It has been 7 months since my boyfriend was sent back to prison because he did not complete his anger management class. When they took him away it was the most horrible experience I have ever been in. I stood outside my apartment that was surrounded by many police officers and police cars, a helicopter, and many firearms. I cried so hard, so afriad that they would shoot him..that someone would be too quick on the trigger. They finally busted my door down and took him away. All because he didn't have enough money to pay for the anger management class. It's $15.00 a week. So, he was at High Desert for about a month and then they sent him to Corcoran SATF. This was actually a blessing because I have read that the drug treatment program there is excellent with hardly any return offenders. I pray every night this institution rehibilitates him from his drug use. So...he is coming home in a week. I am scared, excited, elated, nervous.....I am wondering if I am doing the right thing and I know that I am doing the right thing. Ugh! My mind flip flops daily...wondering if I am wasting my time or if this IS meant to be. I wonder if he really is going to be better, no more lies or drug use. During the day I am excited, but at night in bed my mind tends to focus on the negative things that have happened in the past and then I get so scared and frightened of the future.
I don't know what I want from this message....I suppose I just need to get my thoughts out and know that other people are going through the same thing as me. Thanks for reading.

((hugs)) Christen... Hang in there and take it a day at a time... It's normal to be nervous yet excited and happy... Hopefully things will be better and don't forget to ENJOY him being home....

Deb

Thank you for responding. Yes, I know that I must take it one day at a time. Unfortunately I'm the type of person that always wants to know exactly what is going to happen. People tell me that I will never know what is going to happen unless I wait it out and see for myself. I try to think of that as much as possible. I just wonder when the questions in my mind about him ending back in prison again will ever subside? I wonder often if I can build a life with someone always afriad that he will leave again.

hang in there and ask god to lead you in the right diriction

Christian,

First, deb and kelly have put it so well, you have to take it one day at a time. I know there is worry, that won't stop, been there done that, but from your boyfriends point of view.

Just take a deep breath, sit down to a good book or whatever you like to do, and get into it and forget your concerns for a few moments.

From personal experience, I can tell you that he is just as worried. Though I came out under far different circumstances and far earlier than I thought I would.

I remember thinking will Linda (my partner) have me back? Will I be able to prove to her that I want to work to keep our relationship going?

Just as importantly, I remember praying and wondering if I could get a job quickly and could I live up to the requirements of my probation. I was scared to no end. But, it will have been a year this coming March 17th, and Linda and I are still together in a much stronger relationship, I have a job, and I have lived up to the requirements put on me. Including taking anger management.

It will be hard work, but you two will make if you put your hearts and minds too it. You can never know exactly what is going to happen. It will take time, but you can work through it.

God Bless,

Patti

Hi Christen ... I know it's hard right now with all the doubts you have and no way for answers just yet ... but, just try to follow your gut ... if you live in the moment of "when is or where will he mess up" then you just may create a self fulfilling prophesy ... listen to your heart, sweetie, it will lead you right :)

I am so glad to see I am not the only one here that is doubting the possable future....

I am going nuttz here too Christen.
My guy has been gone for a little over 8 months now and I relized last night actually, while writting him, My life has completelly changed in the past months...
Nothing, is the same! I Have worked, and yes lady's and gent. kept the SAME JOB!!!

It seems at least once a week I loose it and write him a letter That I wish I hadn't....

They useually look kinda like this...

So sweetman of mine... whaT are we going to do again?...exactlly... OK LOOK- I am really going nutts... I can't get hurt, I am here waiting for our lives to begin... YADDA YADDA, YADDA...
If we try, 100%.... THEN I WILL SAY SOMTHING STUPID LIKE- Okay forget what I just said - If we have to try that hard- It won't work.......Heres why..


I swear to god he must be loven' me every time he gets a letter and starts reading.. come to 4th sentence, and he must think to himself, she's freaking out again on paper!!

I just sent the latest crazed letter this morning. And of course when I saw his, Every single fear melted away from my brain...

Deep down though I know If it's meant to be it will be.

By 7:38 I am trippen again.

christian i have those same feelings also ...but i agree just have to go with your gut feelings ...and hope for the best ....if everything goes well then let the rest of your life be happy but if doesnt at least youcant look back and say you never did try ...take care ..

Thank you to everyone who has shared their thoughts with me and have given me little pep talks to help me through this. I have only about 5 days left until I get to go pick him up. I am more excited now and my fears are starting to finally subside. He has been lucky being in such a good place for the past months. He is at Corcoran SATF and, I believe, has finally actually received rehabilitation! Now we get to deal with even funner things such as: parole, finding him a job, getting him to various classes that he will be required to complete and pay for, and getting both of us to work with car, and the hardest....getting him to get some visitation to see his daughter from his previous marriage. I have been praying so hard that he will receive everything that we have both been praying for. I also pray that he will never go back, but I do get very frightened because of the city we live in. We live in a very very conservative city...if you are a felon, they will find a reason to send you back. As I mentioned before, they had a police standoff outside my apartment with a helicopter and armed police at every corner of the building...and all because he didn't complete his class. I hope the future brings nothing but peacefulness to us and everyone else in this forum.

I heard Dr. Laura tell this on tv this morning and I want to share it with you.

A boy is talking to his grandfather.
The grandfather explains that he is filled with a demon and an angel and they are constantly at war with each other.
The grandson asks "Which will win?"
The grandfather answers "Whichever is stronger will win."
The boy asks "Where does the strength come from?"
The grandfather answers "From feeding it. Feed the good."

Feed the good. Believe in miracles. Hope for the very best.