Okay, I'm going to try to make this as brief as possible. My loved one is serving a 25 year to life state sentence (of which he's already served 16) and he is facing a 30 year consecutive federal sentence. We were childhood sweethearts who went our separate ways and who found each other again four years ago. I've been writing him and standing by his side since then. This is my dilemma: The love that we've always had for each other rekindled, but he's constantly holding me at bay. He stated he was in love with me, then said he never said that (I have the letter). He gets close, then pulls away. He says that the life he's living is way too hard for him to impose on another human being (namely me). He sets all sorts of boundaries that he himself crosses, only to hide behind them again when he feels vulnerable and out of control. I've tried to reassure him that I'm here to stay, that I lost him once before and don't intend to do it again, but I sense he is fearful of abandonment (he's been there already with his ex-wife). I try to convince him that he deserves to love and be loved, and he seems to receive that, but then the cycle starts all over again. I know all this has to do with the feelings he is experiencing and the fear associated with those feelings, and I'm willing to work with him through that for however long it takes. I know it's hard for him, having placed a shield around his heart so that he could survive the prison environment. I need to know from someone who's been where I am what the best course of action is. My heart breaks to see him in this state and I need to know what I can do to help him. Please...I need your advise.

Thanks!

My boyfriend has pulled that kind of stuff before also. Its like on day it is so great to be with him and then all the sudden he just doesn't know what he wants. Its just his way of dealing with the pain of being away from me and his family, if he puts that wall up then he thinks he won't get hurt. Its the only thing that they have controll of. When he is acting like that I just let him know how much it hurts when he pulls away from me. I also let him know that i will be there for him and I"m not going anywhere. Just stand by his side like you are and make sure he knows how you feel at all times. I hope the best for you.

My fiance has never pulled away from me, but I myself have lived my life pushing people away if they get too close. It is a control/self-protection thing. It's like you push people away before they do it to you to protect yourself from being hurt again. I would say that if you love him, continue to show him UNCONDITIONAL love and be honest with your feelings like Roodangel says. I believe that you can break through to him and make him feel confident in your love. It takes time though. It took 5 years for my man to "prove" to me he loved me and for me to believe it - and I mean believe it in my heart. I have finally let him into my life and it's like a huge weight has been lifted off of me.

Stay strong!

Roo's Angel and Mrs. P:
Thank you so much for your responses to my postings. If standing my his side regardless of his actions and demonstrating unconditional love is key to helping him work through his issues, then that's what I'll do. I know the life I've chosen is difficult, but much more difficult is living a life without him in it. I won't abandon him and I won't fail him. I guess that time will be the true test, won't it?

Again, thank you so much for your advice and encouragement.

i,ve been where you are,i asked my baby once,what the problem was,he told me no one will hang around that long and he didn't expect me to.that he didn't want to be hurt again.he's even told me it isn't fair to ask or want me to hang around for him.i wrote him a letter telling him.i wasn't hanging around for him,i was doing it for me,because i didn't want anyone else,and if nothing really ever become between us then so be it,but i would still be there every step of the way.he'd just have to deal with that.he wrote be back saying alright you can do this time with me.still sometimes he has his doubts,so i tell him,i'm not going anywhere you'll see.and i sometimes have to reassure him over and over i love and only want him.at least once a month i'll add a reminder at the bottom of a letter,hey guess what i'm still here..like you i knew my baby before all this,it's been 7 years now and he's doing 23-28 years structured sentence. no parole.must complete the min and could even mean the entire 28.by the way he's now talking about when i get and WE get to be together in real live can we spend time in the mountains.he does a lot now days..just hang in there and reassure over and over...

if you need someone to talk with ,you can pm or email me anytime.

Thanks, Squeaky!
It's so good to have a community of people who've been there and done that! I'm glad that I found it. I've been dealing with this for seven months now and I was getting a little despondent. I was feeling rejected and was beginning to make the entire deal about me. After hearing back from you all and speaking with a friend I've made through these support networks, I've come to learn that I've made some mistakes and that those mistakes could've caused me the love of my life. Prison is a hard place and our loved ones have to do what is necessary to survive in that environment. Sometimes that means shutting down and pushing away people that cause them to feel things they have no control over. I'll continue to stand, and like you, demonstrate that I'm not going anywhere.

Thanks for your response,

prison is like a world all it's own,the longer your around it all the more you'll learn.just hang in there...it's not easy but no one ever told me life would be...when ever your feeling down think about if you had to live in your bathroom day in day out,couldn't control the heat,lights or pretty much anything how ticked off and frustrated you'd get at times remember you'd probably begin to think no one should want or love you.the c/o's likes to play head games as well at times.you'll be alright.just keep telling him how important he is to you.and he'll start to believe you.you'll learn when he's going to have a difficult time and will need to hear that even more.i'll be praying for you both.just remember if it's meant to be you'll find away.

Squeaky:
Thanks again for your kind words. You used a really good example of what prison life is like. I'd go crazy if had to live in space the size of a bathroom and then have no control over anything. I feel like crap just thinking that I could've neglected to think about everything he's had and has to go through. I have it made, compared to what he's had to deal with. I'm glad I've gained this insight. I know that I can now be a better source of support for him.

Would like to PM u from time to time if that'sokay with you.

Thanks!

you can pm me anytime.

I'm here for you, too if you need it!

Thanks MrsP and Squeaky.

Hi China,
I just saw your post and while I am a few days late in giving you some advice, I thought I would at least let you know that you aren't alone in this situation.

My man and I started out in the same situation you are in now. He too was hurt badly by his ex and it was really hard for him to believe that I would stand by his side, even though everyone else had walked away when he needed them most. I think time is what it takes for them to see that we are sincere when we say we are not going anywhere, that an unconditional love and reassurance. It took my man almost a year to see that my love was genuine and that I am not like his ex or any of the others that have left him.

This life is a hard road, but like all of us that choose to be with our men through this hard time we all know our worlds would not be complete without them in it. Al and I still have our rough times just like any relationship with a few extra stessors (to say the least). It's been almost two years now and we are still growing together and so is our love.

Just hang in there, the time you invest in showing him your love and loyalty will in the end pay off. I know it has for Al and I, and I'm sure it will all work out for you and yours in the end.

Al and I will keep you and your man in our prayers.

Let me know if you ever need to talk.
Lana

"but he's constantly holding me at bay." There is no way to do this "right" and only time, ironically, heals all wounds. My man and I, also found each other again, after a long time. He is doing twenty and he has been gone ten. There will be times when we are so connected, and tight, and everything is fine, and then there is the backlash. This is called fear. The fear of hurting some one else, or you being hurt. Some of you read my story, how I waited, a long time for some one, then, when it was almost over, he killed another inmate, in self defense and lost his date. He cut me completely out of his life. He couldn't handle the consequences, and he decided, without my consent, that I could not take any more. Christmas, he called me for the first time in 15 years. He regrets what he did, but I understand it, although I was very, very angry. In fact he was really pretty pissed that I am, on this road again, although it doesn't surprise me, cuz in my hood, where I grew up, time is common, and I myself have spent nine years, although not continuous, inside, and more if you count Juvi. So being in love with an inmate is a result of my previous, although not current, lifestyle. The thing is, and believe me it is really hard, is you have to love him, with out being attached to the outcome. Not just release but the reactions you feel are "right" if you can do this long enough, his mind will still mess with him, but his heart will be grounded, and less and less will his mind wander into fear. Some people can do this in, what is, relatively a short time, for others the wounds are deeper, and the journey may take a lifetime. Your tools are patience, consistency, and above all, love. I wish you lots of it. Ask him, when he feels like, its all wrong, and he is backing up, to try and stay with those feelings, and ask himself, what is the worst possible outcome? Sometimes imagining our worst fears frees us from them. It can also give insight into why they arise, my man, took a very long time to believe that he was worthy of being loved, despite the time. Now he knows. It doesn't really get "easier" but you learn the road, so to speak, gee, kinda long, sorry

In the bible, I don't know where exactly, it states there is no fear in love. I use to go through the same feelings of sabotaging relationships because I didn't want them to close. It's all a part of a defense mechanism. No one wants to be hurt and for those who are they become very protective of their heart.