some background on me: i am a 31 young strong female. i have been married 2x and i am currently in a MWI relationship. my last relationship was with my soon to be x husband. he was on drugs (any he could shoot up) and he abused me severly. there were times when i was not shure if i was going to survive to see the next day. at one point he even dug a hole and tried to burrie me alive. this image i carry with me daily and i feel i am not over the truma of it all. i meet my MWI and he gave me the strenght to leave my x and file the much needed divorce, not only for my sake but i have an 11yr old daughter that was highly effected by all this violence.

anyways my question is... my man is about to get out and we are going to be together out here. how do i not take my baggage into my next relationship. i got to the point in my last that when i thought he was going to swing i just would pick something up and swing first and hard. i dont want to feel like a "war vet". like think that william is going to hurt me and hurt him, only to find out he was never going to hurt me in the first place. HELP!

Number one piece of advice - do not begin your relationship out here by living together! You have two busted relationships under your belt already, so you know that you don't choose wisely. You need time to take stock of who this man is and why you are attracted to him; compare those to the old relationships. You cannot simply bring this man into your home and expose your daughter to a man you literally know nothing about in the world. Soooooo not safe!

Number two - get yourself some solid counseling! Go to a domestic abuse agency and spend about 6 months exploring your own mind, history and emotions. and get your daughter some counseling, too!

Number three - Learn to live alone and like it! You sound like you have been charging rather quickly from one relationship to another - that's not strong or smart. You need very much to think about standing on your own. You currently have the ability (apparently) to act for yourself, so it's time to learn how to do that without support.

I know that it sounds like I'm throwing cold water on your whole life, but as someone who has already been where you have, I'm warning you about the mistakes you might be about to make . . . I have done that already, and now I'm offering you what I've learned so you don't have to make them for yourself.

i agree about the counseling as well as not jumping right into another relationship-well at least not a live in one. Another thing i strongly suggest is getting into a support group. nobody knows better about what you've gone through more than someone who has gone through it themselves. we can imagine how you feel, but we can't know how you feel if that makes sense. however someone who has actually gone through it knows how you feel and what it's like.I can talk about the support group thing from experience. I go to one for my liver issues and it helps me. one thing i think i really need to say to you. i commend you for having the courage to leave your abusive spouse and divorce him. that was/is the first step towards healing. don't deal with any verbal abuse from him either. just hang up if it happens and you know what, if he shows up dial 911 and have his ass busted. if he wound up locked up he'd find out how you felt real quick i'm sure. no real man beats a woman. good luck

joe

okay been there done that several times over....sorry this is long
i am 32 w 4 children i will give you some of my history before i give you my opinion. the abuse started at home my dad he is a dope fiend anything he can shoot up. he was abusive both to me and my mother...she divorced him and has since had a string of ackward relationships.
i left home at 14 ended up with an abuser who was 19 stayed with him almost 6 yrs (i had to have him deported) this man locked me in a closet while i was pregnant no lights and sharp tools on the floor poured gas on the door and started to flick a lighter and tell me he wants to hear me scream as i burn. i went to a shelter he found me that was a living nightmare and 2 kids later i had to leave or i was going to be killed.
at 20 not long after leaving this person i hook up with someone who seems to be sweet as pie....oh accept he is a drunk. 2 yrs and a child later he not only abuses me but he starts to abuse my other 2 kids. i leave him and wait about a yr.................
at 23 i meet someone who i think is my night in shining armor....only to find out a yr and a half in and pregnant that he is not only a drug addict but a psychopath. in this relationship i ended up in jail and was ordered to anger managment good thing too. i learned so much about myself and i know i have to work on me everyday because no one else will do it for me.
opinion
now although my current man is in prison he is not an abuser and we knew each other from the outside. but although we wanted a relationship we both knew i had to do some serious work on myself before considering anyone as a partner. not only did i work on myself but he worked on preparing himself to be in a relationship with someone that has been abused. and then we worked on being a couple. it is a long road and you both have to put effort into making it work.
do not move in together right away
seek some kind of counseling get to know you
he has to go to counsling
you both need to go to counsling together
do not involve your child in the relationship until you know it is the right time

also feel free to PM me if you want to talk

It seems to me you can't not bring your baggage.

Baggage is something to be aware of, not something to be overcome. It just is, for as long as our memories last.

My advice to you is the same gentle suggestion I would make to any young (I'm assuming) person who is thinking about beginning a relationship: go slow.

I doubt if you'll do that, but it's still the best advice I can give you.

Good luck,

FD