My Sweetie IS an alcoholic....he drank like a fish everyday before he was locked up. I HATED seeing him that way, but since he was with his wife (at the time) I couldn't do or say anything about it. He's been sober for almost 4 years now. However, he told me that the first thing that he wants when he comes home is a bottle of liquor. I told him that I wouldn't buy it, and if he's done without it for this long, he can stay off it.

He tells me that he's not going to drink like last time--just only on occasion. Can a alcoholic drink occasionally? I truly don't think so. Lately, it seems that the only thing he's looking forward to is getting that bottle...he talks about it all the time. I know that I can't keep him from it...he wants to have to do it for himself...and yet, he's in denial of his alcoholism. His drinking is the only thing that worries me about his release. I wrote him a letter last week telling him how I truly felt about it, but I feel helpless in this aspect of our relationship. Any advice?

Denise,

Do you go to Al-Anon? No, an alcoholic can't drink at all cause sooner or later it ends up being right back to where they left off if not worse. Ths disease progresses while they are sober. I would strongly recommend Al-Anon... Best wishes! ((hugs))

Deb

Denise... the thing is they can't get help and get sober until they accept that they have a problem and are ready for help. It doesn't sound like Billy is anywhere near that if he's so excited about getting a bottle when he gets out. It's good that he's been sober four years - excellent, even - but it's all going to be for naught if and when he takes another drink. And, unfortunately, he won't be able to and cannot get sober FOR you, or for anyone else but HIMSELF. Only when he's ready to get help and get sober and stay sober for himself is he going to be able to beat this thing.

I've been struggling with and dealing with it for years - booze and drugs - with Brian, see my "Drank his parole hearing away..." thread in this forum for the latest on that. Brian's done really great in his sobriety these last couple of years - out of 737 days, 732 of them have been clean and sober. Unfortunately that is not enough because if it's not 737, there is still a problem.

And Deb's right, you can learn A LOT from Al-Anon... I strongly urge you to check it out!!!

In the meantime, we'll be here anytime you want to talk or have questions...

Lys

This is VERY sound advice you've been given by Deb and Lysbeth!! Al-Anon has been a blessing...if you're uncomfortable attending a meeting, why not give some of their literature a try and see if it helps?! Many of their pamphlets can be found throughout the community, or you can send away for some by writing, Al-Anon Family Groups, P.O. Box 182, Madison Square Station, New York, NY 10159-0182. Should you want something more in depth than info sheets, try reading the book "Courage to Change: One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II". Best of wishes to you...

The old-timers where I got sober often said that being dry isn't the same as being sober. When you're sober, you're working on the solution. If you're just dry, you're still in the problem. He's been dry for 4 years, evidently, rather than sober for all that time. An alcoholic can just not drink for a long time sometimes, but if we don't change our thinking and our way of living, then all we are is dry. That means that given the right opportunity, we're going to be right back drinking again, as bad as ever and often worse.

My Sweetie IS an alcoholic....he drank like a fish everyday before he was locked up. I HATED seeing him that way, but since he was with his wife (at the time) I couldn't do or say anything about it. He's been sober for almost 4 years now. However, he told me that the first thing that he wants when he comes home is a bottle of liquor. I told him that I wouldn't buy it, and if he's done without it for this long, he can stay off it.

He tells me that he's not going to drink like last time--just only on occasion. Can a alcoholic drink occasionally? I truly don't think so. Lately, it seems that the only thing he's looking forward to is getting that bottle...he talks about it all the time. I know that I can't keep him from it...he wants to have to do it for himself...and yet, he's in denial of his alcoholism. His drinking is the only thing that worries me about his release. I wrote him a letter last week telling him how I truly felt about it, but I feel helpless in this aspect of our relationship. Any advice?


Drank all the time before he was arrested and did 3 1/2 years..i know that they drank while inside but i am certain it wasn't a lot. couldn't risk being caught. He was released in Dec 2004. The night i picked him up off the bus i could already smell the alcohol on his breath. he had said to me well, if i would have picked him up from the gates he wouldn't of found a bar along the ride home. *yhea ok*
He drank the first three night after he was home. Just like before. But this time it made me angry cause this is why he went away in the first place. Kept saying he had it under control. well he did for a lil while. He would go a week or so and then have a few beers. Well after a month of being home and a binge time of drinking three days in a row. he got violent with me something he's never done. Never raised a fist to me nothing of the sorts. He blames it on prison..said he messed him up.. bad..
well long story short i called 911 it got so bad one night he was so polluted. he could hardly stand straight and look my in the eyes. well the PO violated him he blew a 2.7 and is now going into the Willard drug and alcohol treatment for 120 days
something we both know he needs...

i wish you luck..alcoholism isn't something that ever goes away. there's always that lil thing in thieir mind that needs a drink. It's a battle daily for recovery.

no, they can not drink at any giving time. I am sorry that you and him both have to go through this. Most of them seem to think that they can control that issue, when in reality, it controls them

AND...only THEY are responsible for their recovery. You cannot do it for them, force them to want it, or kill yourself trying to make it come true. We have found...changing the way we were living...no more bars...no more clubs. We find ways to have fun, and we enjoy each other...completely sober. It's such a blessing to not worry about him drinking/driving any more, but there is always that part in my mind....that worries some day, he will feel the nag and drink again. You take it LITERALLY...one day at a time.

Take care of you...and don't kill yourself being responsible for them.....

kath

Denise, I'll bak up what the others have said and emphasize that he's got to see alcohol as poisonous. I was sober 15 yrs, went out again for 3, and in those 3 damn near undid all I'd accomplished in the 15. Since recovering my sobriety I've recognized an important (if obvious) thing: staying sober isn't like a diet. If I've lost 25 lbs, then go on a vacation and gain 5 back, I'm still down a net 20 lbs with only 5 to go to get to where I was. But if I drink for one day after a month of not drinking, I'm not set back by one day; IT ALL RESETS TO ZERO! I don't understand why or how, but I sure know that it does. And it never turns out to have been worth it. Good luck & you're both in my thoughts. Peace, Ralph

Thank you all for your kind words and advice...I know that I can't do it for him, just as any other issues we face...HE has to do it for himself and I will stand by him thru his struggles. Thanks, again!

One of the tenets of CoDA [Codependents Anonymous] is [in relationship to you and the addict's disease], "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it." I live by these words expecially when I'm beginning to feel "I am enough/I SHOULD be enough/I have the answers"......

I'm an alcoholic (practicing) all the advise you've been given is absolutely correct! The main thing that you and your mate HAVE to do is make a "decision" not to live like your were or are living, and he has to decide NOT to drink any more and do it a day at a time. You can't stop him from drinking though, he has to do that. But in order for you to have a life and let him do what he has to do, you will have to go to alanon. You have to make that decision for yourself. Knowing what NEEDS to be done and doing it are two different things. I drank for 26 years, in and out of treatment centers, in and out of AA and occationally in and out of jail (never any real trouble). In 1991, with my first DWI (2 year probation), I was at the point that I KNEW I couldn't stop drinking. I also knew that I couldn't fulfill the terms of my probation and still drink. I wanted to run away, leave the state, die, it didn't matter, because I knew I couldn't stop. But, where was I going to go, that I wouldn't be right there. I was not and am not a Bible thumper (even though in the past year I've read it and understand more than I ever have before) any way, June 17, 1991, while walking down the street, needing a drink, no cigarettes, no money, no car and no strength left to fight it anymore, I ask God (that's what I choose to call my highpower) or maybe I told Him, that He would have to do SOMETHING because I couldn't. I walked about 2 more feet and saw something shining on the ground, it was a quarter (phone calls were a quarter back then), I still get cold chills, when I think about it. I called my Mother (believe me, she had had it too) she agreed to pick me up one more time, relunctantly. But that time I knew and believed in my heart that I didn't want to drink any more. And I didn't for 9 years and 10 months. In the beginning (after cold turkeying it) I went to meetings daily, some days several times a day. They "suggest" 90 meetings in 90 days, I probably went to 200 meetings the first 90 days I was dry. My now ex, was in prison for the third time, after he got out, he didn't drink and he didn't attend meetings, because HE wasn't an alcoholic. He also always had something to say about me going, so eventually it became easier to not go (knowing that this was a life and death situation for me) than to argue. Well, we all know that if you're not in Recovery your in Relapse. Alot of things were going on in our lives, ie; death, sickness, gambling (we tend to replace one addiction for another) among other things. I was getting sicker and sicker. I had to have some relief, but my thinking wasn't right, or was it? I knew what I needed (AA), but, chose the booze instead. Within 2 weeks I was hit (in my new van at the time less than 7000 miles, paid for), less than 6 months in, I had my second DWI, three months after that I had a PI and possession of a controlled substance, a month later an open container (6 mo probation and a 300.00 ticket), a few weeks after that I wrecked my van twice in the same day. By the end of the first year, I'd more or less had it. I had lost my job of ten years, spent every penny I had (including my 401k). I got 2 yrs probation on the DWI, two months later before I could be sentenced on the drug charge, I was arrested on another drug charge, prossession with intent to deliver, they locked me up, seized my van (they still have it march 5 will be a year, I still have yet to go to court to try to get that back). I didn't get out of jail (no bond), I was sentenced to 6 mos for the first drug charge, and ONLY by the grace of God they ran it CC. I got out last Aug '03. I went to meetings a few times after I got out (it was suggested I go straight from prison to an AA group, then attend a meeting that night) but somehow got my priorities fowled up. See, all the knowledge in the world won't keep you sober, action is the key. I live in fear on a daily basis. I hate to go to sleep at night, because I know when I wake up that the first thing I have to have is a drink, and after that drink, I don't know what is going to happen next. I do know, that I never want to go back to prison, but what is this I'm living? I'm not locked up, but I'm my own prisoner, I'm a prisoner to King Alcohol, a prisoner to the very thing that seems to give me a little relief, as it slowly kills me. Sorry, about the length, but I might add, my brother just got out also, he was never going to drink and so on and so on, but refused to go to a meeting the first day he got out, before dark he was drinking, fighting, broke my patio door. He's been in prison all but about 5 years since he was 19 years old. He's 48. It has to end. I'm tired.

Well, I know how you feel. Unfortunately,my husband is a drug addict and obviously not ready to end that lifestyle even after two rounds in prison. The first time he got out, he talked about getting a bottle of liquer and did. Then he proceded to get high and ended up violating his parole and going back in. Now I think he is using again and don't have a clue what to do about it. Sorry, I know my story doesn't help, but just know that you are not alone. I know where you are coming from with your feelings and wish and pray that things work out better for you and Billy.

I can totally sympathize with all of you as my husband is in prison as a direct result of alcohol. There is "something" in him that makes him believe that he is the most "cunning" individual on the face of the earth when he is plastered. We were "lucky" that he only got 3 years, but he has already convinced himself that he can drink when he gets out and not overdo it! I'm absolutely terrified of what will happen, especially since I know I have no control over it. He believes that he is "strong" enough to not allow himself to end up like he did before, but any of us that have had an alcohol problem in our life know better. He IS very strong willed, but refuses to see that alcohol is stronger. Our relationship is very rocky right now as I'm not sure I can face seeing him live like he did before, especially knowing what the consequences will be for him. This time I decided to "stick" by him, but don't know if I can continue to do so with his "decision" that he can drink "reasonably". It hurts so much everytime I go to see him or he calls because I can't get through to him. I don't want him to ever have to be locked up again, but know it will happen if he drinks again. I know I have to put myself first, but can't seem to find the strength (yet) to walk away from him. When he was first locked up, it seemed as though he saw everything so clearly, now, after a little more than a year all that has changed. I keep praying that he will re-evaluate in the time he has left and realize that drinking (and drugs) are not going to do anything but put him back where he is, and know that if he doesn't I will have to make a decision that I dread. MY sobriety has become too important to me! My thoughts and prayers are with all of you that are also facing this nightmare!