them to her every day.

I don't know if this will help, but Linda, my parents, my other children, and I would open our letters with one or more things that we were grateful for that day.

Mine, always started with: "I am grateful to God for my family, their love, their strength, and their sharing both with me."

They are the people who helped me not only endure but triumph over the dark places you spoke of, and enable me to come home with hope and determination to succeed.

Prayers and good thoughts coming to your Lady, you, and your families.

Stay strong,

Patti

I know that when I need support I can count on someone to step up. Thank you Friscolady.

SRG

From what I've read, your doing fine Tuco! There's no help in worrying and no help in bring those worries up with her. Being concerned is one thing and recieved with understanding.

I haven't hung around this forum in a long time, since I don't have an interest inside. But when I did, people here was always a big help! In fact, it save my pocket book at one time by just pointing out what might be going on and what to look for.

It's true, not many guys are active in this forum and most that are involved, just don't say much about what's going on.

But I've found that there is nothing better in finding out about a female, then picking other females brain! :dance: :D

Tuco would your wife like someone new to talk to maybe? I can't say I know what she is going through as I have never been inside but my boyfriend is so I know what it is like for him.If she might like a female pen pal I can give you my address.

I am wishing the best for you and her! Hang in there!

I know that when I'm here on PTO, that's for me, and when I write her and tell her I miss her, that's for her.

Going to prison is a major life change, everyone needs time to adjust. I noticed on your other post that you were concerned, that she hasn't felt she has made friends, but also that she is just moving into main pop. Until she gets in her own unit, making friends is hard, you don't know if tomorrow, you and that person will still be in the same place. Eventually she will be "settled" as much as you can be, and hit her stride. I can tell you, from personal experience, that being inside, and having some one outside who stays down for you makes a HUGE difference in your world. It's true, I don't post here, cuz my man is inside, and my home girl isn't anymore. My experience is more been there, done that. Your doing fine. Your both doing the best you can with her situation. As for her daughter, I agree, I think she is going through a natural adjustment. God knows, its tough enough just being a teenager, let alone losing your mom to the system, I would tell her, that its okay, not to feel like she is able to write yet, but maybe she could, send her Mom a card, just so her Moms knows she's still in her world. All the feelings, of anger and grief, and also, a change in her life situation, are going to take time. Its hard, to keep the family going, when your all seperated, and then one is behind razor wire, but your posts show you have the willingness to persevere. She's lucky. Just remember that one day at a time works, no matter how hard, that day is. Good luck to all of you.

Thanks Darkbluegirl. Adjustments are definitely a key for us now.

As people stay longer --not only are they physically incarcerated, but they become emotionally incarcerated too. when they come out-- they also have to "thaw out" so to speak. it's so hard to deal with the developed indifference--but don't take it personally-- it has nothing to do with you and is, by and large, a survival mechanism. good luck to you!

I know the letters I write day after day do mean something. She was moved from one facility to another which delayed the mail plus I forgot to put the p.o. box number on a couple so she hadn't seen mail from me for like 2 weeks. One day last week she got 10 letters from me all at once. When she wrote me next she penned, "I'm happy again."
I'm sorry she missed my mail all that time, but those words gave me a 'warm & fuzzy' It was nice to know.

Yes indeed, keep writing her and let her know that you are worried about her

God bless you both

As each day passes I know I am another day closer, another moment closer, another second closer......:-)

You know, my son doesn't write my wife, but it's not because of any beef with her. He anticipates and looks forward to the calls and visists, but said writing the letters makes him sad (he's 11). My wife rights him and understands where he's coming from so doesn't pressure him. My 5 year old on the other hand is constintly scribbling something on a piece of paper for me to mail out for her. It's actually cute but very sad at the same time. Her daughter may feel abandond, but it's still early. It's a rough road.

I feel you on there not being that many men on here with a loved one inside. I actually joined because there was more than 1. I don't know any man personally that's been through this. I know tons of women who have, but no men.

Also, remember, if her daughter is in Foster care because of the incarceration, she may be feeling some animosity. There's a good chance she just needs to adjust to the foster home and once she's comforatable and accepts it, she'll feel the same for her mom. We can only pray & hope.

I know that there are a lot more females with loved ones inside than there are males with loved ones inside here on PTO and I guess I wouldn't have it any other way. I see a lot of posts in the husband and girlfriend forum but not too many in the wife and girlfriend forum. What's up, man?

SRGI, personally, am addicted to those American Justice-type prison documentaries (don't ask me why- like I don't have to deal with it enough in real life), and one of the saddest episodes I saw dealt with visitation. They gave some statistics, like how most guys tend to stop getting visits from their girlfriends after about 6 months if they're doing fairly long terms, and that only a tiny percentage stil get visits after 3 years- and those tend to be from their mothers or other blood relatives. The saddest of all, though, was the women's prison- they showed a typical visiting day, and that room was so EMPTY! Not at all like the fight for a table you tend to have in men's prisons! There were a couple of women who had guys visiting, a couple more whose moms had brought their kids to see them, and only one husband who showed up with the kids to spend the day with his wife! I realize that the sheer numbers of men in prison vs. women account for a lot of disparity, and I also think women tend to bond together for support and be more open and chatty, which probably attracts them to PTO more than men, but the sad reality exists that men are a lot less likely to stick by their women in this situation, and that's why you see so many fewer posts here.

I wish the very best for you and your loved one. I hope she isn't there long and adjusts ok. I will pray for you all. Remember "God doesn't put in front of us, more than we can handle". She'll be alright. She sounds like a nice person and usually, nice people do alright. Best wishes to you all,
frankie

I now know she's reached her final fire camp in Warner Springs, CA before her release in 06. She mentioned she might actually be released in 05, crossing my fingers on that one. The only problem was that my first letter to her was returned due to a missing name in the return address. All of my previous letters were pre printed without my name, now this place kicks it back. Oh, well I'll just resend. :-)

No matter how much support I receive here or how much better her life is at fire camp and how she has made the best of her time and shortened her sentence dramatically I can't seem to change one thing, I miss her. I was even crazy enough to ask for a lock of her hair just to have something of hers. She sometimes asks if I'm mad at her when she misses a letter so I know its hard for her too. I know prison is hard on everyone here, I just wish it wasn't this hard. :(

I too know that prison is hard, on both the one incarcerated and the family.

I also know that it would be much, much harder without the support of our loved ones on the outside. I have been in both sets of shoes, the inmate's, and those of a loving Aunt who feels that she had let her niece down in her time of dispair.

I can tell you from personal experience how much your love and support is helping her, and I know how much you miss her. As I miss my niece.

Know in your heart that she loves you and misses you as well, and know that one day the sun shall rise again, she will be home, you will be together - forever.

You are a wonderful man Tuco, when you need strength - come to us - we are here for you - as you are there for her.

Patti

Yeah Tuco, it's hard on all of us. My wife constantly tells me how hard it is, and I want to tell her how hard it is on my end with the kids and all, but I'm sure it's harder on her. I smiled reading you say you asked for some of her hair. When my wife went in, I felt like a woman using her clothes as blankets. I've gotten past that, but my bedroom is still somewhat of a shrine...lol.

I agree that your lady should continue to write her daughter. If you want to do something I have one idea. Perhaps you could buy a box of stationary a few cards, the kind with pictures on the outside and nothing inside and a book of stamps and send them with a short note to the daughter simply saying that you wanted to make it easier for her to write to her mom. Just a thought.

Best of luck,
Patty

AWWHHH...I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. MY BOYFRIEND TELLS ME THAT HE'S OKAY, BUT I KNOW HE'S NOT. HE SLEEPS IN A HOT CELL EVERY NIGHT!! THAT IS WHAT DISTURBS. I KNOW I CRAMPY I GET WHEN ITS HOT, I CAN IMAGINE HOW HE FEELS LIVING IN HOT CELL EVERY DAY.
TRY SENDING HER SOME CARDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT AND REASSURE HER OF YOUR LOVE.

I don't know what to say I cry every day

Hope...I know how you feel, my heart goes out to you and yours. Some days are better than others, I know. The sun will shine again, I promise. Be Well.

Tuco....you are an amazing guy to stand by your woman. I, like the many others here, am a woman with a man on the inside. My fiance, Josh, is serving a life sentence, in which I am serving with him. It gets hard at times, especially when I miss a phone call. I am a full time law student and therefore am on a strange schedule, unforunately my schedule conflicts with his. But the good times are far better then the bad, just remember that. Love is unconditional and sometimes blind, if that makes sense. I would love to drop her a little card in the mail, as I am always looking for a friend. If she is ok with that just send me her address and I will put a nice card in the mail.

Thank you Melissa. I'm sure she would appreciate that.

My SO's story is typical from what i understand in that, she has lost all support from her family, children, so called friends thru the years and no matta how much she tries to connect with them, they dont respond...except for me...but frankly after 11 years doin git on my own...it is getting more tiring, stressful and demanding...i hope she gets out this year...i dont know how much longer i can endure.....but i know i wont abanadon her financially.