My Keith hasd been gone now for over a year, and I have tried to let it go and I just can't. I keep busy but that is not working. I pray, I go to church, I work with the prison ministry, and I just can't get it together. I even went on a date and we had dinner, and I could not think of anything that I wanted to talk to the guy about except my Keith. How do I move on with my life when he was my life.

All of my so called friends have vanished, I don't understand that. I try to do things that I use to care about, and that happiness only last for a moment.

I wanted to buy me a new car, so I went out and brought an 08 Mercedes, and that thrill only lasted until I took it to the cementary for Keith to see. I tried to loose weight, and I exercised untl I got to my goal weight, then that thrill was over.

How do I get over this? Time is not healing my heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8b3mftcV0dY

I wish I had some words of wisdom or magic advice, but I don't. I do think from reading your post you are doing exactly what I would do, keeping busy, keeping active. It was not the same as death,but when I went through divorce years ago I did go see a wonderful counselor for over a year once a week. I also went to a weekly support group. Again it was the keeping busy. Do you have a counselor at your church??? I feel for you and wish I had some more suggestions. Have you attended any bereavement support groups or found a bereavement counselor to speak with? Peace and Love to you!!!

Definitely a grief counselor. But also think about how to allow. You had a terrible time, and it may be that something like EMDR will allow you to process it and allow it to become past.

Letting go is a mysterious process, and when you carry a lot of tension about something that tends to focus you on it rather than focus you away from it. Try being kind to yourself - a year is not a terrible amount of time.

Menia- I am so sorry your sadness keeps on, but I think you have done an amazing job in trying to have a life. You lost a big part of your life, and that isn't going to heal quickly. Of course you would like to enjoy something, I know how lost you can feel. A year isn't that long when you had such a shock to begin with, and maybe all the firsts are over, but you still seem to be living for Keith - showing him your car,
loosing weight - You do great work with the prison ministry - I think you should just expect to feel his loss for a while, eventually it will get more bearable. Think of the place you feel most comfortable and at ease and concentrate on that - it may be when you are by yourself, and that's OK - Give yourself some more time.
I wish there was a magic wand to wave - but unfortunately you just have to get through it.

Menia, grief has certain steps.... there is no short cut, we have to live them and feel them. and grief needs time.

your friends .... many friends dont have the patience, when the grief process is not "going on", when you cannot move on.

you may want to look out for help. your first step is already done, as you asked for this help..... you asked for advice.
the next step is you will find the place to go. the place or person , maybe how or what you want to do.
both can help: to talk about or to follow signs of your body, getting help for them (and I dont speak about medication), more about massages or what ever. BOTH can be a way and you can also do both, as mental and corporal healing go along with one another.

and you will find new friends.... sometimes we just have to let go the old, to be open for the new!
good luck!

Menia - I do understand what you are going through. I lost my husband 5 years ago. I went through steps of grief. Old friends were there for a while but they did not understand what I was going through. I did attend a women's bible class and asked this nice old lady who lost her husband years before if "this would get any better." She responded "Honey, it will not get better you just get use to it." And yes - you do start getting use to the idea of not having Keith around. Start talking about Keith and don't feel like you are burdening people. Keep talking about him and in time when you don't even know it you will start living again. Right now you are saying that you gave your heart to Keith and don't know how to get it back, let alone love again, but you will be surprised. Going to church is good - but you must have God dwell in you and rely on His strength. Cars, losing weight, material things is not going to fulfill your void but God will. So draw strength from His Word. You have a testimony to give to others who are going through what you are going through.

I am now re-married to a wonderful man of 10 months. And yes, I too have a testimony to share. I'll be praying for you, and if you want you can PM anytime.

God be with you.

Menia, I am so sorry that you're having to go through this. You haven't been able to fully grieve yet. Give it more time. Cry when you need to and laugh when you need to. "Feel" all the emotions as you are going through them. Maybe you have one close friend that you can talk with and that will understand?
My brother committed suicide 2 yrs. ago this Aug., and I have made several attempts to post in this forum, but I read one post and have to leave. How ever long it takes me, then so be it.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope that someday soon you can find a sense of peace and come to terms with this.
God Bless

Thanks to all for the continued support. Life is so hard, but we have to live until we die. I am trying, I really am.

Sometimes letting go is extremely difficult; I know, I still can't. Even though my Fred died while incarcerated (for over 30 years) in 2006, I still haven't been able to let it go. A long time ago I remembered how he told me that I had a hard time of letting things go and he was so right. Even though your Keith and my Fred want us both to be happy I am sure, we can always hold a VERY SPECIAL place for them in our hearts and still be even happier knowing they are looking down on us and seeing we are being happy and yet still loving them. I'm sure that makes them happy in their afterlife seeing that we are happy yet still so very much in love with them. However, it is important not to let it jeopadize another potential relationship; your Keith wouldn't want that - I would bet.

I am thinking of you and I am sorry you are going through this

m so sorry for your loss and I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain or help you take your mind off of your pain if even for a little while. Maybe you could strive to change some of these unfair laws that the incarecerated have to face or the accused have to deal with before getting railroaded into these prison situations and there are many on here including myself that have loved ones who are wrongfully incarcerated and need mental moral and financial support to even get their chance to for the truth of these wrongful convictions to come out due to lack of resources and support before they a forced to commit actual crimes within the prison system and lose all hope of ever getting their day in court at all. that may make your son proud that you are using the sorrow and energy in an area that can help others that a wrongfully forced to suffer the same circumstances that he has......
I wish and I will pray for solace for you and your heart and pray that you will be able to get threw this pain you are feeling even if it is only temporary ********{hugs to you }}}} I wish there was more that I could do or say. but pray and turn it over to god he will help you threw the pain better than anyone can...he has brought you this far and he will not give up on you and I am sure your son wouldnt want you to suffer like you are...live for him

I can tell you from experience that the pain you feel I completely understand it I am so sorry for your loss I to lost one of my children and they say there's nothing like a Mothers love.I pray that you will find peace

Don't be too hard on yourself Menia, you have been through a lot. Nim is right, find some sort of a professional to talk to about this. They may be able to give you tips and tricks to work through your pain.

I hear a lot of people saying "let go" and they are right, but that saying always confuses me. I lost my parents when I was young and when people said "let go" I would confuse it with "forget them or move on without them". You will never, ever forget Keith and he knows that. He wouldn't want you to suffer or to feel like you need to "hang on to him". He would want you to get on with your life and to find some happiness. Of course you need to do it in your own time and please don't be fearful that you aren't honoring him or loving him if you stop mourning as deeply as you are now. You will always have thoughts and wonderful memories of him, that is a given. I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds as I'm trying to help with love.

You know, I've found my own personal ways to remember my Mom and they make me smile. She used to love cardinals and whenever I see one, I think of her and feel she is around. Sometimes if I see a beautiful sunset, I also feel her presence. For whatever that is worth, it's what works for me. My husband also helped by encouraging me to not dwell on the anniversaries of their deaths. It would only bring me down and instead he said to dwell in the wonderful memories. Granted, that was a good 15 years after they died, but it did help.

And as always, we are here for you Menia. There's lots of love on this site for you and you know many of us are here for you.

Thankfully I am doing better. I stay extremely busy. Keith's mother works for me, and I see her at least 3-4 times a week. Keith looks so much like her. I use to always tell him his hands looks just like his mothers, and whenever I see her I always stare at her hands. That always bring me so much joy. I guess little things like that is what makes things better for me.

Thank you for your kind loving words, I really appreciated it.

My Keith hasd been gone now for over a year, and I have tried to let it go and I just can't. I keep busy but that is not working. I pray, I go to church, I work with the prison ministry, and I just can't get it together. I even went on a date and we had dinner, and I could not think of anything that I wanted to talk to the guy about except my Keith. How do I move on with my life when he was my life.

All of my so called friends have vanished, I don't understand that. I try to do things that I use to care about, and that happiness only last for a moment.

I wanted to buy me a new car, so I went out and brought an 08 Mercedes, and that thrill only lasted until I took it to the cementary for Keith to see. I tried to loose weight, and I exercised untl I got to my goal weight, then that thrill was over.

How do I get over this? Time is not healing my heart.




Oh my love, I so feel for you.
Grief is a process, and you have to go through all the stages to come out the other side. You can't short cut this process, no matter how you try.
Don't try to force anything, leave your heart to dictate, the stages of grief. You won't know you have passed from one stage to another, until one day, you realise that the pain is not so bad. In some cases, grief lasts a relatively short time, in other cases years, all are normal.
There is no such thing as a set time to grieve, as we all have different fingerprints, we all grieve different. One thing for sure, Kieth's fingerprint, will always be on your heart!

Keep busy, try to keep your mind occupied, then follow you heart, and in time, you will come out of this dark place.

God bless x

i have had a lot of people in my life pass on. unfortunately it's a part of life that none of us can escape. one day, we will also be gone and people we love will mourn for us.
my dad, my brother, friends, my ex-boyfriend..all gone, and here i remain.
through various ways they've all gone. murder, heart attacks, suicide, accidents.
but i've survived and gone on. allow yourself to be angry and sad, to feel all the emotions associated with the passing. but you must not dwell.
there is nothing we can do to change what happened.
life begins and life ends. for all of us.
one that hurt me the most was my best friend being murdered. but knowing him and who he was, he would have been so upset if he knew my life was hindered by his passing. i celebrate his life, not his death.
i didn't know this when my ex died. for YEARS it haunted me. not a day would go by for 5 years, everyday it was the first thought on my mind.
you must accept what you can't change. it sucks, it really does, but would Keith want you to be living your life this way, to have his death be a hinderance to you going on? take the negative and make a positive. use his life and his passing to teach others. hold fundraisers/awareness in his honor.
it will get better. :love:

I think one day you may feel you're getting stronger and then before you know it..everything can come crashing down again. That is just the way life is and Kieth
holds to many of your memories to let him go now. It takes time, lots of time. Take baby steps. It's okay to go out to dinner with a friend for the companionship. Let them know you value their friendship but let them know you are far from ready for anything more. If you can, Plant a tree or some rosebushes for Kieth in your yard. This gives him a memorial of sorts and you can watch them grow as you grow stronger.

Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted.

I pray you find that comfort. Don't be to hard on yourself.

Menia, I was wondering. Why don't you try your hand at writing a poem or a song.

My Keith has been gone now for over a year, and I have tried to let it go and I just can't.

Hi Menia, they do say the first year is the hardest and that was certainly my experience

You say that Keith was your life and now it seems as though greiving for him has become your life and I imagine it will remain so, not until you "let it go " ...but until you let HIM go and thats the hardest part , only you can do that in your own time but I agree that grief counselling would be a really good step.

Your faith in God and knowing you will one day be reunited with Keith must be a great comfort to you, in the meantime ...life is for the living :)

Menia,
I lost the best friend I ever had almost 16 years ago...my dad and to this day I still miss him and think about him everyday....I think about the good times we had and keep my self busy and although it has been so long I still miss our talks and I find that I talk to him everyday and that has really helped me to cope with his loss....

Menia,

I know where you are at.

I think I have spoken too you about my oldest daughter Jana? She is my sunshine, the light of my life, all that a first born should be. But all of my four children are my sunshine, and the lights of my life.

Jana was only in this world for 9 months, she went Home to Heaven on my 17th birthday in 1970. Yet she is still with me.

For years I would not celebrate my own birthday because that was the day she was take from me. My parents, my sisters, eventually my life partner would try each year to get me to celebrate my birthday. I couldn't for that was the day my precious child was taken from me.

I could never let her go.

I don't think it is a matter of letting go my friend, or getting over the hurt. For there has been a huge hole in my heart for Jana since that awful day, September 23, 1970.

I think it is a matter of us learning to live again for you know and I know that is what Keith and Jana would want for you and I.

I know in my heart and in the deepest depths of my soul that I will see my daughter again - that some day I will play in the golden fields of Heaven with her and that nothing will ever separate us again.

I don't know if you were here on PTO when I was discussing how my parents, my children, and Linda were trying to get me to celebrate my own birthday again on the right date.

Someone here made the comment that it is only right that I celebrate my own birthday, the day the woman who gave life to Jana was born, the day 17 years later I held my sweet child in my arms as she left this earth - and was born into Heaven.

I cry to this day thinking about that day - yet I realize now that Jana and I share the same birthday and have since 1970. So we celebrate she and I, me here for now and her at Home with God.

Yet, I have learned to enjoy this life as best I can, for I know that she would want that for me. I think of those nine months she and I had together and I am so, so Blessed I was given the priviledge of being her mother, and being able to share the fight she put up to stay here with us.

I love her with all my heart, and I still remember seeing her love for me in her eyes, the touch of her tiny hand to my fingers. I love all four of my children with all my heart!

I know that she would want me to live my life to the fullest, to take in every moment, to do things she never had the chance to do. And that is exactly what I do, both the good times and the bad.

When the time comes, I will have some incredible stories of my adventures in this life to tell her about, but I have to live them first. Not just go through the motions.

Have I ever gotten over that day, no I never will. Do I miss her, do I hurt with every fiber of my being for her, yes I do, and always will in this life.

Menia, I know how painful it is, but I now know that you need to live this life and the adventure that it is, so that you will have plenty of stories for Keith, after all you know he will want to hear them.

Live now in this life, smile, cry, rejoice, hurt, do things that you have always wanted to do, celebrate your birthday! Get up in the morning of each day as hard as it is and live for the both of you.

Hugs,

Patti

Menia,
I am so sorry you are going through this grief. I lost my beloved brother just two months ago and the void it left in my life and my heart will never be filled. There is such a thing as "normal" grieving and "abnormal" grieving if your spirituality is not helping, I definetly recommend as many others have a grief counselor, and possible treatment for situational depression. These things have helped me immensely. My brother spent 31 yrs incarcerated and only 5 months of freedom, I was sure his testimony died with him, but realized just today it doesn't have to and I plan to contact chaplains to go to the jails and prisons to speak to tell of my brother's tesitmony. Because it was the almighty God who gave us that 5 month gift we didn't deserve

I wish you well,
Staci

Patti, thanks for sharing about your daughter with me. I remember you talking her, but I didn't know her name.

Snowbaby 62, I am so sorry about your brother. It was indeed a blessing for you all to spend the last 5 months of his life with him outside of prison. God is Good.

ur love will always be with him. God can only heal what time can't.

Menia
I cannot say I know how you feel but I know how I felt and still feel about the fact that I lost my mother and brother within weeks of each other recently. I am told everyone grieves in a different way and things will get better with time , well for me they haven't yet and it is going to take some time for you also to get through this. I have been given a lot of advice although well meaning and I believe given with love none of it has helped so far. I don't know you but it seems that you are somewhat like me and will just keep going day by day and cope the best that you can.
I hope that you will keep on keeping on and that things will get easier for you. Love and Best Wishes. You are in my thoughts.

awwwww mamacita am so sorry you still hurting,but keith would'nt want you hurting and grieving for him until you can't find anything to make/keep you happy,you have to believe the keith is with you even if only in spirit ,through his mom you can find comfort and peace that keith loved you and now he's at peace floating through the heavens like the angel that was needed up there in heaven