I am still with my abuser.One reason why I have not replied or been on alot,I was embarrassed cause he is in prison for the 4th time cdv and only got 3years mandatory 1 year.I wanted him to get help.Not prison.Is domestic violence a mental disorder.So much of it going on and I live in a state that it is a high rate of it.I am so glad I found this thread.

Hon, I thought the same thing, and wrote a note about it to the judge. And then I started reading and going to a domestic abuse counselor. The statistics on recovery from a history of domestic violence are absolutely lousy. Those mandated to therapy rarely continue to attend beyond their parole requirements. Of those who actually complete the 2 or so years of therapy, the success rate for NOT committing cdv again runs in the single digits - somewhere between 3 and 8%. That is the crummiest set of odds!

It's not a mental disorder, so to speak, not like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. It's a personality type - narcissistic, anti-social or a PTSD sufferer. And of those three, only PTSD is treatable. So look those up, and do a whole lot of reading, both here and other sites on-line. You need to know a lot more to make the right decisions for your safety.

Hi, Missing Billy I'm sorry but you can't help him or get help for him regardless of the poor stats. Only he can do it. He has to seek the help and not only that he has to do it because he wants to for himself. Not to shut you up or please you, and not because of a court order but purely because he knows HE really is the problem. Not you, not his day to day issues or wether or not he suffered at the hands of an abuser but HIS behaviour patterns and HIS actions. Even then the odds are against him. Theres not a thing YOU can do. Nim knows what she is talking about so even if it hurts you should listen. My ex is inside right now too and even though I'm hiding from him I still sometimes get lonely and wonder if I got in touch and was here for him when he got out if I could change him or help him change, Iknow it can't happen but we get these thoughts sometimes. When you love someone it's hard to let go. Wishing you well and good luck.

First of all, hello!!! I'm so glad you posted. I hate that you'd feel embarrassed-YOU have nothing to be embarrassed about. You sound like a very caring person!!

Everyone is pretty much correct-there are very few programs that work for people like Billy. Unfortunately, counseling, medication, etc, doesn't seem to work with abusers. However, there are A LOT of things YOU can do and receive during this time-are you getting the support you need? Have you gone to a domestic violence support group, or maybe a counselor (there are tons of counselors available in all price ranges out there, many can be found by calling a DV hotline, or even a local college or university.) Are you depressed? Should you get evaluated by a medical professional for perhaps an antidepressant? Like all survivors, you have been through a lot, and the statistics DO show YOU can feel better with counseling, with support, even with medication.

I support you 100% on your journey towards feeling better. And if you get yourself in treatment, I guarantee you-guarantee you-your relationship with your man will be 100% healthier and you will find you have more of an idea of how to handle him and the abuse.

bunny bunny i really like what you posted and totally agree with you, what you said is excatly what i have done

Hi Missin Billy,

I get "embarrassment."

I get "I wanted him to get help." Am I correct that you asked him to get help and he refused? If so, then it’s you who want help, as much help as you think he needs.

Re: "Is domestic violence a mental disorder."? Thousands of professionals have argued the topic and there still is no accepted agreement. If you knew the answer you’d still have the same problem. It’s better to ask a question the answer to which will disappear the problem for life. Yes?

I think some good questions to ask are:
Does my addiction to abuse, to abusing and being abused, feed his addiction to abuse?

Do my leadership-communication skills inspire harmony and supportive behaviors or do they cause (trigger) friction and abuse?

Did I unconsciously chose someone addicted to abuse, someone needing help, so that I wouldn't have to work on myself?
It’s virtually impossible for him to heal with you in his life. He simply hasn’t driven enough people out of his life to have it be his idea to heal. Once you heal you, you’ll see that you never would have chosen him had you been conscious. His first condescending remark, his first put down, his first verbally abusive statement, if not completed through to mutual satisfaction would have been your warning sign to extract yourself from the relationship. You would have recognized that you had been down that path during high school (relationship training) and that it didn’t work.

It’s been my experience that any relationship in which there is abuse, verbal and nonverbal, that both are equally addicted to creating abuse (yes equally). For example: A woman who is whole and complete, who has a supportive loving relationship with her parents simply doesn’t attract a person addicted to abuse into her life. To do so would be abusive to her parents; it would hurt them. She holds that it’s her responsibility to bring someone into the clan that will get along with everyone and enhance the experience of a supportive family. She intuits that everyone will love him. A woman intent on punishing her parents will do whatever it takes (to include ignoring the advice of friends) to make sure she fails in relationships so that her parents don’t think they did a good job raising their daughter.

The best way to create space for him to heal (and he may never ever choose to heal) is for you to complete your relationship with him. This means to let him know, in writing, that you will be refraining from all contact (tel, messages, presents, cards etc.) until he can tell you he has completed six months in a row of weekly counseling sessions), and, immerse yourself in an equal amount of counseling/coaching. If you start down this path you will see just how hard it will be for him to heal. You will be tempted to interact with him (just as he will be tempted to not attend a counseling session) which will keep both of you stuck. If you say the words but don't mean it (if your ultimatum is a lie) you may get to discover that you’re unconsciously intent on goading him (with your presence) into hitting you hard enough to have him incarcerated for a much longer time (we’ll see in five years what your intentions are today).

No matter his words, he does not, can not, respect you. He can’t even respect himself. How could he possible respect someone who creates space for him to abuse them and then come back for more?

With aloha,

Kerry

P.S. Do show him these replies.

Kerrith, you really love to get under abused people's skin - these comments in particular -

"Is domestic violence a mental disorder."? Thousands of professionals have argued the topic and there still is no accepted agreement." I don't think there's a whole lot of disagreement - there are underlying personality problems - narcissistic personality disorder, anti-social personality disorder, PTSD - in which the particular expression is abuse. In some it is directed to everyone with whom they come in contact, in others it is directed at particular targets for particular underlying reasons.

"Does my addiction to abuse, to abusing and being abused, feed his addiction to abuse?" One doesn't have to be addicted to fall prey to a subtle abuser. This is not necessarily a good question to be asking a victim except in a therapeutic context, which this is not.

"Do my leadership-communication skills inspire harmony and supportive behaviors or do they cause (trigger) friction and abuse?" Another question that is unsupportive to a victim of abuse. One does not need lack of great skills to trigger an abuser! The triggers are interior to the abuser, not the victim.

"A woman intent on punishing her parents will do whatever it takes (to include ignoring the advice of friends) to make sure she fails in relationships so that her parents don’t think they did a good job raising their daughter." Once again, that may be one mechanism, but it still blames the victim, and leaves out the subtlety of the approach of an abuser. There may be virtually no signs of abuse until the love for them is already effected.

"This means to let him know, in writing, that you will be refraining from all contact (tel, messages, presents, cards etc.) until he can tell you he has completed six months in a row of weekly counseling sessions) ...". Six months? That's nowhere near enough to even begin to attack the problems of an abuser - two years is more likely.

Thanks for your reply to Kerrith Nim, I must admit that in reading her post I was left feeling a bit deflated and even a little guilty!. This post caused a little of that - if I read it, it must be true- reaction in me. As it seems to be natural for us (the survivors) to blame ourselves for the situations we wind up in then it also seems that even after all the work we do on ouselves to correct this illogical thought pattern it can still come down like a house of cards easily if we do not remain guarded about this issue. After all, part of the cycle appears to be the abusers need to justify their actions by making their victims take the blame for their abusive words and deeds. I am happy to say that by the time I read her post, Nim's reply was already posted so I was reminded of the truth of the matter before I actually went into meltdown. Just because it is WRITTEN in an educated manner does not make it an intelligent point of view. I get the feeling that it was meant to be inflammatory- to perhaps start a debate, but I don't believe it was meant to do harm. Unfortunately on a site such as this it could do a lot of harm, it can, if read the way I viewed it, be a little accusatory to the victims and survivors of domestic abuse. NOT REALLY HELPFUL- but thats your opinion I guess Kerrith. Hows that for a trigger???. Thanks for your rebuttal Nim!.

How in the world did I miss this inspirational post by Kerrith?! :p ;) :rolleyes: :dizzy:
Kerrith get a grip and stop try to psychoanalyze something you actually know about. You coming on here to try to make yourself look wise, smart, super intelligent isn't really working out very well for you. ;) I would have you crying like a little girl/boy/whatever you are in the middle of group....darn good choice on my part don't you agree? And the best part is it wouldn't even be my parents fault.:p I would be very proud to take full responsibility for that and I just happen to have a dictionary and psychiatric book here if you want to go head to head with big words.

Choices...Choices...Choices on who we play with????.......Give me a break!

LOL, Sokie!

Hey Sokie, fantastic "communication skills"!!!. I understood exactly what you were saying :D. Perhaps you should become the "Communication coach/facilitator". You are definitely better at it than the so called professional who graces us with his/her? expertise :thumbsup:.

I'm glad you understood what I was trying to say threw my typo's. :o Sometimes when I get mad my "English" isn't that good. :eek: ((hugs)) sokie

There is no mistaking exactly what you are saying here Sokie!. :angel::grouphug:.

After my second beating I still wanted to find my abuser " help." I know its natural for you to love him and want him to get help. The reality though is that the "help" avaliable doesnt really work all that well. He will just become a more adept abuser since he went to abuser school. They tend to get out with new ways to abuse from other abusers in their classes.

Is it a mental disorder? I actually believe that it is. When I looked up sociopath / psychopath, I found my husbands personality all laid out right before me. He hit on like 19 of the 20 criteria! I was floored.

Think of it this way, would you keep seeking help for a loved one who had downs syndrome to make them "normal"? While your motives would be considered as well meaning, everyone still knows that a person with downs syndrome cant be turned in to a "normal" person. abusive men are not normal inside, though they appear normal on the outside, you cant ever fix something like they have.

Once I saw "sociopath" with all his personality traits listed, it hit me then that he couldnt change, not even if he wanted to. He cant change because he doesnt know he is abnormal.

Please dont be offended with my explanation of how to look at this, just trying to let you see what you are up against with changing him. I taught people with downs syndrome and they are special wonderful people. Its just seems the easiest way to explain to people what kind of change they are hoping for.