Abusive Relationships - Warning Signs
Warning Signs of physical abuse, emotional abuse, dating violence, sexual harassment. Usually, abuse in relationships doesn't just come out of nowhere. Often, there are many warning signs that indicate the potential for violence.

To help determine if you are in an abusive relationship, check out these warning signs...

You may be headed for danger if you date someone who:

Tries to isolate you from friends and family.
Does not want you to spend time with anybody else.
Hits, punches, kicks or shoves you. Or, threatens to hurt you in any way.
Is extremely jealous.
Gets mad when you talk to other people.
Is possessive. Treats you like a belonging and does not want you to share your time with other people.
Is controlling. Insists that you call to check in or ask permission to do things.
Tries to control what you wear, what you do and how you act.
.....Read on at Takecareonline (http://www.takecareonline.org/warning_signs.htm)

wilfred,
excellent post for the ladies out there. I think you did an awesome job. What I've noticed too is a guy will sometimes start off being verbally abusive and work their way up. Ladies, if you see any of these warning signs, please get out of things while you can and please remember, it's not your fault, so many women I know that have gone through this crap blame themselves for what happened. I know it's a normal reaction, but really it's not your fault, there is no reason a guy needs to get abusive towards you. Another big thing is if he abuses you and then says he's sorry and it won't happen again. If he can't control his anger, he can't control his anger. I've seen women literally become punching bags, and trust me I've stepped in. There is not any reason a guy should treat a woman like that. I had a neighbor names Liz, her husband was abusing her and I never caught it until one day I was there and she said something and he told her he didn't tell her she could say anything and to shut the f up. Sorry, I opened my mouth right there and then. I also spoke to Liz a few other times and found out he was physically abusive too. Stupid me like I needed to be told, anyways, I helped Liz and her kids get out of the situation and now she is safe thank God. After her husband would go off, once he calmed down he was sorry. The guy to this day is not getting the help he needs. So please take wilfreds advice to heart as well as mine, I wouldn't want to hear thet any of you got beat or beat so bad, you were hurt or worse.

joe

Your abuser will ALWAYS be sorry, but it will ALWAYS be your fault, in their mind. They will make it that way, and they will do everything they can to make you believe it too.

I've always refused to take physical abuse, that, you can see coming. Mental/emotional/verbal abuse, is much more insidious and harder not only for you to see, but often, NO ONE outside the home will see it, if he's very smart.

For years, people would always comment on how charming and handsome my ex husband was. And most of the time, he was. By the end of our run together (14 years, 9 of those married), people who got to see the REAL him, always asked me "how did you wind up married to such an incredible P***K? And I would tell them exactly how, that the man I married, those years ago, was not the man that they had seen. He was a chameleon, completely separate people. And he was "sorry" when he felt he'd pushed me too far, and that I might actually get up and go. And the day I finally left him, that I told him I was done, and not taking any more of his crap? He had the audacity to cry. Yes, stand in front of me and shed tears and tell me he felt like he was losing his whole world. But, over the course of that 14 years, I had been slowly cut off from everyone else, I had a few friends, that he would allow me to talk to or have over (I always had to get permission first). And it just all seemed so "normal" to me that I never realized until I thought I was losing my mind, that it was all of the abuse I had survived (because I am a victim of nothing), and that was what made me strong enough to finally stand up and say "enough" and leave him.
I was fortunate in that he didn't kill me physically because he wasn't a physical abuser, and even more fortunate that he didn't drive me to suicide, because I'll tell you, there were some times when I certainly thought about it. I felt that worthless based on his torture.

Please, if you are in a relationship where he calls you names, insists that you account for your every move, tells you even when and how to eat, and what to wear, and ANY of that makes you uncomfortable, get HELP. It will only get worse, I can promise that.

Can I add one more thing? This applies to you guys too. Men, are often abused in relationships, but don't report it, because how would that look? My now husband, was frequently abused in past relationships. Slapped, punched, called names, told he was worthless. Sorry, abuse is a two way street, and it happens just as often to men as women.

So guys, don't take it either. If she's abusive, get out and get into a relationship where you are valued for who you are as a person. Don't worry about how it will "look" to anyone.

wilfred,
excellent post for the ladies out there. I think you did an awesome job. What I've noticed too is a guy will sometimes start off being verbally abusive and work their way up. Ladies, if you see any of these warning signs, please get out of things while you can and please remember, it's not your fault, so many women I know that have gone through this crap blame themselves for what happened. I know it's a normal reaction, but really it's not your fault, there is no reason a guy needs to get abusive towards you. Another big thing is if he abuses you and then says he's sorry and it won't happen again. If he can't control his anger, he can't control his anger. I've seen women literally become punching bags, and trust me I've stepped in. There is not any reason a guy should treat a woman like that. I had a neighbor names Liz, her husband was abusing her and I never caught it until one day I was there and she said something and he told her he didn't tell her she could say anything and to shut the f up. Sorry, I opened my mouth right there and then. I also spoke to Liz a few other times and found out he was physically abusive too. Stupid me like I needed to be told, anyways, I helped Liz and her kids get out of the situation and now she is safe thank God. After her husband would go off, once he calmed down he was sorry. The guy to this day is not getting the help he needs. So please take wilfreds advice to heart as well as mine, I wouldn't want to hear thet any of you got beat or beat so bad, you were hurt or worse.

joe

Thank you Joe!
My own daughter is currently living with an abuser, he has isolated her from family/friends, she realises shes got to leave him yet so far she doesn't feel shes strong enough. from what i see she has come totally dependent on him seeking permission from him to basically breathe
...but i guess thats how these 'abusers' like it! They are controllers a father figure would not hurt or try control you the way half of these guys do. Joe is right a woman should Not blame herself any guy who behaves in this manner has huge issues mainly insecurity...they try blame you but
if it wasn't you it would be any other woman he became involved with.

Thank you Joe!
My own daughter is currently living with an abuser, he has isolated her from family/friends, she realises shes got to leave him yet so far she doesn't feel shes strong enough. from what i see she has come totally dependent on him seeking permission from him to basically breathe
...but i guess thats how these 'abusers' like it! They are controllers a father figure would not hurt or try control you the way half of these guys do. Joe is right a woman should Not blame herself any guy who behaves in this manner has huge issues mainly insecurity...they try blame you but
if it wasn't you it would be any other woman he became involved with.

As a survivor of an abusive mother, and an abusive spouse (both emotional/mental), it's not so much that they try to blame you, but they tear you down so far, that you will blame yourself for pretty much anything, just to keep them happy. It's so sneaky and underhanded. Physical abusers will come right out and tell you that you "made" them hit you. Emotional abusers just chip at you until you have nothing left at all to fight them with. And the same is true for men or women - particularly with emotional abuse. My current spouse has been in several abusive relationships, where he was punched, slapped, kicked, called names, etc. Sorry, that's abuse just as much as if he had been doing it to a woman.

If you check the stickies, you will find a posting about abusive women - we are really ecumenical on that issue. I had a verbally/emotionally abusive mother, and my son has just divorced a similar woman!

Wow, maybe I was in an abusive relationship ... my Ex used to make me ask permission before I would go out with friends, He didn't like for me to hang with people he didnt know, he used to talk about my weight all the time (i'm 5'10 and 190lbs, not fat but not skinny) I didn't think much of it. We got into our fights, I had bruises but so did he!! I never thought it was a case of DV. Looking back all I can do is thank GOD I LET HIM WALK OUT OF MY LIFE!!! everything happens for a reason. I now know the warning signs. I appreciate this post, Gotta love PTO!!

The Worsening Cycle of Abuse
[LEFT][FONT=Arial]A person who abuses others is often self absorbed with themselves and with the power they crave. They are narcissistic in the sense that they believe that they are superior and often have extreme contempt towards the rights and needs of others. The following four drawings illustrate the worsening cycle of abuse.

http://home.earthlink.net/~elnunes/coabuse.htm

Abuse is definitely a two way street. my father was severely abusive; he beat her til she bled, blacked both eyes, try to break her arms, raped her, and put a gun to her head. all along i was in a room listening to her scream. it was awful! finally, she got the balls to leave him. he beat her so bad one night that a cop said to call and ask for him personally if he showed back up. between the drug use and just being a control freak i don't think he will ever change. even his other ex-wife went into hiding after she left him with their kids who are adults now. i faced him head on when i reached my teen years. he had no choice but to back down from a strong person since abusers prey on the weak.
i actually let myself be abused in a relationship and it happened so fast i didn't even see it coming but when he attacked me in public that was it and now we barely speak. i had already left him but just seeing me out sent him into a rage that he wasn't able to control me anymore.
i have also seen many women and i myself have to keep myself in check. it's common for kids with an abusive childhood to be in abusive relationships or be the abuser. it's time to break the cycle!

Thanks for sharing... It must have been awful to grow up with all that and be powerless to change the situation and I applaud you for recognizing that it might impact how you deal with certain situations.