I feel as though my brother has died. I talk to him almost daily, but it hasn't changed how I feel. My life is so different with him gone. We are both adults and live 10 miles apart, but we have been very close. I feel so bad for his three children. He is a Federal inmate, but has been transferred to a County facility, his visits are behind glass, except for one contact visit a month. His children ages 11, 9, and 3 can only see him once a month, because they wouldn't understand the glass between them and their dad. How do you cope?

im so sorry that you feel that way. I miss my best friend and he hasen't even gone to prison yet. He's going in there for statory rape. I feel so sorry for his children. Hang in there before you no it he will be out and free to do what ever he wants. I no how you feel about your brother died, my friend hasen't mailed me or anything, the last time i talked to him was like in Novemeber, the last thing i ever said to him was I love you, then it was like he was gone and i wasen't able to tell him everything and i was sad cause it felt like he just feel off the face of the earth, His dad gave him my address but he still hasen't wrote me. I tell myself everyday, to hang in there and that he will write to me. So what i have to say to you is hang in there sooner or laster he will be out. all pray for you and your family. God bless you and your family

Hi dink1 - I've been through this twice with my bother, er, brother ;) . You stand by him, even though he makes errors in judgement that infuriate :pissed: you! You spend your time missing him, assisting him with parole packets, sending money to him, and visiting him. You care for his children while he is doing his time and worry about their well-being. Why do you do these things?? Because he is your brother and you love him and want the best for him. Keep your chin up, there are lots of us out here that understand what you are going through.

PS - My dad used to call me "Dink" when I was younger! :hmm: wonder what it means??!!

Dink, don't worry about your brother. He is in a whole new type of community now. He is just trying to adjust to his new surroundings. I also know how you feel. My brother-in-law has been in for about a year now. I've known him for 24 yrs. I met my wife through him(his sister). He also has two kids 13 and 9. This past Christmas has been really rough since it was the first. He may not be there to talk to whenever you want but it does get easier, not better. How much time did he get? Is there something to look forward to? He will get out one day and you can make up for lost time then. Just don't forget him, Keep writing and talking on the phone when you can. Visit him if possible. As for the kids, they know where he is so don't try to make this not exist. Explain it to them, they are smarter than you may think. All I know is that his kids need to see him and talk with him. You need to let him know how you feel about the situation, and don't hold back. I hear everybody say not to upset them because they are in such a rough time and place. That's a load of crap. I know first hand. I've been a corrections sergeant for 18 yrs, now I'm on both sides of the fence. The one thing they are going to remember are the people that stood behind them even after they screwed up, not the so called friends that forgot them when they left. I know this because this comes from the guys on my unit, inmates that have done some time and are ready to get out. He needs your support and you need his too. This is a time to grow closer not apart. Even though you talk on the phone, send him a letter or some pics. Have his kids do the same. My guys are always excited when they get mail from home. I don't know how many drawings from kids I've seen but I do know it makes their day a little brighter and it gives them something to show off. Hang in there, you will get through this just like the never ending court proceedings at the begining. Stay strong, someone has too.

Caveman,
Thank you for the encouragement. My brother has been gone since Nov. 12, 2003 when his bail was revoked. I write him 4 or 5 letters a day. He has received letters from me every single day since he left. His sentencing hearing is not until the middle of February. From what I understand he is looking at 10 plus years. I can't see things getting easier. Christmas was the pits for us too!! I hope all is well with your family! Until you go through something like this, you truly have no idea how it affects people's lives. All the things you said make a lot of sense, I guess in 18 years you really have heard a lot. I'm glad you have taken an interest in posting to this web site, knowing how things can be on the other side. definitely gives people hope. Thank you for your insight. dink1

I feel as though my brother has died. I talk to him almost daily, but it hasn't changed how I feel. My life is so different with him gone. We are both adults and live 10 miles apart, but we have been very close. I feel so bad for his three children. He is a Federal inmate, but has been transferred to a County facility, his visits are behind glass, except for one contact visit a month. His children ages 11, 9, and 3 can only see him once a month, because they wouldn't understand the glass between them and their dad. How do you cope?
I feel the same and our situations are very similar. My brother is in federal prison, sentenced to 15 yrs as of last year. We are very close, although I am 11 yrs older. He too has three children (12, 11, 1) and my heart breaks every time I look at them and know the pain it has caused and continues to do so. My sister in law is having an extremely hard time both financially and emotionally. I help her and the kids as much as possible. My brother is 550 miles away, so we can't visit and haven't seen him since October. I plan on taking them, along with our Mom to visit sometime this year. How I cope, I don't know, I just do. I pray and that helps, but the sadness can consume you if you let it. You have to learn to just push it aside for a day, and keep doing that each and every day. The children are the real victims, they will be adults before my brother is released, at least the two older will, they've missed so much and continue to do so. I just let them know how much they are loved and be there to hug them. My husband takes our nephew camping and is the male figure in his life now. Hang in there, and know you are not alone.

Hello All! I understand how all of you feel! It is so hard to see your sibling in such an awful situation. My sister has been incarcerated since June of last year and I had no idea what a toll it would take on me! I was a complete wreck the first time I went to see her. But from then on I decided I would do everything I could to make her stay there more comfortable. I write her as much as possible, visit her once a month, send her cards for every holiday and when we could send quarterly packages I would put the best possible brands of toiletries etc. and cover it with gift tissue. Thank God she should be out in early June. I have pretty much gotten used to the idea that she is there and needs to serve her sentence but I still haven't gotten used to the financial hit I have taken. Stamps, Gas, 30.00 per visit not counting pictures and two quarterly packages before they stopped them, magazine subscriptions etc. adds up too quick! But I love her and if it makes her life just a little bit easier then it's worth it.

Hi, all,

I cannot answer for your sister, but I can answer for myself. I was in her shoes for some time, and I can tell you what you are doing for her is the greatest gift of love a loved one in prison can receive.

Your support through the visits, cards and letters, are priceless, for when one is in that situation the sense of loss and guilt for having - hurt your loved ones - can be devastating. I thought my family would leave me at one point, but they stood with me and by me as you are with your sister.

Every letter, card, visit, just hearing their voices when I called was so, wonderful and a gift from God that I have such a loving family.

I know it is costly in money, but money is nothing compared to what you are giving her. Your gift of love is priceless. This gift is helping her now, and will help just as much when she comes home!

I know that this is addressed to the last post, but please remember everyone, that your love and support is everything to some one inside, and is just as valued when they come home.

Patti

I want to say thank you to everyone who answered my posting. I now realize that my family and I are not alone. My brother has been calling me every day, and he writes as often as he can. I do my best to help take care of his kids, as I babysit 29 hours a week. I send him comissary money, but he is not allowed to get any thing else through the mail. The books I send him get put in his personal property, and my sister - in -law picks them up. It doesn't seem fair those guys aren't allowed to have anything unless they buy it from the prison. Does anyone else have to go through Inmate Talk for prepaid collect calls? I wish everyone the best with their family member. I know I look forward to the day my brother finally comes home, and that is probably a long way off. Does anyone know if it is true that Federal inmates can be sent anywhere in the U.S? We are really afraid of where he is going to be sent to do his time. Thanks again everyone, I am really glad I joined this group. dink1

sorry dink1 i don't have any info to give to you. i wish i could, but im new to all this too. my brother is in for drug offenses. And i agree with all of u, that this is so hard seeing your sibling incarcerated. Me and my brother have been the best of friends forever and in my heart i know he doesn't really belong in there. I know alot of inmates really don't belong in there. Some just get caught up in the wrong crowd or get into drugs, which my bro did. What gets me and my family get through this, is alot of prayers and a lot more of faith. Knowing that we will see him out one day gives us alot of reassurance. so stand strong for your loved ones inside, and let them know and see how strong u are being, so that they too will be strong. my best goes out to all of u, and your loved ones!!

Hey everyone, I'll try and help with some questions. Its true that the Feds can send you anywhere in the U.S., but generally they don't do that because it cost money to do this on a continual basis. They generally do this with unruley inmates that cause security issues or are a threat to staff and other inmates in that institution. Its called going on a tour. They will do a series of transfers in order to keep the inmate off balance so he/she can't organize to cause disruption. This is common with state institutions also. So, if your family member is being transfered alot out of the blue now you know why. They are not focused on the real issues but instead are playing the Bul_shi_ games and not following the rules. KimzSis, don't try to make it comfortable for her in there. The idea is to make it so they change their way of thinking and not want to come back. Its okay to get them things but don't get yourself in a bind because the are provided everything they need. I hear all the things they say about how bad they are treated, how bad the food is. Its hard to prepare thousands of meals on a daily basis and have them all taste like mom made them. If your family member is asking/demanding for things he/she probably doesn't need it. If you want to get them something do it when you can afford it and when they are not expecting it they will appreciate it more, it holds more value to them not the rest of his fellow inmates. Dink, I like the idea of the prepaid phone cards. I wish our institution had them. I hear so many inmates on a daily basis complain that they can't get through to their people because they couldn't pay the bill. And alot of them really bad mouth their family about this. It pisses me off because I know what families are going through on the outside and they are so self absorbed they can't see it. I really wish they would get the phone cards it would be a great burden lifted from some families. Friscolady said it right. All the gifts are nice, but what they will remember are the people that stood by them at their lowest and still believed in them. The best gift you can give them is your love and support. Let them know you are there for them and their family. Show your support. Let them know you are out there for them when they get out. But also let them know, First time is a mistake, Second time you did it on your own. You can't do this the rest of your life and neither can his/her family. As for sending packages in it depends on where they are at. If they are still in the county jail or intake they can't get stuff because it is to costly to transport the property everytime they are moved and to store it while they are away(out of the institution). When they get to a "normal" institution ask them what they are allowed and how to send it in. Every place has their own policy on this. In our state outside care packages were stopped because we kept finding contraband(drugs, money, etc..) hidden inside and the packages were resealed. Because of someones actions to try and get over on the man they caused everyone else to suffer. Well, I hope I helped answer some questions. We just had another first, my wifes Grandmother passed away so I was asked to contact him and let him know. Be prepared, but they have to verify the death before they will notify the inmate. You will need to know the Inmates name, Inmate number, the persons full name that died, when they passed away, what funeral home the body was sent to, phone number of the funeral home and name of the director handling it, and a phone number of the person the inmate can contact for any questions. The reason they do this is because we have had too many Pissed off girlfriends call the institutions stating that Inmate John Doe's mother or father passed away. Now we have an upset inmate who could become very emotional and cause problems to get himself in trouble all at the hands of a mad ex-girlfriend. So there is a reason for this so have the information ready and it will make this easier on both of you. Just for those of you who don't know, if your person gets sentenced to 10 yrs that doesn't mean they will be in for the whole time. They will only do a portion of it unless they are continually disruptive and get good time taken away. Generally they will do 51% to 75% of their sentence. And don't expect to see them get a parole the first time they see the board. That is generally used to check on their progress and see if they are working on their programs. Its kind of a let down. Keep the faith and the faith will keep you.

Caveman

thankyou...that was aninsight. I appreciate all the info!

dink I definetly know how you feel. You see like in my thread I have 2 brothers in the system but I am closest to the oldest you see my dad left us when we were very young. I was 12 my brother who just got 25 years was 13 and my oldest who is the closest with me and just got 75 was 15 he raise me and my brother and little sister because my mom became very depressed and he had to go get a job and soppurt us we became very close I got pregnant very young and did not stay with the father of my child my brother helped me raise her after my mom died 3 years later he had to get 2 jobs to take care of us that is when he got into making easy money. He move to Michigan after we all got older and could take care of ourselves. And he got busted there I moved there to be closer to the both of them . One year ago I move back To Texas and I was only here for 5 months when he called me and told me he missed us and wanted to come see us and would be here in a week . He decided to do one more job to make some extra money for the trip when he got busted again and I recieved the worse phone call of my life telling me both of my brothers wewre locked up. So I know how you feel about feeling like he is dead. I live in Texas and it is very expensive to get to where he is I have not heard his voice or seen his face in 6 months I just wait around for his letters hoping they are safe and healthy. He also left behind two beautiful daughters ages 5 and 2 and a niece 14 who he helped raise. So I truly understand And I hope that you find the peace you need to go on and to continue to believe that you will be reunited soon. I think about my brothers every waking moment and just pray that we will be together soon. So if you ever need to talk please p.m. me I wish you lots of peace and I hope that you continue to love your brother as much as you do and I am sure that he is happy that he has you.

It is really great to have a forum dedicated to those with sibilings incarcerated. My brother has been incarecerated for 12 years now and is never coming back home. He left behind a beautiful daughter who our mother is raising because her mother was a product of the system and always seems to stay on probation. Both my mother and I work our butts off to give her the best and show her love, but nothing can make up for the fact that she will never be able to take a walk to the park with her father or never hug him after receiving her high school diploma.

As for the previous person's comments about not trying to make life comfortable for them, I totally disagree. Not everyone has the same situation. There are some people who are incarecerated who are innocent. There are some people who are incarcerated whose crime doesn't fit the punishment. There are some people who were railroaded through the courts with a sorry public defender who get 25 to life. Not to mention 3 strikes. I'm from CA. And a lot of inmates are not provided with evrything they need. Go check out the CA forum. 2years to see a dentist for a rotten tooth. My brother is in the SHU at Pelican Bay, one of the worst prisons in America. They are provided with physical and pyshcological torture and corrupt guards. So these things are done in the name of making sure they never want to come back. Give me a break.

I stand behind my brother 100%. It's like I too am doing time and will always be. He has never made any unrealistic demands and quite frankly never really asks for anything other than a pkg which he can get 1 time a year. For the conditions which he must live in and doesn't deserve to be there I would do anything for him. You have to do what you feel is best. But letting your family memeber know that you are there for them and love them and support them is truly the greatest gift of all. And for those of you who will one day be re-united with your loved one you are very lucky. Before finding PTO, it was very difficult to deal with my brother's incarceration. But I have found a home where I can express my thoughts and feelings with others like me. When you have a brother or sister in prison it is different than having a husband or wife because yoru experiences are different. I went to see my brother for the first time in 7 years this past November. He's 15 hours away from me. I'm sitting there looking at him come out in handcuffs and being placed in a cell big enough for him to only turnaround in. And I'm thinking to myself this can't be! This a nice person, he changed my diaper when I was little. He used to beat up the kids in the neighborhood who messed with me. He helped me with my homework. He fixed my lunch and combed my hair when our mother had to work at night. How can you treat him like he's some kind of animal by locking him up this way!!! That is what hurts. Knowing when I left that he couldn't come with me. I wanted to tell them, okay he's been here long enough, let him go. It is an undescribable pain. You are not alone.

Take care and God bless,

Tiffany

my husband was in county for a year before he was even sentanced. in this county, we don't even have the luxury of a glass separation visit--the only thing we had for a full year was VIDEO VISITS. there were no contact visits whatsoever. i would have been delited with a glass visit. it's tough making the adjustment to any kind of change. i used to be able to see him on video every day, now i have to drive 5 hours and i only get to see him once a month. i guess it's all a matter of persepective.

Hi again everyone, In response to Cavemans post;
I really couldn't NOT try to make my sister more comfortable in there. Yes I know she is an inmate/convict or however you want to phrase it,
but first she is my sister.
This is her first time in, and believe me, not once has she ever even pretended to take it lightly. She has never demanded anything or cried about the food etc. The only thing she has complained about is the other inmates attitudes. She has always considered herself lucky because she gets along with everyone in her room and has had virtually no problems with anyone while she's been there. She has learned some lessons the hard way and when she has been burned by other inmates there, she tells me hey, what did I expect? I'm in prison. I will say that should she ever return to prison, I will have to take that "tough love" approach, but for now this is what I have to do.

Man do I agree I have nevere even tried to make my 2 brothers my husband and now 15 year old son who are all incarcarated and believe me it is hard and I hate the word inmate whenever I call the prison and have questions about any of my 4 loved ones and they ask for inmates name and number I correct them and say their names and number. I have never just tried to make them comftorable they are in prison they are paying for whatever the system believes they did and feel they deserve they are taken away from their families and treated like crap and constantly have to watch their backs to make sure they are not raped ,beaten up robbed from other people in there or gaurds themselves. I have never asked any of them if they were guilty of their crimes because I know they get enough of that in there. And I know that they are constantly reminded by those prison walls. So I just do what a sibling/wife/mother are soppose to do I stand by them and remind them of how much I love them and that I will be here. Do i RISK THAT WHEN THEY GET OUT THEY WILL GET IN TROUBLE AGAIN ? YES I think we all do but I love them unconditionally and always will. I love my 4 wonderful men that have been taken from me temporarily they are my treasures from God who are being kept away and one day will be released to shine when God feels it is time. I truly believe things happen for a reason and all I can do is wait and I will wait as long as it takes

Didn't mean to upset all of you. It seems you all got up in your feelings and didn't get what I was trying to say. First of all, I don't refer to the guys on my unit as felon, inmate, convict, resident or anything else but their name, Mr.______. Unfortunately at least half of the people in prisons today belong there and the other half are fulfilling their commitment and will never return. Sounds like a harsh statement, it is. I've lived it for 18 yrs and it doesn't get any easier. Your sister said she has learned some things the hard way. Has she taken the time to see what the system offers, education/vocational training. As time goes by it is very easy to become a product of your enviorment and just do your time. What she needs is you to push her to improve herself, to search for these things and take advantage of them. Make herself better than when she went in. Anyone can do time, but can she make it work for her? Mcmullin, are the men in your life taking advantage of the resourses where they are at? Its there to help them. As for the things you said about having to watch their backs, its a different type of settng but no different than what alot of these guys are used to on the streets. For some guys its safer. Fights happen, its going to happen when you get that many men in such a confined area. Spring time is the worst. As for rape, I've done this for job for awhile now and have only heard of one case of this. It does happen but its rare, we have more of a problem with the homosexual guys selling themselves or just giving it up. Like I said there are good and bad guys in these places. As for talking about what they did, the guys don't talk about that unless they are trying to impress another guy or trying to scare someone. For the most part they would rather not say anything about their case. Prison isn't what you see on TV. If it were I wouldn't work there, I would have too many conflicting beliefs. I hope you understand that I'm not being judgemental, I'm in the same boat as you. Don't you think its going to hurt me the first time I have walk in a prison as a visitor. The first time I see him sitting there. It bothers him, he constantly makes reference to it and says I don't have to come. He is family and I'll stand behind him. I don't blame the system that put him there. He did it, now he's paying. We all are. He has to take responsibility for his actions. I don't sit there with my head in the sand and just ignore the facts or blame the system. Facts are hard to swallow sometimes. Drink alot of water to help it go down and move on. It time to take care of business and thats self improvement. Don't sit idle, be a real part of their life, help them help themselves.

Caveman

Great post Caveman, Yes my sister is using her time wisely and fortunately for her, she has to "program" she is learning to do manicuring. She loves it and is looking forward to having something to do when she gets out. Didn't mean to seem like a grouch in my post, but you know how it is when we're talking about brothers and sisters especially when they are younger than us, sometimes the Mama Bear in me comes out! Thanks for offering your knowlege. It's great that we can get a view from the other side.

I agree. I think we are caught between a rock and a hard place. I think that it is great to get both sides and i do appreciate all your input in this forum. Regardless if its something we do or don't want to hear, it is knowledge,and its up to us how we "swallow" it.. i liked that water remark Caveman...smooth...

Caveman,

This is one of those times when I know what I want to say, but am having a hard time putting it to paper. Which if you ask Linda is a rarity! LOL!

One of the first units I went to after Boot Camp in the military was a ship, I was part of that first generation of women who had the opportunity to serve at sea.

Well, to be honest, I did not see it as an opportunity, I was absolutely miserable, hated it, and it showed, oh boy did it show!

At my second performance evaluation the Chief, this crusty old salt, who probably started his career as a seaman on Noah's Ark, sat me down and we talked about my attitude, etc. The last thing he said to me during that review was: "We often find ourselves in situations that we don't want to be in, it depends on what we do with that situation and what we take from it when we leave."

Well to make along story - somewhat shorter - he took me under his wing - in the not too gentle ways of a Chief that had been in service for almost 40 years by the time I met him, but he taught me, I did three years on that ship and before I retired from the service 3 more years of sea duty.

When my niece went to prison I ended every letter to her with that Chief's words: "We often find ourselves in situations that we don't want to be in, it depends on what we do with that situation and what we take from it when we leave."

Then unfortunately, circumstances in life led me to prison. Not a trip that I wanted to make or situation I wanted to be in.

I really had to lean on the Chief's words then.

But, you said it , I did it, I had to pay the price. The only blame I put on anyone else's shoulders other than mine, is on the individual who defined the terms "self defense and defense of others" in the law. That definition simply has to be changed and I am working for that - so what happened to my daughter and I will never happen again, but that is off subject.

It does matter what you do with the situation, if I had had to do the whole 6 years, I hope that I would have been able to take advantage of the programs that were offered. At that time an inmate could attend a neighboring Women's College and work through to, at least, a Bachalor's.

We had a woman who is an absolute legend here, during the 15 years she was in, she worked through school, and is now an Associate Professor at University. Just 3 years after her release.

She got my niece back on track, a 16 year old who had not finished school when she went to prison, is now a 24 year old, still in prison, will be for life, but she has her GED and is hoping to go on to college, and wants to make a difference for others in her shoes.

She also helped me, to keep an eye on my goals, while I was in she got me restarted towards my Degree, next year, when I have EARNED that title, I hope she will be with me to celebrate.

You are a good soul to stand by your family as is everyone who does, don't ever let them forget that they are loved and they are still family. Don't ever let them forget that though they have to pay the price, that they can still reach their goals in life. Yes it is harder in alot of cases, and sometimes because of the restrictions put on you because of a felony conviction you have to modify or change your goals, but you can SUCCEED!

Sorry I rambled so much!

Patti

caveman First of all I was not at all upset on your comment we all have our opinions and I think it is wonderful that you are standing by your family but you are right we all are in diffrent situations I just happen to have very many of my loved ones locked away. So I am just a little more angry with the system It is not the system's fault but it makes things easier for me to cope with. I think it is hard to be in your shoes and I welcome all opinions-so I did not take your comment to heart I just wanted everyone to know how I felt the topic was about feelings on loved ones locked away I just wanted to vent. I have really hard days sometimes ,especially most recently with my son's incarcaration and waiting for results on my husband's parole after 10 years. So sometimes I just get emotional work with me lol lol lol. I hope everyone has a great week

Hey,
I have been reading in prison talk for a while and this is the first time i seen a forum about siblings......

My brother is in maximum security....he has been sentenced 34+ years ran consecutively and he is still facing more charges for an escape from the state pen.
He is gonna do life cause they are threatening the three strikes. Ant wayz i Miss him so much. And in my family we were not aloud to hug and kiss the parents or show affection so it is so hard for me to let him know how i feel.

Sometimes i send touching cards and tell him that the card explains how i feel. He is the same way.....He says he dont want to live any more....that us trying to make him stay alive is only making him feel worse...he says that if he committs suicide it woiuld be better off for him cause he dont have to worry any more and suffer and his daughter would be better off as well. I tell him it would break my heart but he has a point...I never considered his feelings before.....I am stuck!

He is in a seg unit with one call a week, one shower a week. and he is not aloud to shave. he looks like forrest gump when he was running all that time. i feel so bad but what can i do? I dont him to kill himself cause i would hurt but i feel selfish that way cause i am not looking at things from his ppoint of view....is someone else going through something similar to this? How do i cope? or help him to?

Mcmullin,
I understand your anger and frustration, I have been going through some of that myself. Being on the outside sure makes you feel alone. Redirecting your anger is good, but, you have to make sure its in the right direction. Thats the point I was trying to get out there. The "system" is not a human, it has no feelings, no emotion. Its a non-profit business made up of thousands of little worker ants that go day to day. So to blame the system or be angry at it is a losing battle. You will never win. You will never get satisfaction. Probably the biggest influence I have ever seen in changing how the system works is the voting public. Whenever someone new is elected the system changes. What ever the voting body wants, the majority gets. One candidate wants to be hard on crime so he uses whatever he can to better his cause. They all want to cut taxes, everybody likes that, right? Well, our new governer is doing that right now, which cuts the departments budget, which eliminates needed programs and the inmates and their families are the ones to suffer. Why? I'll tell you, whatever the climate of the general public is, thats what will happen. So look around you at election time, see which candidates are pushing what, you'll be very shocked at what you see. You need to be an advocate for your guys, they can't do it from the inside. You should be angry with the men in your life for putting you in this position. You should be angry with the local government for always changing the correctional system to suit their personal beliefs. You should be angry at the judicial system for not dispensing justice equally. Thats right, I think the system is unfair. It doesn't treat everyone equal. But that goes back to political groups and politicans who put pressure on the legal system to better their cause. I could go on about the system but.... . I just hope for the best for you and your family, I really do. So don't beat yourself up, you did nothing wrong. Stay strong.

Caveman

I find the "system" very unsymphathetic when it came to my family. From as far back as I remember the whole correct thing was to practice this placement of your young offenders (my son) in juvenile hall when too young to place in jail. I sometimes want to think this is all a prerequisite to placing him in the adult jail. None-the-less, this son of mine learned what incarceration was all about then. The system taught him how to be under their thumb for awhile only to come out and repeat offenses to end back in there again. Once he learned how to do that without too harsh of consequences, the middle son learned from him then the youngest son is very well groomed, all of them to this system way of entering, serving the time, doing the program, and then of course back out again only to be picked up at some later date for something so absurd I don't even know how they can get by with how they are doing these things without others getting loud about it. I just have bee



n robbed over and over again be it my sons doing and the judicial system, or just them or which ever, I have seen little of any of the guys since they have been over 21 it is scarey. I have now to face a daughter-in-law who is learned incarceration life, and now she is pregnant with a child. Where does it stop? Who ends this crazy world of home-jail-home-jail-probation-home-parole-jail-home??????Its pretty hard to keep up with it all since I have very little moral support from family or most people just don't understand how I've held up this long even though my healthy self has disappeared and I'll probably not get her back anytime soon!

I find the "system" very unsymphathetic when it came to my family. From as far back as I remember the whole correct thing was to practice this placement of your young offenders (my son) in juvenile hall when too young to place in jail. I sometimes want to think this is all a prerequisite to placing him in the adult jail. None-the-less, this son of mine learned what incarceration was all about then. The system taught him how to be under their thumb for awhile only to come out and repeat offenses to end back in there again. Once he learned how to do that without too harsh of consequences, the middle son learned from him then the youngest son is very well groomed, all of them to this system way of entering, serving the time, doing the program, and then of course back out again only to be picked up at some later date for something so absurd I don't even know how they can get by with how they are doing these things without others getting loud about it. I have been robbed over and over again, be it my sons doing, and/or the judicial system, or which ever, I have seen little of any of the guys since they have been over 21. I have now to face a daughter-in-law who is learned incarceration life, and now she is pregnant with a child. Where does it stop? Who ends this crazy world of home-jail-home-jail-probation-home-parole-jail-home??????Well the best answer I can come up with is that MY family can start revaluating themselves like I must do when I run into troubles and pitfalls of life. Not enough money when the bills are due, is not a good enough reason for me to go sell some kind of illegal drug or sell my body to get the money. You see I know the ramifications of my bad behaviour, and I don't go against the law. However they also know, but they go against the law....what is wrong here? Until they realize they will pay that price for their dirty deeds then I cannot blame the system. I will hold the system accountable for what they do to them when they are in their custody, and all of the other important things that follow with that. Its up to that individual, my son, my daughter, to get the cobwebs out of their head and stop this viscious living! This is what they must learn, and practice for there to be peace within.
Its pretty hard to keep up with it all since I have very little moral support from family, and I have fewer friends most people just don't understand and just say something like,"ah, thats too bad the boy is in jail he could help you do that or fix that or take you there or pick you up from there.".... I've held up this long even though my healthy self has disappeared and I'll probably not get her back anytime soon! :argh I have been finding great comfort in writing to each and every one of them while incarcerated, I would not turn my back on them, the love and support that I give them, I know means something to all of them, they tell me so. I feel appreciated and we just have to keep looking towards a brighter direction in our lives....

Amen HapinsWillFoloU I totally agree with you that is why I made the comment about the system you can become used to living the life behind those prison walls not meaning to just not having a choice being taught all the diffrent ways to commt a crime and being shown or even treated like crap. My brother has been busted for drugs when he came out the first time we tried to help him get a job and he tried so hard to get his own place and find a job ,but society would not have it they turned their heads and backs on him he worked at a job making 6.00 $ an hour trying to soppurt a wife and 2 small children. What did he do when he could not feed his children or pay rent he wet back to the one thing that could yes it is wrong yes it is against the law and yes he should have known better but when we talk about the system helping our loved ones while they are locked up It does not help. They come home with a degree from prison might as well not have gotten one. He recieved a 75 year sentence for a drug charge he did not kill, rape or hurt anyone just himself and his family and he got more time than most violent criminals do the system truly sucks. My son revoked his probation because he missed a appointment with his probation officer and did not make a payment and he is now in jail for 3 months he is 14 years old and has excellent grades. He missed a payment because he was scared to tell me he used the money on some c.d. was he wrong for lying oh ya but does he deserve jail time NO! I cry every night for my son more than for my husband or brothers he is just a kid who made a mistake and by putting him in jail is only making it worse

Hey,
It breaks my heart when I hear things like that. I for one would like to see change in the system to help the men when they get out. You are correct when they can learn an easier way to commit new crimes or learn ways around the system for shorter sentences. Thats the idle time that I have been speaking of. I know its hard to keep a positive attitude inside, but they/we all have to keep on trying. We can't give up on them or they will give up on themselves. The system isn't going to change until society changes. Thats where we come in. We have to be active in local government and be heard by the politicians. For most guys prison has become a way of life and they don't want to change but for the guys that do we have to help. We can't let the system stop needed programs because of budget cuts. They have to get more programs to help intergrate the men back into society. Our prison has just started a Windows to Work program. The idea is to help them gain employable job skills so when they get out they are better equiped to join the work force. This is funded by two counties and right now only the guys that are returning to those counties are able to be involved. So far the guys really like it and the staff involved are fired up about it. Only one group has completed the course so we don't have any stats yet. You have to learn how to make the system work for you not fight and complain about it. In a way you have to become a politician, play their own games. I went back to work after 3 weeks and my guys were happy to see me. Kind of blew my mind. Well I guess thats it for now.

Stay strong, Caveman

I feel as though my brother has died. I talk to him almost daily, but it hasn't changed how I feel. My life is so different with him gone. We are both adults and live 10 miles apart, but we have been very close. I feel so bad for his three children. He is a Federal inmate, but has been transferred to a County facility, his visits are behind glass, except for one contact visit a month. His children ages 11, 9, and 3 can only see him once a month, because they wouldn't understand the glass between them and their dad. How do you cope?

The only advice i can offer you is to visit as much as possible, I personally spent two years in a wisconsin prison and my childeren were not allowed to visit me by my ex wife and that just killed me, even behind glass the childern need to keep in contact with their father.

The only advice i can offer you is to visit as much as possible, I personally spent two years in a wisconsin prison and my childeren were not allowed to visit me by my ex wife and that just killed me, even behind glass the childern need to keep in contact with their father.

I can sympathize because my brother is in prison and has been for eight years. It is true that it doesn't get easier. In fact, I think I feel worse now than I did at first. Part of that is probably because I did not believe he would be in for this long. I knew the sentence given him, but it was so excessive I mistakenly believed that the courts would give him relief. So much for believing in the system. It hurts the most at the important moments and knowing that he would be there and wishing so much that he could be. After visiting him I am usually very sad because I wish so much he could leave with me. The visits make me more aware of how much he has missed out on. So much has changed in the world.

Never feel alone.

hi everyone,
i just found this site, i am in your shoes as well, my little brother is in the compound and it has been very hard, i have seen him talked with him and visited him more with in the last year, then i have our whole adult life, but somone has to be there for him, his wife and kids don't have the time for him, but i am sure once he is out, they will want him again, well at least the paycheck. but for the last year, they have not been part of his challenges, nor have then even botherd trying to see him, money that would be the day. he did not hurt anyone, this is the first time he has ever been in trouble with the law, has always held good job, and taken care of his family, but the worest thing is trying to help someone out ( a good deed) just for them to turn someone,s world upside down. the thing that gets me the most, the state he is in, really could give a flying S**t about anyone, you all go to jail. I feel for all of you it has not been an easy time, but so far we have made it. stay strong, i write him alot, and now i have started to send him little laugh line, all the guys in his dorm seem to enjoy these, and wants copies, so if you can send them some, it gives them something to look forward to and something to laugh and smile about.
i wish all of you the best of luck

Wow! After reading these posts I feel lucky that my baby brother took a plea for 3 years on a 1st offense (drugs) in Florida where he seems to be doing well all things considered.

I would have never thought that it would feel like someone died - but it's more like "living dead" - the grief and sorrow from loss is there but he's still "here". My husband and I send lots and lots of letters (I get at least four a week from him) - the $25.00 for 20 minute phone calls have nixed my long distance, so I make arrangemets to talk to him once a week at his parents house where he calls and talks to everyone. I keep a journal, surround myself with friends like we have here that don't judge and know what you're going through - unless someone has actually experienced this - they have no idea.

A book that helped me is called "Family Arrested" by Ann Edenfield (Americana 14.95). Her husband was sent to a federal prison - she had four children when he was incarcerated and wrote this book on surviving/organizing you life when this happens to your family. It's a good start, as she does cover the grief process.

I can only say that "you learn to deal" - it's a choice and it really never stops hurting, but it does get "better" as time goes on and you become more familure with the process and workings of the institution - although just when you think you know the rules they change them - Better is not quite an accurate description - I think "accepting" would be more like it - you might want to look up Edenfield's books and see if it's something that you may be interested in.
Big hugs - God Bless

ariafreeman,
you should post that book in a new thread,there are a lot of people that might that helpful. I am going to check it out. if everthing goes right, little brother we will be picking up Monday Feb. 9,2004 days are going really slow now - thanks stay strong

two more days and a wake up - last night I spoke with him, he stated time is really go by slow now, Can't wait until we can have him back at the dinner table, and mom can relax again.

hi everyone-
it's feels good to know that we are not in this alone!!! i have one brother already in federal prision and the other one awaiting his sentencing(tomorrow 2/13..friday the 13th)..this is such a stressful time for my family-..it is soo hard to see my mother falling apart wondering what she has done wrong..both brothers are drug offenders..does anyone no of any programs that offer support for families???-such as nar-anon? what is one suppose to do?
b

I feel as though my brother has died. I talk to him almost daily, but it hasn't changed how I feel. My life is so different with him gone. We are both adults and live 10 miles apart, but we have been very close. I feel so bad for his three children. He is a Federal inmate, but has been transferred to a County facility, his visits are behind glass, except for one contact visit a month. His children ages 11, 9, and 3 can only see him once a month, because they wouldn't understand the glass between them and their dad. How do you cope?
Dink,

I can certainly relate to you. My brother has been incarcerated since 1992. I miss him so much. I feel as though he died even though he is very much alive. I'm also so scared for him. When he writes me it's hard for me to open his letters because I'm afraid of what he might be going through or dealing with. I know that may sound strange but I can feel his pain and it really hurts to think of him stuck behind those cold unfeeling walls. However my brother is strong and he has survived all these years by holding onto his faith and his love for his family.

Dink,

I just joined this site and your post was the first one I read. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Reading everyone's reply to your post gave me comfort and hope. I have been grieving since 1992 and I've been so consumed with pain all this time. I felt like no one understood what we (my brother and I) are going through. It's so nice to know that I'm not alone. Actually, I'm in very good company.

Joining this site was a blessing in disguise because it gave me a forum for expressing my feelings with people who are like minded and care.

Thanks again.
Honey

Honeyp2k- when you wrote this I knew exactly how you felt -"When he writes me it's hard for me to open his letters because I'm afraid of what he might be going through or dealing with. I know that may sound strange but I can feel his pain and it really hurts to think of him stuck behind those cold unfeeling walls." The pain is unbearable at times and sometimes I have very vivid dreams of him trying to communicate - has anyone else had dreams like that?

Bscothch55, I completely understand and can relate to what you are saying. Both my brothers are in the system. One will get out in March 2004. The other got 25 to life and to me that's like a death sentence. I treat each one differently. The one who is getting out in March, I do nothing to help him get comfortable in prison. I serve him tough love because I want him to feel the pain so that he will never go back again. He has 5 kids who need him and I want him to be around for them.

My brother who is serving 25 to life, I do whatever I can for him because he's in hell and there may be no return from it other than death. He doesn't ask me for much and when he can he sends me money to purchase what he needs. When he does ask for something he's always apologetic because he hates to have to ask. It's hard for me to read his letters because I know he's going through hell. I know that he is hurting because I can feel his pain. He tries to conceal his pain but I know he's hurting very badly. He's in hell and the condition under which he lives is deplorable. He's really into healthy living. However the prison system does nothing to help him with his declining dental hygiene or a skin condition he had prior to go into prison. I know these men are seen as convict but they are still human beings and should be treated with some level of respect.

You wrote, "I stand behind my brother 100%. It's like I too am doing time and will always be." I can relate to that statement. I've been doing time for 12 years and I'll continue doing time as long as he is behind those walls. The pain I feel is unimaginable. Letters from him fill me with mixed feelings. I'm glad to hear from him but I'm scared that he might be writing to tell me he is hurt. Once he told me that he didn't know how much more of prison life he could take. He said the only way out was to take an overdose of heroin. This is coming from a man that never took illegal drugs in his life. This is from man that I consider to be mentally strong. This is from a man who goes through great lengths to give me strength and inspire me to new heights. He also said he would not harm himself and he will continue the good fight. However there are men in prison who do kill themselves in this manner. It's sad.

I'm going to see my brother for the first time in 8 years this summer. He was about 15 hours from me but he's since been moved to a place that's a bit closer. However the last time I saw him I wanted to break him out myself. It hurt to leave him in prison. Bscotch55, you are right. The pain is one feels is undescribable.

Take care of yourself and thank God for this forum. Now, I don't feel so all alone.

Honeyp2k

Hi DML,

You wrote, "The pain is unbearable at times and sometimes I have very vivid dreams of him trying to communicate - has anyone else had dreams like that?"

I have very vivid dreams about my brother as well. I have usually dream about him coming to visit the family for the weekend. That dream usually leaves me angry, sad, and depressed because it's a constant reminder of what I lost. I'd actually rather have a nightmare because when you wake up from a nightmare you are relieved that it was just a dream.

Honeyp2k

i know how you all feel my brother has been sent to west tn state pen and i have not heaed from him in 3 weeks one letter i write him daily and i call there often .all he is in for is bad checks no hard crime looking at 2 years. he and i are real close no parents they passed away early so he is all i have this is his first offense and it is driving me crazy i pray for him daily. if anyone knows anything about this place please email me kc33702003@yahoo.com my prayers are with everyone on here

my brother is doing 25 years right now, he's been in there for almost 6yrs now. he's in for murder,(a child) the girl he was involved with at the time, was bipolar and had other mental issues, and also abused her 3 kids. the state has taken them away from her several times and gave them back to her(before she met my brother). one day she hit her little girl and left to go to the store, my brother was there watching the kids until she got back, he said he noticed after awhile she was real quiet, so he start calling her to come here, she didn't answer so he went in her room, and she was lying on the floor, he thought she fell asleep on the floor or something, so he put his ear to her mouth to see if she was breathing, and she wasn't, so he tried to do cpr on her, calling the police while doing it. the police came and started asking what happened and everything, so he told them, the mom was still not back from the store yet, when she got back, the police was there still asking my brother questions, and waiting for the coroner to get there, she had no type of remorse what so ever, and they took the other two kids to a childrens shelter. they arrested my brother and her they put them both in seperate rooms for questioning. anyway she calls me, after all this and says"alicia's dead" (that was her daughters name) i said "what" !! then she said it again. (not crying or anything) and i asked how? she said that she died from natural causes.but she was telling the police that he did it, she wasn't there!! the police let her go, and kept my brother,they never did let him go.about a month later,they ended up going to court and stuff. they only took away her parental rights and charged her with neglect, and failure to protect. they charged him with 2nd degree murder, because they found his hand prints on her. hello he was doing cpr!!!
there was nothing he could do or say to make the police, courts, judge, hear what he had to say, they slapped him with it because of his past record, more like a 3rd strike.
he's always been locked up for drugs, but never anything like this.

before all of this he was doing really good for himself, my whole family was proud of him. he hasn't been locked up for about 6yrs. he had a decent job, stayed out of trouble, and never went back to selling drugs.

i never wanted to talk about this, but i just need to vent. i feel so much better since i shared this with you all.
thanks for listening.

brownshuga,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I understand and can relate to how you feel. My brother is serving a similar sentence. He's been in prison since 1992 or 12 years. I miss him more than words can express. My heart goes out to you and all siblings that have love ones behind bars. Hang in there.

Honey

I too have a brother that is in prison, the Estelle unit in Huntsville Tx. He was put in a county jail in 94 and swithched to many places throuhg out Tx. I was younger when he went in and still in my heart I believe he is innocent, so does our mom and my other siblings. Even though I write to him every day and send him pictures and money when time allows it it still isnt the same. He just "celebrated" 10 years and has atleast 20 to 30 to go before he even sees the world as we do. I keep him posted on what goes on in our society so he wont feel so left out. I try to think of it as him living in a different state but when it comes to visiting him then reality hits. It is an emotional time between him and my loved ones. We talk on a listened to telephone and only see each other through a thick glass. We used to be able to sit outside at picnic tables and see each other through chicken wire cubicales. Since he has been pecked for so many things that is the only way we can communicate now. Even though it is not the same as being able to give on last huge before they call him back in and we have to go home without him, I think of it as hearing his voice over of a phone and seeing him through a thick glass is better than nothing. I keep him in my heart and thoughts and prayers daily and I know one day he will come home to us.
I hope this letter doesn't hurt anyone in any way and hang in there to all of u who feel the same as I do. It seems that we are not alone anymore.

Hi Dink,

I know exactly how you feel. I sometimes think that this prison thing is worse than death because it goes on and on. I feel that death has some finalilty to it and after time the pain sometimes lessens. This just is sort of like being in limbo. My husband has several years to go...we write to each other every day and I go see him every weekend...Phones? Can't afford it but maybe once a week and for only a few minutes. I am very thankful he is alive cuz he could have been dead easily, cuz he was using again. So I am thankful it was not death but his absence sometimes, the quietness it feels like death, yes. Someday it will be over, but for now all we can do is support, support, support, and pray, pray, pray! God Bless you and yours!

Michelle Rae