ok i just got a letter and i am so confused/hurt/jealous..all these deadly emotions are taking over my mind and I really need God to help sort them out and ya'll too..ok soooo me and my man have been together for 3yrs. He is an heroin addict and this is his 2nd time in rehab..well 5yrs ago his gf at the time got killed in a car accident and my bf says that he blames himself and it has alot to do with his addiction..well he had nothing to do with it, he just thinks that and i think its an excuse. He said his counselor told him that he cannot love me until he has let go of her or the past and he is frozen! and for some reason that made me mad! he said that he has to let go to really really get close to me and we've been together for 3yrs WHAT?! and also he wants to get out of wilmington where we live and maybe go somewhere else to a halfway house and wants me to go with him..BUT Ive had some shit in my life that i am trying to work on and i recently went back to school and working on my degree and I like living in wilmington..my fam is here..SO WHAT DO I DO?? I wanna support him, i dont wanna let him go, I dont wanna be 2nd best to that girl who died, and I dont think i deserve to be 2nd best and I feel like I got played? Am I being selfish for having these thoughts and feelings?? Please someone write back and tell me ur opioions.

You're not being selfish. I realize that you don't want to let him go, but he's not yours. He belongs to a dead girl and a drug addiction - and until he really deals with both of those issues, you're going to be the 3rd most important thing in his life. You deserve to be first in your relationship. The best thing you can do for yourself is take care of yourself, and continue with your education.

IMO, I don’t think you’re being selfish, nor do I feel you are being played. I also think there’s more to the story. Something he is burying deep inside. Whether he has real guilt, false guilt, or survivor guilt, something is eating at him and he’s using to numb it out.

I think the counselor is half right, he’s right when he says that he cannot love you until he works thru what happened to his ex girlfriend. But, I also think he can’t love you…the way you deserve to be loved until he loves himself.

I also think that neither of you is to blame, he’s suffering and it’s not something he can just get over. And, you want something he’s just not able to give right now. I can understand him wanting to get out of the area, it’s that fight or flight instinct. However, what he is going to find is that no matter how far he runs…there he is, and all those feelings and emotions that he has been blocking will all come flooding back and the cycle will just start over again. Geographical cures rarely work.

I know you don’t want to let go…but you can either let go or be drug along. And, it sounds like you have strong ties to where you are living now and have no reason to, or the desire to run from his demons. This is all about you, your life, your wants, your needs, and most of all your happiness. If you are happy with everything else in your life other than the situation with you bf, do you think it makes sense to change everything else, or change the one thing that makes you unhappy?

the scariest part is letting go, because you have to have enough confidence and faith that letting go brings you closer, rather than causing the end. It sounds like he needs to go to a halfway house in order to gain experience in living sober. There is no reason why he can't do that, with you staying where you are and pursuiing your dreams. You would have phone calls, letters--and conjugal visits! :) Seriously, I know the fear of losing someone. I also know that my holding on as tight as possible may just cause bruises; holding on does not get them to stay. Believe in yourself, do what is best for you, and ultimately the 'right' thing will happen.

well girl, if u feel this way if he feels that he still love the other girl well his ex y have u been with him for 3yrs? come on move on i think its time. you can do and it seems like ur trying to better urself. so go ahead...

I think a degree of selfishness is healthy. I am a substance abuse counselor at a prison and I have grown up with family members who were afflicted with drug addiction. I understand where his counselor is coming from. Addicts have a lot of issues they have to work on. If he feels the guilt he has to be the one to let go and learn to live again. I encourage all my guys to go into halfway houses or residential treatment facilities because being sober in prison is nothing like remaining sober in society. I wish him all the luck in his journey into recovery.
As for you, he will learn to understand your needs. I believe that once you start school you need to finish it because starting again is very challenging. Maybe he could do a residential treatment instead of a halfway that way he can be out of your town and you could finish school....relationships require compromise, communicate with him your feelings and fears and dreams...in recovery they practice communicating.

ok i just got a letter and i am so confused/hurt/jealous..all these deadly emotions are taking over my mind and I really need God to help sort them out and ya'll too..ok soooo me and my man have been together for 3yrs. He is an heroin addict and this is his 2nd time in rehab..well 5yrs ago his gf at the time got killed in a car accident and my bf says that he blames himself and it has alot to do with his addiction..well he had nothing to do with it, he just thinks that and i think its an excuse. He said his counselor told him that he cannot love me until he has let go of her or the past and he is frozen! and for some reason that made me mad! he said that he has to let go to really really get close to me and we've been together for 3yrs WHAT?! and also he wants to get out of wilmington where we live and maybe go somewhere else to a halfway house and wants me to go with him..BUT Ive had some shit in my life that i am trying to work on and i recently went back to school and working on my degree and I like living in wilmington..my fam is here..SO WHAT DO I DO?? I wanna support him, i dont wanna let him go, I dont wanna be 2nd best to that girl who died, and I dont think i deserve to be 2nd best and I feel like I got played? Am I being selfish for having these thoughts and feelings?? Please someone write back and tell me ur opioions.
no, you're not being selfish. you can live your life to the fullest and still be there for him during his recovery. or you could simply tell him you are gonna leave him alone for awhile to work on himself. sometimes that's the best thing to do. if you're gone for a lil while he may really miss you and realize what he has with you!!!! and you most certainly shouldn't have to move if you don't want too!!! i love marc dearly but there's no way i'm going anywhere. keep ya head up and do whats best for YOU!!! that is NOT being selfish!!!!! you didn't cause him to have to go to rehab. his choices put him there so don't sell yourself short to pacify him!!!!

If you dont take care of yourself who will?

he is still grieving. he he hasnt moved on yet. be patient,but by all means yes..you take care of you,do your schooling and whatever else you need to do,ok?
And dont be jealous of the other girl. It only will bring you down.
So...go girl..take care of you! he will be fine.

First, the dead girlfriend is always going to be present. Her death is a demon of his that HE has to overcome. Being jealous, resentful, or avoiding the subject of her will make matters fester. She's a part of his past and it's not going away.

(I'm speaking from a widow's standpoint.)

Has he ever talked about the time she was killed? It sounds like that's where he's stuck and intent on blaming himself for it. If the situation could be picked apart minute by painful minute perhaps he would finally understand he's not the one to blame. He needs to understand she's dead; and needlessly beating his head on a proverbial rock is not going to make her un-dead. It sounds like a form of PTSD and he made it worse turning to drugs.

Well, you know all this. He's the only one that can pull himself out. Don't you dare give up your school and taking care of you. You may need to let him go for awhile. Allowing this situation to suck you dry will solve absolutely nothing.