Joy
08-25-2002, 06:43 PM
Dear Friends And Family,
Gary appeared to be strong and tough on the days before his terrible killing
on Tuesday. He repeated over and over that he's cool and okay, but I know
him better than that. Although he gladly was on peace and strongly believed
that he will be saved and in Heaven I also know that he was not really ready
to die. How could he ? In one of his final letters he wrote that he is on
peace and will not leave this world as an angry man as he would have if they
would have killed him in November 2000, but he also wrote that he's not
ready to die. He don't wanted to leave this world so early, but most of all
not in this terrible and senseless way.
Even on our very final visit on Tuesday morning he still was a little
optimistic and told me about a few future plans " ... if we get another
stay", but after the visit with his lawyer who told him that the US Supreme
Court denied him, I saw the change in his eyes. Now he had absolutely no
hope left anymore. Gary knew that they will kill him in only a few hours,
but he still tried to make me laugh, tried to tell me some jokes, tried to
cheer me up. But how could I laugh again ? When I cried he could not look at
me anymore, because he don't wanted to break down. He don't wanted the
guards or even other inmates see him cry. Gary was a very vulnerable and
sensitive man who even cried when he heard a romantic or sad country song.
He often wrote to me ... can you imagine ... all these people who are hating
me ... what would they think if they would know, that the man where they
think it's an animal or monster, a cold-blooded killer, that he sit in his
cell and cries, just because of a sad country song. That was the way Gary
was, strong and tough on the outside, but weak, vulnerable, sweet and easy
to hurt inside.
Even when we needed to say goodbye Gary still told me that he's okay, but he
also said, that if he would show his true feelings, then he would break down
and cry and never could stop crying again. Already at 11:50 AM they picked
him up and made me leave the visit room. Btw ... during the visit a guard
came and honestly asked Gary what to do with the money that's left on his
trust fund account. They filled in a form, plenty of paper work, Gary had to
sign a form and they acted as if this would be very important ... can you
believe that they were talking about 0.01 Dollar ??? We always knew that
this prison is stupid, but how can they do paperwork for one single Cent ?
Later in the afternoon Gary was allowed to call me at the Hospitality House
and we could talk on the phone for round about 20 minutes. To my surprise
his brother Michael Ellis Etheridge, who's the actual killer of the victim
and who recently wrote me a letter, mentioning that he's so scared that Gary
will tell in his final statement that he's the killer and this could hurt
his own parole (Michael is serving a life sentence for killing his own baby)
made a call into the Walls Unit to talk to Gary. They were able to talk
together for the first time after 12 years. When I asked Gary what the hell
Mike wanted from him Gary told me that he has no idea at all. They only
talked for a few minutes, just "casual stuff". Gary said that Mike did not
specially mentioned it, but he felt that the only reason, why Micheal called
him was, because he's still so scared that Gary could do anything that would
hurt his parole. What kind of brotherly love is this ? Gary dies for him and
this coward only think about how to save his own butt.
Gladly Gary also was able to talk to his sweet angel daughters. This meant
so much to him. He was so happy to hear their little voices one more time.
Brittany gave him strenght in reminding him to think about Jesus, Brandi
cried on the phone as well as his ex-wife Teresa did.
When I entered the witness room a little after six Gary was already laying
there. He wore a dark blue shirt and his body was covered with a sheet. You
only could see his face, his arms and his chest. He was strapped and the
hands were bandaged. I could not find out yet why they do this, you could
not see his hands or fingers anymore. The needles were not visible because
they were covered by gauze or something like that. Gary was already waiting
for me, looking at me from the moment I arrived. The Warden stood at the
side where Gary's head was, by his feet there was a prison chaplain
standing. The chaplain laid a hand on Gary's right foot during the entire
procedure.
Gary told me that he loves me and he blew a few kisses, then he asked if I
can hear him but the microphone was not on yet. He seemed to be a bit lost
and did not know what to do. What a surprise, he never before was in that
terrible situation. From the moment I saw Gary (don't ask me how I managed
it to do so), but from the moment I saw him, until he was pronounced dead, I
smiled at him. I smiled and cried, both at the same time. I smiled at him
tenderly because I wanted him to see the face he loved so very much before
he died. I wanted to make him believe that I am okay, but of course I was
not at all !!! Gary was a little confused and did not know when to begin
with his final statement. He asked the Warden if he should talk now and if
the mic is on. When it finally was on he went his head a bit to the victims
family, but did not look at them, only turned the head a bit and he said "To
the victim's family. I'm sorry for what was taken from you. I hope you find
peace." I was very surprised to hear him saying so because even in our final
phone call Gary said that he will not leave any message for the victims
family, because he has nothing to tell them. Gary said since he did not kill
the girl, there's nothing he could say. I even suggested him to not say
anything to the victims family because I felt they either would take it as a
confession, that he killed the girl or they maybe even would hold it against
him ... not believing him that he is sorry that a life was taken. I told
Gary ... you don't owe them anything, you already give your life for them
... what else do they need from you, but anyway, last minute Gary has
decided to address a few words to them. I think he did it because he wanted
to leave this world on peace.
After this Gary again looked at me, tried to smile, blowed one more kiss and
said "To my sweet Claudia. I love you. Stay strong, keep building and be
careful. Be careful. I love you." I was not aware that Gary was done with
the statement since he did not say "I'm ready Warden" or something like
that. Everyone seemed a little bit confused, Gary looked at the Warden, a
woman came from the room where they press the buttons to let the poison
flowing into his veins and she asked something and because Gary began to
talk again I still was not aware that the killing process already had began.
Gary blew me a final kiss and said with a still strong but tired sounded
voice "I hope there's closure for the victim's family and everybody." While
talking and looking at me Gary has turned his face towards me, but when the
poison hit his veins he turned his head back and because of the confusion
and because I did not know if he's finished with his statement I only was
aware that they really already had began to kill him when Gary was laying
there and softly closed his eyes. Even during the killing process Gary spoke
again. It broke my heart when he said "I can feel it burning" and "I'm
getting really dizzy" and I hope so very much that he finally did not feel
the pain when the lungs collapsed. The last sound that was to hear from
Gary, sounded a little bit like snoring and just as if he tried to take one
more deep breath, but could no more longer.
From the moment I entered the witness room until Gary closed his eyes he had
tears in his eyes. I am glad that he did not look straight to the victims
family and you could not hear it in his voice, that he felt like crying. I
was glad that only I could see the tears in his eyes. The media people did
not see it (at least they did not mention it in the papers) and the victims
family could not see his tears, because Gary did not turn his head that far.
I was so happy for him, that he did not break down while laying on the
gurney, saying his final words because he would have hated it to break down
in front of the police officers who investigated against him and in front of
the people who kill him.
At 6:22 PM the doctor pronounced Gary dead, nine minutes after they began to
kill him on 6:13 PM. Gary was so hoping that the victims family will find
closure, although he did not kill the girl, but I do not hope this. I know
that there was a life taken from them as well, but I hate it to think about
that the senseless killing of my Gary will cheer up others. And I hope that
they are better than that. How can they be satisfied or happy now, when
another life is taken, when another mother cries, when two innocent little
girls (12 and 13 years old) need to grow up without their daddy ? How can
they find something like "closure" ? What exactely is closure ? Gary's
killing will not bring back the victim, so how could it ever ease their pain
? I fear that sooner or later the victims family will find out that nothing
has changed in their life ... that there is no closure at all, because they
still will miss their loved ones terribly.
It's hard to describe what I felt. As frightened as I was before to watch my
beloved husbands killing ... the act itself was not as horrible to me as I
expected it to be. I never understood and hated it when people said ... the
men only are going to sleep ... but it indeed at least appeard to me in this
way. When Gary closed his eyes and was laying there with closed eyes ... I
could not believe that it is over now ... that he never again will open his
beautiful eyes, smile at me ... tell me that he loves me ... but at least it
appeared to me that it's a "peaceful dead" ... if there ever is a way to
call killing a young and healthy human being "peaceful". At least it
appeared to me that Gary is on peace now and save in God's hand. Gary was a
Believer until the very end. He even became very angry when I told him in
the morning of his last day, that I will not believe in God anymore, when
they kill him tonight. How can I believe in a God that allow this senseless
and terrible cruel killing ? But Gary told me that there is a God and that
he will face God tonight and he knew that he will be saved by the grace of
God and that he will go to Heaven which will be paradise because he's a good
man. Gary knew that he did wrong plenty in his life, but we all know that he
paid for it even much more than a man should. Gary did not fear to face God
because he knew that he will be saved. Gary begged me to still believe in
God. When I asked him if he think that it is God's will that he will die
today after 6:00 PM Gary said "no, this is not God's will, this is what
Texas want, this never ever in life is God's will".
Straight after the execution, when I could view his body at the funeral
home, Gary's face looked terrible because of the change of the skin.
Although I was told so, I was not really prepared to this since I never saw
a dead body. I was frightened and worried that Gary did not find peace
because he did not look very peacefully. But on Wednesday and today
(Thursday) in the meantime the expression on his face appears much more
relaxed and peaceful. Tomorrow in the morning I can view Gary one final time
and after this they will cremate his body and I will take the ashes with me
to Germany, since it was Gary's urgent need and strongest wish to go home
with me, dead or alive.
In his final letter, which Gary wrote from the death house, only a few hours
before the execution, Gary asked me to try to forgive Texas and the US, but
how chould I ? They did not forgive him 12 years after a crime he did not
commit, why should I ? Texas made Gary's heartbeat stop, but they can't kill
his spirit and they can't kill the memory. They can't steal the love away
from me. Gary will live on in his wonderful beautiful little girls Brittany
and Brandi. They are his flesh and blood and Gary was so proud of them and
he loved them to death, although he was not allowed for 11 years to see them
again. Last year he finally was able to see them again and it made him so
happy, filled his heart with precious joy. Gary will live on in the hearts
and memories of so many people from around the world, especially in the ones
of his close friends from Italy and Holland. And of course I never ever in
this life will forget my Gary. I will love him until the final breath I will
take. He will be in my heart forever, because he had me from Hello.
I like to thank all my friends and family, the attorneys ... all the new
friends from around the world I found while fighting this battle. Thank you
for your help and support, for being there for me in this terrible time.
It's terrible and a shame that we could not save Gary's life ... as we could
not save the lives of so many other men and women before ... but we cannot
allow this to give up hope. One day they need to stop the madness, one day
sooner or later they need to abolish the death penalty. I never will
understand how these people in Texas and the USA can live with it ... how
they can find a good night sleep. How they can call it justice to take a
live, how they can tell people by killing, that killing is wrong. How can
they do this and go on with their own lives. A life means nothing to them.
They ain't interested if someone commited the crime or not, they only are
interested in killing one person for a certain killing, no matter if this
man is guilty or not. They are taking lives just like this and call it
justice. They even think that they are the good ones. But they are not. I
often told Gary that he's better than them. Sure, Gary was a pitty criminal
and ended up in prison many times ... but he was no bad person. He was a man
with the biggest heart I ever have known, in desperate need of love and a
little attention which he never ever got in life before we met. Yes, he did
wrong often, but only because no one ever believed in him. Gary never felt
love ... he did not get love from his parents and not from his ex-wife or
ex-girlfriends. He had a cold and empty heart and became an angry young man,
because he never got the deep, true and honest love we both shared for 2
years. Lack of love was the only reason why his hand reached out to these
damn drugs so often. He needed to fill a hole and he tried to resolve
problems by taking drugs. Unfortunaltely only too late Gary understood that
drugs don't resolve anything.
I thank God for putting us together in life. I thank God for the 2 wonderful
years we had together, most of all for the precious additional time we had
after the stay in November 2000, where our love could grow stronger and we
even got married. I thank God that he allowed me to meet and know Gary. And
I thank Gary for loving me. Thank you for sharing your world and life with
me for 2 years and thank you that you let me slip into your heart. You once
told me that you wasted your life and that your life had no meaning, but
this is not true, my darling. How could a life had no meaning when you will
be not forgotten by so many friends and while living on in my heart ? I love
you and we will meet again. Adios, God bless, until we meet again. Yours
Claudia
Gary appeared to be strong and tough on the days before his terrible killing
on Tuesday. He repeated over and over that he's cool and okay, but I know
him better than that. Although he gladly was on peace and strongly believed
that he will be saved and in Heaven I also know that he was not really ready
to die. How could he ? In one of his final letters he wrote that he is on
peace and will not leave this world as an angry man as he would have if they
would have killed him in November 2000, but he also wrote that he's not
ready to die. He don't wanted to leave this world so early, but most of all
not in this terrible and senseless way.
Even on our very final visit on Tuesday morning he still was a little
optimistic and told me about a few future plans " ... if we get another
stay", but after the visit with his lawyer who told him that the US Supreme
Court denied him, I saw the change in his eyes. Now he had absolutely no
hope left anymore. Gary knew that they will kill him in only a few hours,
but he still tried to make me laugh, tried to tell me some jokes, tried to
cheer me up. But how could I laugh again ? When I cried he could not look at
me anymore, because he don't wanted to break down. He don't wanted the
guards or even other inmates see him cry. Gary was a very vulnerable and
sensitive man who even cried when he heard a romantic or sad country song.
He often wrote to me ... can you imagine ... all these people who are hating
me ... what would they think if they would know, that the man where they
think it's an animal or monster, a cold-blooded killer, that he sit in his
cell and cries, just because of a sad country song. That was the way Gary
was, strong and tough on the outside, but weak, vulnerable, sweet and easy
to hurt inside.
Even when we needed to say goodbye Gary still told me that he's okay, but he
also said, that if he would show his true feelings, then he would break down
and cry and never could stop crying again. Already at 11:50 AM they picked
him up and made me leave the visit room. Btw ... during the visit a guard
came and honestly asked Gary what to do with the money that's left on his
trust fund account. They filled in a form, plenty of paper work, Gary had to
sign a form and they acted as if this would be very important ... can you
believe that they were talking about 0.01 Dollar ??? We always knew that
this prison is stupid, but how can they do paperwork for one single Cent ?
Later in the afternoon Gary was allowed to call me at the Hospitality House
and we could talk on the phone for round about 20 minutes. To my surprise
his brother Michael Ellis Etheridge, who's the actual killer of the victim
and who recently wrote me a letter, mentioning that he's so scared that Gary
will tell in his final statement that he's the killer and this could hurt
his own parole (Michael is serving a life sentence for killing his own baby)
made a call into the Walls Unit to talk to Gary. They were able to talk
together for the first time after 12 years. When I asked Gary what the hell
Mike wanted from him Gary told me that he has no idea at all. They only
talked for a few minutes, just "casual stuff". Gary said that Mike did not
specially mentioned it, but he felt that the only reason, why Micheal called
him was, because he's still so scared that Gary could do anything that would
hurt his parole. What kind of brotherly love is this ? Gary dies for him and
this coward only think about how to save his own butt.
Gladly Gary also was able to talk to his sweet angel daughters. This meant
so much to him. He was so happy to hear their little voices one more time.
Brittany gave him strenght in reminding him to think about Jesus, Brandi
cried on the phone as well as his ex-wife Teresa did.
When I entered the witness room a little after six Gary was already laying
there. He wore a dark blue shirt and his body was covered with a sheet. You
only could see his face, his arms and his chest. He was strapped and the
hands were bandaged. I could not find out yet why they do this, you could
not see his hands or fingers anymore. The needles were not visible because
they were covered by gauze or something like that. Gary was already waiting
for me, looking at me from the moment I arrived. The Warden stood at the
side where Gary's head was, by his feet there was a prison chaplain
standing. The chaplain laid a hand on Gary's right foot during the entire
procedure.
Gary told me that he loves me and he blew a few kisses, then he asked if I
can hear him but the microphone was not on yet. He seemed to be a bit lost
and did not know what to do. What a surprise, he never before was in that
terrible situation. From the moment I saw Gary (don't ask me how I managed
it to do so), but from the moment I saw him, until he was pronounced dead, I
smiled at him. I smiled and cried, both at the same time. I smiled at him
tenderly because I wanted him to see the face he loved so very much before
he died. I wanted to make him believe that I am okay, but of course I was
not at all !!! Gary was a little confused and did not know when to begin
with his final statement. He asked the Warden if he should talk now and if
the mic is on. When it finally was on he went his head a bit to the victims
family, but did not look at them, only turned the head a bit and he said "To
the victim's family. I'm sorry for what was taken from you. I hope you find
peace." I was very surprised to hear him saying so because even in our final
phone call Gary said that he will not leave any message for the victims
family, because he has nothing to tell them. Gary said since he did not kill
the girl, there's nothing he could say. I even suggested him to not say
anything to the victims family because I felt they either would take it as a
confession, that he killed the girl or they maybe even would hold it against
him ... not believing him that he is sorry that a life was taken. I told
Gary ... you don't owe them anything, you already give your life for them
... what else do they need from you, but anyway, last minute Gary has
decided to address a few words to them. I think he did it because he wanted
to leave this world on peace.
After this Gary again looked at me, tried to smile, blowed one more kiss and
said "To my sweet Claudia. I love you. Stay strong, keep building and be
careful. Be careful. I love you." I was not aware that Gary was done with
the statement since he did not say "I'm ready Warden" or something like
that. Everyone seemed a little bit confused, Gary looked at the Warden, a
woman came from the room where they press the buttons to let the poison
flowing into his veins and she asked something and because Gary began to
talk again I still was not aware that the killing process already had began.
Gary blew me a final kiss and said with a still strong but tired sounded
voice "I hope there's closure for the victim's family and everybody." While
talking and looking at me Gary has turned his face towards me, but when the
poison hit his veins he turned his head back and because of the confusion
and because I did not know if he's finished with his statement I only was
aware that they really already had began to kill him when Gary was laying
there and softly closed his eyes. Even during the killing process Gary spoke
again. It broke my heart when he said "I can feel it burning" and "I'm
getting really dizzy" and I hope so very much that he finally did not feel
the pain when the lungs collapsed. The last sound that was to hear from
Gary, sounded a little bit like snoring and just as if he tried to take one
more deep breath, but could no more longer.
From the moment I entered the witness room until Gary closed his eyes he had
tears in his eyes. I am glad that he did not look straight to the victims
family and you could not hear it in his voice, that he felt like crying. I
was glad that only I could see the tears in his eyes. The media people did
not see it (at least they did not mention it in the papers) and the victims
family could not see his tears, because Gary did not turn his head that far.
I was so happy for him, that he did not break down while laying on the
gurney, saying his final words because he would have hated it to break down
in front of the police officers who investigated against him and in front of
the people who kill him.
At 6:22 PM the doctor pronounced Gary dead, nine minutes after they began to
kill him on 6:13 PM. Gary was so hoping that the victims family will find
closure, although he did not kill the girl, but I do not hope this. I know
that there was a life taken from them as well, but I hate it to think about
that the senseless killing of my Gary will cheer up others. And I hope that
they are better than that. How can they be satisfied or happy now, when
another life is taken, when another mother cries, when two innocent little
girls (12 and 13 years old) need to grow up without their daddy ? How can
they find something like "closure" ? What exactely is closure ? Gary's
killing will not bring back the victim, so how could it ever ease their pain
? I fear that sooner or later the victims family will find out that nothing
has changed in their life ... that there is no closure at all, because they
still will miss their loved ones terribly.
It's hard to describe what I felt. As frightened as I was before to watch my
beloved husbands killing ... the act itself was not as horrible to me as I
expected it to be. I never understood and hated it when people said ... the
men only are going to sleep ... but it indeed at least appeard to me in this
way. When Gary closed his eyes and was laying there with closed eyes ... I
could not believe that it is over now ... that he never again will open his
beautiful eyes, smile at me ... tell me that he loves me ... but at least it
appeared to me that it's a "peaceful dead" ... if there ever is a way to
call killing a young and healthy human being "peaceful". At least it
appeared to me that Gary is on peace now and save in God's hand. Gary was a
Believer until the very end. He even became very angry when I told him in
the morning of his last day, that I will not believe in God anymore, when
they kill him tonight. How can I believe in a God that allow this senseless
and terrible cruel killing ? But Gary told me that there is a God and that
he will face God tonight and he knew that he will be saved by the grace of
God and that he will go to Heaven which will be paradise because he's a good
man. Gary knew that he did wrong plenty in his life, but we all know that he
paid for it even much more than a man should. Gary did not fear to face God
because he knew that he will be saved. Gary begged me to still believe in
God. When I asked him if he think that it is God's will that he will die
today after 6:00 PM Gary said "no, this is not God's will, this is what
Texas want, this never ever in life is God's will".
Straight after the execution, when I could view his body at the funeral
home, Gary's face looked terrible because of the change of the skin.
Although I was told so, I was not really prepared to this since I never saw
a dead body. I was frightened and worried that Gary did not find peace
because he did not look very peacefully. But on Wednesday and today
(Thursday) in the meantime the expression on his face appears much more
relaxed and peaceful. Tomorrow in the morning I can view Gary one final time
and after this they will cremate his body and I will take the ashes with me
to Germany, since it was Gary's urgent need and strongest wish to go home
with me, dead or alive.
In his final letter, which Gary wrote from the death house, only a few hours
before the execution, Gary asked me to try to forgive Texas and the US, but
how chould I ? They did not forgive him 12 years after a crime he did not
commit, why should I ? Texas made Gary's heartbeat stop, but they can't kill
his spirit and they can't kill the memory. They can't steal the love away
from me. Gary will live on in his wonderful beautiful little girls Brittany
and Brandi. They are his flesh and blood and Gary was so proud of them and
he loved them to death, although he was not allowed for 11 years to see them
again. Last year he finally was able to see them again and it made him so
happy, filled his heart with precious joy. Gary will live on in the hearts
and memories of so many people from around the world, especially in the ones
of his close friends from Italy and Holland. And of course I never ever in
this life will forget my Gary. I will love him until the final breath I will
take. He will be in my heart forever, because he had me from Hello.
I like to thank all my friends and family, the attorneys ... all the new
friends from around the world I found while fighting this battle. Thank you
for your help and support, for being there for me in this terrible time.
It's terrible and a shame that we could not save Gary's life ... as we could
not save the lives of so many other men and women before ... but we cannot
allow this to give up hope. One day they need to stop the madness, one day
sooner or later they need to abolish the death penalty. I never will
understand how these people in Texas and the USA can live with it ... how
they can find a good night sleep. How they can call it justice to take a
live, how they can tell people by killing, that killing is wrong. How can
they do this and go on with their own lives. A life means nothing to them.
They ain't interested if someone commited the crime or not, they only are
interested in killing one person for a certain killing, no matter if this
man is guilty or not. They are taking lives just like this and call it
justice. They even think that they are the good ones. But they are not. I
often told Gary that he's better than them. Sure, Gary was a pitty criminal
and ended up in prison many times ... but he was no bad person. He was a man
with the biggest heart I ever have known, in desperate need of love and a
little attention which he never ever got in life before we met. Yes, he did
wrong often, but only because no one ever believed in him. Gary never felt
love ... he did not get love from his parents and not from his ex-wife or
ex-girlfriends. He had a cold and empty heart and became an angry young man,
because he never got the deep, true and honest love we both shared for 2
years. Lack of love was the only reason why his hand reached out to these
damn drugs so often. He needed to fill a hole and he tried to resolve
problems by taking drugs. Unfortunaltely only too late Gary understood that
drugs don't resolve anything.
I thank God for putting us together in life. I thank God for the 2 wonderful
years we had together, most of all for the precious additional time we had
after the stay in November 2000, where our love could grow stronger and we
even got married. I thank God that he allowed me to meet and know Gary. And
I thank Gary for loving me. Thank you for sharing your world and life with
me for 2 years and thank you that you let me slip into your heart. You once
told me that you wasted your life and that your life had no meaning, but
this is not true, my darling. How could a life had no meaning when you will
be not forgotten by so many friends and while living on in my heart ? I love
you and we will meet again. Adios, God bless, until we meet again. Yours
Claudia