:angry:

Ladies, and any gents in this forum, I am furious!

By the way, I'm new to this forum. Unfortunately, my husband came home from prison in January and decided that he wanted to "put me in my place" a few times.

He is back in custody and for the first time since his release, I am safe. But my anger isn't with him (it is, but that's not what this thread is about) but more so with the people in society. My own family has said to me, "I didn't think you would have the guts to stand up to him. I thought you'd protect him." :mad: I can't tell you how mad that makes me!!

My father raised me. God rest his soul, he died 2 weeks ago. Thank God he didn't know that my husband was beating me. My father taught me to be independent and to not depend on ANY man. So when my husband started abusing me, it threw me for a loop at first. I had never had anyone put their hands on me. I was dazed. Then it happened again, and it was worse. At that time, I started taking control of the situation. I told him I wasn't scared of him anymore and that if he ever did it again, I was going to call the police.

I kept my word, I called. I was not going to let continue to beat me. Sitting in the ER at 1:00 am bleeding and not being able to see out of my eyes was horrible. Now, a week later, having to go to work and out in public with 2 black eyes is very embarrassing.

My anger comes in with that I'm getting so much flack from people about how "you're a life, you can't let him do this to you, don't go back, don't drop the charges". Now, I realize that a lot of abused women do go back and drop charges and all of that. I also realize that DV victims are almost always portrayed that way on TV as well.

I don't know how to get people to see that I am not the sterotype of the battered wife. I gathered evidence, I called the police, he's locked back up, I have the restraining order, I'm doing what I am supposed to and am NOT backing down. How do I get people to realize that without getting an attitude with them? I'm so frustrated with everyone trying to tell me what to do and to butt into the situation. I am at my whit's end. I guess my only option is to just start telling people that I walked into a door or something. I don't wanna lie, but dang, I'm going off the deep! :help:

There are alot of women who are not stereotype but there are more who are the stereotype. The people you come in contact with only wants what is best for you and they are worried that he will smooth talk his way back in. and some of it might have to do with you waiting for him in the past.
And maybe they think he was abusing you all long.

I'm sorry that he did this to you. But I'm glad that your not the stereotype.

I didn't factor in the fact that I had waited on him in prison. That's a good point. Thank you for bringing that to my attention.

Sometimes we forget to look at everything when it involves yourself.. I hope that you keep moving forward. And I forgot to say Sorry about the loss of your father.

I don't know how to get people to see that I am not the sterotype of the battered wife.

Keep telling them "Look, I appreciate your concern but there's no need to worry- I'm not about to let it happen again!" and repeat that sentence as needed.... if someone does not catch a clue after two or three times then feel free to ask them why they don't understand that you're not interested in being a victim and tell them that their casting you as one is not helpful.

OMG-thank God its over! So sorry to read this hunnie. Really I am.
But you know there is NOTHING you can do or say to convince *some* people of anything. Its been 8 years since I left an abusive husband and people STILL think that one day they will see us together-Not!:nono:
And we have 2 kids together. But being hit while 7 months pregnant was a wake up call form the Good Man above.
You don't have to bump my head twice.
You are a very strong person and very wise -You will def. grow wiser behind this and move on to a better life all around.
Lessons well learned and remembered.
Your avatar says it all!
God Bless and good luck!:grouphug:

I rarely through in my two cents worth, but I certainly hope to see you back and being an inspiration to those that don't have the strength you do. Kudos to you.

Hon, you're enough of a stereotype that it got to the physical abuse twice (at least). Before that, you were either ignoring all the other controls he put on you, or you agreed to them and didn't realize they were abusive, too.

Domestic abuse almost never starts out physical. There will be all sorts of other, non-physical, methods used, and the abuse grows and grows until the hitting/spitting/choking or whatever.

But the real point, regardless, is that you've gotten out! The stereotype doesn't matter; all that does is that you are now safe. And those who care about you will be glad for you. Concentrate on that.

I guess my only option is to just start telling people that I walked into a door or something. I don't wanna lie, but dang, I'm going off the deep!

Unfortunatly the vast majority isn't going to believe that. Example: I really did get hit by a door. A 150lb dog jumped up on it and it wasn't latched correctly so wham right in the eye. I had to go to work two days later. My eye would open finally but I looked like Mike Tyson of back in the day had laid one on me. Now the people at work KNOW Tyrone is in prison. It got back to me later on that people were saying he must have been release and beat the s**t out of me. What a crock!

Anywho, don't lie. Don't tell them anything. You don't owe anyone an explaination. You know what you are going to do and that's what matters.

LMAO at TyronesWife- I was an exotic dancer for a while and when I was learning how to do both floor and pole work, I looked as if I'd been worked over with a bat (Those blue lights are not to "set a mood" they are to allow the dancers to look better- They hide bruises, dark circles, etc, better than any makeup!)... my OB/GYN was not buyin' the truth until I got ticked off about the grilling, got a VIP pass (Good for cover charge and 1 drink) out of my purse and told her to come watch me perform if she was SO sure I was lying about the cause of the bruises. (I found a new doc after that.)

LMAO at TyronesWife- I was an exotic dancer for a while and when I was learning how to do both floor and pole work, I looked as if I'd been worked over with a bat (Those blue lights are not to "set a mood" they are to allow the dancers to look better- They hide bruises, dark circles, etc, better than any makeup!)... my OB/GYN was not buyin' the truth until I got ticked off about the grilling, got a VIP pass (Good for cover charge and 1 drink) out of my purse and told her to come watch me perform if she was SO sure I was lying about the cause of the bruises. (I found a new doc after that.)

At the time I was mad as hell, more on Tyrone's behalf because they thought he was an abuser. Later on I thought about the ridiculousness of it all and laughed for a good hour. I even called my friends and was like "You're never going to believe this..." just so they could have a good laugh too. :thumbsup:

I wish I would have had the guts to leave my ex husband the first time he hit me. He had beat me down so badly emotionally, that I felt like I deserved what I was getting. It took me 9 years to leave him.
I am proud of you for standing up for yourself and not letting it continue. I hope other women who are dealing with an abusive husband/bf will see what you've done and gain some strength from you!!!

You are an incredibly strong, smart lady and I applaud you, sincerely....
When the dust has settled everyone will see for themselves just how strong and smart you are. Until then, I would just nod and smile and know within myself what I am capable of....

On a side note, and Honestly NOT a jab at you Ladylyke, I am just wondering if anyone could fathom a reason why the word "stereotype" is making my gut clench.... It has never bothered me when referring to the abusers but for some reason it is setting my teeth on edge used in THIS context..... I even feel hypocritical about it but can't seem to stop it....

Hon, you're enough of a stereotype that it got to the physical abuse twice (at least). Before that, you were either ignoring all the other controls he put on you, or you agreed to them and didn't realize they were abusive, too.


My husband had threatened to kill me if I called the police on him. So the first time he laid hands on me, I knew I couldn't call because he'd be on a 48-hour hold and then, he'd kill me.

Since that first (and second was the next day) incident, I had been planning my escape, carefully. I was dazed for a few days, but I realized what was going on and started doing something about it. Unfortunately, my father died in the middle of my planning which set it back. It gave my husband more time and access to me because I was having to play the role of the sweet little wife in front of everyone so no one would know what I was doing.

Fortunately, my plan worked and that's why he's locked up right now and not just on a 48 hour hold. Him being locked up is the ONLY way I would be safe. He is 1,000% institutionalized and is prepared to spend the rest of his life in prison. Killing me would have just sealed the deal.

So no, I wasn't ignoring it and I wasn't agreeing to it either. I just couldn't jump and call the police without anything to hold him. With a man like my husband, I had to out smart him, and unfortunately for me, that meant I had to endure more abuse to get it done and done right.

I just want people to know that it is possible to be strong and to take control of your life. You just have to be smart. Sure, I have my weak days where I just want to talk to him and to see how he feels, but I can't. I was told if I miss 5 days at work, my job is in jeopardy. I don't want to loose my job, but I'm not giving up. I'm not dropping the charges. I'm not letting him win. I'm going at this full speed even if I do look like a raccoon. :)

I am just wondering if anyone could fathom a reason why the word "stereotype" is making my gut clench.... It has never bothered me when referring to the abusers but for some reason it is setting my teeth on edge used in THIS context..... I even feel hypocritical about it but can't seem to stop it....


I've been carefully ignoring that feeling, but yes, of course, it makes your stomach knot up- No one likes having to look at the idea that what they've been through in their actual life is so commonplace that it's a stereotype- Naturally, each of us has had a totally unique experience but some themes are shared by many... I'm no bloomin' stereotype, either, nor a set of statistics- but I also AM those things, just because so many others have gone through such similar trials.:o

Yeah that's my bad, I couldn't really think of a word to use to describe it other than typical and typical seemed worse to me than stereotype. Sorry ladies, I'm just really, really frustrated and quite frankly, pissed off. Maybe I skip the sad feelings and go straight to being angry. :shrug: I've never been through this before so I don't know if it's even normal to be mad.

Thanks LeBeau, now that I know I'm not the only one, I feel a lil better about it!! LOL... Catch 22 huh?.

No Ladylyke NOT your bad, just the way it is. Doesn't mean we have to like it.....

Actually, and I'm not saying this to be perverse, I was glad that I was stereotypical, because that meant that someone else had been here before me, so there someone who could help me get out.

Ladylyke, you were not at all wrong to use that term- it is the correct word for what you were expressing. There IS a stereotype of "The Battered Woman" and, like all generalizations, it is rarely accurate when applied to an individual but does reflect that certain traits, patterns or actions exist within a subculture... and that stereotype that made some of us flinch exists because so many of us DO keep trying to make it work, keep excusing the abuse, keep ignoring the warning signs, etc.... Truth is often uncomfortable, and the truth is that while that stereotypical image does not fit any of us like Cinderella's slipper, a great many of us wore a similar shoe. :shrug: That's for us to come to terms with, but you owe no apology for using the word:cool:


And yes, being mad... actually pissed off beyond belief... is normal but you've hit "anger" sooner than is average. You may or may not have skipped over neccessary steps along the way, I can't even hazard a guess, but if you keep honest with yourself about what you're feeling, I expect you'll process it all ok.

Thanks everyone. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. I wish my eyes would heal up and this stupid knot on my head. I hate having to answer questions about it.

Go to the health food store and get some Arnica tablets and vitamin C cream... both speed the healing of bruises.


Green tea, ginger and anything containing hot peppers will also help clear the bruising by increasing circulation.

Check with your doc first, but an aspirin each day might also help by thinning your blood a bit.

Actually, and I'm not saying this to be perverse, I was glad that I was stereotypical, because that meant that someone else had been here before me, so there someone who could help me get out.


And I wished I was stereotypical - during the last battering when I went to get my things ex totally lost control and smashed my face up in front of someone. Up until then we had always been alone and my face never got touched. Nobody believes unless they get to see :(