Hey everyone.

My ex parte order, which was extended, goes to court next week for the actual restraining order.

My husband is in the county jail, being held on $30,000 bond (no one will get him out, no one got him out when it was $4,000). He is charged with 6 felonies and 3 misd. on top of the charges (1 felony, 2 misd) that were a result of the assault on me. So, I know, without a doubt, that he's going back to prison.

My issue is that I haven't been able to talk to him since the incident, 5 weeks ago. I have written letters to try to help me at least get some of my anger out, but I haven't mailed them. I want us to be able to write each other so I can get some answers and I can get it out just how what he did is affecting my life, every single minute of the day.

My question is this: could I ask the judge to keep the restraining order but to allow us to have written communication? Do you guys think that would even be a possibility? I want to explain to the judge that I need to be able to tell him how this has affected me. Do, you think it's a good idea?

Thanks in advance. :)

Darlin', what exactly do you hope for in discussing this with him?

You want apologies?
You'll probably get them, but the apologies of an abuser are seldom worth the paper on which they are written or the breath wasted to speak them.... and listening to those apologies is dangerous- many women here have been sucked in by the sucking up, only to discover that he is still just as dangerous, just as self serving and even more ready to blame you for his actions.

You want answers?
What can he possibly say that would make it make sense?
"It just made me so crazy when you...."
"You know how I can get when I'm...... (High, drunk, mad, stressed out, whatever)"
And all the rest of the laundry list of excuses that put the blame for his behavior somewhere other than where it belongs.... on his own head.
Or, the infamous "I don't know what came over me and I swear it'll never, never happen again"... see previous paragraph.


You want closure?
Save your comments on how his behavior has impacted your life for the witness stand and/or the victim impact statement at sentencing.....

And do keep in mind that any request you make for contact can and probably will be twisted by his lawyer to try to make you appear wishy washy and inconsistant.

The lady has preached it!

Hon, all you can really do is go get some counseling. That will explain more than he ever would be able to. He is NOT concerned about how you have been affected - if he were, he wouldn't have done it. He is concerned with HIM. He might try to soft-talk you, so your testimony wouldn't be as damaging, but that's all you're going to hear (at best - at worst he will be ranting and raving about your guilt in the matter).

Ahhh, this is why I love PTO. Experience is such a great teaching tool. Thank you ladies. Well, I have gotten a letter from him with his apology. It did make me feel better, to an extent. But I just feel like I haven't been able to tell him how I feel. I feel like I need to get it out to him.

There isn't really much more that I want from him other than the reaction to what I have to say.

The bottom line is, I want him to feel bad. I want to make him suffer like I had to suffer and I know that getting letters from me about how I feel, even if just a lil, will make him feel bad. That's so mean to want another human to suffer, but I do. I want him to suffer.

Oh, and thankfully, I start counseling next week, actually, the same day as court.

Ignoring his letters and calls will let him know how badly you feel. Opening up communication lines, no matter the content, is playing right into his game plan. Don't fall into that trap. If you ignore his apology, he will suffer more for having lost control than he would if he still has you on a string. These types hate to lose control more than anything you could ever tell him. You and your counselors can work with your anger issues, why the heck would you need his help in that.

Thanks Wendy. You're right, I seen his face in court yesterday. He looked at me like, "why aren't you helping me get out of here?" He put a lot of stuff in that letter that he wanted me to do, mainly to write him, and I haven't. I haven't said a word. I just didn't realize it until you said that. Thank you.

Hon, he can't tell why any more than a dog can tell you why it bit.


In a way, you doing absolutely nothing will make him suffer as much as anything can. Essentially, though, abusers suffer all the time; how else can you do such things to people you*love* unless your internal compass is warped?

Thank you so much ladies. I'm sorry that you guys went through abuse, but I'm so glad you're here to give advice, because I sure don't know what the heck I'm doing! Thank you.

Kinda of an old thread -

What you can do is, get a "peaceful" contact order, however, that would mean he could have contact with you, expect he can't "threaten" you :rolleyes: - But honestly, there is no need for a "peaceful" contact order if all you want to do is write to him...You can write to him anyway, he just can't write you back. So, in other words, you can say what you need to say to him...but he can't respond, even though they do find ways to respond anyway...which I can't get into on here!

Just my 2cents!!

I know how you feel, BIG TIME, I wrote a letter that was long and TYPED ( so he wouldnt have the please of seeing my written words) and then sent it to him. It did help me a great deal to get it all out. Months later I wrote a victims impact statement, didnt leave anything out, and then sent it to TDCJ. I can tell you for a fact that not answering the phone to speak to him, not writing him, will send him a crystal clear message of how mad you are, how you are hurt, and it will tell him more than any words you write or you speaking to him in person . Ignoring an abuser is their ultimate punishment.