It feels that way. It feels like I have known him forever. The truth is that I have only known him for a short period of time. We just clicked and became sooo close sooooooooo fast, and it scares me. It scares me that it feels like he's the missing part of me - if there is such a thing. Had I met him on the streets, I truly believe that I would have fallen in love with him at first sight. I have never seen him, never heard his voice, but it doesn't matter. I still know - there is something special about this man.

I am from Europe - he's from USA. Geez, what am I thinking?? IF he makes parole in October 2004 - he will be on parole till 2013. He might be allowed to leave the country to visit me, but maybe not. I can move over - sure. But WHAT am I thinking? I have children. I have family HERE. I am born HERE. I am Eurpoean. I am also in love. I think. If I could let go of the fear of the unknown I would know what true love is.

If there is a will there is a way. So they say. I think I have the will. If the fear would go away. Not only do I fear all the possible problems we may face, I also fear that my fear will make me turn my back on THE ONE.

I am not someone to give up easily. But I look around on PTO and I read and read - all the sad stories and the happy ones. And I wonder - who ARE all these strong ladies? Can I identify myself with them?

*Sigh* Maybe I don't make sense at all. I am a mixture of feelings and they are all running wild and it is hard to write what I think when everything is such a blur.

I don't fall in love easily. How come I fell in love so fast with B? (I am not looking for anyone to answer that - hee hee) I have some experience with the prison system after writing with Death row inmates a couple of years. That was actually the reason why I wrote B in the first place. I got exhausted, it was so hard to deal with execution dates, appeals, stays and so forth and I decided to be a pen pal to someone with a release date. And - I find myself falling and I don't even know how it happened. He just had me with the first hello. In his very first letter I felt something was special with this man. I think we are about to set the world record in long and many letters in the shortest period of time... he he. He makes me laugh. He makes me think. We discuss politics, life and issues I have never even thought about before.

Why can't I just RELAX and take day by day? Why can't I just enjoy this and see what happens? Why am I looking for potential problems somewhere in the future when things are just wonderful right here and now?

I just miss him. Maybe that is what it is? I just miss him and I am insecure and all of this just bring out everything possible and impossible maybe? It is so hard to have all these feelings and not be able to live them out in any way other than written form.

But - he says he loves me - he thinks. I say I love him. I think, so I think that we will both just wait and see what happens and use this time to get to know each other better - and ONE day he WILL be free - and maybe then we'll find out for sure. As long as I feel the way I do - I will just have to stick around and take what comes next. Right? Right!

Thank you for listening.

I just miss him. Maybe that is what it is? I just miss him and I am insecure and all of this just bring out everything possible and impossible maybe? It is so hard to have all these feelings and not be able to live them out in any way other than written form.

((hugs))
do me a favor & stop thinking...lol im kidding :D
but seriously, dont get yourself all worked up about this. i met mine through a pen pal website...its been 3 years 2 months & 10 days since he got my 1st letter (i know that because he is a document freak (among other things lol)....)

i know what its like to live through the mail..live through paper & pens & stamps...stalking the mailman (yes i still do it..i even told mine thats what its called lol). i love him w/every inch of me...and i know he loves me too. it took time for me to open up..i am only 22 1/2 (yes i still count the 1/2 lol), and i have live more then most older people. i have had a life of crap..it is still difficult for me to tell him about some of the YUCK i went through when i was younger..but each day i find it easier to deal with it..and one day, he will know everything about me..the good & the bad...he is the sunshine that brightens my day. :)

i know that one day mine will be free...(just a few more years)..and then we wont have to worry about pens, paper, stamps, envelopes, $$, mailmen...etc etc etc.

just take each day as it comes...and live each day like its your last.

xoxo
melissa

Melissa... you are SOOOOO right. Hehehe. It is so obvious, isn't it? I just gotta stop thinking. Hehe. My B is in Texas also. Must be something about those Cowboys huh?

Thank you, Melissa!! Oh - I am 30 and - ehm - a half, but I usually skip the 1/2 now. Hehe.

shoot i'm 48 and i met mine thru letters and its like i was holding all my air inside and now i can exhale,i get jitters when we talk,feel like a school girl passing notes,ya know "do you love me ? check yes or no!remember that feeling?

I LIVE those feelings, dkr55. I am almost sure that my heart has moved down to my stomach every time I send a letter and when I receive one. "Has he changed his mind?" "Does he REALLY love me??" Hehe. The first stage of falling in love is temporarily insanity - hehe - that is what I always say. Can not sleep - can not think about anything BUT... *phew* I can't wait to hear from him again.... Since he's in Texas he can't call - only five minutes every 90 days - and I think he will call me in January and I will hear his voice and probably fall even more in love.

I am so glad there are others that met their loved ones thru letters. Tells me I am not a nut case - and if I am - I am not alone in the nut case boat. Hehehe.

Temporary insanity??? I feel that still and we've been married for a year. She can not ever write me too many letters. We get the same five minute treatment too, she's also in TDCJ.

No nutcases here, just people who believe in the power of love and the bright future it promises :)

Cassi, I know what you are going through with thinking about moving to be closer to him. I recently wrote Nick a letter and told him I was thinking about moving back to Illinois, getting a job out there and a place for us for when he comes home, etc. The thing is, my kids (ages 16 & 13) pretty much told me that if I went, I was going alone. Not in so many words, but they like it out here in New York and want to stay here. For a brief period (hmmm, maybe it is temporary insanity) I actually considered leaving them here with their dad. Anyway, it was Nick that actually talked some sense into me. I am a very impulsive person, and 9 times out of 10 will leap before I look. He told me that he would love to have me closer, but my getting my degree finished, getting a job before I up and moved, etc. was way more important than sitting in a visiting room with him. So I came to my senses and decided to at least wait until I have my degree in hand before I think about moving.

Anyway, it just goes to show you how powerful love is and how powerful the draw to be with that one special person can be. So if you're insane (temporarily anyway), get a straight jacket for me too! :)

You guys are funny. Hehe.

Goose bumps - well - I hear ya. Temporary for a very long time then, huh? It is nice to read that you are so much in love after - how many years?

Nicky's girl - straight jacket coming up. I'll nit one or something. At least it will help us keep warm, eh? LOL.

I have not heard from B in a week. Mail takes "forever" from there to here, and the holidays don't help. But soon comes January and no more holidays for a while. PHEW!! I also found out yesterday that I am approved on his visiting list, so Texas - HERE I come. In a few months. Geez - where's my passport?? Ohhh right... I don't have a passport... I will have one though - SOON.

hello cassi...i am hilde from belgium...about 8 years ago I started writing to a few men in prison and one became very special...I was divorced and have three children, but after writing hom for a few years I just left and went over to visit...it was exciting and so wonderfull, all I hope and dreamed it would be...but he has multiple life and we don't know when he will be free...but I do visit him every year, or try that...because it is difficult if you can't do that, but...it is also very difficult to walk away from the visiting room and go back home to normal life alone again...you do sounds so full of him...hey, be brave and just go see him...life is an adventure, right?

YES - life is an adventure. I plan to study in USA - and for some ODD reason I think I will study in Texas. LOL. I have always thought I'd do that some day, and I think maybe that day will come before I originally thought I'd go. I have even discussed it with my children and they almost started to pack. LOL. I will go in maybe two - three years, so I am not rushing it. But just the thought and the knowledge that I will some day is enough for now. I will most definitively try to make it over once a year. I am going either spring OR fall 2004. That depends on when I will be on my friend in Polunsky's visiting list. I want to visit them both. The two B's in my life.

Yes, I am rather full of him and it still scares me. But I am trying to follow the good advice Melissa gave me and stop thinking. Hehe. The reason I am so afraid is that I was a "victim" of a prison scam. Someone I thought I knew inside out - knew his family - thought I knew EVERYTHING turned out to deceive me, play my every string - and that made me put my guard up HIGH. I do not want to punish B for someone else's crime, but after being so badly hurt as I was - I just have to be careful because I really don't want to go thru anything like that again...

B knows about my bad experience though and his mission in life is the prove to me that there are decent "inmates" too. *Smile* I already know THAT, and I guess what he means is that he will prove to me that it is possible to fall in love like this and show me it can be a good thing.

I can sympathize with you on that...I met my guy not too long ago but it seems as if we have been knowing each other forever and it's so wonderful i just keep thinking that one day i'll wake up and it would all have been a dream. We just keep taking everything one day at a time. I never thought that i would find so much comfort, protection, and joy in a man that was locked up. He makes me feel like the only girl in the world and that together we can do anything. I find myself doing things like going to the grocery and pretending that we're shopping together....he's always on my mind all day long in everything i do....my friends think that i am crazy to even entertain the thought of seeing a guy in prison. They feel that i should devote my time to someone that's already on the outside but there is no one that i have ever met that challenges my intellect the way he does or just makes me want to be a better me. I told him that i am a very patient woman and that I don't have a problem with waiting for him to get out....I think he has about 2-5 yrs left.....you know if someone would've told me sometime ago that i would be corresponding with and potentially falling in love with a guy on the inside i would've told them they were crazy but life has a funny way of giving you what you ask for!!!!!!!!! Thanx for letting me vent a bit.