View Full Version : WWYD? - He Owes His Dealers


BKBS
04-25-2009, 12:17 AM
Hi everyone.

My boyfriend was locked up in jail for a month for a white collar crime that he was using to feed his drug addiction, which I was unaware of previously. He made bail and is now out. While in jail, he saw the light and realized how much of a fool he had been, ruining his own life and damaging his relationships with those who love him. Since then, he has been working hard to rehabilitate himself, and folllow the straight and narrow path. He now has a complete aversion to drugs and that lifestyle. Nonetheless, he owes four dealers a total of somewhere between $2,000 - $3,000. They tracked him down today and threatened his life, of course, if he does not pay them by the next time he sees them. They broke his phone and took a couple $100 that he had on him.

My question is, what would you do? I am a professional, and technically have the money saved to give him (he did not ask me for it.) However, I have issues with money, partly because I lent him a lot money in the past before he went in, which I obviously never saw again because he was using it for drugs, unbeknowst to me. I thought I was helping him get on his feet after being laid off, etc. Yes, I realize I was an enabler, and hate the part I took in unknowingly contributing to feeding his addiction. FYI - I have been with him for 10 years, and he will not ask me for the money, as he knows that this is a sore spot for us. He has not been able to find a job as of yet, and therefore, his only source of income is the cash money he makes doing side jobs in his field. I do not WANT to lend him the money, and I hate to think of my very hard-earned money going to pay for a drug debt, but I worry about something happening to him. Would I actually be doing wrong by him to give him the money? Has anyone been in a similar situation? What should I do?

LeBeau
04-25-2009, 09:23 AM
He can do one of three things- He can go to the cops, which may or may not work and could put him in greater danger, he can vanish into thin air, which would mean moving, changing all contact info, etc, or he can pay his debt and be done with it.

I totally understand why you are not thrilled with the idea of making good on his drug debt, but this problem is not just gonna go away.... Dealers do not typically have amnesty programs for the debt of patrons who get clean..... and some dealers would have no ethical qualms about hassling YOU for the money.

Jillian
04-25-2009, 09:37 AM
You have to be careful with situation like this, cause they have already shown that they will and can get aggressive. The thing is if you do give him the money will you go with him to pay these guys off? To these guys they don't care if its 10, or 1000 all they know its their money and they want it. We had a friend who stayed with us, and he owed this one guy 500 dollars, and they came in to our town home and basically destroyed it looking for him, and trying to intimidate us. Whoever he had contact with they went after causing damage way over the 500 dollars and didnt stop until they were paid. It was very scary to go thru, we were at lost cause we gave him the money to pay them back, but all he did was go and cop from some where else. But we had to pay for his actions though we had nothing to do with him.

As Lebeau that they will have no problems coming at you for their money as well cause they know you and him are involved. Please becareful

SpicaRigel
04-25-2009, 11:23 AM
I know you dont want to give him the money,but im thinking it may be better to do it and get them off your back and possibly keep you and him from harm. Dealers dont mess around.
Let us know what you do.

justbeth
04-25-2009, 06:01 PM
I have had many of the old dealers come to me for his debt. Luckily, the know I am not afraid of them doing anything to me just my kids. Plain and simple, I just told them "Ain't my problem, he is in jail." What made them afraid of me though I never was afraid of them in the begining and I wasn't afraid to go to the cops for them hasseling me.

But he made the debt he owes it. You have to decide is it really important enough for you to enable the behavior again. He needs to learn that your not his personal cash machine and that you can't bail him out of everything.

sometimes you have to love them enough to be done being their cash machine.

miracle11
04-25-2009, 06:21 PM
Tough Love is a hard thing to swallow, but often the best. If I were in your situation, which thankfully I am not, I would have to tell him that he has to find the best way he knows how to pay them back. I know it will be hard to do, and even harder to deal with if he ends up hurt over it, but I agree that you have to stop letting him use you for money.

Addicted_one
04-28-2009, 09:08 AM
Man I understand both sides of the fence pay or don't pay - there really is no good answer. If you pay (like you always have) then when does it ever stop? Are you sure its an old debt and not a new debt? Were you there when they broke the phone, etc.? The bad thing about drug addicts are - we are liars - when we are using (always). So..... who knows. Wont it be a using trigger to send your man to the dope man with a bunch of money? If they extended credit and you paid it wont they take the money and extend more credit b/c they know you'll pay it and they love to make money and keep people strung out?

There are so many scenerios that could potentially play out. Sorry no real answers but just things to think about.

Shelby
05-02-2009, 11:36 PM
That line is also one of the oldest scams in the book.

If you give him the money expect NOTHING in return. Do not expect to get your money back. Do not expect that he will see the light and change his ways. Do not expect that he will never run up a tab again. Do not expect that he will humble himself. Do not expect that he would appreciate it. Do not expect that it is what he says it is for, and not just for more drugs. Just think of it as giving someone money because you have plenty to spare and want nor expect a single thing in return.

However, right now due to the economy there are many other charitable organizations that could really use some financial help, check into your local SPCA, childrens centers, and domestic violence centers. All are struggling for donations right now, and abused animals, children and women would at least appreciate it. And, you would be able to write it off your taxes.

tweedybird
05-03-2009, 09:25 AM
Is there anything of value that he has, that you could hold as "collateral" until he can pay you back? If you do lend it to him, I would put it in writing that it is a loan and some kind of pay back rate for after he's out of jail.

mrschetner
05-03-2009, 12:29 PM
If you pay (like you always have) then when does it ever stop? Are you sure its an old debt and not a new debt? Were you there when they broke the phone, etc.? The bad thing about drug addicts are - we are liars - when we are using (always). So..... who knows. Wont it be a using trigger to send your man to the dope man with a bunch of money?

Sorry no real answers but just things to think about.


Hi Addicted:
I just wanted to say that I thought your post provided some of the best "real answers" I have ever heard (having lived everything you mentioned myself, as well). I had forgotten the "paying off an old debt" scenario but I fell for that one twice last time hubby was out. He's got seven months to go this time so I guess I need to start brushing up on all his bullshit lines again....!!
:slap: Thanks for the reminder.

allgone
05-06-2009, 06:21 AM
If you pay off this "debt" it will never end. He will constantly be coming to you for money.

My ex was unable to pay a debt he had for drugs. He couldn't find a job anywhere and was picking up little odd jobs on the side that didn't pay anything. He asked for money, I refused and next thing I knew he had a job at a temp agency and was able to pay off his debt. Addicts are resourceful and will find money when they need it.

allmb
05-06-2009, 07:13 AM
When the drug dealers called my home after I cleaned up, I just instructed the people answering the phones to tell them they could reach me at (213) 621-6700 which is the LA office of the DEA. They stopped calling me immediately.

BlueEyedEllie
05-06-2009, 07:22 AM
When the drug dealers called my home after I cleaned up, I just instructed the people answering the phones to tell them they could reach me at (213) 621-6700 which is the LA office of the DEA. They stopped calling me immediately.

lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WaitingForHer1
05-09-2009, 03:34 AM
Hi everyone.

My boyfriend was locked up in jail for a month for a white collar crime that he was using to feed his drug addiction, which I was unaware of previously. He made bail and is now out. While in jail, he saw the light and realized how much of a fool he had been, ruining his own life and damaging his relationships with those who love him. Since then, he has been working hard to rehabilitate himself, and folllow the straight and narrow path. He now has a complete aversion to drugs and that lifestyle. Nonetheless, he owes four dealers a total of somewhere between $2,000 - $3,000. They tracked him down today and threatened his life, of course, if he does not pay them by the next time he sees them. They broke his phone and took a couple $100 that he had on him.

My question is, what would you do? I am a professional, and technically have the money saved to give him (he did not ask me for it.) However, I have issues with money, partly because I lent him a lot money in the past before he went in, which I obviously never saw again because he was using it for drugs, unbeknowst to me. I thought I was helping him get on his feet after being laid off, etc. Yes, I realize I was an enabler, and hate the part I took in unknowingly contributing to feeding his addiction. FYI - I have been with him for 10 years, and he will not ask me for the money, as he knows that this is a sore spot for us. He has not been able to find a job as of yet, and therefore, his only source of income is the cash money he makes doing side jobs in his field. I do not WANT to lend him the money, and I hate to think of my very hard-earned money going to pay for a drug debt, but I worry about something happening to him. Would I actually be doing wrong by him to give him the money? Has anyone been in a similar situation? What should I do?
My daughter was and my late husband who was a Federal Agent gave her the money to pay them off. But, it didnt end there she kept using drugs and wound up in one bad situation after another over it and is currently doing hard time in prison.

It isnt your problem. If it were me I would detach and worry about my own safety.

My daughter was with two gang bangers on parole who were collectors. They were caught with her and loaded weapons threatening peoples lives who owed drug dealers money and even threatened the lives of the employees of a convienance store that they robbed. That is how they got caught someone called the police on them.

It is a dangerouse situation. But anyone gets pissed if someone owes them that much money.

My X husband was into dealing drugs and doing them and I had to cut him loose cause I dont ever want the bull shit in my life again. I had some people threaten me cause I wouldnt give him the phone so he could sell them something.

drkangel127
05-12-2009, 08:36 AM
Hi everyone.

My boyfriend was locked up in jail for a month for a white collar crime that he was using to feed his drug addiction, which I was unaware of previously. He made bail and is now out. While in jail, he saw the light and realized how much of a fool he had been, ruining his own life and damaging his relationships with those who love him. Since then, he has been working hard to rehabilitate himself, and folllow the straight and narrow path. He now has a complete aversion to drugs and that lifestyle. Nonetheless, he owes four dealers a total of somewhere between $2,000 - $3,000. They tracked him down today and threatened his life, of course, if he does not pay them by the next time he sees them. They broke his phone and took a couple $100 that he had on him.

My question is, what would you do? I am a professional, and technically have the money saved to give him (he did not ask me for it.) However, I have issues with money, partly because I lent him a lot money in the past before he went in, which I obviously never saw again because he was using it for drugs, unbeknowst to me. I thought I was helping him get on his feet after being laid off, etc. Yes, I realize I was an enabler, and hate the part I took in unknowingly contributing to feeding his addiction. FYI - I have been with him for 10 years, and he will not ask me for the money, as he knows that this is a sore spot for us. He has not been able to find a job as of yet, and therefore, his only source of income is the cash money he makes doing side jobs in his field. I do not WANT to lend him the money, and I hate to think of my very hard-earned money going to pay for a drug debt, but I worry about something happening to him. Would I actually be doing wrong by him to give him the money? Has anyone been in a similar situation? What should I do?


Well I don't know if you have already worked through this but I wanted to tell you that I went to several groups with my husband when he was in recovery and like someone else said this is a difficult situation because you love him and to you , you just want it to go away but the problem is if you give him the money you will be enabling him and not only that there is no guarantee that these guys will be done with him sometimes they use things so lets say you give the guys 2000 then they come back and ay he owes more money and then more money because they see that you will give the money up to cover that debt. My husband thankfully never brought anyone to our house so no one knew where we lived but they did find where we lived by my van one time and I will say we moved instead of giving in we moved, because my husband said that they werent the kind of guys to just walk away and to give up and also it got to a point where they would see my husband at the store and keep offering him drugs offering to front him drugs for free(which nothing is ever free) and eventually he ended up relapsing it's like a never ending cycle.does he know these guys will stop once they get there money?

mrschetner
05-25-2009, 11:35 AM
.... it got to a point where they would see my husband at the store and keep offering him drugs offering to front him drugs for free(which nothing is ever free) and eventually he ended up relapsing it's like a never ending cycle.

This is what I'm so afraid of. We have had a new baby since my husband has been in and he says he is so ready to come home and clean up his act and be a real daddy. I believe him too, because he really is a wonderful guy when he's off the dope. But I absolutely know that these f***ing dealers are going to be all up in his face again offering it to him when he gets out (because, unfortunately, he was such a good customer) and I don't know that he'll be able to hold out against that. It seems like my whole future (not to mention our son's!) is going to be hanging on the strength of his new-found convictions and I'm just not comfortable with that yet. Then of course I feel like I'm not being a "supportive wife". I wonder if any of this is ever going to get any easier.

not so squeaky
05-26-2009, 01:57 PM
Are you sure he isn't lying to you about it? Do you know first hand that he actually owes this money, or did it suddenly "come up"? A plausible scenario could be he fell off the wagon, blew through $200, had some fun, and needs a way to account for it.

gina61463
05-28-2009, 07:58 PM
:slap:Take it from an addict who has ran game on many, many people. It is highly doubtful that your boyfriend has made such a complete transformation....and if he has he should have no problem calling the police. And where is he running into these guys at? Working men and drug dealers don't usually run the same circle. I would question his honesty. After all you had no idea he was even doing it and now you are just going to believe what he says after he blew smoke up your behind. Don't believe it lady...not unless you have seen a truly radical change in him.....don't do it.

Hi everyone.

My boyfriend was locked up in jail for a month for a white collar crime that he was using to feed his drug addiction, which I was unaware of previously. He made bail and is now out. While in jail, he saw the light and realized how much of a fool he had been, ruining his own life and damaging his relationships with those who love him. Since then, he has been working hard to rehabilitate himself, and folllow the straight and narrow path. He now has a complete aversion to drugs and that lifestyle. Nonetheless, he owes four dealers a total of somewhere between $2,000 - $3,000. They tracked him down today and threatened his life, of course, if he does not pay them by the next time he sees them. They broke his phone and took a couple $100 that he had on him.

My question is, what would you do? I am a professional, and technically have the money saved to give him (he did not ask me for it.) However, I have issues with money, partly because I lent him a lot money in the past before he went in, which I obviously never saw again because he was using it for drugs, unbeknowst to me. I thought I was helping him get on his feet after being laid off, etc. Yes, I realize I was an enabler, and hate the part I took in unknowingly contributing to feeding his addiction. FYI - I have been with him for 10 years, and he will not ask me for the money, as he knows that this is a sore spot for us. He has not been able to find a job as of yet, and therefore, his only source of income is the cash money he makes doing side jobs in his field. I do not WANT to lend him the money, and I hate to think of my very hard-earned money going to pay for a drug debt, but I worry about something happening to him. Would I actually be doing wrong by him to give him the money? Has anyone been in a similar situation? What should I do?

drkangel127
05-28-2009, 08:57 PM
:slap:Take it from an addict who has ran game on many, many people. It is highly doubtful that your boyfriend has made such a complete transformation....and if he has he should have no problem calling the police. And where is he running into these guys at? Working men and drug dealers don't usually run the same circle. I would question his honesty. After all you had no idea he was even doing it and now you are just going to believe what he says after he blew smoke up your behind. Don't believe it lady...not unless you have seen a truly radical change in him.....don't do it.

Ok I talked to my husband about this one and I have to agree with the last post my husband said don't believe him he said he was only locked up a month there is no way he got 100% clean and strong enough to stay away with no help and said that if the dope dealers really wanted there money they would have done more then threaten his life, they would have probably beat him down as a warning , he said after him being gone a month they arent going to walk right up and just threaten him and then walk away in hopes that he pays. Especially that kind of money. I know you are concerned for your husband but you need to be sure he owes any money before you give up any money. like the last post said he should have no problem calling the police, or say ok why don't we just move to a new area where they don't know where we live and see what he says when my husband was lying and I said that he would give me some excuse. I don't think he is being honest. but I hope for your sake and your kids he is

Peaceismine
05-28-2009, 09:53 PM
If he is in for that much, get the heck away from him. If y'all pay it off, as a "reward" for doing so, the dealer will give him a "free ride" cause he is a "buddy" and there are "no hard feelings, just doing business", and get him hooked again. So it will cycle all over again.
Tough love. He got himself in it, he sure can figure out how to get himself out of it. Just don't let it drag you down with him. Be careful!!

june5
05-28-2009, 10:10 PM
Wow, you are really in a rough spot. You know, it's always a sad thing that people get drug habits and spend their money on it, but if you are paying for drugs that you didn't even *use*....that just is wrong on so many levels! (hopefully that makes sense).

If he was really clean, and you hadn't helped him before, I could see where just paying the money is a viable option. The problem is he has taken your money in the past. Where does it end?

Like has been posted already, he could be making it all up just to get more money to buy more drugs. On the other hand, maybe he's telling the truth--if it were me (and it's not, so just my 2 cents) if my life/safety was going to be in jeopardy, I would bounce. Seriously, I hope you consider your own safety...he got himself into this mess, you didn't...whether you get sucked into it any more is up to you. I really hope it works out for you whatever you decide.

Convicted
06-04-2009, 02:06 AM
Hi everyone.

My boyfriend was locked up in jail for a month for a white collar crime that he was using to feed his drug addiction, which I was unaware of previously. He made bail and is now out. While in jail, he saw the light and realized how much of a fool he had been, ruining his own life and damaging his relationships with those who love him. Since then, he has been working hard to rehabilitate himself, and folllow the straight and narrow path. He now has a complete aversion to drugs and that lifestyle. Nonetheless, he owes four dealers a total of somewhere between $2,000 - $3,000. They tracked him down today and threatened his life, of course, if he does not pay them by the next time he sees them. They broke his phone and took a couple $100 that he had on him.

My question is, what would you do? I am a professional, and technically have the money saved to give him (he did not ask me for it.) However, I have issues with money, partly because I lent him a lot money in the past before he went in, which I obviously never saw again because he was using it for drugs, unbeknowst to me. I thought I was helping him get on his feet after being laid off, etc. Yes, I realize I was an enabler, and hate the part I took in unknowingly contributing to feeding his addiction. FYI - I have been with him for 10 years, and he will not ask me for the money, as he knows that this is a sore spot for us. He has not been able to find a job as of yet, and therefore, his only source of income is the cash money he makes doing side jobs in his field. I do not WANT to lend him the money, and I hate to think of my very hard-earned money going to pay for a drug debt, but I worry about something happening to him. Would I actually be doing wrong by him to give him the money? Has anyone been in a similar situation? What should I do?


Well as a former Dealer I'll tell you hassling someone over acouple thousand dollars isn't worth the possibilty of someone going to the police to turn you in. The dealers aren't very smart cause in a drug conspiracy it only take your boyfriends word for them to be indicted. So my guess is he spent the money his saying they took on drugs and doesn't want to tell you about. Or he's trying to get the money from you to pay his debt knowing you will probaly give it to him cause you "love" him. Then go out and try to make the big score he's been wating for. I've seen it all well probaly not all but my 15 years in the game I've seen alot. Unless you live in Juárez, Mexico or somewhere close to there I wouldn't worry about them.

ant's wife
06-04-2009, 03:45 PM
honestly this is a hard one because if you pay them off and your husband still uses he will use you as a front he will know and the drug dealers would know if he gets caught up they can come to you. Usually when someone owes money and gets locked up the drug dealers take the lost, with the amount of money your husband owes I can say he was dealing himself or involved in alot more than just doing the drugs I would if I were you look into see what else it was. because no drug dealer in there right mond will allow an addict to get up that much debt. Unfortently you are stuck in a catch 22 and the only way to fix is what someone else had said disappear into thin air.

ant's wife
06-04-2009, 03:53 PM
Well as a former Dealer I'll tell you hassling someone over acouple thousand dollars isn't worth the possibilty of someone going to the police to turn you in. The dealers aren't very smart cause in a drug conspiracy it only take your boyfriends word for them to be indicted. So my guess is he spent the money his saying they took on drugs and doesn't want to tell you about. Or he's trying to get the money from you to pay his debt knowing you will probaly give it to him cause you "love" him. Then go out and try to make the big score he's been wating for. I've seen it all well probaly not all but my 15 years in the game I've seen alot. Unless you live in Juárez, Mexico or somewhere close to there I wouldn't worry about them.

I was pretty much thinkging in the same lines if he owes these man no matter the amount of money they wouldn't go after him because they don't know if he would get the police involved I think there's more to it then just drugs.

BKBS
01-02-2010, 02:26 PM
Well, its been awhile, and he has paid these guys down to just owing $1,000. As for him still using, his sentence turned out to be "drug court," so he has to attend group counseling multiple times a week, as well as NA. He is also randomly drug-tested throughout the week. Therefore, the "using" part isn't as much of an issue because the courts are monitoring him. The only problem is that the dealer supposedly found out where I live now, and was making threats. As can be imagined, I am royally pissed. He went talk to him, but I am still scared now. As for turning the dealer in, these people are from an area where they are more than willing to do their friend's dirty work for him, especially against a snitch. Snitching isn't looked kindly upon. I wasn't that concerned until I became involved. They described my house & everything. We are still not sure how they found out - maybe followed him there one night? Sigh, what to do?

neccomamma
01-04-2010, 07:58 PM
GO TO THE POLICE!! Give names, numbers etc. You go that's not him snitching, they are now threatening you. Let the police know you are scared!!! Go straight to VICE or whatever. For the amount of money that he owed he was using a WHOLE LOT of drugs so these guys are possibly "big(ger) fish" than you think. You are dealing with people who don't care about who gets hurt or how (or they wouldn't deal in the first place). I would also consider moving far away if you can, with or without him at this point. if he loves you he'll want you safe more than anything.

in Christ
01-04-2010, 08:07 PM
Drugs kill.........not only brain cells

amickeyfan
01-08-2010, 08:06 PM
No dealers do not just disappear when money is owed to them. My son was in rehab and the weekend he came out he stole money from out bank account via the atm machine. He did this for a few days till he got out nearly $6000 to pay off the dealers he owed..
We weren't aware of what was going on until our statement came. Then my husband went to the bank to view the security tapes from the transactions that were at our bank. It was our son taking at that atm machine. When we confronted him, we found out how much in debt he was prior to entering rehab. His clean living didn't last long either. After his debts were paid off via our money, he went back to using.. :angry: I guess he had to make good for the money (beside being threatened) so he could get more drugs....

amickeyfan
01-08-2010, 08:08 PM
Drugs kill.........not only brain cellsyep.. sometimes innocent people too..

secondtimer
01-25-2010, 09:06 AM
BKBS,
OOh i feel for you, trust me when i say there is no reason your boyfriend should be visiting a drug dealer if he is trying to stay clean. Like someone said business people and drug dealers don't hang out together unless he is trying to deal himself. Dealers may want their money but they know that all someone has to do is make a phone call. And if they no where you live it is because he told them and he should be saying lets go to protect you. Addicts have to change people places and things to avoid relapsing. And one month is not enough he needs at least six months just to get the chemicals out of his brain. move away don't give him any money and watch your belongings just in case they start dissappearing. Hold him accountable.

EllaBlue
01-25-2010, 09:41 AM
Great advice before me...
I have seen this go both ways. Sometimes they are outright lying about owing the money and sometimes you pay and the problem goes away...
I would be mad, plain and simple....... enough is enough. Addicts don't realize what this does to the other family members. WE get to be scared for something they do!
I had ONE call from someone that my daughter owed money too. I told the guy I had NOTHING! For God sake!!!!
Whatever you decide, I hope you can find some peace in all of this..SO SAD!