I know I haven't put a story on here or an introduction because I didn't join this site for any reasons relating to my abusive marriage... but peeking in these forums has really been helping me to bring some issues back to the surface and hopefully deal with them once and for all.

I just have a question... is threatening to commit suicide a fairly common means of manipulation? While I was married my ex threatened quite frequently to kill himself if I did this or that... usually when I started thinking about leaving him.

Now that we are divorced and I have a restraining order (which is basically worthless, BTW) he's still getting messages to me... he called my mom and told her to "kiss my daughter goodbye and tell (me) that i'm sorry for everything" and told her that he couldn't live without us and he would never forgive himself for what he did... then he told her to have me call him "One last time".

Well, I didn't call him and he didn't kill himself but the whole time since then I've been a little worried.. what if he was serious? What if one phone call could have saved him and I just blew him off?

I just feel in my heart that he was trying to manipulate me into calling him for some reason or another, but I am curious about how seriously I should have taken this. Anyone heard of manipulation like this? Or should I have called a crisis center or something?

I would call the local pysche unit or local police station and turn him in. I know mine has threatened to do this if i would ever leave him but he's incarcerated at the time but who's to say they will or they wont. I wouldnt want to wait and find out.

I took his abuse both physically and mentally for so long that by the time I had enough of him and was ready to make that break I would just look at him and let the sarcasm roll off my tounge and plainly ask him "And what method will you be using today dear?"

Trust me I know its not funny but when you hear that threat so many times over and over you finally realize he is just blowing smoke. The actual suicide carried out after a threat is far less common than the threat itself.

If the threat is carried out then you have to realize you are not at fault. He was fighting more than just the one demon within himself.

Yes- Suicide threats are a common manipulation tactic.
Don't accept that kind of obligation.
My response (now) would probably be to call the men in white coats and report him as a threat to himself but not to contact him.

I once dated a guy like that. He wasn't physically abusive but he was an incredible manipulator and he had a HUGE power on me. He used to invent lies all the time so I finally decided to leave, but then he told me he regretted all these lies. Actually he regretted them so much that he wanted to kill himself. Well, that was pure BS because he never did anything. He was doing that because he probably thought it would be the last "technique" he could use to keep me with him for a while. And it actually worked for a while. :(
Yes, threatening to comit suicide is a COMMON manipulation technique. It is very "efficient" because when someone says he or she's going to commit suicide s/he appears weak and depressed. Therefore you don't immediately feel they have control on you. However they make you feel guilty and you think that it is in YOUR power to prevent that person from doing it. But ultimately, the decision lies on HIS shoulder.
If you want to help that man, do what LeBeau suggested. Don't let him influence you or your daughter.
Good luck to you

Report him to a suicide prevention center and then sit back and let him deal. Of course it's a manipulation technique! But you should also be reporting the contacts - each violation of an order can bring its own neat little sentence, but not if you don't document and report.

I've heard that one too. If he didn't talk about suicide, he'd say "Well, if we aren't going to be together, I'm just going to catch a case and come back to jail, without you, I have nothing.'

I remember those days well. My ex used to tell me he was going to drive into oncoming traffic on the way home from visits with the kids!!. It was not good enough to threaten suicide, I would be told that he would take innocent bystanders out with him, AND. that it would be on MY head when he did!. Yeah I also got the line about him being better off in prison, personally, I agreed......

abuse/violence is about power; manipulation feeds that power. He is successfully putting himself into your head, trying to control you. Your questions are good and awareness is always a way to deter this kind of tactic. I would suggest that your family members, your mom specifically, be added to the restraining order. Report your "concern" to the police and also seek assistance with the restraining order. He is violating the intent of this order by passing messages on to your mom--it would be good to cut off this approach. All the best!

Sometimes they can make a perfectly compassionate woman want to ask "Well, if you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?"

Towards the end I did ask. The last time he ever said it,I told him I wished he would just do it, that way I could tell the kids he was a good man and I would not have to worry about him turning up in their lives when they were older. I can not lie to them while he is alive cos if he showed up later on, they would find out I lied to them about their father, he is NOT a good man and if I filled their heads with false images of who he is, they would be susceptible to his guile and get hurt!. They need to be forewarned. I don't wish to run him down to them, but when they are old enough to understand, I'll try to explain to them that he has an illness that can't be cured (just plain meanness?/ narcissism.). He gets out very soon, my order lasts for another year. But you are right LeBeau, I know I am NOT uncaring nor do I have no compassion, I had just HAD ENOUGH.....

Thanks a ton, guys! He has a way of making me second guess myself and I am glad to see I am not losing it!

no you're not ;) GOOD LUCK to you :D

I agree with LeBeau, this is not your responsibility but since you are worried, call the proper authorities so that he can get the help he needs. It is absolutely a manipulation tactic, however, he only knows how far he is prepared to go to make his point. Recognize that his choices are not yours to make only he can control those... and his manipulation should not dictate your choices... (ei. you leaving will cause his suicide), only you have the power to determine what is best for you.

I think its totally unfair to force someone to be with you.Its just as bad as keeping someone locked in a house against their will.It is sick-you don't have to deal w/that.And if you give in he will always do that trick to get what he desires.Mabey have your mom prepared to call authorities next time he does this.Or have her give him some numbers to a good doc.:)That happened w/ an ex and I called the police but he denied it when they showed up.I told him I would do that everytime he threatened that.I finally was and am free of him...and so,so, happy I moved on to my soulmate;)...God bless...

:(It is horrible is it not?I have had my husband even tie me and make me (supposedly watch him) to hang himself with our little boy alsowatching with me because of the threat to leave him ,it really tugs on the heart strings,the last time he went to prison I said no to picking him up and I was told that he actually was only seconds from dying and all because I wanted him to stand onhis own two feet,start helping me with the kids like with him it was like"oh dakota is doing this come and fix her up will you" he had a bad upbringing with being physically sexually and emotionally abused but he's not abused the kids its been mewho has had to do the disipline Grrrrrrr:confused:Now he is on the end of a sentence and im just praying that he won't do it again as ive said that he 'must' stay without me and the kids on the outside for atleast six months to find his feet on his own,here in Oz if we were to have an AVO and he rang my parents or any 3rd party he would be breached and jailed:eek:sounds like AVO's are useless,ive not even thought of it as it would not stop him anyway,DVO's appear to be a better way here to make them behave themselves,different countries have different laws though good luck and as my quote says 'empathy is the ulimate cure':banghead: imstill so scared he may do it I know I haven't put a story on here or an introduction because I didn't join this site for any reasons relating to my abusive marriage... but peeking in these forums has really been helping me to bring some issues back to the surface and hopefully deal with them once and for all.

I just have a question... is threatening to commit suicide a fairly common means of manipulation? While I was married my ex threatened quite frequently to kill himself if I did this or that... usually when I started thinking about leaving him.

Now that we are divorced and I have a restraining order (which is basically worthless, BTW) he's still getting messages to me... he called my mom and told her to "kiss my daughter goodbye and tell (me) that i'm sorry for everything" and told her that he couldn't live without us and he would never forgive himself for what he did... then he told her to have me call him "One last time".

Well, I didn't call him and he didn't kill himself but the whole time since then I've been a little worried.. what if he was serious? What if one phone call could have saved him and I just blew him off?

I just feel in my heart that he was trying to manipulate me into calling him for some reason or another, but I am curious about how seriously I should have taken this. Anyone heard of manipulation like this? Or should I have called a crisis center or something?

"Threatening" suicide seems very common among abusers...kinda like their last chance at trying to get your attention, rather a selfish act if you ask me.

Whether it is a threat, or he actually intends to do so, there is nothing that you need to do (accept as stated before, call the men in white coats). If he really is suicidal (he probably is not), there is nothing that you can do for him. He needs professional help. This is most likely a manipulation tactic. People that kill themselves, usually don't talk about it and threaten to do it before hand. People that threaten to do it, are usually trying to manipulate, or simply get attention.

My ex-husband, actually did attempt suicide at one point, after I filed for divorce. He called me on the phone after popping 40 xanax pills (tranquilizers). His mom called the police and he ran from them. He was on the phone with me when he layed down in the woods behind a neighbors house to hide. I could hear dogs barking close by to where he was. I hung up with him and called his mother, who was there with the police. I instructed her to tell the cops to look for the house with the barking dog and they would find him. After that, I washed my hands of it. I will not take blame for his actions, and I will not compromise my safety and happiness because of his threats or actions. There are deeper issues there...issues I am not equipt to fix....

If you feel he is serious, then call for help, but please do not make the mistake of trying to be his savior. It will be at your own expense.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this...it too will pass. XXX HUGS!!!

great answers to this, I used to hear suicide threats myself, they will use anything in the world to manipulate you or abuse you still ins ome manner!

I know I haven't put a story on here or an introduction because I didn't join this site for any reasons relating to my abusive marriage... but peeking in these forums has really been helping me to bring some issues back to the surface and hopefully deal with them once and for all.

I just have a question... is threatening to commit suicide a fairly common means of manipulation? While I was married my ex threatened quite frequently to kill himself if I did this or that... usually when I started thinking about leaving him.

Now that we are divorced and I have a restraining order (which is basically worthless, BTW) he's still getting messages to me... he called my mom and told her to "kiss my daughter goodbye and tell (me) that i'm sorry for everything" and told her that he couldn't live without us and he would never forgive himself for what he did... then he told her to have me call him "One last time".

Well, I didn't call him and he didn't kill himself but the whole time since then I've been a little worried.. what if he was serious? What if one phone call could have saved him and I just blew him off?

I just feel in my heart that he was trying to manipulate me into calling him for some reason or another, but I am curious about how seriously I should have taken this. Anyone heard of manipulation like this? Or should I have called a crisis center or something?


I don't think you have anything to worry about. If he has threatened
to kill him himself frequently in the past mainly when you were going to leave him and he didn't do it.

I personally think he is threatening to kill himself again because you did leave him. You said you have been alittle worried, were you worried when you were still together that he might do it?

Usually if people talk about killing themselves they are not going to do it they are just trying to get attention.

But by all means I do think the guy needs help if nothing else to get his life in order and to accept the fact that you are moving on with your life.

This is just my opinion. I could be wrong, I just wanted you to know what I thought.

Thanks,
Patti

I've had this from my ex a few times, especially right after I left him and also when he messed up and was ordered to have supervised visits only with our kids.

He usually used it as a way to tell me, "Hey, look at the damage you're causing by not doing exactly what I want." He should have tried it earlier -- after a decade of living with him I have a super-fine nose for manipulation and won't be falling for it.

My ex used a suicide threat as a form of manipulation once. He was locked up...and treating me VERY bad. I had/had enough. He went on suicide watch after the last visit and I had with him telling im it was over. His family was calling me telling me, "look at what you did" etc. It was very hard for me to hear as I did feel bad. BUT then I knew him and his personality. He wasnt going to commit suicide by any means...he wanted me to think that he was so I would feel bad and come back. He wrote to me later on and told me this after he realized I wasnt coming back.

Not a good situation at all

I've read each response and have thought over and over again if I should respond. I'm not in a abusive relationship so do have a ideal of what you are going thru??
Well let me say this... First, I believe every suicide threat should be taken seriously. Ask your self could you live with yourself if for the 100th time he stated he was going to end his life and you finally stopped listening and then you find his body?? My best friend found her husband in his car with a hose running from the tail pipe into his back window. She was caring their 3 yr old daughter out to her car to leave for daycare and work and finds her husband dead in his car. She now lives with the thought of "why didnt I listen" & "What could have I done?" He made the threats when they were fighting - He was verbally abusive and only occasionally physically abusive. When they fought he would make those threats of killing her and her daughter and his self if she left. She had no plans to leave after the last fight but he knew that she was getting fed up and there was a good chance she would leave again in the future. He told her again during their fight that night he was going to kill his self. He had drank and taken pills that night and we believe that is what gave him the nerve to go thru with it. But who knows.. would he have gone thru with it without the alcohol and drugs? We dont know because he is no longer here. He made the threats and attempted suicide in the same manner at one point two years before when they were not together and she didnt know about it till his death. He was 27 yrs old. She over looked his threats and thought he would never take his life. She was wrong.

Listen and take every threat serious - Dont let the threat keep you there... Call the police and let them know your loved one is a danger to their self. Living with the "what ifs" for the rest of your life is a feeling I promise you that you do not want to feel. Contact anyone that will listen to you if your loved one makes a threat.. because you never know if this is the one time they are making a promise.. not a threat.

I see your point but you have to understand that, while suicide threats are, in the world of normal people, a serious matter, in the world of abusers, they're usually just another tool of the trade, just another means of keeping someone engaged in the situation.
By all means, call the cops (often in the same call you can report a violation of a no contact order), but beyond that, we cannot be responsible for them, their choices and actions

Lebeau -
You are correct in stating that one can not be responsible for choices others make. Thats why I say contact the proper authorities and then remove your self from the situation. In my friends case - it was one of his tools to try and keep my friend with him. Realistically it was not my friends fault that her husband made the choice yet she cant help to blame her self even when she knows its not her fault. I dont believe some one should stay in an abusive relationship by any means. I grew up in a very abusive home and seen the abuse my mom endured till my dad got clean. All I'm saying is put it out there for them to get help.... Even if in the end it was all a threat. But still remove your self from the abusive home/relationship.

my husband never threatened suicide. but he did attempt it. (which makes me think…if they are serious then they won’t give you a heads up) i didn't even find out that he had attempted it until about 6 months later. he had gotten really loaded one night and left me at my moms. i tried getting him to stay there with me. i knew something was wrong. something was different. i thought maybe he was doing something else behind my back (drugs, cheating, etc.) then not to long ago he wrote me (from prison) and told me what had happened that night. He started by saying that he had a confession. i was like oh great...he did cheat on me. but as i read he told me that that night he tried killing himself. he drove off (drunk as he was) and was driving on the freeway. then he drove head on into a barrier. he had told me that "the breaks went out" but i knew it was a lie. i thought he was just so drunk that he hit it. he said he doesn't even fully know why he did it to this day. but he also said that God must have bigger plans for him. a christian couple picked him up that night that he crashed the car. no other vehicles or anything were involved. i don't know how he didn't get arrested for DUI that night. the cops let him walk away from it. his phone had died so he didn't call me to come pick him up. the christian couple drove him to where we were living at the time. (quite a long way actually) he called me the next day. i was so furious because he hadn't tried to contact me for almost 24 hours. i don't know if i'll ever know the whole story of that night. all i know is that he was really ashamed that he tried killing himself and felt like it was a confession rather than a manipulative tool. he said he felt guilty for not telling me sooner and that married couples shouldn't have secrets like that. i guess it was an attempt to be more honest with me.

Don't bet on it.

Don't bet on it.


was that a reply to me?

Sounds more like a deflective move to me- How did the subject come up? Who is the "christian couple?" Are they people you know? His phone was dead? And these lovely, helpful, kind people had no telephone that he could have used?
Did damage to the car match up to his statement? How was the car removed from the scene? Was there a police report made?.... I'm sorry, but I'm not buying it- HE might even believe what he's saying, but if he does, then I think he's spinning for both of you a more sympathetic tale than "Drunk fool wrecks car."

Dc, yep, that comment was for you. From what you've disclosed so far, the man is a controlling manipulator - that is one of the primary facts of his life. That just doesn't disappear, ever, as far as I know. It's so pervasive that they can even convince themselves of what they are saying - that you were flirting, that you deliberately weren't answering the phone, that the stylist got your hair wrong, that you KNEW he didn't like that color shirt.

They can convince themselves of all of it. Unless you have a videotape of the whole incident, they will deny and deny. And continue to believe in your duplicity. It is fundamental to them, that belief that all humans play *games* with others' feelings.

Sounds more like a deflective move to me- How did the subject come up? Who is the "christian couple?" Are they people you know? His phone was dead? And these lovely, helpful, kind people had no telephone that he could have used?
Did damage to the car match up to his statement? How was the car removed from the scene? Was there a police report made?.... I'm sorry, but I'm not buying it- HE might even believe what he's saying, but if he does, then I think he's spinning for both of you a more sympathetic tale than "Drunk fool wrecks car."

the people that gave him a ride home i did not know. and his phone was dead when i got it from him. i had the charger. the damage did not make sense for his original story. after he told me what had really happened it made sense. the car got towed to a local junk yard and we had to get it out. the police report was made because a couple days later when we went to see his PO and he told her that he'd come in contact with police she pulled it up on her screen and said yeah it looks like you were in a car accident. so yeah.

I think the inference her is more about the REASON for the crash, rather than whether or not a crash actually occured....

Sometimes they can make a perfectly compassionate woman want to ask "Well, if you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?"
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! great comeback!!!!!

Dc, yep, that comment was for you. From what you've disclosed so far, the man is a controlling manipulator - that is one of the primary facts of his life. That just doesn't disappear, ever, as far as I know. It's so pervasive that they can even convince themselves of what they are saying - that you were flirting, that you deliberately weren't answering the phone, that the stylist got your hair wrong, that you KNEW he didn't like that color shirt.

They can convince themselves of all of it. Unless you have a videotape of the whole incident, they will deny and deny. And continue to believe in your duplicity. It is fundamental to them, that belief that all humans play *games* with others' feelings.
and they ALWAYS portray the situation as they were the victim. they outright deny or play down their wrongdoing. and if he's telling you he's attempting to be more honest, he's lying. a truly "honest" person doesn't have to say they're attempting to be more honest they'
re just honest period. my ex-husband was a classic sociopath.his other marriage only lasted 3 months. the other ex-wife was way smarter than i was. she couldn't fix him, i couldn't fix him NOONE can fix these type period. now i have a friend going thru the same thing that's why i'm in this forum more often. it turns my stomach how extremely manipulative these men can be and it turns my stomach just as much how easily women fall for their head games. after my horrible marriage i am far wiser but i had to learn the hard way, unfortunately.

Sometimes they can make a perfectly compassionate woman want to ask "Well, if you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?"
:DI love this! Truer words and all that!

My wife who was my girlfriend at the time tried that whole "If you leave me Im gonna commit suicide" gig once. I called my brother and told him to drive to her house when he got there she was sitting outside punching a piece of wood. So I decided to call 911 and have her baker acted (Florida). They put her in a hospital for 3 days and she learned real quick that it was no joke to even play like that. But becareful cause if their over 18 it stays with them forever. She was 17 at the time.