I've never posted in this forum before but I have had some disturbing things happen with my boyfriend that are really making me wonder. He has gotten extremely angry with me a few times when I missed his phone calls, and the last time we talked he told me he thought one of the shirts I wore at visitation showed too much. (Like they would let me in if it did). He then said if there was something he didn't think was "appropriate for me to wear that he would ask me to get rid of it but he wasn't beyond throwing it away. I think this is pretty controlling behavior but is it possibly a sign of future violence?

I've never posted in this forum before but I have had some disturbing things happen with my boyfriend that are really making me wonder. He has gotten extremely angry with me a few times when I missed his phone calls, and the last time we talked he told me he thought one of the shirts I wore at visitation showed too much. (Like they would let me in if it did). He then said if there was something he didn't think was "appropriate for me to wear that he would ask me to get rid of it but he wasn't beyond throwing it away. I think this is pretty controlling behavior but is it possibly a sign of future violence?

Controlling behavior like how this sounds, in my opinion, is always a bad sign. I don't know if it will lead to violence, but my bet is on yes. It may take a while, but if he wants to control you with things like this (which sound totally silly to me) then what else is he going to try to force you to do when he comes home?

Just a side note here, but where does he get off telling you what to do? Like he has ANY say! He's in prison for crying out loud!! My husband always tells me to do stuff and whether I want to or not, I always tell him, "You can't tell me what to do!" He always says, "Yeah I can!" And then I'm like, "Pfft, what are you gonna do about it? You're in prison!" And then he's like, "Oh yeah.." lol It's more of a joke. But honestly, I hate being told what to do. Nobody tells me what to do - I am a grown woman and I can make decisions for myself, whether they be right or wrong, they are mine. Same thing with my husband - I can tell him what to do or not to do but the fact of the matter is, he's going to do what HE wants to do and I don't have any say in the matter. I married him and that's just the way ot is. We accept each other the way we are. End of story.

Sorry to go off like that. I think that if your guy doesn't have respect for the choices that you make - trusting that you can make choices for yourself - well then, he sucks. And as far as it leading to violence.. Well look at it this way.. If he doesn't get what he wants, it will frustrate him and keep frustrating him and that is a slippery slop headed toward violence, in my opinion. That is, if he can't control his own emotions. In my experience, someone who tries to control other people have problems with controlling themselves. And even if you do change the way you dress or whatever like he is telling you, there will always be something else "wrong" with you that he wants you to change or do differently. You can't win in a situation like that.

I'm sorry - I am just really sensitive about these kinds of things after being in an abusive relationship for 5 years. It took a couple of years for him to be violent with me, but eventually it happened. And when it did, it was all my fault, he said, because I wasn't being a good enough wife for him. The truth was that he didn't deserve me. I know that now.. and now I have a man who does deserve me (sometimes I wonder if I deserve him!! lol)

Just please remember your worth. Okay, I'm done rambling now..

Yep, trying to dictate what you wear and getting angry because you are not always right by the phone are both bad signs.

It may or may not lead to actual, physical violence, but abuse does not have to be physical.... Would you really want to spend your life with someone who feels he has the right to edit your wardrobe?
What happens when he's out and you want to go visit a friend or go shopping or even go to work? Will you feel okay about it if he calls 5 times an hour and demands to see the reciepts, so he can be sure you were where you say you were? Or sets limits on how you can spend your money?

If he's trying now to control your behavior, I can see a future that includes your e-mail and caller ID being examined, your regular mail opened and phone calls being listened to.... while you are being careful to wear, eat and even think (or at least say out loud) only that of which he approves.

when a guy is in prison... his entir elife is being controlled and sometimes they try to compensate by attempting to control the one thing his "jailers" have no sway over... us. I am not saying that his trying to control you is harmless or right... I am only offering possible insight as to why. Also, your not getting his calls after he waited in line and all does rather hurt their pride and is very frustrating. Imagine having to slink away from the phone in shame after only seconds at the jack... after waiting sometimes an hour or better in line. Everybody knows your people either ain't there or not answering. It is embarassing to say the least. Then piled on top of all his other frustrations... he blows up. May not be entirely mature... but in my opinion understandable. My point is... sometimes talk like that is just talk. I would say the best indicator of his propensity for violence or controlling behaviors would be how he acted with you in the street. For those who are MWI... is it possible to talk to a past girlfriend of his? or someone who knows him well? sister? brother? mother? friend? ask them what their opinion is about him and listen carefully to what they tell you. Good luck and God Bless... just don't be so quick to judge him as an abuser... until you know for sure.

You need to think about what his character was like before he went to prison. If there's a natural streak of violence, then I'd bet pretty heavily on that being in your future. If he was never an angry/violent/controlling person before, then you might have a good chance. But you've got to be scrupulous in your analysis, allowing no excuses for any behavior you have to think about in connection with this.

NOT GOOD! It's in the personality I think...you know narcissim, svhizotypal..you know what I mean there are about 8/9 of them..not got them to hand but would be a good idea to look it up. Other than that, I think his controlling behaviour is very worrying...the next thing that usually happens, is they make you feel like insecure about yourself..or make comments that make you mistrust your own instincts..making you more dependent on them...and in MY opinion..based on MY experiences..thats when it goes a step further...then comes the crying "I don't know what's wrong with me..I need help..please don't leave me..I need you" all that bollocks.

5 years this year, I am recovered froman abusive relationship and vowed the day I walked away it would never happen again. Anyone that 'needs' you NEON LIGHTS WARNING SIGN...relationships are supposed to be enriching 'wanting' is a positive 'needing' is not.

when a guy is in prison... his entir elife is being controlled and sometimes they try to compensate by attempting to control the one thing his "jailers" have no sway over... us. I am not saying that his trying to control you is harmless or right... I am only offering possible insight as to why. Also, your not getting his calls after he waited in line and all does rather hurt their pride and is very frustrating. Imagine having to slink away from the phone in shame after only seconds at the jack... after waiting sometimes an hour or better in line. Everybody knows your people either ain't there or not answering. It is embarassing to say the least. Then piled on top of all his other frustrations... he blows up. May not be entirely mature... but in my opinion understandable.
This type of behavior is not understandable. It's the behavior of a controlling person. Regardless of how long he has waited to call, he has no right to blow up because there's no answer.
My guy calls everyday he can. He knows most of the time I'm not going to pick up because UM-I HAVE A LIFE. When I do pick up, he's happy to talk to me no frustration or anger. That's a normal relationship.

Ladysunshine75....what you are descibing is the first phase in the cycle of violence. Yes, this is a sign of future violence. Been there, done that and the behavior you are describing is how it started.

This type of behavior is not understandable. It's the behavior of a controlling person. Regardless of how long he has waited to call, he has no right to blow up because there's no answer.
My guy calls everyday he can. He knows most of the time I'm not going to pick up because UM-I HAVE A LIFE. When I do pick up, he's happy to talk to me no frustration or anger. That's a normal relationship.

Ladysunshine75....what you are descibing is the first phase in the cycle of violence. Yes, this is a sign of future violence. Been there, done that and the behavior you are describing is how it started.

Well I agree with you Griegito, it can be really frustrating. They have things that they got through on a DAILY basis that can be life altering if they make the wrong decision...something so simple as walking to close to the next man or being bumped without saying excuse me...That's like us out here in the free world having a bad day and they call and get the backlash of how were feeling...Yes when your married, you take things off one another and I'm not saying abuse, but everyone goes through the ropes..

And onesweetie I was under the impression when you marry a person you become their life and he becomes yours and the I's, Mines,Yours, turn into We, Ours, etc...It sounds a bit selfish to me when one spouse tells the other...Um I HAVE A LIFE...what if the shoes were reversed???

If a man in prison cannot control his nastiness, then he's not going to last long there; and if he doesn't control it toward the woman holding him down, then that's not going to last long either.

I so deplore allowing the inmate to abuse others just because he's there. In all probability, he was like that before, and it was excusable (for whatever reason), but when the contact is limited you begin to realize it more.

Some people come out of prison better, some worse. Ho Chi Minh, Nelson Mandela and his entire coterie, Martin Luther King - they all did something with their prison time (in conditions sometimes far worse than those in the US today). Personally I know several who came out with better understanding of themselves and how to manage their own worse behaviors. And I know one who came out totally unchanged.

All of which is to say that he doesn't HAVE to be nasty; he chooses to be, and that may be the best disclosure of his character.

A marriage certificate is not a deed of title- nothing can give one adult the right to control another- The 13th Amendment put paid in the U.S. to the idea that one person can own another and there's nothing at all selfish about one partner going about their usual business or even enjoying some new interests and activities when the other is, for whatever reason, absent. Being married does not mean being chained to the phone, just in case it rings.

And the OP is not even married to the guy she's asking about.

I Never meant to imply that controlling or abusing are either okay or excusable. I just try to tender my reactions to a man I have a relationship with who is in prison for a long time. I try not to over react to anything... although, not always easy... i just try to see his point of view as well as mine. I make concessions and scrifices for him as I just want to make his "time" easier... that's what I signed on for. anyone else should follow their own gut regardless of the advice given. God Bless all.

That makes sense... in the post I was responding to, it came across (to me, anyway) as though you were endorsing the idea that it's acceptable for one spouse to control the other.
I'm all for each spouse being considerate of the other:thumbsup:

IMO these are red flags for sure. It IS ok to miss his phone calls...life doesnt stop out here just because they are in prison. And there are going to be times when you cant be home...cant get to the phone...whatever. If he is already telling you about your clothes and getting angry at you for such things like phone calls and wardrobe...these are definitely things to think about before you stay in a long term relationship with this man.

Yes...being in a relationship is about being considerate to each others feelings...but do you think he is being considerate to your feelings as he gets mad because you didnt pick up his phone call? What if you were in the hospital? Just speaking hypothetically....and there was NO way to be there to answer the phone...is that being understanding? Supportive? Loving? Not in my eyes. JMO though

Well I agree with you Griegito, it can be really frustrating. They have things that they got through on a DAILY basis that can be life altering if they make the wrong decision...something so simple as walking to close to the next man or being bumped without saying excuse me...That's like us out here in the free world having a bad day and they call and get the backlash of how were feeling...Yes when your married, you take things off one another and I'm not saying abuse, but everyone goes through the ropes..

And onesweetie I was under the impression when you marry a person you become their life and he becomes yours and the I's, Mines,Yours, turn into We, Ours, etc...It sounds a bit selfish to me when one spouse tells the other...Um I HAVE A LIFE...what if the shoes were reversed???

Sweetie you're wrong. Couples that last forever are couples that can accept and respect that their spouse has friends, hobbies--a life. Do your research. As for me, I have 5 kids in sports, a career and I'm finishing my master's degree. If my guy can't accept that I have a life other than sitting by the phone waiting for him to call then he's not the one for me. Thankfully my guy accepts and respects all that I do for "US." My guy also has a life--he may be in prison but he studies, works, and writes his family. I'm very proud of him for all he does and I respect and accept him for what he's doing for "US." I'm glad he's not a controlling man that thinks he's my entire life. Am I being selfish? NO, I'm being realistic.

Sweetie you're wrong. Couples that last forever are couples that can accept and respect that their spouse has friends, hobbies--a life. Do your research. As for me, I have 5 kids in sports, a career and I'm finishing my master's degree. If my guy can't accept that I have a life other than sitting by the phone waiting for him to call then he's not the one for me. Thankfully my guy accepts and respects all that I do for "US." My guy also has a life--he may be in prison but he studies, works, and writes his family. I'm very proud of him for all he does and I respect and accept him for what he's doing for "US." I'm glad he's not a controlling man that thinks he's my entire life. Am I being selfish? NO, I'm being realistic.

Good for you!!

My soon-to-be-ex husband started out this same exact way, and did up until I got the nerve to leave. Because I wasnt working he naturally paid for the cell phone bill, so his arguement always was "why do I pay for a phone you dont answer". It didnt matter what the reasoning was that I didnt answer, the reply from him was always "keep it on you then:. Sorry, but if I have to get up and pee, I'm not always going to remember to grab my phone and take it with me, just incase he called. Not to mention, it was always about the wardrobe too. Like an idiot, I listened to him when he said dont wear this or dont wear that, "I dont want my friends seeing that" or whatever excuse he had at the time. So, I took pride in the fact that I actually had a guy who liked going clothes shopping with me, and instead of disappearing while I shopped like most men, he would help me pick out clothing. But to my demise, that was only so he could control what I had to wear. Boy, the lessons we learn later on down the road!