Am I The Only One?

We were born six days apart in May of 1960. He in the deep South. Me in the Northeast.
He is quiet and reserved. I'm an outgoing chatterbox. He likes sports and i like to read. He likes country music. I like rock. He's been down eighteen years and i was a first termer doing two years when we met at Californias Soledad State Prison and fell in love.
Our story is not so uncommon behind prison walls, but rarely talked about in the free world.
Because we are gay.
I came out of the closet twenty six years ago, at the age of 15, in small town Maine to a hostile and bigoted world. I entered prison with the same attitude i've walked through my whole life with. With my head held high and my fists curled and ready to defend my right to exist.
When confronted by judgement or hostility by inmates or staff, i let it be known that i wasn't in prison for being gay, being gay was not a crime, and therefore i refused to be punished for it.
Then i met him. I'll spare the romantic details but suffice it to say that he protected me , guided me, and loved me, in the world that he has lived and survived in for eighteen years.
When he comes home in two years i will be here to protect, guide, and love him in the world i know. The free world.
When i paroled twenty one months ago i had to leave him behind to do four more years. The second hardest thing i've ever done was going to prison. the hardest was leaving him behind.
Even now, as i have been successfully rebuilding my life. Three years clean from the drugs that ruined my life and put me in prison, I would rather be there with him than out here without him.
You see, we are a minority within a minority. Without visibility, without recognition, without support, without any rights as family members or spouse, by the government, the community, or the standards of law.
Is our love, our loneliness, our loss, any less valid than our heterosexual counterparts?
We think not. We all cry in the same language and heartbreak knows no prejudice.
Yet the state of California, the parole department, and specifically the California Department of Corrections, seem to disagree.
Anyone that has been incarcerated or has a loved one in the system knows all about the inconsistent and petty rules that differ from institution to institution and the bureaucratic red tape involved in even the most minor interaction. The difference is a legal spouse, sibling, parent, or child of an inmate, has recourse and legal recognition of inalienable rights within the system.
We do not. We are invisible. We simply do not exist by the standards of our system. We do not desire, nor expect special consideration. Only equal.
Even a simple application for written correspondence was denied without explanation, forcing me to use fictitious names to send packages and letters.
How do you reason with a system that finds it reasonable for us to share a 6x8 foot cell for two years but are not allowed to write letters?
The parole department has forbidden me to even apply to visit, yet the visiting application forms clearly state that if you are a former inmate, on probation or parole, written permission from your supervising agent must be submitted to the institution warden. Implying that visits CAN be granted to a parolee through the proper channels.
We suspect that even upon my discharge from parole in three months, when i have completed my time in prison and on parole, and by all standards of the law am a free man, we will still be denied the "privilege" of visits. Probably under the guise of the Department of Corrections endless list of vague " threats to institution security" which is always implemented when no reasonable excuse to deny can be cited.
We are sadly aware that a heterosexual couple enjoy a vast array of rights and privileges that we are denied.
We feared when i left our little cell twenty one months ago that we might not see each other again for four and a half years. We hoped and prayed that would not be the case but our prayers have not been answered. Almost half that time has passed now. We have our phone calls and letters. We have our plans and dreams for the future. And we have a powerful friendship and love that transcends a compassionless system, prison walls, and time. We will survive and maybe even live happily ever after.
I have surfed the dozens and dozens of websites for inmates and their families, the prisoner related support groups and legal organizations, searching for a single site focusing on gay inmates or their partners. Not a single one to be found. I know the fear, the helplessness, the loneliness, of having a loved one imprisoned. I know what it's like to be on the other side of the bars also.And my partner and i know that we are even a little less cared about in our sadness.
We are kept apart by a wall of silence and invisibility. There are no laws protecting us. There are not even any laws against us. To create a law against us they would have to acknowledge us and instigate a potential challenge of discrimination. We simply do not exist.
That is the reason for this story.
Our pain, our loss, our love, is not less because we are gay.
I refuse to be insignificant. I refuse to be invisible. I do exist. My partner and lover exists.We want, and wait, and starve for freedom from the nightmare too.
And i suspect we are NOT the only ones.

Ernie Merchant (aka Puppy)
Comments and letters form gays and non-gays alike are welcome. I can be e-mailed at EMerchant@socal.rr.com

Wow! I don't even know what to say! I guess all I really can say is good luck to the both of you and I hope you have all the happiness in the world, even if there are delays around it. You know, we are never given more than we can handle, though it may seem that way at the time. Just keep the faith that all will work out. And keep in mind that this will make the 2 of you all the more stronger...if you can get through this, you can get through anything.

My Best to you and your Loved One! I am very aware of the gay rights isues and agree that feelings do not come in colors or gender, you are both fortunate to have found one another. i am also VERY aware of prisons issues, policy and discrimination. My involvement includes discrimination of religion, I co founded a Buddhist Inmate sangha support group a year ago to assist behind bars Buddhist spiritually who do not have the same rights as others for prayer, fellowship, study etc. that other faiths enjoy. In some priosns it takes a court order to allow these privileges. Our BIS website is on this post. You will hopefully find something on our resource section that may be of help to you, or on the PRUP webring listed there. I stongly suggest wheer there is a need fulfill it! Since you found no Gay/Lesbian sites or forums that address your concerns FOUND one, and begin to invite others. The BIS is now in contact with Buddhist Inmates in 17 States, over 20 prisons and growing, we now have 70 forum members who have united to help these inmates, and our compassionate webmaster is a proud, gay Buddhist.
Love, Light and Peace
Namu Myo Ho Renge Kyo

Thanks to both of you for your positive support.
It makes me feel better just to put our story out there and let people know our issue exists and so do we.
Awareness is the first step toward change.
Boone (my partner) and i spoke this morning and he is happy that i am connecting with others. He said after 18 years down this next 2 1/2 is a piece of cake to do.
I'm glad he feels this way because i sure don't. Some days feel a month long. I know from when i was in prison , the people that love you are doing time too.
It always feels like you're waiting for your life to happen when your mate comes home.
we don't even know if they will let him parole to me as i am not a spouse or family member. I may have to move to be with him.
We are cattle to be herded rather than humans to be considered.
I won't whine as i am grateful to have met him at all.
Take care everyone...Puppy

Puppy- Wow -, you are obviously a very intelligent and articulate man, with insight and integrity, and I for one want to say, i acknowledge you, and I ackknowledge the issues you are facing. I agree with the post from Chanterkyo that said you should create what you cannot find. As you said in your first post, "I suspect we are not the only ones." You seem very determined and i am certain you could initiate a website, and probably much more than that, to support gay inmates and their partners. As you said, "Awareness is the first step towards change" and YOU can make people aware. You have made me and the others in this forum aware and you can make others aware also. You can create an organization that works specifically to change discriminatory laws and policies in the correctional system. In other words, walk the talk. Advocate for what you believe, openly and fiercly, and others who do not have the leadership ability that you have, and have been afraid to step forward will join you in your stance. You do exist -you are not invisible- thank you for letting me see you and know a little bit from your soul. Now give that to to others on a larger scale. You can make a difference. Good luck, and take care.

sherri

Puppy's Picture!

hi puppy.

a bit like jasmine, i really dont no wot 2 say. i thought it was hard being in a heterosexual couple and my partner being in there, but 4 u, it must be a million times harder. but u no that u'll have a mate for life, and what u have is special. well done for that. 2 and a half years may seem long, but remember all the love u have 4 Boone and it might make it just a little easier, and also 2 no that he loves u just as much back.

ur right, it does suck the way u have no rights, and i can understand if ur angry.

but my situation is a little bit the same, i'm ONLY engaged 2 my partner, so 2 the officials it means nothing, i'm practically no-one to them, and that annoys me also.

but take care, and drop me a line soon.

sam

xxxxx :)

Sam,
Thanx for your kind words. You do know how it feels to not be equal because we don't have that marriage certificate. Just think of how many married people don't even respect their marriages. I watch people throw it away all the time and i would give anything to marry Boone.
Thanks to everyone for the e-mails and the feedback, kind words and support i've received since i posted my intro. I share it all with Boone and it makes him happy. His biggest worry is that i may spend too much time in solitude, not enjoying my freedom because of him. I enjoy my life but it is still incomplete without him by my side. We're all doing time right?
Here's something i'd like to share with you all.....

Subject: Donkey
> > >
> > > One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
> >piteously
> > > for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he
> >decided
> > > the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it
just
> > > wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors
to
> > > come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel
> >dirt
> > > into the well.
> > >
> > > At first, the donkey did not realized what was happening and cried
> > > horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel
> > > loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was
astonished
> >at
> > > what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey
was
> > > doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
> > >
> > > As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the
animal,
> >he
> > > would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was
amazed
> >as
> > > the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!
> > >
> > > Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
> > > getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
> >our
> > > troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just
> >by
> > > not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
> > >
> > > Remember the five simple rules to being happy:
> > >
> > > 1. Free your heart from hatred.
> > >
> > > 2. Free your mind from worries.
> > >
> > > 3. Live simply.
> > >
> > > 4. Give more.
> > >
> > > 5. Expect less..
> > >
> > > Enjoy Your Week & SHAKE IT OFF!!!
> > >
>
>
>
>
> __________________________________________________ _______________
> Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at
http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp.
>

The story of the donkey was great and OH SO TRUE!
We never know when what was ment for evil turns out to the good for us.
Marriage is a wonderful thing...... but in truth what it it? a piece of paper or public recognition? Or it it a joining of the heart and soul? Who can separate the hearts? only those who joined them together.
It is not what we DON'T have that restircts us the most but what we don't realize that we DO have.
I can't be married to the man I love but he still considers me his wife and when he writes me he address me as Mrs. Timothy Golebeiewski because NOTHING can change that. As long as you do not use a name in a fradulant manner you can use any name you want. With him I am Sue Golebiewski. On all my legal papers I am Susan Martin. We both wear temporary wedding bands until we can change the situation but I'm not worried aobut the legality of our relationship as much as I am in nourishing our love and embracing what we do have........now.
In reality NOW is all we have.... this space of time we live in and now is when we can rejoice in our love... don't let the joy of you life wait for you to find it someplace in the future.... reach out and embrace it now.

hi puppy,

ur right about the sentance 4 us as well. we may hav our freedom, but sometimes, all we want is the person that we cant have. its really heart breaking as well.

it must really suck that u and boone may never marry. its a shame, because it seems that u really love him. at laest u know that u have each other tho.

that donkey story was really nice. thanx.

take care,

xx

Susan and Sam,
You know i'm just that lil' donkey.....shakin' off that dirt and taking a step up!
The great writer, Kahlil Gibran wrote that freedom is more of the mind than physical and nothing can be taken that we don't give up. The system can never take away what all of us have for the ones we love unless we give it up. I will NEVER let them beat me , or us.
Gibran also said that " Pain is the breaking open of the shell that encloses our understanding" and that "We should watch with serenity in the winters of our grief"
Isn't that profound and lovely? I have all these little prayers and mantras that i say to myself to get me through the tough spots.
Take care ladies!
"puppy"

Hi, Good to hear you are staying positive!

"By ourselves is evil done, by ourselves we pain endure, by ourselves we cease form wrong, by ourselves we become pure, noone saves us but ourselves, no on can and no one may, we ourselves must thread the path, buddhqa only shows the way..."

Not sure why but I wanted to share that, and to say Howdy! have a great day!
Metta=Loving kindness
Namaste=I see the light in you
Gassho=palms of hands together in prayer position I bow to you

Puppy,
You said very eloquently what I have been trying to say to many people. All they hear is that I have a name that doesn't exist. I am married to a Cuban who came into the country under a different name that what he originally had the first time he was here. That is the name we are married under. I had to fight hard for INS to understand that WE ARE legally married. However, as an "illegal Alien" awaiting removal, my right as his wife is non-existent. I am an American citizen, born here in the US and it means nothing to INS. Everyone has this idea that if an illegal alien marries an American they get automatic residency. That is simply not true. You have a chance to file and reason for filing, but INS can still deny your application, which takes years to get approved. My being his American Wife means nothing at all. To INS it is as worthless as the peace of paper that it is written on. Every time he is moved to a new prison, I call to see if I am on the emergency contact list and each prison has no idea who I am and I have to explain the whole ordeal, I have even had to present our marriage certificate before they will list me as his wife. I worry every day that something may happen to him and I will never find out, or find out eventually, days later when I call.

Well, I guess that is enough for now. You hang in there and do keep fighting. Start up your own support group, find all the law and regulations and fight. Every human being is worth fighting for. In the Bible, God says to love your neighbors as yourself, unfortunately, that is becoming hard in this world because no one really loves themselves. This world is so judgmental and has so many rules and regulations of what "perfect person" should be that we all are having a hard time just loving ourselves for who we are. How can we loves others if we can't love ourselves? We are either too fat or too thin, the wrong color, the wrong sex, don't have the right job. I mean, who wants to work at McDonals, right? You must be a looser to work there. We are from the wrong country, don't speak the right language...and on and on. What it all boils down to is that God created everyone and he doesn't make mistakes so we all need to love ourselves and everyone else around us, unconditionally.

Take care
Joy

Hello Puppy
Gillian here, nice to meet you. There used to be a forum on Delphi and I have just emailed a friend to ask for the info on it. It was run by a wonderful man who's partner is incarcerated in Texas. As soon as I hear something back I will let you know. I am actually going to Texas in April and I am very much looking forward to meeting him. I'm in chilly Canada lol.
Talk to you soon.
Gillian

Puppy:

Hope things turn out great for you and your love. Life can be very hard but always remember there is a rainbow at the end that has a pot of gold.
Tomorrow is always a better day. I have found that to be true all my life.
May God Bless and Keep you!!! Always keep the faith.

Donna

Puppy...
Thank you very much for the donkey story!!! I printed it out and plan on sending it to my incarcerated man. :) Don't know if you have read my intro, but I am cut off from him right now... I can't write him directly. He does have a sister, who I think will send him a few things... but I know all of his mail is being carefully read, so it isn't like I can just write him freely and have her mail the letters.... So the only way I can find to reassure him and comfort him right now is to find little inspirational stories and tidbits to him through her. I still don't even know yet if he is getting them, but I am still collecting them... I plan on visiting his sister on Saturday and plan on giving her a whole stack... so if you have any more, could you send them to me at jdswifey02@aol.com??
I would really appreciate it.... Heck, I probably need it just as much if not more than he does... :) Thanks!!

Puppy
Here is the link I promised.

http://*************************/GICTU/start

Gillian

Puppy, I had heard the story of the donkey but the second time around it is just as powerful! I, too, saw that the donkey's story mirrored my own. After joining just last night to PTO, and reading your post as well as others, I feel a bit ashamed. I missed visiting my man this weekend because I was exhausted and needed a break. I was beginning to feel overwhelmed, as I do tend to do, with this whole incarceration situation. After reading the posts here on this site, I feel that I should realize how blessed I am to have met my man...to be only an hours drive away from his facility, to be able to see him every weekend even if for just 3 hours per weekend day, to be able to look into his eyes and hear him tell me how much I mean to him and how much he loves me, to be able to smell his scent and tell him how much I love him and how "in love" I am with him and how I am looking forward to becoming Mrs. H legally Sept. 19, 02, to be able to kiss hello, to be able to sneak little smoldering kisses in between when there are no CO's looking , to be able to then enjoy that wonderful extended goodbye kiss and embrace. Just to be able to be together although the circumstances are not ideal they could surely be worse. Basically I am reminded that I need to thank God every day and night that I have someone who loves me for me and someone I don't have to mask in front of. Thank you and all who are reading this for reminding me of all of this and inspiring me to stay strong, and to continue to love and support and appreciate what I do have. Although the dirt is still falling lets keep stepping up until we finally walk out of the pits! Blessings!:wave: T

PUPPY

WHERE ARE YOU? I HAVE NOT HEARD ANYTHING SINCE YOUR POST HERE. WE WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IF YOU ARE OK AND THINGS ARE GOING FINE.

DONNA

Hi Puppy:

I'm so glad this story has been revived from the archives!

Have you ever heard of a Canadian actor named Keifer Sutherland? Goodness, how you resemble him. (I think his main claim to fame is that he got dumped at the altar by Julia Roberts.)

Anyway, hmmm, would love to see you back around PTO... It would be nice to meet you!

Menolly

Yes! Kefer Sutherland! That's who I was trying to think of! Thankyou! :)
Anyways. I know this post is old, but i just read it, and I have to say something. Puppy's first intro brought tears to my eyes, and filled me with a "fighting spirit". I can't pretend to know what he is going through, cuz I don't, I only know what I am going through. And, his post made me realize that I have it good compared to some people. I just wrote a post here yesterday (forgot what topic) and all I did was bitch about the DOC, the phone systems, UPS for not delivering my books to Robert, etc. I am lucky that Robert is only doing a short amount of time, and I am very lucky that we are able to be together openly and without prejudice , unlike Puppy and his love. I never thought about what a gay man or gay woman must go through when their loved one is incarcerated. It's hard enough when your loved one is away from you! I am heartbroken, angry, and happy for him all at once. I am happy that he has found his true love, I am heartbroken that they are still away from each other, and I am angry that they have to deal with all of that CRAP even when he does get out. God bless you puppy if you ever do read this, and know that your story really opened my eyes!

Jeni and All,

I have been looking for "Puppy" since I read his article first on PrisonerLife.com. His story touched me and I thought that if I found him that he could give me more insight to my situation. Being gay and having a partner inside is not all that different from everyone else, but it does hold restrictions. Some of those restrictions come from the fact that no matter how long you have been together you don't have status as a partner, significant other, and just are not recognized that way.

One of the biggest frustrations is that you have to be so careful how you greet each other in visits and how you handle yourself during the visit. That hug and kiss on entry and exit - the limited physical contact during the visit... I have been advised that if the "visiting rules" do not specifically state that you CANNOT do something then for the most part it is ok. I am not sure that this is always the case. I am afraid for what may and could happen to my partner after I leave either from the guards or other inmates. Now I think that we are pretty lucky, because my partner is out and known as gay inside and no one gives him a hard time with this. In fact if anything they tease him about me. I am conservative by nature and not an activist in any sense of the word so I am always aware of others in the visiting room and the fact that they may not agree with our lifestyle. My partner keeps telling me not to worry about it and all will be alright. I am not always sure. To date we have had no backlash from our visits, but you never know when and where something will happen. From what I read and have experienced, the rules can change without notice and it also depends on who is interpreting these rules.

Puppy's story was touching and he was at the time of his post on a quest for a site or group that could offer support to his (and my) circumstance. I have a similar quest and thought that if we could hook up that if nothing else, support could flow between us. If anyone hears from this man, please do let him know that I would love to post back and forth with him.

Ken

____________________________
Dream and Believe

welcome to PTO

Sorry this hello is so late!!!! We welcome you with open arms.
Michelle