I have recently gotten out of an abusive relationship. I have lived with abuse all my life. My husband and I married Jan 10th of this year, we were happy for a little while. Then out of the blue on May5th he beat me really bad and he also struck my two year old daughter. I remember my mom being beat by my father when I was young. I can't let my baby ever see that again. I do love my husband even though he did what he did, but I have to do what is best for me and my child. I struggle everyday not to go back to him. It's hard considering that I am nine months pregnant with his child. I have to move on with my life. It took awhile for me to break that cycle of abuse, but I don't want to continue it. My life is much better without having to be scared and walking on eggshells around the one that I love. It's hard to let go of someone that we love. Love shouldn't hurt should it????? I ask myself that everyday. I know what love is now that I have my beautiful daughter's eyes to look into. I see love there not when I look in the mirror and see myself with black eyes. Everyone out there that is dealing with abuse be strong and break that cycle, love yourself and feel good about yourself. No one deserves to be abused.

This is something I just posted to another lady's thread, but I think it would be worth sharing with you, too. I hope it helps.

(One of the posters there had mentioned the beautiful letters you get from them while they're in prison.)

Oh, the letters are just works of art, aren't they? But words aren't love even though they may contain a lot of the word "love". Love is actions. Now that I've been in recovery for so long, I never put stock in just words. If anything about a man's actions isn't loving then I'm outa there! My counsellor back in '85 opened my eyes to what I could never have realized without her help-----that ever since I was a child, the people who were supposed to love me had only SAID they loved me while abusing me in every way---physically, sexually, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I was even told I was loved while I was being beaten for something. I wanted and needed love so desperately, as does every person, that of course I believed them. Therefore when I heard the word "love" from men when I got older, then I was hooked. I (although it's very sick, I know) would also believe that since a man loved me, (because I heard or read the words) that anything he did to me was my fault for not being "good" and that I deserved the abuse because I brought it on myself. I hadn't behaved right, I hadn't kept the house clean enough, I hadn't spoken to him right, even down to not having climaxed during sex. All he had to do to hook me into it again was to throw me some "love" words and I was right back in the fire. If a guy finally got so violent to me that I did get him out of my life, I was so starved for affection and so empty of self-esteem that I thought I had to find another man to validate myself. Like with addiction of any kind, (and relationships can be addictive) it's progressive and it gets worse so I'd end up being with even worse abusers the next time. I can't tell you how many years I felt like I was going out of my mind, swearing I'd never let it happen to me again but yet it happened with every relationship. It finally culminated in an experience I'm lucky I lived through.

A person doesn't heal overnight from abuse. It takes a very long time of concentrating on one's self and building self esteem in our own right. For some of us, that might be the first time in our lives that we've ever known who we really are instead of just always trying to figure out who we needed to become to get and keep the love of some other person--usually a man. We have to heal, know who we are, and know that we're worthy and beautiful just because we exist, not because someone else approves of us.

Not every abused woman is abused as a child, and even if they are, it may be just in the form of a constantly cold and disapproving parent rather than extreme abuse of all kinds. But any woman who is abused, no matter what her childhood has been, has undergone a kind of brainwashing by her abuser and that will follow her for the rest of her life to some extent. It's very important to heal from it as fully as possible.

I hope my sharing this can help you or someone else who reads this.

d to another lady's thread, but I think it would be worth sharing with you, too. I hope it helps.