Hi All ...
I’m one of the new Research Assistants working on “Coming Home”. As many of you know, I have a vested interest in this particular area because my son, Marcus, will soon be coming home ... but, equally as important I have an interest in my PTO family as this is a subject that is close to all of our hearts. We ”ALL” want our loved ones to succeed when it is their time to come home. As I have read through many of the posts these last few days concerning your loved ones coming home and the problems you are either now experiencing or anticipate experiencing it is evident that there are a lot similarities in the problems faced.

As this is a topic of concern for all of us I will be hoping that y’all will help me with this by submitting any information that you have; ... first, on what some of you may have already gone through ... second, on what you may have found in looking for the information in anticipation of your loved one coming home.

Since we are such a large family and still growing it will be a while before we are able to cover the peculiarities of each state but in time this is exactly what we will be hoping to accomplish ... for now we will be devoting this forum to generalities with somewhat of an over shadowing of Texas info since this is where I am located and it will be easier to get more information here. That being said, this is also an area where many of you can assist me by giving me your takes on what you know in each of your home states or the ones you have dealt with.

Some ideas I have at this time are;

What are they experiencing before being released, i.e. increased anxiety, anger, grand expectations and etc.
What has the “system” done to prepare them for release and is it realistic to what they will encounter?

How do they get home?
What are their expectations of you and others, family members and friends, when they do come home?
What do they feel is the most important thing of coming home, i.e. in the first few days
first meal
a private shower
going for a walk alone
buying clothes, themselves or you
health concerns
loud noises
being alone
not answering to anyone, i.e. “don’t ask me where I’m going”
getting a job
not finding a job
and “?”

What does your state’s Parole Office list as “have to’s”?
What does/has your loved one’s Parole Officer “demand(ed)”?
Are the differences in the two unrealistic?
How has your loved one dealt with his Parole Officers demands?
What assistance do you expect from your Parole Officer?
What assistance have your received from your Parole Officer?
What avenues are available for grievances with your Parole Officer?
Have you had viable assistance in seeking employment?

The above is not an end all list, it will be added to as I think of something or one of you remind me of another topic.

I also want to develop a list of “employment sources” aside from the local “State Employment” office.

As time goes on and info is gathered here we will attempt to sort and categorize it so if something you have posted seems to disappear, please, don’t be alarmed as we will only be trying to set this up where it is the easiest to seek the specific info for your needs without having to wade through everything else.

Last but certainly not least ... I am open to any and all ideas here ... this is for all of us so if you have a suggestion or question, post it here or if you’d rather, PM me anytime.

China,

Welcome aboard, I am certainly happy to have you here as Research Assistant!

I think having your added research and imput to the forum will be a wonderful source of information!

Patti

China, You have some great ideas. I know you'll do a wonderful job and be of help to so many.

Frisco, thank you:)

Valerie ... thank you for your kind words ... there is so much information out there that needs to be gathered, it is almost a little over whelming but ... with the help of all our family here who have "had" a loved one come home or who "is" coming home I think we will be ale to get a good grasp of the situation in time with at least some elemental skills to work with to help them all succeed

Some ideas I have at this time are;

[will try and answer but i am so 'old'; 1990]

What are they experiencing before being released, i.e. increased anxiety, anger, grand expectations and etc.

[anxiety; i am going to be all alone, in a homeless shelter, need surgery; i should stay here with my 'prison family' instead, i won't get heath care but i won't be all alone. my friends here know this and the guards let them pack my stuff,
cuz i am not. my lifer friends are a little mad cuz they would give anything in reason to be in my shoes but they try to ease my worries. i wrote this as if it were 1990]

What has the “system” done to prepare them for release and is it realistic to what they will encounter?

[a person can prepare themselves by how they conduct their life inside]


How do they get home?

[hopefully atleast a spiritual volunteer will drive them]


What are their expectations of you and others, family members and friends, when they do come home?

What do they feel is the most important thing of coming home, i.e. in the first few days

[belonging]

buying clothes, themselves or you
[you might think that everyone in the store 'knows' and you are being looked at more closely than 'normal' customers]

health concerns
[definetly; getting insurance to get the needed care]


not finding a job

[yes, especially if you are not healthy and in this market]


and “?”
[housing]

What does your state’s Parole Office list as “have to’s”?
[some states put out a handbook]


What assistance have your received from your Parole Officer?
[in 1990, you were all on your own to make it]



Have you had viable assistance in seeking employment?
[back in 1990, at the prison was a very successful job placement program, with an almost no recidivism rate by its graduates, but i hear the gov. cut that program a few years later; nuts!]


The above is not an end all list, it will be added to as I think of something or one of you remind me of another topic.

[what assistance do my victims need?]

[what is the defining moment that I am a good citizen instead of an exoffender?]

I also want to develop a list of “employment sources” aside from the local “State Employment” office.

[volunteering can be useful towards employment and it is a good thing anyway]

[hope this helps some]

Hi All,

I really need some input here ... if you have a loved one on the way home, please list the thoughts they may have shared with you ~

If you, yourself, have been released, please list the areas of difficulty that you may have experienced and the successes you had ~

Even if you previously posted this information elsewhere on PTO, we really need it here, too :)

thanks,

bump

common guys ... I know we have ex-inmates in the family as well as many who have just had a loved one come home or will be coming home ... please, help me here :(

hi, if you ask some questions, i will do my best to try answer but keep in mind, it is different for feamales, different if there is no substance abuse and the world has changed alot since my coming home 1989..

s.

I hope I’m about to respond in the way you intended.

My OJ comes home in 49 days after being gone 17 years. He’s been in Illinois prisons on a murder conviction. This was his one and only brush with the law, and hopefully his last. OJ is guilty of being present when the crime occurred, he did not have a gun and the shooting stemmed from an argument between one of the men he was with and another person, yet the two men along with the shooter all received prison time.

We speak almost daily.. He told me last night that he feels positive about 80% of the time, when I asked him what has him feeling negative the remaining 20% of the time, he couldn’t be very specific. But then he went on to speak about how society will view him and if people will judge him solely on his conviction.

We found out yesterday that he will be on an Electronic Device for an indeterminate time period, meaning it could remain for the entire three years of his parole. I think I was more upset than he was with that news. He said and I quote “nothing they do surprises me, you hope for the best, but be prepared for the worse”.

OJ has asked me to please refrain from making any negative comments; I don’t think I’ve ever said anything negative, I call it being realistic. Sometime I feel he’s setting himself up for failure, and I feel as the person who loves him most on this earth it’s my responsibility to keep him grounded. But he takes some of what I say as me being negative. For example when he speaks about job opportunities, I know from my years of meeting other women through my weekly visits, the issues their men have encountered upon release. I’ve said to OJ, “I know you’ll find work, it may not be exactly what you want in the beginning, but in time, you’ll find a job that you like”.

OJ’s mom God love her, has sent him 100.00 a month for his entire incarceration. OJ has a saving account with more that 4k, and also has purchased stocks. His big dream is to invest that money into rental property as soon as possible. Going back to his employment potential, he knows he is going to need an alternative income source, because he’s in his 40’s without the luxury of a pension plan in place, he feels he needs to take steps to insure his/our future.

I will be picking OJ up the morning of his release; if I weren’t available the state of Illinois would purchase him either a bus or train ticket to get back to his home area. Inmates are also given a check in the amount of 50.00 upon their release from Illinois prisons.

Last year OJ purchased through the commissary new under clothes, in his mind he knew it would be the last purchase of these type of garment that he would need, So he kept a pair of boxers, a t-shirt and socks neatly folded (never worn) for the day he’s released. Over the past year I have made monthly clothing purchases for OJ, when he gets home he’ll find he has an entire wardrobe waiting.

He’s said to me twice in the past month, that he wants to feel like he’s home and not just a visitor. So I’ve been trying to accomplish that by clearing space that is all his. In the master bath I’ve emptied out his side of the double bowl vanity, and have all his toiletries and colognes in there, like he’s always been here.

I told him I would wash all the new clothing and have it in his dresser, but he asked me not to do that. He wants to feel like the items are his and if they are already laundered, he’ll feel like they were someone else’s. (I think that’s’ a lil crazy) But if the situation were reversed I guess I may feel the same. So even though I have all his toiletries under the vanity, I left them all in their manufactures packaging, for him to open.

His first meal request has changed over the years, but they’ve never been extravagant. At one time he asked that I make a pot roast, then he changed it to (you ready for this) meatloaf, now he asked if I would fry some fish. OJ hates fast food, and is looking forward to good ole home cooking.

He also said in our conversation last night that he can’t wait to take a “real bath” and sleep on a real mattress.

I asked him if he thought he’d be shy around me after all these years. Personally for me, it’s going to feel like the first time. He just laughed and said babe, for 17 years I’ve had to shower with hundreds of different men, if I ever was shy I can say I’m not anymore”.

We’ve spoke in detail about his three years of parole, over the many years he’s been in he’s known many many men that have been violated and sent back to prison, some for nothing more than having a piss poor PO, that had it out for them. He’s told me, that he plans on following all their rules to the tee.. but knows he has no control over a PO lying. We know if God forbid the worse happens and he does get violated, the worse they can do to him is make him serve half of his remaining parole time, and then he’d come out free and clear. He never wants to go back, but subconsciously is prepared for the worse.

We both have guarded expectations about our future. I think after all these years and all we’ve been through we’ll be fine, but I don’t expect it to be without work. People change, I’m not that same little woman he knew before he went in and he’s not that same man I knew. I know I have to relinquish some of the control and decision making I’ve had sole responsibility for all these years and allow him to be the man of the house. And he knows that’s going to be a process. For all intend and purpose I have been the protector, giving up that crown and handing it over to him, won’t be easy. But at the same time I look forward to it.

He also asked me last night if I believed in him. My response was “baby, if I didn’t have complete faith and trust in you as a person. I wouldn’t have stuck around. I could feel his smile radiating through the phone wires. Even though he gives this persona of being self-confidant, I know there’s this scared little boy inside that mans body. It’s been a conscious decision on my part to remain in this mans life, in knowing that it’s also my responsibility to help him be the best he can be. I plan of doing this by allowing him to make his own decisions and being there to help when I can.

I don’t know if we PTO family members are a fair representation of people coming home. Our loved ones are the lucky handful, to have us in their corner. My thoughts and prayers are with the thousands of men and women that walk out those gate, without anyone waiting to bring them home!

Cheena, I hope I responded in the way you intended us to. If not I apologize for this long rambling post.

wow, can hardly see to type, tears.. best to you 2! i think that most po's treat long timers who have good records, better than short timers, not fair but for you 2, i hope this is the case!

Squid, Thank you and it's funny you mention that. When the PO was here, he basically said the same thing. I believe he said he's found that most mature parolees (meaning OJ's age) tend to make it through parole easier than young guys who've done short bits. I suppose that comes the long sentence and age, that one appreciates their freedom all the more.

Monica ... yes, yes, yes ... this is exactly what I think we need ... the little things you mention [well, obviously not little to him] like not washing his clothes, the packaging on toiletries ... I don't think most of us would have thought about this but, I can see where it could matter ... most men don't express their inner most feelings for fear [mental] insecurities or what ever may be the reason or women either after being incarcerated and no privacy, it may be difficult to verbalize ... by getting these little details where we can all draw from them for our own situations I believe will enable us to help our men and women ... Frisco mentioned in one of her posts that in the beginning it was difficult to just open and go through a door ... all the little nuances are significant, if we aren't alert to them our loved ones might as well be alone in the first few days or weeks ... if we can clear the path to and in, the hearth, then they can devote ALL their energies to dealing with the requirements of parole and THE parole officer.


Squid ... you bring up an interesting notion ...parole officers ... anyone care to comment on this one?

Q. How many years were you in and how were/are you treated by your PO?

Q. What is/was the age of your PO and how were/are you treated?

Let's keep the comments coming ... thanx

HI, my coming home meant coming home to know one, no family, all alone, i wish i had had someone like Eboniizs, or anyone decent to come home to. in fact, i had to stay longer because i was homeless. after 6 years, 6 months and 19 days, i came home to a homeless shelter. a nice lady from cps i knew had boxes of her daughter's lovely clothes, and even a watch for me that her daughter didn't want, in the foyer, when i arrived. the nuns were not nice and made me stay out on the streets weekends, rain or shine, for most of the day. monday was trash day, and there it was, a couple of cases of empty beer bottles, which explains why. all i wanted to do was stay in my room, read and or watch football and not bother anyone but...and there were times i had wanted to go back to prison over that.

next parole said i should get into a group home, i did that for a few months and was recovering from back surgery [it failed, i never worked again] from when i was hurt at the st.,
which did not treat me and tried to tell me it was all in my head that i was just nervous about coming home. next i got public housing, by that time i had met my husband to be,
got public housing, eventually got married, had son, and we moved to where we are now.continued

had several pos over the years, most about 40 years old, so we weren't that far apart in ages.
i think the first few years they worried if i would drink or use, even tho i had no history... i guess cuz so many parolees did,
so i had to get tested , and always after a holiday, and even while pregnant.
they were all nice. my 2nd last one was found out using coke and ended up a felon.
nothing else really stands out for me that i remember on that.

oh, we had a dog that didn't like people, so when the po would come, i used to have to say wait a min and put him out,
i think sometimes the po would think that maybe i was tryin to hide something! so we found and bought a special muzzle,
then the po saw why he could not just come right in.


i did not have any friends going in because the man i was with then, my codefendent, was abusive and had isolated me prior to the offense.

i have not made any close friends because being disabled i stay in and there was no money to got out like the other moms did in the neighborhood.

i am feeling alone, like the girl i was in '89, being my hubby got sick and is in assisted living and we are on the road to homlessness, but the shelters here do not take boys age 13.

i think if i had had friends, the po would have worried what kind of friends i had, at first.

i still miss my 'lifer family' at the st. i was never allowed to write them or any contact.
except the lady gayle, on the book cover, whom i do not know as she came after i left,
many of my lifer friends are in the book,
doing life by howard zher.

it hurts that they have to think i have forgotten them.

i wish everyone as good of a parole expierence as i had with their po. i bet alot has changed since tho...

My son came home in March after doing one year. I noticed him taking extra extra long showers, as a matter of fact, he still does this. I took him to the store to buy deodarent, shampoo, toothpaste, etc and I could not believe how long it took him to decide which to buy. He had to smell everything once or twice before deciding. He kept to himself pretty much for the first few weeks, but then got 'back into the swing of things'. His first night out, the entire family got together for a big dinner at his favorite restaurant. I thought he would enjoy this...he really didn't. Too many people, too much confusion I guess. He later said he would have much rather have had a quiet dinner at home, but he didn't want to hurt my feelings by saying he didn't really want to go. He wanted to go where he wanted, when he wanted. For example, at 2 a.m. he might say he was walking to the convienance store down the street. I'd ask why, and he'd say because I can! He may not even have bought anything, just liked the fact that he could go if he wanted. He has had trouble finding a job though. He is a convicted felon and has to state so on job applications. He keeps trying but hasn't found any long term employment. He has been hired through temp agencies. Hope this has helped some. I realize this perspective is coming from someone that was only in for one year, not nearly the length of time that some have been on the inside, so I am sure it will be a little different.

Wow! Eboniizes ,17 years, That's 9 more then my husband just did.. It sound's like the exact same thing I went thru. I picked my husband up today and brought him to the halfway houses. We had all these plan's of how it would be .. but it was so wierd just seeing him next to me. I applaud you. He has alot to look foward too. Goodluck:)

Squid ... you have sure had a rough time of it ... I really appreciate you sharing here with us ... I know it's not easy for you right now... prayers and hugs to you ~

Joyce ... thank you as well ... even though your Son was only in for a year, it obviously took it's toll and this will be helpfull to others ... how has his parole officer been towards him?

Jimmyzgrl ... can you share with us some of the concerns your husband may have now about going into the halfway house and then coming home?

cheenna> thanks for your care; i hurt my back worse tryin to pack/move heavy box. there is an agency that gives first months and security in my hubby's county, [so we could move immediately to a temp. apt. while waiting on public housing], they approved us but said one hitch, call back the next day to get the answer, i did, and they said they do not help out of county families! i found gov people connected with them in my county so on the bus we go to town tommorrow. i might have given up, but fri. i borrowed the tape,
john q, and got inspired.

all this is 'prison' connected; had i not hurt my back there, on my 2nd job, or atleast got worker's comp from it, we would not have been/ be so poor.

is there a thread on this site about getting hurt in prison, but no worker's comp like regular people who work and get hurt on the job?

also, i do remember how overwhelming just choosing what flavor soft drink to pick, there was all this new stuff to choose from, i am still a slow shopper, but now it is more, pick it up,
put it back down...even chicken is so expensive today.

what i did while on the inside was important to the po. i had even taken a how to spend your leisure time class! [i got hurt with 4 months left ]. since the majority of crimes back then atleast, were committed during lesiure hours.

i would never say, 'i am not coming back', like most of my peers said. i would say to them and whomever, 'i will be a good citizen and member of my community.' i just felt putting it in positive terms makes for a better mindset, and positive actions more easily follow.

even tho i could not work, i wanted to belong more to my community, so i was a volunteer; i called seniors everyday to cheer them up and make sure they were ok, thru an agency.
today, i run a messageboard to help children who need special ed.

even if you cannot get a job, go volunteer with habitat for humanity, soup kitchen, ect.. it will show the po you want to belong and are being a good member of your community, will help your resume too.

perhaps these days, community service is mandatory? it was not in the 80s and 90s.

Squid ... the idea of community service is a good one ... most in TX have a mandatory # hours they must complete but, there often is not much of a choice as to where it is done ... perhaps if one were to do a little extra doing something they have an interest in that would show initiative?

sounds good! i'm sure employers would like to see that extra on the resume.

[btw; sun. we are moving to a temp shelter house in the next county, hard, in so much pain, but that solves our prob. to get the public housing processed, it is in the city, next to the town we want to settle in, been going crazy tryin to get it together, found out less than 48 hrs ago. i am not doing that great in my new role as a single parent and single-like person. i feel thrust into a new world, like i did when i 'came home' in '89 but now with a teen to care for too].

everyone here;
holidays were the sadest time on the inside, especially if you had no one on the outside. if you were there a while, the lifer women would be like a sister to you tho. please think of those on the inside who have no one.. your loved ones inside are lucky to have you!

signing offline for awhile. please keep us in your prayers.

my husband fears going back after being let out

being confronted by an angry person, like another man challenging him, having to walk away from it, and not fight. even though he has not had a fight with anyone in over ten years. and he is a counselor in a aggression program.

he worries about traveling alone on the train

he worries about being able to adjust

I worry and am afraid he will leave me or we will realize it is not going to work out after he comes home.I worry about that a lot. like how wll we get along, what if he doesnt like the way I live or living with pets and this is just a few things.
I worry he wont open up to me, not thinking I will get him.

This is all so new to my guy and I...he has never been in nor have I ever been close to anyone in the "prison system." He will be getting out in a month or so (of course, they won't tell him exactly when at this time).

He is now a felon because we did not have the money to hire a good attorney...he had one DWI and no others for 11 years prior (3 years before we even knew each other...been together 8 years)...since his appointed attorney disappeared right before his court date, my guy slipped through the cracks.

He has been in now for 14 months...he will have completed all the programs they had him in next week.

We are really concerned about him getting employment when he gets out. He has medical problems on top of now being labeled a felon. I have heard that temp agencies may be his only bet. We have also discussed him going to college on grants and student loan programs for those coming out of prison. But, I haven't found any programs, so far, for ex-offenders. I have heard that the community college where I go may have such a program. I am in the process of researching that.

He is ready to come home and resume our relationship and marriage in the near future. He doesn't seem to have any concerns besides work when he comes out.

We have a very strong relationship, and we knew that we had to turn this whole mess around to the good. We did that with our communication through letters and a few visits.

I know we will make it and end up with a beautiful future because we love each other that much and will do everything we have to to get there.

Thanks for this forum.

Mrs. G, thank you for posting ... you bring up another area that I hadn't given much thought to, that of the personal aspects of the relationship after a long separation or a relationship started after incarceration ... I guess this really is a two way street when it comes to adjustments.


Crisslee ... employment is really a big issue as it is so hard for our loved ones to A.) find employment B.) keeping the job with all the requirerments that are put upon them by PO's .
Without insurane I see where a prior medical condition would be of great concern too!

How do we resolve these issues or at the least, make it easier for them coming home ... any body got any ideas?

I think you are only labeled if you allow that to affect you,
I do not believe in labels...I think anyone can make it if they want to.

Eboniizs...your story gave me tears in my eyes...im guessing by now your man is home and i wish the best for you guys in days to come...

China...what your doing is wonderful...keep up the good work...i have so much respect for everyone here at PTO...and well...i guess im here to share my story as well...also hoping someone can answer my questions...

there is 51 days remaining until release for my boyfriend...im getting so excited...yet looking back on the things ive been through and all the pain and suffering...it feels like this all was a never-ending nightmare...and maybe it is...

my main concern is "what is going to happen when he comes home?"

let me tell you guys...that im only 19...and so is he...one month after he gets released he will turn 20...he will be a 20 year old with 2 strikes on his record...how is he ever going to get a job? will anyone hire him based on his record? it is so sad to see how many people judge...because he is a good person and a hard worker too...even though he has made mistakes in the past, it kills me to see him carrying those 2 strikes for the rest of his life...ive heard so many stories where 2 strikers get their 3rd...

in one case...this guy was driving and had a screwdriver in the passengers seat because he was fixing something in his car ealier...he got pulled over and got his 3rd strike for having a "weapon"

another case was that this guy stole a slice of pizza because he was so hungry...and he got his 3rd strike...

its just so scary...having 2 strikes...its like your living in fear of violation everyday...even when you dont do anything!! because cops out there are currupt...and all people see in you when they see your record...is that your a criminal...they fail to see the real human being beneath that...they choose to not believe that people can change...

so many of my friends have told me to just leave my boyfriend...but i see things in him other people will never see...i like to believe that people can change with the right kind of guidence...and since ive been with him...he has changed so much...though im only 19 and have my whole life to live...i feel like i have lived so much already...through going to college while managing two stores and working at another job...trying to maintain my straight As in school as well as making enough money to send to him...and when he comes home...there is still probation AND parole bills to pay...its been so much stress...

well...i think ive been talking too much...if anyone knows any info about parole in california...let me know please...i have only heard bits and pieces of things...thank you guys so much...

-jun-

My Husband Is Getting Ready To Come Home. I Dont Know If This Is Anything That Your Interested In But Last Night The Parole Officer Came To My Home To Approve His Home Plan. Anyway He Heard My Dog In The Basement Barking. We Have Had My Dog For About 1 1/2. I Have 3 Children I Told Him That It Was For Protection. He Said That I Have To Get Rid Of Him, Or My Husbands Home Plan Will Be Denied. He Said I Could Fight Him But The Chances Of The Board Arguing With Him Is Slim. I Made It Aware That My Dog Is A Pitbull And They Will Kill Him Here In Philadelphia, And Other Organizations That Try To Save Pits Have Waiting List. So He Told Me I Have To Make A Choice. Nice Huh. Well Every One Knows Who I Choose. I Am Still Looking Though He Said I Have Until The Day My Husband Comes Home. My Husband Dont Know Any Of This Yet Either. I Am Waiting For Him To Call Now Tg For Dsl. He Is Going To Be Soo Upset, He Loves That Dog..and I Know This Is Going To Put My Husband In A Bad Position With His New Po Too. He Is Going To Hate This Man. Who Wouldnt? Ne Way My Point Was What Is Up With Po's? I Know I Have Rights. But He Basically Said If I Fight Him He Will Deny Him. Other Than This Big Problem With Him He Seems Great, But I Cant Get Past This. My Dog Is A Baby We Have Had Him Since He Was Tiny He Was Raised Around My Children. I Dont Get It. This Is Messed Up! And I Cant Do Anything About It.

I think all of us can have a say in this forum. We all talk to our loved ones about the day they get out and what kinds of things they need from us and want when they get home.
I think some more questions need to be brought up in regards to what we need to do as individuals to help our loved ones suceed.
I for one have talked to Ron over and over about all of this. He is up for 3 more months of good time and if he receives it he will be home in 15 months. I am terrified already. I love him so much I am scared if I make a mistake he will get spooked and do something wrong and he will go right back.
So how do you make them feel at home?
I don't understand not feeling at home. I have tried to make this place as comfortable as possible and even had him help me pick out furniture and decorations for the place.
How do you help them not overload themselves, they want to do so much, but when they are there they freeze?
Like taking him to the store when he asks to go, but then once we are there he is confused and scared. What do you do?
Should you expect them to get a job right away or is that too much pressure on them right after getting out, but yet how do you show them a normal life if they don't work?
What if you know their family are horrible influences and do illegal things, yet they love these people and want to see them, how can you protect them and still let them have a relationship with them?
Will it always feel like you have a grown baby you still need to watch like a toddler?
These are my questions so far.

I think all of those are great questions and I'm looking forward to seeing what answers people come up with. I also face the situation of those in my husbands family not being good influences on him and I have already faced off with his father more than once. With me being older then my husband it seems like his father forgets the fact that I am not some young girl who needs the approval of my husbands family to be happy, I could careless if his father likes me or not, he is a loser and he knows I feel this way, but I don't care. We are lucky in the fact that everyone in my husbands family lives almost 4 hours away. Now his mom and stepdad are pretty cool, they were our witnesses when we got married and they have supported us from the very beginning. I spoke with my mother-in-law a couple weeks ago and she asked me when she would get to see us after Brad comes home and I said probably after him being home a week we'll come there so Brad can see everyone, and she said she would rather come to us and stay in a hotel (she likes walking around naked :) ) and the way she feels is that there is nothing for Brad where he lived (meaning nothing but bad memories) and that if we make his father come to our home to see Brad we can control the situation and make sure there is no drinking and drugs around any of us cause she knows I don't let my son around anyone who drinks and for sure we do not want anyone around us doing drugs, so after that Brad and I decided it would probably be better to have them come here but I did tell Brad that his father has to get a hotel room because the last time he came here he went home and told Brad a lot of bad things about me, and I told him he is no longer welcome to stay at my house. Anyway, the way I look at it is this, Brad is my husband and my son's stepdad. we are his family and if there is someone who wwants to get my husband back into the crap then they are not welcome in our life and thank god my husband agrees, so about your man's family, if they won't keep things away from your man that could land him back in prison then they aren't good for you and your man and I would make sure your man knows how you feel. I thought it might cause problems with me and Brad when I told him I didn't wwant my son or us around his father and he surprised me by totally agreeing with me. So talk to your man about it, he might agree with you and that will stop alot of problem for the two of you! Good luck!

I have talked to Ron about all of this and he says he agrees with me. I told him that his family is not welcome in our home because of the way they act and that I don't want all the drama they create to invade our loving home. He says he agrees, but sometimes I wonder if all of it will get to him when he comes home. Too much stress could make him think again about the life he used to live, you know? I know he loves his family very much and he is such a follower when it comes to the way he lives. I know his intentions are well meaning and that if he can stay away from their drama he will do just fine, but he won't cut them out of his life. I would never ask him to do that anyway. I just want to limit the amount of time he spends with them so that he can think with a clear head and not get all muddled up inside because of their drama.
Things are very different when they come home. Sometimes they are able to stay straight and make their intentions be reality and sometimes they think one way while in there and try so darn hard to do the right think but life is hard and sometimes they don't make it because they can't get a break to literally save their lives.
I have talked to him until I am blue in the face about all of this and he always says I am his family now and to forget them, but evil always seems to prevail in these poor guys's lives and when I think about his family I think about evil and them sucking him back into a life he doesn't need.

Jamie, I agree with you that if we were to insist they cut out their family it would cause to many problems. Like I said earlier, I guess I'm lucky since we live almost 4 hours away from anyone in his family and all the old friends he use to have, so the only time we will be around them is when I'm with him so I'll be able to control the situation a little better. But the bottom line is that we have to trust our men to do the right thing and to care more about us then breaking the law.

Good luck to you two.

Can't believe I just saw this tonite! What a great idea! Kevin came home April 1st - a little over 2 mths ago. A little about his homecoming:

I picked him up at 10:00 am - figured they'd be late, I'd have to wait, so I wasn't rushing, ended up being 10 mins late and he was waiting outside!! Of course after embracing until a CO yelled "Farris - take it home already!" (nothing but window visits for the 11 mths he was incarcerated), we headed for Starbucks (his addiction - I think comparable to the $ of drugs!!) for a GOOD cup of coffee. Then to Taco Bell where I've never seen him eat so much! Home and a shower by himself - I think he waited until the hot water ran out. He couldn't wait to put his slippers on and open his Christmas gifts - which one was his own office ( I spent the 11 mths creating for him, he starts going back to college for his Masters next week), his fav cologne (which I would stiff almost everyday!), and some new clothes. We were both pretty exhausted, but still managed to get a little romance in! I cried during sex - actually cried, begging him never to leave me again.

He had a great 1st week, talking to family and friends on the phone (our family live in Ca - we're in VA), went to his old AA meetings and they were so happy to see him. Saw his probation officer the day he got home, wanted to get it over with. He's very nice (so far!). They did his drug test last week - clean bill of urine! He did pop in to the house one that first week, just to make sure Kevin actually lived here, I invited him in for coffee, but he was too busy, stayed at the door. I thought he'd want to come in and see the place - but with 133 clients (law says he's sposed to have no more than 60), I understand.

He was offerred a pt job on Easter Sunday from a man at church! The first 2 weeks were great, then the hours really slacked off - he really hasn't needed him in over a month. He has put in over 30 applications for pt work (going to school full time) - not one interview. I'm really wondering if he should mark the "have you ever been convicted of a felony" - "NO". I know it would catch up with him tho. It makes me sad, him applying at Walmart, the grocery stores, Kmart, etc. He's a college graduate who is a brilliant cild counselor - unfortunately, with a felony he can no longer do so. We live in a rural area and the jobs are tough to come by. Our plan his for him to finish school here, he's already got a job offer in Ca (as an asst pastor) - his degree is in Theolgy with a minor in counseling. So, hopefully we'll be heading home to Ca in 2 yrs or so (we've been in VA since I was medically retired from the Army in 99 and he got a counseling job here). He's had NO ASSISTANCE in finding employment from anyone - including his PO. You'd think with so many people on probation in this county that they'd have a workshop or support groups for those coming home or looking for employment, but no such thing. They require you to have full time employment (or full time school, or PT of each) within 30 days. That's so unrealistic for almost anyone, especially a felon. Thank God he already had a school plan, my VA bennies cover it and even pay him a stipend (about as much as a pt job would, I guess) - of course, summer session doesn't start until June 14th - but as long as he was enrolled within 30 days, he was fine. If he didn't have the school set-up, he'd be in trouble - already violating probation from lack of employment in 30 days. It seems that they set you up to fail. If they assisted you in finding employment, who hired felons, had workshops, I think that more people wouldn't violate on this. That's our biggest gripe.

Their expections (other than employment) are fair: No drinking (altho he hasn't had a drink in 15 yrs, recovering alcoholic), drug tests whenever they want, hold employment, stay within all boundaries of the law (he doesn't even drive over the speed limit anymore). So, I can say that they've been fair. I feel sorry for them actually - they are so overworked. They don't even have time to give the darn drug tests! He pays his fines and restitution on time every month - and we're fine. Outside of that, and he can violate. No clue what they would actually press on - but we're not wanting to find out.

I think the lack of assistance in employment has been my biggest gripe about "the system" since he's been home. His PO is very fair, basically expects for Kevin to be a good citizen.

We've been dealing alot with Kevins depression, has had it for as long as I've known him (19 yrs) - but got worse while in jail and even afterwards. Feels worthless, feels that he's the head of the household and can't find a job. I think things will get better once he starts school next week and has a daily purpose and place to go, something to do. He's dealt with guilt, from his charge, anxiety of breaking probation, even tho he's doing everything right - he's terrified of getting a parking ticket and going back to jail. So, a little paranoia.

We're both fully engulfed in prison ministry now, I did it the whole yr he was gone and have gotten a little too emotionally involved. It's really helped him with something to do - staying in touch with friends (he's been able to be approved for both the municipal jail he was in and one of the state facilites.). That was surprising, I thought we'd have to get special permission. He's able to get his pastors ordination (he graduated over 10 yrs ago and just never took the test) - so he's thinking of taking the test so it'll be easier for him to minister inside.

Anyway, this is long, longer than I thought. If you have anymore questions, just PM me and I'd be happy to answer them. God Bless!

Blessings!

Hi, having two penpals who are getting out in the near future, I see that it's a very frightening experience, especially for someone with no support of family on the outside. They seem to panic as the time draws near because they are afraid they won't be able to survive. This has made me think that the system cuts people off from reality and then throws them out into it, with no preparation to survive. Am I wrong to think that our system needs to be more realistic and humane in regards to the outcome of prisoners being released? I know there are a few programs for them out there, but not substantial enough.

Hi Cheena do you still want info about this topic? I know when my husband came home almost 4 months ago he was quite anxious at first. He didn't want to do anything without me there! He was really stressed when we went for job interviews, he had no skills whatsoever in this department and the first few times told the interviewers right off the bat that he'd just gotten out of prison. Not that you don't need to be honest but he had no idea of how to present this information tactfully and so that it wouldn't frighten everyone away from hiring him. Also it didn't help that he had no work history since 1989! He was released after 14 years with no marketable job skills and no work history so as you can imagine it was nearly impossible for him to find a job at all. He mentioned a friend of his who had gotten out a short time before he did and had already re-offended and was back in. This guy had gone to stay with a sister but after several weeks of him living off of her and making no contributions financially she asked him to leave. So he just gave up, went out and held somebody up and got arrested. My husband mentioned this frequently when he was first released and said he could truly understand how this could happen. He kept saying, "I didn't know it was going to be this hard to get started again". If they don't have some sort of support person who is going to be there for them no matter how hard it is I don't think they have much of a chance of making it! I mean we went to job interview after job interview and he just kept getting rejected. By the way, he finally found something! He has to work so hard but at least it's a job! So those are a few of my thoughts, I'll be glad to answer any questions you may have about this.

Marci, AGAIN, I have to say, your story is inspiring, both you and your husband...
keep in touch...

I have 6-10 months to go and I am terrified I will not be able to do this with him. I am a person who expects great things from myself and as my mother says the rest of the world cannot live to my high standards, even if I ahve the same high standards fro myself. I am terrified I will push him away with these problems I have. I need to learn to treat him like a man, but be realistic. There is such a fine line between supporting them so much they feel pressure to do better and not supporting them enough so that they feel you don't care. How do you judge that?

I appreciate this thread so very much, and I will be sure to post here once Joe is home, in 12 days! :) Thanks!

Thank you all again for such a great thread. I am taking in all of the things i've learned here in PTO and in 31 days will be sure to post to this thread. thank you!!!!

I've been reading this thread for a while now in anticipation of my friend getting out. It's been really helpful. I didn't have any idea what to expect or what to do. I had quite a bit of anxiety about it. But she's been out for several weeks and it's going great. So thank you all!

My guy is due out sometime next 2007,late spring,early fall. MY intentions for his transition back into society are simple. I give" him" "his" space,"his" bath,"his" favorite meal,"his" time to sort things out. I will call this "his" time. He knows what he needs to do and I trust ;him completely. Gently.

lovin my Jeff

lizzie,thats Great! Cause He's The One Who Knows Excatly What It's Gonna Take With Us Standing By Their Sides,especially When They Get Home! Thanks For Sharing Everyone It Gives The Rest Of Us Who Are Getting Ready More Of An Ideal Of What To Expect

Thank you for this. My husband just found out that he will be paroled just waiting on the day. His parole hearing was on 4/18/07. He has been in three years, done R.S.A.T., parenting class, substance abuse counseling and now building trades with lots of mathematics being involved. We have talked extensively about him returning home and he told me the first thing he wants to do is go to the parole office if possible and go to an A>A. meeting. He said he will be scared and cry alot, because of the isolation. I beleive if we keep reminding each other that we could lose this being together again if do not work on it. We have family meetings currently with myself and our two daughters. I will have family counseling set up also, for all of us to attend not just him. We have to work together and not just want for ourselves to make it work. I give mucho Kudos to all the wives and girlgfriends because you have stood by his side, now you get a chance to work together, can it be done. Do not give up faith and hope and believe God put you together for a reason, it would be wonderful to find out why? If, you do not have that in your life maybe it is time to reconsider. We may have less people going to prison if we have God in our lives truly and work together on that. I want to suggest one person to maybe just watch one Sunday morning especially moms, and that would be Joel Osteen at Sunday mornings at 7:30 central time on channel 4 or it may be 7 on regular tv I do not have cable. His new book just out called" Your Best Life Now for MOMS". The one book that got me through alot of tough times, "Your Best Life Now" and the daily journal, so helped with all the stuff I had to fix in me, so I could be prepared when my husband comes home from prison. Men do not talk about their feelings and especially true for while they are imprisoned, so they have alot of pent up stuff that turns to anger caused by hurt and fear. I only hope and pray the world does not become a prison we have started to build around ourselves...........................

Can someone just released from prison move out of state? Any info you have is much appreciated.

This post has gotten me crying. My brother is scheduled for release Sept 2008 but could get out as early as this December. How does he feel? SCARED and WORRIED. He has great family support but worries about getting a job and day to day activities. He has such a structured life right now that the freedom scares him. When my mom and I go to visit we stay all day and he says that messes up his routine. He is worried about how to act around the family. Our mom told him to walk into the house like he had seen everyone yesterday. I'm scarred that he is all talk right now. We are planning on getting a place together but I worry that he won't want to follow the rules and will go back to his old ways. He is 27 and has been in prison for 6 years. I keep positive and am willing to work with him. While he has been in prison he has gotten his GED, a very big step for him.

my son was paroled on tuesday evening without warning and a week early. i was excited beyond belief. i have taken him and his fiance in until they get jobs and an apt. she came here from nevada i am in california. they have no car so i drive them everywhere. i am not rich and cannot afford to go everywhere they want to go all the time. should i just stick to whatever they have to do with parole meetings and finding a job. they never offer any help with anything and i know the girlfriend came here with money. i will do all i can but don't want to enable and let them think they can stay forever. i am not a selfish person but it seems like they are very self absorbed. i have 2 other kids in the house 19 and 16. my son who was paroled is 35. all i do is taxi and cook...lol i wish they would help a little. am i being selfish????

rosebud

I'm glad I found this thread. My husband gets out in 24 days after 18 months. I'm so grateful that it wasn’t longer. The last 8 months, he's been in fire camp and close to home. I've been able to visit him every weekend in a picnic type setting on Saturdays and Sundays. That has been a godsend in terms of reconnecting. I don't know how people do it when they straight parole from a prison facility after so long. My heart goes out to all of you. Even though I am not the worst scenario of trauma, I still worry and am glad to read what all of you have to say. I really liked the idea somebody had of using volunteering to get acclimated to the work force. It serves multiple purposes including pleasing a PO, beefing the resume and patching up a work history hole. It's a good idea, thanks. Also, I've been putting off shopping for his toiletries and clothing, thinking he would appreciate going with me. Now I don't think that's such a good idea, he might not be able to buy anything when faced with too many choices. I think I'll just go buy it myself beforehand so he doesn't go without and become frustrated.

Anyway, thanks for posting. I hope we can keep this post alive. For so long I was posting things I had learned about prison that I forgot to check for things I had not yet learned! Love, Terrie...

:confused: My man is coming home soon. I have some concerns. I work for DOC and i am afraid that he will not comply with all he is suppossed to do. It is easy for someone getting released to comply. I don't think that some people see it that way. All they have to do is stay clean and report when told. Also it is important for him to have support. My concern is if he does mess up how is that going to make me look. What should i do? I am so confused torn by two worlds. I think that he is more important than my job, but if he loves me he should do everything he is told. Am i asking to much.

Thank you all for posting your stories and concerns...Rosebud54- I was wondering how it was going for you all. In your post you were asking for some help from you son and his gal. You had written that he just got out and you were not getting any help. Please understand this will take sometime. He will need to ajust on many of things. Does his gal have a driver license? This has been sometime ago since you posted, but now maybe she knows her way around the state and community so hopefully she is helping with the driving. Sometimes when a women moves into a boyfriends mother home she feels out of place and dosnt want to get in the way. This is hard for everyone. Let her know that you would love her help on doing some of the house chores and cooking or what ever she and you are comfortable with. Hopefully they have found a job by now and things are getting better. Good for you on helping them out... Let us know how it is going if you get time. Would like to hear how everyone is doing no matter what. It helps us all out and what we will be facing.. Thanks to everyone for sharing with us..