I wonder were the "jealousy" factor comes into play in abusers...

Most abused women dint go out seeking an affair or cheat. We are already being intimidated on a regular basis...we wouldn't risk being caught with another man!! Fear!!

Yeah, from what I can tell, it is not that they actually suspect us of cheating, it's just a weapon they use. It's more of a reason (EXCUSE) for their behaviour. "I'm "so sorry" babe," it's just that" I love you sooo much and I think you're sooo beautiful, (wonderful,sweet,special, blah blah blah) I'm scared you'll find someone better than me". Its mostly just a load of baloney if you ask me!. They use it to turn on us as well as to excuse turning on us, It's kinda ridiculous to me now that I have had some distance from my "situation". I'm a little unsure if I've made much sense here so just to recap, I think it's a load of CODSWALLOP!!. ( A fake word for a fake excuse).......

The "jealousy" bit is just another way of establishing "ownership", part of the control games, it also serves to cover up their knowlege that they really are lousy partners, provides them with an excuse for the rage and keeps their target off balance and on the defensive... the weaker position.
A secure man (or woman, for that matter) does not cry wolf every time you're out of his sight for ten minutes.... on the flip side of that coin is the indisputable fact that unreasonable possessiveness and groundless accusations are a big ol' red flag.

I think it's all based on "insecurities". Even sexually, I noticed, that even if the sex was spectacular, he would still think that he wasn't satisfying me?!?

Random thoughts...bare with me plz...:)

LeBeau has just said in much more elegant terms, the point I was trying to make. She has a lovely way of doing that, Nim too. I don't believe that the reason they question whether or not we are satisfied has anything to do with insecurity, they just want to know that you know they are as wonderful as they know they are, say the fast 10 times (:D again with the pathetic attempts at humour!). LeBeau will know how to make this make sense!!!.:o.

Yep- They don't actually give a rip about anyone's pleasure other than their own, they just want, for their own reasons, to hear how great they are in bed.

Actually, come to think of it, maybe we should be adding "demands assurances about sexual prowess" to the "not a good sign" list..... every guy I've dealt with or heard about that did that was either abusive or else intolerably needy...except the ones who asked what they did right because they really wanted to know what *would* make it amazing for their partner.

SEE!!!. I told you so. But I'm learning, so whether or not I couch it as eloquently as LeBeau, it means I'm getting somewhere!. I was considering myself a hopeless mess when I first arrived in this forum, now I know I'm on the right track, and learning what to watch out for in the future. I hope this place helps you as much as it has me. Sorry if I'm intruding, and I really am taking this seriously, but, having my thoughts confirmed in this way is great for me, next step is straightening out the language......

Free Again, you're going to give me a big head:o

Well, if anyone deserves it LeBeau.....:).

Mitchell, I think the jealousy comes from something like Mark Twain's quote "I wouldn't want to join a club that would have me as a member"! These people are so starved in their souls and feel so miserable about themselves (from childhood, mind you - they have essentially been taught this) that they can only assume that we are playing them. They have no way to understand that it's not a game or a sport, no ability to *get* that we aren't trying to one-up them or disrespect them or score points off them. So they simply cannot believe that they are worth the effort that we put into them. They do deeply invest what little they have in us, but then the fear starts, because they psychically can't stand the idea that they might lose what little they had to begin with, but they don't have the resources to just believe in the love.

Here's the bit that confuses me Nim, that polar opposites, I mean that outrageous arrogance so deep rooted that they can't seem to understand that any one else could ever love or hurt as much as they do versus such a lack of self confidence that they can't believe they are actually loved!!! Again I am having trouble with the language ...........

I couldnt have said it better myself!! I believe this completely to be true. I also did some reading "Why does he do that", the book you guys ref. on another thread :) Good Book!!

He asked me once, What makes you happy? this is when we first meet. I said, love!! Go figure...it's the one thing he didnt know how to give.

I'm not trying to "fix" him, I'm just trying to learn to understand it all, for MYSELF :)



Mitchell, I think the jealousy comes from something like Mark Twain's quote "I wouldn't want to join a club that would have me as a member"! These people are so starved in their souls and feel so miserable about themselves (from childhood, mind you - they have essentially been taught this) that they can only assume that we are playing them. They have no way to understand that it's not a game or a sport, no ability to *get* that we aren't trying to one-up them or disrespect them or score points off them. So they simply cannot believe that they are worth the effort that we put into them. They do deeply invest what little they have in us, but then the fear starts, because they psychically can't stand the idea that they might lose what little they had to begin with, but they don't have the resources to just believe in the love.

i can only speek about my abuser! and i think he was the one cheating, and he was jealous that he knew in his heart he was not good enough for me. i also think he kept me locked away so no one would sweep me off my feet. he was fearful to the fact that the first chance i got to see a REAL man i would run from him!

My sons father actually said to me once, (even though he has spent the two years prior terrorizing me because he was sure I was cheating) "I know you are not really cheating I just say that when I am mad because I don't have anything else to use against you!"

OMG what a sick jerk, no wonder I could never convince him I was not cheating he was making it all up and he knew it all along. Once he even took a picture we had taken in the bedroom (there were no faces in the picture just other things) and showed everyone, swearing that it was my a$$ in the picture but not him. At least my a$$ looked good! :)

The whole "cheating" thing has become a joke to us at this stage - If he does have one of his "insecure" moments...I've turned it into a joke and we laugh.

However, that doesnt mean it makes it "OK", it just means that we have learned a different way to deal with his insecurities and/or my own even, I'm only human so, i got issues too! I know...hard to believe ha!! LOL jk. We do what works for us - to each it's own so!



My sons father actually said to me once, (even though he has spent the two years prior terrorizing me because he was sure I was cheating) "I know you are not really cheating I just say that when I am mad because I don't have anything else to use against you!"

OMG what a sick jerk, no wonder I could never convince him I was not cheating he was making it all up and he knew it all along. Once he even took a picture we had taken in the bedroom (there were no faces in the picture just other things) and showed everyone, swearing that it was my a$$ in the picture but not him. At least my a$$ looked good! :)

Mitchell, I think the jealousy comes from something like Mark Twain's quote "I wouldn't want to join a club that would have me as a member"! These people are so starved in their souls and feel so miserable about themselves (from childhood, mind you - they have essentially been taught this) that they can only assume that we are playing them. They have no way to understand that it's not a game or a sport, no ability to *get* that we aren't trying to one-up them or disrespect them or score points off them. So they simply cannot believe that they are worth the effort that we put into them. They do deeply invest what little they have in us, but then the fear starts, because they psychically can't stand the idea that they might lose what little they had to begin with, but they don't have the resources to just believe in the love.

AWESOME POST NIMUAY:thumbsup:it makes perfectly good sense when I think about how many times I've tried in vain to "reassure" my ex that I really did love him and that I really had always been a faithful woman to him. Moreover, that I wasn't the kind of woman that would cheat on him. It was all IN VAIN! :idea:I think it helps them to "justify" in their minds the things they do and say to physically, emotionally, and mentally abuse their s/o:( My ex was so jealous, I was afraid to make eye contact with another man when I was with him, for fear of repercussions, later. Sometimes it was the non-physical abuse, that I endured, that was worse than him physically assaulting me(a result 9 times outta 10) of some jealous rage:angry: he'd fly into. If I went to Walmart alone, then I must've had a man that I was going there to meet, "if I was even at Walmart" let him tell it. Despite the fact that I'd arrive home in a cab with a trunk full of groceries. :confused: indicative, that I HAD in fact been to WALMART!:rolleyes:

He later admitted that he knew that "I was a beautiful woman that other men would try'n approach(or express interest in)" when the truth of the matter is he was just that damn controlling that he thought I didn't have the right to go anywhere without him, AT ALL. :rolleyes: