After 26 year of marriage and living with my alcoholic husband who has always been a pleasant sort of goofy drunk, he finally signed up for a program. About a week before his therapy was to begin I came home to find him drunk. Out of the blue he just smacked me on the back of the head. I had told him that if he ever struck me I would call 911. When I was trying to do so he snatched the cordless phone from my hands. I'd managed to yell out our address before the battery of the phone fell out. Unsure whether my call had gone through I ran to the corded phone in another room. It got dragged across the floor we got tangled up in the cord, he had me pinned to the floor & I was screaming "Help - my husband is attacking me." BAM. The call had gotten through and the cops were banging on our door. I was terribly shaken and really freaked out. As the woman officer talked to me just inside the apartment door I heard one of the male officers say to my husband, "We're gonna take you down to OUR house until you sober up". They very hurriedly told me to come with another officer to the precinct. Then from there they whisked me to the DA's office. Where I feel I was coerced by an ADA and the female officer. 1st they wanted me to sign papers pertaining to a felony. I started crying and said that I couldn't do that. They just kept saying over & over how he could have killed me. I did sign some sort of form "State of NY, Domestic Violence, Family Offense" form. I vaguely remember the ADA mentioning an Order of Protection - when I asked for an explanation I was told that it was for MY protection and that I could have it removed. The next day when I called the DA's office to find out what was going on I was told that either that day or the next an ADA would be assigned to me and I could have the Order of Protection removed then. Lied to about just keeping him until he was sober, lied to about me being able to lift the Order of Protection (twice) and then to top it off I received a letter from the assigned ADA stating that "with out my assistance in the case, the Order of Protection would be dropped as would the case. THEN when I met with her - showed her the letter with her signature, told her I would not be cooperating and wanted my husband to come home she told me, "That's not what that means"..... Lies, Lies, Lies ..... How can I get this to end?? :angry:

I'm only going to be able to guess, because once I had a protective order I didn't want it removed . . . but I also want to add that you have lived with an alcoholic who has suddenly become violent, but you want him home - do you think anything has changed that would keep you from getting hurt again?

Not likely, and that's why it's hard to remove POs.

Until each of you has gone through a bit of counseling, I would suspect that no-one will be interested in either your protestations of having been lied to or your husband's presumed "OMG I'm so sorry, it'll never happen again", because they've heard all that before, but it rarely is true. And the usual result of listening and believing is that the police would have to be at your house yet again, usually having to deal with worse injuries than the first time.

So take a little time, get a little therapy, and then you might be able to get the order modified.

Nim is, as usual, quite correct... As frustrating and frightening as all of this is, it really is for your protection.... and you do need protection. You were assaulted in your home by someone who, previously, could not be ordered out of the home and the authorities have seen too many situations that escalated wildly out of control- Domestic Violence is a statistically significant cause of death for women in this country- a leading cause of death for some groups.
I prefer over-reaction on the part of law enforcement to the underreaction that used to be the norm in DV matters.
Assuming that you've given the facts accurately, I think I'd like to see your husband get a thorough examination by a good doctor- abrupt changes in behavior can sometimes be the symptom of a physical or neurological problem and if he really was a cheerful, goofy drunk all those years, I'm concerned about what might have caused such a change.... but IF this marriage is salvageable, you must both take steps to ensure that it can return to being violence free, you cannot just go on as though this ugly set of events did not take place or pretending that hope alone can prevent another incident..... and do urge your husband's lawyer to urge him to see a good physician.

Let me prefice what i'm about to say with, i realize that my opinion on the removal of a protective order is in the minority on this board. But your situation sounds very similar to mine. They threw statistics and fear at me when I was already in a shocked state of mind. His violence toward me was totally out of character and it was the first, last, and only time my ex ever did what he did but unfortunately in my situation it was so severe that the damage was done. In the state of California the state presses charges, not the victim, which prevents the manipulator form manipulating the victim into dropping the charges then getting killed by the man, which used to happen all the time. Lied to..... I'm going through something similar but in Los Angeles. In California i've been advised, through internet research, seeing as how few people want to help me with this, to file form cr165 with the court. Maybe there is a similar form in NY. I also messaged a woman who is going through something similar out here and had success in getting it lifted. She had to talk to the DA, the Prosecutor, & the Judge in her man's case just to get the protective order lifted to visit him in jail. To include with my cr165 form, that I have to go down to the court house to file, I've also written a statement to attach about how, after counseling and months to process, I no longer feel he is a threat, he has absolutely taken responsibility for his actions and is getting help for his issues, and has not once violated the restraining order. I was totally coerced into getting the 3 year permanent restraining order by the DV people, the police, the prosecutor, and the victims rights advocate (who btw was an awful abusive lady herself) However, in my case the temporary emergency protective order was necessary and enough, at the time, I did fear for my life, my incident resulted in PTSD which I have gotten counseling for. He did plead guilty and is getting help, as he knows he is wrong and totally f-ed up his life. Now, after much counseling and DV programs I am in a rational state of mind and I want the order off. While personally i will never be his girlfriend again, he is my friend, and we have been thought a lot as both lovers and best friends, the lover/significant other part he forfitted when he did what he did, but, we all make mistakes, and as my friend, I would like the right to be there for him and his family in case of emergency. He does have serious heath problems and I would hate to have to stay away should he go back to the hospital for his health issues and then die. This is a really real possibility. Fingers crossed I am able to get it lifted. In my opinion they really need to amend the law to add a shorter protective order giving people the option of a 3 month protective order with the option to either renew it for a longer term when it gets close to the 3 months to be done or not renew it. Check out forms to file in NY and write a letter to the judge in your husbands case about your situation to attach with the form. Be sure to include the restraining order number etc. Go to the court house where he was convicted and talk to a clerk about where to go and who to file it with. The charges can't be dropped as they are levied by the State of NY but the order can, it just takes a lot of work on your part. I have to agree that counseling on both your parts is something to look into as well. Good luck.

I am baffled every time I see a post such as this. Years ago, when I went through this, the laws were quite different and basically a man could beat his wife or girlfriend, put her in the hospital,whatever, and it was all just no big deal. Now there are laws in place to protect women and so many would prefer not to be protected! WHY?

What do you hope to gain by having no protection against a man who has already committed a violent act toward you? Can you please educate me?

Because maybe I am a bit nuts, but when my ex pulled a gun on me and told me that I would never see my son again if I did not do exactly as he said.......... I would have paid money for protection. I would have done anything to prevent my 2 year old from watching his mother get pummeled by his daddy. I would have done anything other than sleep in the car because I was terrified he would show up again and knife me or his son instead of the screens!

I begged cops to stop him. Back then they told me not to "antagonize him". I was told not to let him get too out of control because I was a 20 minute ETA and could bleed to death while they were on the way to the house. I was told to always remember his rights too when it came to our son and the house that we jointly owned. I was actually told by police that if he wanted to ruin his 50% of the property, it was his right!

26 police reports AFTER and order for protection in less than one year, and nothing was done. Broken ribs, broken jaw, poisoned dog, screaming baby and no one would help! He Jammed my head into the fireplace while my son was sitting there and as he did so he promised to kill me on the spot, and at that moment, I was literally praying for a cop!

He also called me at work, told me he was coming in by helicopter and would shoot me on the helipad in front of my co-workers and the patient..... I called the cops and they came and waited for him to "act up" in front of them. Since he did not, he flew back to his house of horrors and left me with panic attacks, nightmares, insomnia, and a shaking in my hands that lasted for years!

So please explain to me what you will gain by removing the protection? I am not being a wise-A$$. I am truly trying to understand.

Will you also sign a waiver that if he does in fact kill you that none of your relatives can sue? Because in my mind, if you insist on no protection, then the police have the right to also be protected from a law suit when he kills you.

Like I said, I am truly trying to see the up side to such a decision!

only1love I couldn't agree with you more. Your post was inspirational. I don't understand why people get protection from abuse orders, and then want to have them removed. It's like they don't want to be protected.