I have waited nearly 17 years for OJ’s release, he comes home the first week of February.

17 years of more bumps in the road than I care to remember. Yet I stayed in his corner 100%. Now here we are weeks away from his release and I’m having all sorts of doubts about our future.

Lately he speaks more about his dreams and desires upon being released, and many of them I can’t relate to. Most seems like far-fetched fantasies that many long timers have, for example: the invention, that’s going to free him from any financial worries. I don’t mean to be negative or a pessimist, but the reality is, if it were so easy to get an idea patented, a proto type made and successfully market it, most people would be extremely wealthy. Not to mention how much money is needed to get the above accomplished.

I’m into being fit and eating healthy, but I’m not obsessed with it, like he is. He talks about immediately ordering a “Crossbow”, and not just the standard equipment, he want the one with the computerized digital monitor. And then there’s all these expensive omega acids and vitamins, he wants to stop and buy on our way home. I’m not saying he can’t have any of these things, but how realistic is it to spend money on those things, when you’ve been gone 17 years and need all the necessities like clothes and transportation. But why worry about any of that when the woman that loves you owns more than one car and will make sure you have what you need. I think I’m hurting him more than helping.

I’m starting to question where OJ is emotionally; did he stop growing when he lost his freedom? I listen to some of the things he talks about and he sounds like one of my children, instead of a man in his forties. I’m very curious to know if there are studies pertaining to emotional growth being stunted by incarceration. I know through my own counseling that many of my ideals and growth were stunted by the death of my mother when I was 11 years old.

I’ve struggled to obtain an education and to make my way. Today I am a 45 year old executive, who owns a beautiful home, drives a luxury car and has pretty much all the materials things a person could dream of. I’ve never been a get rich quick kind of dreamer; I knew I had to work for everything I have.

I’m starting to feel like having OJ here will feel like I have another child to raise. And quite frankly I don’t feel up to it. I’m also starting to feel like some Co-dependency poster child, have I stuck around all these years to fulfill this need in me, to never abandon him, because of my own fear of abandonment stemming from the loss of my mom at such an early age.

I’m feeling so bad right now, why am I now just admitting all these feelings, thoughts and fears. I’ve walked out of many a visits feeling like.. wtf was that about, I rationalized everything by saying, it’s because he’s limited and by his surroundings and that’s why his conversation is so immature. But now that we’re down to the wire, I’m afraid that this man I love with all my heart and I have nothing in common.

I question will he fit into my world. My professional and personal life has me in daily communications with CEO’s and Executives with major corporations such as Exxon, Ford Motor and other fortune 100 companies. I lobby in Springfield and Washington for Children’s Rights and I’m very active during election years for the candidates of my choice. I attend fund raising dinners and have conversations concerning world events, yet the man I’m about to pick up would prefer speaking about how much protein he’s ingested, or how much weight he can lift, what exercise magazine I should order or what gym he wants to join.

Someone please tell me this is a temporary thing and he’ll catch up emotionally. I swear I love this man, but aside from the physical, I don’t know what we’ll share.

Sometimes I think I’m making this to easy for him.. Maybe the best thing I can do for this man I love. Is to allow him to find himself.

Well, it does sound like trouble in paradise. I'm really sorry to have to say that to you, but I do have to be honest.

You're right that he's not thinking rationally about it all, but with your lifestyle, he just assumes that it's his for the asking as well, since you've stood by him all this time. If you have a problem with it, and you want him to develop a responsible life of his own not depending on what you provide, then there will most likely be some great big difficulties.

And of course he isn't going to fit into that lifestyle! He's been in prison all those years and in prison, time stops. He'd have trouble coming out and fitting into any lower income level way removed from where you are. To jump out of 17 years in prison to an upper middle class lifestyle like you have is like jumping to the moon for someone in his place.

If you decide to heed your better judgment and tell him he has to establish himself on his own merit, you'd better tell him now----don't wait till he gets out and then try to tell him. No matter when you tell him, he's gonna really be upset, I guarantee you. It would be better to tell him now and have a buffer of letting him get used to it in there, not out here.

I don't blame you for having all the second thoughts. I'm just sorry it didn't hit you a lot sooner, for both your sakes. Let me know if there's any way I can help. PM me any time.

My heart really goes out to you. I don't say that he can't eventually somehow fit into your life. I'm just concerned at what trying to help him get up to speed will do for your professional life and your family life.

Did he come from a background similar to your lifestyle? If so, then he might make the transition more easily in some respects.

Don't worry so much! My Son just got out right before Christmas. He to, wanted to go shopping , like I had all the money in the world. Believe me, once your man is out, he will see how our world is, real quick. My Son is already working, just after 5 days of being out. Don't sweat the small things, your man will be so happy just to get out of that hell hole. Just take it one day at a time. He will adjust. Good luck and God Bless, Lori,..

Thank you both for responding. I honestly believe I’m going through the pre release jitters. I’ve got a horrible case of the “what if’s”.

What I failed to mention in my original post is OJ is not an indigent. The man can afford all the things he wants and is not expecting me to pay for them. OJ also has an advance degree and is one of the best-read people I know. Intellectually I know he is limited to his daily activities available to him, and that’s why those are the things he speaks about.

Toi.. OJ and I come from very similar backgrounds. OJ has always encouraged me to go further, if it hadn’t been for him I don’t believe I’d have made it as far as I have. He’s the one that did the research needed to help me obtain the funding for my education. He had faith in my abilities even when I didn’t.

OJ is also the most sensitive, caring, respectful man I know. My safety and well-being has always come first. He’s never wanted anyone to be able to say he took anything from me, or is with me for what I have. The man has never asked me for a dime, and I’m being honest with you. There have been a few times throughout the years that I sent him 50.00, but he’s always gotten upset with me, when I’ve done that. I’m sitting here with a 200.00-dollar money order I received in the mail yesterday from him. It’s money I’m suppose to use for a motel the night before his release, he can leave after count checks (around 8:00) he doesn’t want me driving in the early morning darkness to get there by 8:00am. Nor does he like the idea of me having to drive 2 ½ hours, only to have to turn right around and drive home.

I think many of my fears come from so-called well wishing friends, who plant all this negativity in my head. Basically people who think stating all the possible pitfalls, is helping me. I have a few friends that I love like sisters, and I know they only have my best interest at heart, so I try to respect their opinions, but the truth be known. They don’t have a clue.

It’s been through my political involvement that OJ was placed at East Moline, East Mo is Illinois lowest security prison with free movement, no bars or locking doors. Basically an inmate could very easily walk away if he chose to. Violent offenders can’t be placed there, well guess what, my guy is in for murder, yet been there two years. OJ wrote the most eloquent letters of gratitude to the senator and congressman that made it possible for him to be there. I know he’ll fit in and no one would ever guess where he’s spent the past 16 plus years. He’s arranged a support network to help him transition back into society, that we both will participate in.

I’m on this emotional roller coaster, maybe my fear is not being needed anymore, all these years OJ depended on me to be there. Once he’s free he won’t need that support, I’ve been his eyes, ears, hands on the outside, tending to his mom and handling much of his business. None of my fears are rational, but they’re real to me. Like I said I’m have pre release jitter, not much different then pre marriage cold feet. But when I list the pro & cons of having OJ in my life, the pro list dwarfs the cons list by a mile.

So please bear with me over these next 34 days..

Oh Monica,
You are going through it, aren't you. You've waited so long! I think you should stop future tripping and take it day by day, if that's possible. OJ will be like a kid in a candy store when he first gets out, seeing the world with new eyes, wanting to taste all this new food, etc...it will be, on some level, like introducing a foreigner from a 3rd world country into modern society. I mean, I know that intellectually he's kept up with
the free world, but imagine how he's going to be at some upscale grocery store!!!!!!!! Or in a music store! Yes, he's going to want to shop and eat and build his body. And detox from prison-stress and rest and relax...Yes, he may be like another kid, for a while, but he'll adjust. You also don't have to do this. You can opt out. You're not obligated. Or you can do a 60-day trial period or something. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. If you're not sure you want him to live with you, can you help him find an apartment nearby or ????? Yanno. Look for the win-win where you can meet both of your needs with as little upheaval into your life...I guess. I dunno. I really have no idea. In terms of the "get rich quick" stuff, best thing that he can do without much of an investment is write an autobiography. Patents costs thousands, you know that. Here's one thing that you guys could do! Start a business packaging instant Espresso and other gourmet coffees in plastic containers (it's only available in glass) so prisoners can have decent coffee and not just Folgers. You'll make millions!!

Love,
Moonflower

Hi! Okay, right off the bat, I am no expert. But what OJ talks about, that is HIS life and has been his life for 17 years so if seems like y'all are thinking about his release on two different levels, you are.

I don't know how open OJ would be to some post-incarceration counseling. Not that anything is wrong, but I am sure that there are many deep emotional scars that he has developed that a professional will be able to help him through. I am not even sure if this type of therapy is available, but it should be.

Your nervousness/apprehension is normal but as another poster said, try to take it "day by day". Worrying is a burden that God didn't give you. My thoughts are with you.

Well, it's good to hear that he's got his own things going on so he's not going to be leaning all on you. In that case, just cross your bridges as you get to them. There will be some bridges! LOL But you have all the inner strength you need to get through whatever comes. I can tell that about you. It sounds like he's a very responsible guy when it comes to not using you and that's very rare. Now I see more where you're coming from.

Just put those cold feet in a hot tub and try to relax, girl. Don't buy problems you don't have yet. Just see what happens when he walks out those doors. Of course it's going to be culture shock after 17 years and it won't go away overnight, but he can find his way with the right support.

Thanks Ladies.. I suppose some of what I'm going through should be expected and is normal. I also know I'm projecting, hense stressing the heck out of myself, about things that probably won't happen.

I know he's a good man, with a heart of gold, who'd rather burn in hell than ever see me hurting. I got to stop all this fretting and relax!

Thanks again my sisters.. I'm telling you without you all.. I'd be pulling my hair out. This next month is bound to be filled with highs and lows.. I'm just so thankful to have all of you to lean on.