I'M SORRY BUT I JUST WAS WOUNDERING HOW YOU CAN BE WITH SOMEONE IF YOU KNOW HE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO COME HOME TO YOU?

This isn't a stupid question at all. It's not an easy question to answer, though. There are probably almost as many answers as there are people doing the waiting.

For some, it's being faithful to wedding vows because of the strong conviction that divorce is not an option.

For some who might just be starting out, it's the hope that maybe an appeal will be won so that their loved one will actually come home at some point.

Some might be determined to wait but at some time into the life sentence, they'll find they can't wait after all and they'll move on with their lives.

In my case, I'm 58 years old, very independent and self-sufficient, and it's not the same for me as it is for others who are a lot younger. For me, it's knowing that I make Fred very happy and he makes me very happy and that's very important to both of us. He's not getting out and we both know it. We enrich each other's lives tremendously and therefore, life is a lot better with him in it than without him in it, so I wouldn't change it. I'll be here for the long haul.

I agree with toi_ama there are alot of different reasons I staying. I'm a few years younger than she but the reason are mainly the same. I love him totally and completly. We complete each other. We are very happy together. Yeah it's very hard at times. But, I can not imgine my life without him in it. But toi_ama said it best when she said "life is alot better with him in it than without him in it, so I wouldn't change it."
I am by his side in good and bad times. Forever his girl.

This was a good question. My Stormy has a life sentence, but he has told me from the first letter I wrote to him THAT HE WILL BE GETTING OUT SOMEDAY! He has paperwork in the courts right now waiting to hear if they will allow him to submit his DNA. I havent been up to see him in awhile, and just yesterday I got a letter from him asking me what was going on outhere with me and where he stood in my life. It was a very hard letter for me to read. I wasnt able to go up because my car was broke down. He wanted me to ride with this Lady I know who goes up to the same prison to see her husband. But I was so depressed, I didnt want to call her and ride up with her, so I just stayed home. It is not a easy rode, and it is not for everyone. Also he asked me to please come up this weekend so we could talk about what is happening with US! Hell, I cant even answer that question myself, so how Can I tell Him? I just dont know right now.

(((moderator/member moment))..

I'm glad the ladies here took that question in the spirit in which it was intended. It wasn't a stupid question (as the title suggested).. it was a question posed by someone who was wondering outloud. Someone who might have just plain curiosity.

As the moderator here I'd like to mention that part of the purpose here is to give supporters of Lifers a place to share. They will share among themselves and in this forum. They certainly can and do entertain questions and comments and curiosity by folks that aren't in their position...but...

The assumption is that they are staying, or struggling, or in it for the long haul. If they are questioning themselves, amongst themselves it would be a different kind of informative..

With all due respect to the original poster here, the idea of opening this forum was to provide a sanctuary for folks with a particular set of problems and concerns and history. I think that part of maintaing that sanctuary is to avoid having an abundance of 'justify your existence' threads.

Assume these people exist. Assume that they are extraordinary. Assume that they are ordinary people in extraordinary circumstances --compared to some others-.

Unlike other regional forums or catch-all forums, this one (and the 2 others I can think of) were opened for folks who are concerned with inmates in particularly extraordinary situations. That would in some respects make anyone else dropping by 'a guest'...A guest in the forum if they are not involved with someone in that position.

I hope that people do drop by and contribute to this forum, I hope that the people for whom it was opened continue to share amongst themselves and with others who read or post here. I hope, too, that this will be the one thread that will cover this particular rhetorical question.


The intro/mission statement link for this Forum is below..
If you've just found this thread (in years to come).. it's worth a read.

http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=25264

--thank you, Ladies... all.

there is never a stupid question :)

I admire those that do stand by their men with this kind of sentence. God bless you

I can only agree with lulu, I really admire people who stand by their loved one in every circumstances. I respect people who know value of love and friendship even separated with the wall...

I hope all the best for you.

I can't imagine doing anything else than standing by my Ralf. I do hope that someday he will be free, but if he isn't that doesn't make me love him any less. Granted this is not the way I would choose to live my marriage but it is what life has delt me right now. Ralf and I love each other and that is all that matters. In some ways our marriage has become even stronger since he's been behind bars.

I love Gary with all my heart and I could never imagine life without him in it. He is the one person who gives to me what I need and have always looked for.

I now know that Tony will someday be free but I didn't know that when I forst got to know hm and he was on Death Row.

I fell in love with a very remarkable man. Someone, no matter what his circumstances, has never allowed himself to be bitter or angry. I admire him, love him and cannot imagine life without him, as others here have said of their men. Yes, it's hard sometimes, especially as we are so far apart, but I'm sure I see more of him than a lot of others do their loved ones.

I will always be here for him and look forward to his being free, no matter how long that takes.

Rose

Originally posted by Rostonhall
I now know that Tony will someday be free but I didn't know that when I forst got to know hm and he was on Death Row.

I fell in love with a very remarkable man. Someone, no matter what his circumstances, has never allowed himself to be bitter or angry. I admire him, love him and cannot imagine life without him, as others here have said of their men. Yes, it's hard sometimes, especially as we are so far apart, but I'm sure I see more of him than a lot of others do their loved ones.

I will always be here for him and look forward to his being free, no matter how long that takes.

Rose

My man was on death row for 26 years and I've been with him for 9 years now, he is just about to start a sentence of life without parole. We have come a long way together through good and bad, yet still end up back together again. Although we are miles apart, life without him is unreal to me so I'm in for the long haul and we continue to be positive.

Hello everyone.. my love of my life has been in institutions unfortunately most of his life it is by "GRACE" I have not . myself.. because i could of.
Brian and I are one.. we have lknown each other over 20years.. i can not imagine LIFE with out him.. i bring in hope and positive for a chance of parole.. however .. i know and realize in this state LWOP usually means LWOP.. so i am here today.. i go for a visit.. he makes my day and i his.. i am so grateful for a thread . on this I NEEDED THIS.. no one in my immediate understands.. as much as they love me/ and me them.. they DO NOT UNDERSTAND..

Peace and love
Donna

I have a comment to the moderator. Were you implying anyone who does count as a "guest" in these forums shouldnt say anything? I was wondering because i wasnt quite sure how to read that. I read alot on PTO because i cant believe how strong these women are. I Also dont see anything wrong for someone who isnt waiting for anyone with a life sentence to have posted this question. Like you said... its just curiosity. I am only waiting 7 more monhts, but is there something wrong with coming in here and posting? I think no matter where you go in here, your going to find support.
As for the women in here doing life with their men. I think its absolutely amazing. This is why women will always be stronger than men :)

Everyone's participation is vital to this forum and PTO.

This forum is relatively new and it's the first time that someone has asked the 'why do you stay' (despite the sentence) question.

I was just pointing out that there is an answer to that question (you'll note from all the replies)... and that I was hopeful (as the moderator) that it answers the question for anyone who is curious about that subject.

If that sort of question is asked again, it's likely to be merged with this thread. That was the point.

Everyone is certainly welcome to post here. Questions and comments are certainly welcome.

I have a cousin in feds doing life with out, and that alone about killed me.

You guys should be proud of your self. I surly do admire you

I do drop by. I am not in your case ladies but I admire your strength and your courage. May God bless you.

I remember years ago while visiting my husband, I had the pleasure of meeting a wonderful couple, he was serving a life sentence. She never complained and never seemed angry- I often wondered how she did it. Now, years later I find myself in a similar but not the exact same spot. My husband is serving 48 years as a habitual, he is a little over 4 years into it. We have 5 beautiful kids and we visit every weekend and even with him gone, the problems of being on the inside as well as the outside, we are still ok. More importantly I am ok and suprisingly somehow content with it all. I still get sad and lonely but we are still family. God Bless you all and I hope you all have found some inner peace....

Kudos to all of you that are sticking in this for the long haul --- DR or life or a lot of years. You are very admirable to be doing this. I have no idea how many years that Trey will get when he is sentenced in a few weeks, but I will be there regardless.

There have been many times.. i want to QUIT .. ( had tough viist on Friday today is one of them)!!!! after a mis understnding,, and arguement what it always gets down to is this.. we both feel very powerless at times. IT is hard facing life he may never come home, i need to deal with things by myself .. he trys to help .. but i have my own STUBBORN mind.. and have been going solo.. it's hard.. sometimes i feel he is very insensitive..!! and i get angry.. but then i try to think about his situation.. it's hard.. no doubt.. but i love him, and i plan to be as suportive as i can, i trynot to think of his sentence. Our relationship may strengthor fall apart.. i do not know.. all i have is today

Peace
Donna

We talked about this at length before we got married but at the end of the day we love each other so much, being husband and wife was so important to us. If I spent every day from now to eternity on my own I would stay with Kenny. The love we share means more to us than any 'easier' alternative. I could never imagine my life without him.

Anne

I never expected to be in this position!:eek: And it was much easier just to be a friend to one w/LWOP,but Bryan and I grew to love one another and I can't imagine my life w/out him and he has said meeting me was the best thing that ever happened to him.If you LOVE someone w/all you are and your commited it can work pretty easily. I haven't seen Bryan in 4 months but am content as ever and very secure in US. We look forward to a "someday" together but I will be there no matter what,its like if he were in a wheel chair,or sick its just another hurdle to work around:D

I could NEVER be with anyone on DR....knowing that they may be put to death some day. I never meant to fall for randy....But everyone that knos his story knows that he has a %95 better chance of getting less time or getting out than most people! I'm keeping my fingers crossed

Thanks so much life2thesequel...you took the words right out of my mouth. That no one needs to justify anything. SO I am not going to justify why I am with and married to my husband who is on D/R. I will just say this...I am with him for the reason anyone else is with their boyfriend or husband. We are very much in love and want to spend our lives together. And he WILL come home to me one day, despite what anyone else might think.
Celene

RandysBlondie20, there was no need for u to get so nasty and if u didn't want to justify or whatever u shouldn't of left a post- this wasn't meant for mean responses i was just curious why women are with lifers i didn't want anyone to leave such nasty responses- if u didn't like it u shouldn't of left anything that is just my opinion!!

Mattswife, I was not directing my comments at you and my post was not at all nasty, believe me. You are the one asking questions that might be sensitive to some people. I have the right to post wherever I want to. If you can't take the heat...

I wasn't going to post on here but what the heck? Because many some members would never marry on someone on DR, well don't hate. And I don't mean you Mattswife. What if you are already married and then they go to DR? Well that would be when someone would need you the most! And if you are willing to marry someone on DR 1. That is your business and God's. 2. You are VERY unselfish to give of your life like that. 3. Not ALL people on DR will be executed. 4. Not all people on DR or prison for that matter are guilty. 5. Some are guilty and NEVER go to DR. 6. Some are guilty and escape "justice" altogether. I could go on and on. But I will say this. I was with my husband BEFORE he went to prison. I would NEVER leave him now that he has gone onto prison. I am not that selfish or coldblooded. I love him more than anyone in this world besides our kids. I remember how I have been treated by men in the free world. And it wasn't good.

A funny thing happened on the way through this thread...

A little diversion from the topic, and perhaps just a different aspect of it.

In regards to the diversion off topic:

Agree, disagree, give some input, and forgodsake be able to explain your position if that helps. Do not take the opportunity to characterize someone else's reply as 'nasty'.

Descending to personalities is not called for nor appropriate. Any further sideways barbs at or between posters will be removed from this thread.

I'd like to thank Rosita for her moment of clarity.

I'd like to point out that anyone who is a supporter of someone on the Row certainly has a valid opinion on this subject and should be accorded some respect for sharing with us here.

I'd also point out that not everyone has the luxury of being able to say that they'd 'never' be involved with someone in this position or that within the system.

My heart goes out to LIFERS and there love ones all prisoner but espicially LIFERS all I can say is keep your heads up and know that things will get better.

And to the ones standing by there man brother, uncle whoever you have my upmost respect cause it takes a very and I do mean very STRONG person to deal with a situation
like this.

Kandee you took the words right oout of my mouth!! Any woman that stands by there man , i have the utmost respect for.. It is a very long hard, rocky road !! But they (DR/lifers) are humans too and they need us more then anything. When my man was sentenced, he actually told me he didnt want me to do his time with him cause he didnt want to hold me or our son back!! But here I am still by his side and will be till he walks out those gates to me. There is plenty of times where I question why I am with him, what the hell I am doing (being25andwaiting till i am 34 for him), and how I could possibly be with him , but only one answer comes to me..... I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART!!!

And Mattswife- it is not a stupid question. Although I know how you feel when you think you have a stupid question. There is plenty of days I question everything, our future.

We struggle on a daily basis with the everyday bullshit of dealing with this life sentence. He only being 23 yers old and serving a life sentence, to programming not available for him. To him not being here for our son or me. It is a long tough road and I do not wish this upon my worst enemy.

I wish you luck on your journey!!

Remeber you cant reason with your heart !!! Love is a strong bond and nothing can break not even DR or LIFE !!!


Just my 2cents,
Take care,
Jill

P.S. I know this is late but I am new here and just checking all the posts out !!!

THANK YOU Kandee and Jill. It's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And I have had a tough life. I tell my husband everything I have been through was a dress rehersal for this part of my life. God was getting me tough for the rest of my life. But his life was harder than mine. And he is my spouse. I am pledged to him for all my life. Regardless... Thanks!

You know I know that they have it hard in there but recently my man said that I had a much harder life then he did cause I am the one with the day to day struggle to keep a roof over our sons head and food in his stomach!!! It is hard on both ends and you really have to work together to get through this! I know there is plenty of days that I feel like giving up but I cant! I love him and I will see him walk out those gates one of these days!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for putting my feelings about this question into words toi_ama(?). I'm about 10 years younger than you, but I'm at that stage in my life too, where the important thing is the love, the feelings. We bring each other happiness, and I can't imagine my life without him in it. So I too am better off with him than without him. Plus, hope (that he'll get out someday) springs eternal. He's brought his children into my life, and they are the kids I can never have, with or without him. So I'm grateful.

Thanks for sharing.

Well, I'm not going through life, but always wanted to ask that question. I just never had the courage. Reading all the replies from you ladies changes my whole thought about it. I think is wonderful to for them to have someone who supports 100% like you ladies do. Now people could see that love/relationships are not all about sex. All I could say is stay strong and that may god bless you all.

GOOD LUCK TO ALL AND NEVER GIVE UP HOPE.

u ladies have the most amazing hearts and i commend u on that!! i love my angel more than anything. he makes me happier than anyone ever could or will, but he is serving only 4 years. a lot different from u guys or ur situations. i respect u all so much because of that! wonderful ladies and a great thread. :D

I love Kendall with all of my heart and can't imagine my life without him.We don't know when he is going to come home, but I pray every day,and I know that someday, He will.
He is my best friend as well as my husband, I will be beside him forever.

It feels gd 2 see that there are others out there that feel the same way for their mate as i do for mine somedays. I ask myself can i do this for the next 9 years. and after I searched my heart i've found that if i didn't ask myself these question then i wouldn't be true to myself. I also no that i would not change a single thing and everyday i get one day closer to holding my baby in my arms without the gates, bars, co's and rules and that is what keeps me smiling. I go on with making plans like my daddy will be home tomorrow. So to all my fellow longtimer keep ur head up

Well I Am Involved With A Guy Who Was Served 17 Years To Life. I Met Him While He Was In Prison And Intended On Just Being Pen Pals With Him. When I Visited Him More And More I Noticed Feelings That I Had For Him. That Was 6 Years Ago. We've Broke Apart And I Got Into Other Relationships, Had A Baby, Etc., But I Always Kept In Touch With Him And Wondered How He Was. We Are A Couple Again Now. And To Answer Your Question I Stay With Him Because I Love Him. There Is A Possibility That One Day He May Come Home And If He Does That Would Be A Lovely Thing. But I Stay Mainly Because I Love Him So Much. We're The Best Of Friends, We Can Talk About Anything. He Knows My Mind And My Heart And I Know His. We Learn From Eachother, And I Just Love The Feeling I Get When I Am With Him. A Lot Of People Think I Am Wasting My Time, But I Dont. I Still Enjoy My Life And Do What I Gotta Do. I Am A Good Mother, And I Have A Lot Of Goals. I Still Enjoy My Life With Friends, Etc. Knowing That I Make A Difference In His Life Makes Me Happy Too. So Thats Why I Stay. And Your Question Is Not Dumb, Im Glad You Asked Because It Gave Me A Chance To See What Others Had To Say.

Hello everyone I am what I call an outside lifer...My heart ever since i was 16 is serving a life sentence he has a better chance than most to be paroled. He has been in for 17 years. He is the most caring,understanding,loving man that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Do i feel like justifing my actions no. I am more than willing to explain how I came to my decision to stay with him,yes. That would be when he needed me the most how do I turn my back on him, when you are needed your love grows stronger and that is in any relationship.We outside lifers if I may speak for us, these wonderful men are our hearts... How do you live without your heart?????????? If they give us more satisfaction in life than any man on the outside could? What is it saying about them... Through good times and bad!!!!!!!! God Bless each and everyone one of us!!!!!!!

I think it is important that those of us who have chosen to stay with or begin a relationship with lifers not feel that we have to explain ourselves as if it is a stupid move on our part to do so. I did not get that feeling from this thread though. If someone has an honest question I will always answer as honestly as I can . I have nothing to hide nor am I ashamed of my lifes choices. Some have asked me the same question but in a way that I felt the question was meant more to belittle me than an actual attempt to learn something.

to love is to love them without judgement.

love is not like a lightswitch that can be turned on and off has you see fit.

it takes one hell of a women to stand by a man who will probally never see freedom.

for some it comes so easy and for some its a struggle but no matter what the case may be.

let life bring you the strength that you need...

Reading this thread puts my own, everyday life and marriage into perspective...my husband just came home about a week and a half ago and when I find myself stressed over finances, etc...I really thank god that he is there for me to struggle with and I have so much compassion for all of you who are so dedicated and in love with your loved ones...It really impresses me, your hearts ability to maintain your relationship and the strength that it must take is truly awesome...

SIMPLY TATED BUT WELL SAID i a

SIMPLY TATED BUT WELL SAID i a

Well said CLEE. That was very inspiring and I will quote this to Johnny next time I write to him. Thankyou for your inspiration,

Cathy

Very easily. I don't live and wait for him to come home. I appreciate what we have now: our talks, our letters , our visits. Maybe if I was 20 years old I couldn't do this but I am in mid life, happy with my life and the things I have, independent. I don't think future, I think now.

hello everyone my loved one is in husband is doing life and and i was reading the question how can you be with some one that's never going to come to you? easy love it makes you do crazy things the real question is how do you turn your back on the person you love. my husband is doing life and he means the world to me we are both young and been with each other since we were 16 years old we are now 26 years old 4 of those years he has been in prison it's hard but i can't see myself with out him yeah dont get me wrong i still have my life. i go out to clubs with my friends and do normal things my heart just belongs to a man in prison it's unconditional love he's my better half my family. just like i could never turn my back on my kids i can't turn my back on my husband we are one my best friend my everything and i will be by his side untill the wheels fall off. this horrible experience helped me become a stronger person. hopefully by the grace of god his appeal will go threw and well be able to be a family again.i'll even settle for the family visits i believe they at lease deserve them. all these rules and budget cuts are getting out of hand but all we can do is hope and pray and never lose hope. to ever one who has a lifer as a husband i wish you nothing but the best of luck in your future good luck and god bless

LIL MANDO AND MELISSA
YAYA AND LIL MANDO

My husband is doing 27 to life. We have been married 11 wonderful years. The best 11 years of my life. He is my best friend, he is kind, loving and supportive. I wouldn't change
a thing except to have him home. He has been down 22 yrs.
I am with him cause I love him. He has never sugar coated anything, and when were talking marriage he said he would understand if I couldn't hang. I will always be by his
side. I wouldn't have it any other way.
I know he will be home someday.

MC/ JC forever


side.

ya'lls are all awesome!! i couldn't wait as long as some of you! i waited 5 and it almost killed me!! i don't ever want to do anything like that again! thanks for sharing your words!

(((moderator/member moment))..

...but...

The assumption is that they are staying, or struggling, or in it for the long haul. If they are questioning themselves, amongst themselves it would be a different kind of informative..

With all due respect to the original poster here, the idea of opening this forum was to provide a sanctuary for folks with a particular set of problems and concerns and history. I think that part of maintaing that sanctuary is to avoid having an abundance of 'justify your existence' threads.

Assume these people exist. Assume that they are extraordinary. Assume that they are ordinary people in extraordinary circumstances --compared to some others-.


Personally I am not involved with a lifer, however I can see the point in staying I really do. However I think that sometimes to me in some circumstances having to justify why you are doing it can make it that much more worth it!!!! I can ask myself at any point in time why I love my husband, and it makes me love him that much more. It reminds me of all the reasons I fell in love in the first place. I am not trying to say that questioning it does not sometimes bring up reasons that could bring anyone down. However with the support and wisdome of all the people here at PTO I don't think there is much allowance for down time. I have seen how quick everyone is to help, and offer a sholder when needes. All of you are great people!!!!!!! I really admire what you stand for and for standing by your man despite what others "think" should or shouldn't happen. My hat is off to all of you!!!!!!!!! A standing round of applause!!!!!! It is people like you guys who inspire me to keep on keeping on!!!!!

Sorry if this was not the proper place to say any of this, but I felt like I had to say it.

Its Not A Stupid Question At All. I Can Only Speak 4 Myself. I've Known My Husband Since I Was About 8 Or 9 Yrs Old. Im 30 Now. The Feelin' I Had Then Just Got Stronger As Time Passed. It Is What It Is!!! Im Here Because I Dont Wanna Be No Place Else.

Would U Leave If U Knew That Ur Half Was Innocent But Got 20 To Life??????

Peace

To all who think this is a dumb question i think if most of us-lifers GF or wifes are at one point real honest with ourself weve asked ourself the same question....I can only speak for myself and my husband is doing a 15-life+1 year term, he caught his case in 97-i met him in 99-and married him in 2005, he is a first timer, never been to prison until this case........a lot of these men are wonderful men they just made a bad choice....doesnt mean their bad people, they have needs just like we do, the only difference is most of them when they go to prison they become out of sight out of mind, and to all you LADIES who stick by thier lifers that is the most emotional and hardest commitment one can make......So you all stay strong, have faith that one day you will be able to lay next to your mane again....................

A LIFERS WIFE
TORY DOYLE

As long as you never give up hope that your lifer may come home someday, there is always something to look forward to. John and I have a relationship that is very deep and strong, and even if worst case he doesn't come home, he doesn't deserve to be alone the rest of his life.

I am late to this thread and I see it is alittle old.

I am no longer with alifer but when I was it made no difference to me if he came home or not. We lived in TODAY not tomorrow. I accepted where he was (although I never liked it) and had a relationship based on what I was able to give and receive at the moment.

I really didn't need a man around...I am self sufficient.

WoW!
Wonderful responses!
Well, I have got to say that I love my husband unconditionally and I married him knowing that he may never get out because he's very special and I doubt that I could ever find anyone like him on the outside. When you find someone that special, you just have to hold on to them. I'm truly blessed that I have him.
I had a visit with him today and told him that I never felt the way about any man as I do him, which is true. Of course I loved before but not as deeply as I do him and receive the way I give it, if you know what I mean.
When you share a love like the one these ladies express for their men, you know that it's a TRUE love and an unconditional.
Now I know the feeling of TRULY being loved.

It really isnt a stupid question, alot wonder the same thing. I guess one of the main reasons me and my husband are doing so well, is because I dont look at him as a " lifer " he is Ray. My husband. I dont title him anything but my baby. The answer is quite common and my answer is always the same and quite simple. " Because he is who he is " how can I not love him ?????????????

I would like to express my opinion. I am 24 soon to be 25 as of Feb 6th. I have 3 children from a previous marriage and I am working my butt off as it is now. Its not easy. I think I had a heck of time trying to reason with myself when I finally realized that I had infact feelings for Tommy. A man that is doing 18 to life and could never get out. Yes, when I met him thru a pen pal web site for prisoners and found out from get go I chose to still persue the friendship accepting whatever in the near future that it might entail. I still have the best of the best in my ear and questioning and trying to logically get me to see that its not going to be the ideal relationship and how I will grow differently as years go by. Let it be known that I didn't go into this 16 months ago looking for anything. Love found its way in my heart. Sunday was my first visit ever with Tommy and He asked me to look into his eyes and tell him that "no matter what happens...hole...etc I will stay with him". I agreed and did it. It came natural to do so cause he is ME in every way. THis is not something that when I was lil of course I would envision and maybe to alot of ppl its not the ideal relationship but what I get out of it is something I've never known in my life. THe bond, connection, dedication, and love is unlike no other. If I should feel different after 15 yrs or anytime rather I will deal with that bridge when I come to it. I enjoy my man and my relationship cause it has taught me to open up my mind to things I would always be so "narrow" minded about. Hes helped me grow into something awesome. Love conquers all. Remember love has a diff definition to everyone and just cause some ppl CAN hang thru years and years doesn't mean the next person can. I know I can and Im willing...........I love TOmmy with all my heart and always will.

~Bella~

Glad to see this ol' thread revived... Pumkinbrat, if you're still around I hope you'll join us here in the lifer lane! :)

I am with Mia on this. I knew my guy was going to do life when I met him.... we grew close... And if he never comes home, it doesn't stop stop my affection for him.

I don't "wait" for him to come home, or wait for an appeal (which he gave up when he took a plea) -- listen, I ain't knockin' it when you keep that hope of coming home alive -- but the way I see it, he is someone I love, who is in my life whether he ever leaves that place or not.

Sure, living our whole relationship in the visiting room sucks -- but I tried not having him in my life and that was way worse...

Like our beloved Penwife says -- rather be with him in his world than be without him in mine.

It's called hope....Holding onto hope with both hands. Yes Ronnie has life. But in my heart I know he will come home one day. I don't think I could go through LIFE, without him, as someone else said. The letters, phone calls, and visits. That is OUR time. I just keep holding onto that. God has a purpose in life for both him and I, and I believe is it much greater that the obstacle that has been thrown in front of us. Our love has only gotten stronger as each day passes. He is my rock, as I am his. And I will never give up on him.

its called love

I know this is an old thread but i had to post here. My answer to this question is all the answers before me put together. Little bit here, little bit there. The only thing i would like 2 add is that for me having a relationship where there's no intimate contact with the love of my life (MWI) to begin with and since the things we all do the most is talk on the phone and write letters, i got to really know the deepest part of his heart. I am convinced people find it easier to express their thoughts and feelings thru letters and phone calls and are willing to open themselves more allowing the other person to see the real them. It has been wonderful and a great experience to know a man from the inside out first, unlike the ones i knew before him. You get to know their souls in depth and that does it for me. Of course, it doesn't bother me a bit that he's sooo handsome. :D

I take what I can get.:D

My lifer is everything I've ever put on a list of what I'm looking for in a man. (I knew I should have added, "not in prison for life" on the bottom of that list.;) )

He brings happiness and peace to my life, and my heart is 100% sure that I'm ready to hold his hand while we step over or walk around or crawl under whatever hurdles life throws at us.

It's not very complicated. I love the man so I work with the package deal.

The answer to the question is: love and faith and hope..
my lifer has life with possibility of parole, so until we die there is always hope... even with a lifer without possibility.. there is always hope in new laws, new rules, new decisions..
The main reason is love... ;)

Mine hasn't been sentenced YET. But he's looking at a life sentence w/o parole at best, worst is Death Sentence.
But I believe there HAS to be hope!.....It's NOT over, even when all may seem lost....
Yeah, my answer is HOPE!

What do you do when you love someone with this kind of sentence, walk away, forget about them. Been there, tried that, even though we were separated for 27 years, the love that started out, blazed forth and would not be stopped, despite those fences, despite the sentence, the love remained.

What I find so ironic in these lifers, is that for most of us, instead of someone who has put their hearts and feelings on ice, they are so much more in touch with who they really are. Much more so than most people I've met out here. The people who walk the walk with them are for the most part, the most compassionate caring people I've ever met. They are strong thru storms that would break most people.

I know that I've learned more thru being with him, he's taught me tolerance and is trying to teach me patience, something I'm in very short supply of, lol....most of all, he's given me himself, unvarnished, flawed, with a heart that shines forth in spite of where he is. How could I not love him and stand by him.

im a lifer for life

hello

good questions and answers

I freaked out for a couple of weeks and didn't write to my baby. Let's just say life got in the way - I'm a teacher and was on a two week school trip - i couldn't get the 'headspace' to sit down and write. I have never missed him so bad since this 'letter drought' happened. I felt like I'd abandoned him and vice versa. In a way it was a learning curve for me. Now I know that without writing, we will never feel right. I miss him so much like a desert needs the rain.

I forgot to mention that we are looking at 2xLWOP + 50 flat. I get up every day with my glass half empty and half full all at the same time. I love that man. Peace out.:thumbsup:

Rhonda!! Welcome to the lifer forum!! I understand the feeling of isolation when I don't hear from my hubby. We don't write to each other because we live in the same town, but if I miss his phone calls I feel terrible. I have to stay connected to him to feel like I am on track with life!!!

qwerty! You have cut back on those visits!! Is there any reason why? Perhaps you've met someone?? I am so nosy!!!!

LOL!
Ann

You Cant Pick And Choose Who You Love. I Never Went To Work Everyday Thinking Well Imma Look For A Man Who Has Life In Prison To Fall In Love With. It Doesnt Happen That Way. I Fell In Love With My Fiance For The Man That He Is. Which Is A Strong Brave Man Who Just So Happens To Have Life In Prison. But I Will Never Give Up Hope That He Will One Day Be Home With Me. He Is In Prison For A Crime That He Did Not Commit. So Does He Not Deserve To Be Loved Because He Has Life In Prison?

I realize this is an old thread but it is a good one....I stay with my lifer because first i love him and second this is exactly where i am supposed to be at this time in my life. For the first time i found someone who understands my needs and i understand his. We spent a great deal of our relationship as just friends without visits and just as pen pals and monthly phone calls. Now if i dont get a call once a week i am lost and i get about 3 letters a week. I visit about once every 90 days(we are in different states). We know that someday he will come home but we just dont know when. I can only speak for myself and no one else, but this is not an easy road and anyone that agrees to take it on and stick it out in the long run is a strong willed and strong minded individual. As JKB stated, Most of these people are the most compassionate i have ever met and we tend to stick together... Wives and inmates. We all stick together... that is just how it works for us.
just my two cents....
great thread

Well said i totally agree with what you said msmomof4

LOVE!!

Love, faith, and hope. While my man is doing 18 to life there is still a chance he will be released one day. You can't choose who you fall in love with and because I believe in him and us...I choose to do this time with him while he's in prison or NOT.


Bella

I hang onto hope. He isn't even eligible for parole for a very long time, but a lot can change in that time. And even if he's an old man when he gets out, it will be fine. We can be old together. I've loved him more years than I haven't at this point and I just want us to be able to hold each other whenever we want. There are so many things couples take for granted when they live together or treat like chores. We'd love the opportunity to do those things again. We never took it for granted before and now I'm so glad because those memories are all I have besides hope.

LOVE IS A POWERFUL AND WONDERFUL THING!

My husband is not a lifer (he has 3 more years to go!) but a couple of very dear friends of mine are and I don't want to lose them by walking away. They have shown me what true friendship really is! Awhile back I had some drama in my life and I couldn't write them and I felt very lonely. I know no matter what, they will stand by me and support whatever I do!!

For me, it comes down to an unwillingness to accept second best. To quote the Bee Gees, "If I can't have you, I don't want nobody, baby."

Praise Jesus that LOVE covers a multitude of shortcomings!!!

I will pray for you and your loves

I've only been with my lifer for a few months and it didn't really dawn on me, until two days ago, that he has very little realistic chance of ever being paroled. He did tell me this, in passing, when we were first getting to know each other. But I guess I didn't let it register then. He has a sentence of 25 to life, has been in for 27 years, and has been up for parole 5 times already. Somehow I figured that it was just a matter of time before the parole board would eventually release him because he has kept a fairly clean record for more than a decade. Well, I just read here on PTO that in California, where my honey is, the chances of people with a 25-to-life sentence ever getting out is very slim. And it hit me like a rock.

But I don't feel like I want to change our relationship. I love him. He loves me. We learn so much from each other and help each other in so many ways. Someone on this thread said she and her man take it day by day without a lot of focus on what may come in the future. I think that is what will have to happen for me and honey in order for me to continue and not be overwhelmed by this. Still, I do have hope that he will be released eventually. And I'll be thrilled when that day comes.

Peace,

Resah

I can't NOT be with him. We've been through everything together- hell and back- and I KNOW some how some way he'll be home eventually, even if I didn't believe that with all my heart- he was my first love, he's been the love of my life since I was a smart mouthed little brat with a MASSIVE crush on him. Not budging. :heart:

I don't think it's a stupid question at all. It's not an easy life and I sure as hell wouldn't recommend it, ha. I know if I weren't living it, I'd probably wonder the same thing about someone who was.

i have one word as to why :heart: LOVE :heart:

It's a ruff road, I am a sister to a lifer and a
dear family friend to another lifer. However
looking @ the other end of the spectrum
with friends I have that are with lifers I will
always have love and respect. It is truly a choice
and your mental has to be strong and able to all
the ups and downs that goes with this life.

KIMI06

i have one word as to why :heart: LOVE :heart:


This is my answer too.. simply put.. :heart:

I'M SORRY BUT I JUST WAS WOUNDERING HOW YOU CAN BE WITH SOMEONE IF YOU KNOW HE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO COME HOME TO YOU?

I can be with my friend very easily.....because he IS my friend.

I use to wonder the same thing???? How and why on earth would a woman settle with someone she can never have at home? Here I am doing it.... and cant live life any other way...

My man has the heart to the life I want to live, there is no other... you just know when your ready to commit yourself to the right person regardless of where they are and or for how long they will be away... they are always in your mind and heart... I think our men no longer take "our" lives for granted... we are blessing to each other and unexplainable bonds are formed.

I always thought that I was in love with my man. Nothing he ever did was bad enough to leave him or cheat on him while he was locked up. I can't even read anymore of the responses to the question that was asked..I only read the first few and I am sitting here in tears and amazed because what you are doing, standing by your men like that, is love in the truest form. I hope that someday I find that love. You are amazing strong people and I wish you the best of luck

i know it's difficult just pray

I miss my lifer who is my soul mate. we were never married but share a daughter together. Sometimes it is very hard and lonely but when I hear his voice I just melt. When he first went away 12 yrs ago I was very angry as I caught him red handed 3 days before he was arrested cheating on me and it took me a long time to come to terms with that but the love was still there and is still there today. Everyone of us is different . Some are parents of lifers and some are wives and some are baby's moms like me who each have their own experience.

I'M SORRY BUT I JUST WAS WOUNDERING HOW YOU CAN BE WITH SOMEONE IF YOU KNOW HE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO COME HOME TO YOU?

Because I have faith, and I believe that he will get out sooner. My faith in God and in us keeps me strong to where I can endure all of this.