I sit here after reading this poem reflecting on my own situation. I have been with my husband for 14 years and there has been some serious abuse, threats of him killing me, etc. I have no idea why I would put up with all this crap. We have 5 kids, ages 2 through 20. I've had him arrested for DV several times, but always took him back. Last week I had to call the police out again. I went to my grandparents house and called. Since he wouldn't answer the door when the police came out, our state went ahead and charged him with agg batt hh member, child endangerment (as our daughter was in the room) and agg batt hh member w/ deadly weapon... I have not yet told him about this case and he hasn't yet found the papers.. I just moved into a house through section 8 and i don't want to leave my home. For the first time in their lives, my kids have a home of their own.. I guess I'm just praying that the 3rd DV conviction will send him away for a while.. But then again there's the fear of what will happen when he gets out??? Will he make good on his threats?? Sorry, I just had to see if anyone had any ideas...

Honey, I moved your post to a thread of its own - and my answer is this: you KNOW you're not safe right now. Whatever might happen later, will happen; but you know that your kids are in danger, and you know you are, too. Follow through on this charge. Get all your courage together, get ready to testify in court. Get ready to cry, and hurt, and then to heal. Follow through!

Thank you so much for your advice and caring

Are you willing to bet your life that when he gets out that everything will be ok? what about your kids lives?
Section 8 is nationwide. after the first year you can move anywhere. I would take that oppurtunity. Your only problem is that he is the father.
I do hope he gets some serious time but you have to be willing to put you and your children first. I don't tell this to you to be like i am giving you a lecture but out of personal experience.

I am almost certain that if he gets out, he'll follow through on his threats... my kids mean the world to me... I've only been on section 8 for a month and a half, so i'm a long way from being able to transfer... I am grateful for your caring and wisdom filled advice, i welcome it. I just have no idea what to do if he gets out and he comes to the house what my next step is going to be. i know i don't really want him around and he was always wanting to be with his kids, but how can i do that? i don't trust him. he is an addict and i don't want that around my children... how can i protect them from him with all the rights that fathers have access to?? any advice anyone??

You file for divorce, with the help of your local domestic abuse agency. You ask for full custody - if he gets any visitation it should be supervised by a professional. His history of domestic abuse will probably get you just about anything you ask for.

You don't know when he's getting out, so everything else is a batch of "what if"s. The agency can help you with a personal protection plan, and you probably will have time to institute whatever measures you need.

Right now, just get moving forward - talk to the agency! Stop hoping that something will change, stop declaring love for him, stop thinking of him as your partner and lover. Start thinking of him as what he is - a dangerous man who is poisoning the world your children live in.

I am not going to lie. It is hard. But life is hard. I live by the old saying "what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger." Putting your life and your children lives first, start talking to people, looking at your options to provide a normal life for you and your children. I picked up and moved in 2 hours, thanks to my mom. I also picked up and moved 6 states away. while you may not have the same options, there are options for you. Don't be ashamed in any way. this happens to many women. there are programs that can help you and your children. Don't be scared of your story, it is easier to get help if people know what is happening. They can't help if they don't know what is happening.

You are taking the first steps to secure a safe future, and it is something that you can do. There are agencies that will help; this link looks like it may be good: http://feminist.org/911/crisis.html Given the charges that are pending, i would expect that there is a no contact/protective/restraining order in place, but this is something that you should verify. Your local women's center will help. If your husband should get out, develop a plan so that your kids and you know what to do if he shows up. There are lots of folks that can help. Take care of yourself--and your kids.

Thanks so much... I'll let everyone know what happens at court on the 7th.

another thought...see if your court has a Victim's Advocate. They can help to be your voice throughout the case. They can help to determine if you have to go to court, prepare you and notify you of any changes in the situation. They may also get a statement from you, for consideration during sentencing (assuming he is found guilty) and may also link you to services.

Just be prepared when you go to court - you may find you are weak in the knees and the tears roll down your cheeks. Or you may be so incredibly furious that you can hardly hold quiet. If you are going to be called to testify, then go over it with the DA, several times. Make sure you let him/her know that you will NOT be accepting "anger management" as an alternative to incarceration, that you're not interested in dropping any of the charges.

thank you so much for all the great advice. you're all wonderful

Let me tell you something. I still fear my ex and we are on speaking terms right now. He became so bad that I had more than one person tell me to leave a note somewhere in my house that if anything happened to me he would most likely be at fault. I did not leave because there was no hitting, but threats and a lot of verbal abuse. He cheated on me all the time and physically and verbally abused these women but I always said "well he doesn't hit me". Well guess what, he hit me after 21 years. I left. Then I got really sick and took him back. He took care of me while I was treating, was really good too, then it came back.........first the verbal abuse. So much so that one day my neighbor from across the street came to my house (right after a fight) to find out if I was ok and to tell me to keep my head up. Well, he came back home while she was there. She couldn't leave and he started talking to her. He walked into the kitchen and she whispered to me, "he is going to kill you one day" and walked out. She was referring to simply the stress he was putting me under. Well, he turned around and hit me again. Second time in 22 yrs. Needless to say, I left and have never looked back. I am so happy with my life. I cannot believe I actually thought that was love. I could never go back. I only talk to him currently because his son (my step son) is here for the holidays. I am in a loving relationship (which when he finds out who it is would probably try to kill me) with a man who knows, saw and understands where I've been and what I've been through. He has shown me how it feels to be loved the right way. It only gets better for a second, then they revert back to themselves.