Like the title... are you the victim and still with them? Have you gone through it before.. and know "the process." Well, I was a "victim." Still with him, I just want to talk to someone who's in the same situation. I don't want anyone TO JUDGE me. So, I'd rather not read the negative comments (no offence to anyone...). I just have a few questions for someone that's been through this already... they know how it is when he's released. What all happends. Whatever. Anyone? Please help.

Well, the problem is that I WAS with him, but had to call the police while he was out, so he went back. Out once again now, but . . . no more bites at the apple! I'm tired of all that.

Most of what you read won't be judging or negative, but it's going to be about making your life better and not worse . . . which usually means that you have to separate, eventually.

I assume your talking about being the victim in the crime your loved one is in for?? I'm not (my guy was abusive and we're in a holding pattern as to whether he'll ever come home--not from prison--but to us) but I know there have been other's through this forum who have been. Are you wondering about how to get a no contact order removed...how to see them/him again? Or about how likely it is that you'll be hurt again?? There are lots of answers and lots of differing opinions out there. You might read through some of the recent posts here--from what I've read some get to see their loved ones again, some aren't allowed to and they end up safer because of it.

My encouragment would be to read other posts/threads, ask specific questions--you get good responses in this forum and I always learn something from them--and keep searching for your answers. What is important is that you do what is right for you!! That you take care of yourself--whatever that means to you...whatever gives you the greatest peace and joy. Sometimes in all the drama and second guessing of ourselves we forget to search for the joy!! It's there, I promise--even if it takes awhile to find it again.

Hugs, GiaElise

I signed in a lady and 3 kids tonight. 24 stitches to her forehead and her kids totally freaked out........yes ma'am she was still with him.

I only met him 18month ago, after 3 month of us going out together he attacked me in front of my 8 yr old son, he tried to hit me with a hammor and tried stabbing me and kept me locked up in the house for 3 days.

I wrote to him in prison and I seemed to regain my trust for him, and I also respected him in a way, because he pleased guilty to all the charges when it went to court, so a least he knew that what he did to me was clearly wrong and he was so desperately sorry and was prepared to get professional help with his temper.

He was released from prison almost six weeks ago. I had been told by social services that I had to cut him out of my life or they would have no choice but to put my son on the 'at risk' registar and take him to live with my parents 15mile away.

I told him he had to get his own place but I'd see him on a weekend when my son went to his dads, but after two weeks he did it again, he tried to straggle me, he beat me, he bite me and pulled my hair, wrecked my house and two cars. Hence he was recalled to prison.

I don't know what to do, he knows he's got a problem and has asked for help in prison but they just don't want to know. I also know he is appauled at his behaivour and 90% of the time he is the most perfect partner in the world.

I know if someone told me what I've just told you, I'd think they had a screw loose and I would be screaming at them: to get out. But I can't, I really do love him to bits, I've never had feelings for anyone like I do for him. I tried to ed things with him at xmas when he was in prison and
I didn't have contact with him and to be honnest, I felt like my heart had been ripped out and stood on. It was the worst feeling ever in the world.

Caz, do you really think that the worst feeling was when you were apart? Sounds to me like maybe the worst pain was when he was hitting you with a hammer!

Also notice what your son is learning.

A violent atmosphere at home is the reason children grow up to batter others. Or, if they manage to avoid violence, they will instead always assume they should fail at life. So, IF you manage to avoid dying at this man's hands, you will sacrifice your child. If you die, you will sacrifice your son and yourself.

Add it up.

All of us here have had those same feelings. All of us have left anyway. Your pain is pain that we have lived through and triumphed over. Your pain is pain that we decided was really NOT worse than death. We decided that we deserved to live without that pain. You can too!

Sometimes that little voice inside us...our gut feeling/instinct that instructs us about danger or gives us wisdom...is silenced by our addiction to chaos. I don't mean to sound all theoretical on you but what I'm trying to say is that our feelings can become warped...by these charming, smooth talking men or by things that happened to us long before we met them...to the point where we equate love and affection with chaos, turmoil and yes, even abuse. On top of that our fear of abandonment or of being alone is SO great that we'll put up with a few beatings if they'll just stay "loyal".

After all a feeling is simply an emotion---the worst emotional pain is survivable and will strengthen us and teach us but if we're dead then there isn't anything more to talk about.

Frankly, if you do stay in contact with this man--after you've given him a second chance and he's proven that he cannot keep himself under control--then your child should be taken from you.

The only way to distance yourself and keep yourself away is to go "cold turkey"...cut off all contact, become involved in a Domestic Violence group and/or get counseling and refocus all your energy on something time consuming so you won't have much time to miss him and worry about it. If you think about these men as our "drug of choice" it might make more sense...

This second chance should be for you...not him!!

Anyway, that's my two cents. GiaElise

[quote=cazpettinger;37917

I know if someone told me what I've just told you, I'd think they had a screw loose and I would be screaming at them: to get out. But I can't, I really do love him to bits, I've never had feelings for anyone like I do for him. I tried to ed things with him at xmas when he was in prison and
I didn't have contact with him and to be honnest, I felt like my heart had been ripped out and stood on. It was the worst feeling ever in the world.[/quote]


Don't ever believe that you are the only one who has ever felt this way about a man :shake: we all have at some point and thats why we are in the DV forums.
What you need to decide and understand is you are going to have to choose, either your son (your baby) or this man who did some really terrible stuff to you.
Maybe I am wrong but it would have been more normal if he had took you guys on a camping trip, to the show, or even out to eat but to hit you, stab you, and keep you hostage for 3 days doesn't sound like an act of love for either you or your child. (Mind you I'm just about 19 now and not real worldly. :shrug:)
Everyone of us that post in this forum have been where you are today so we know it's not fun or easy to give up on your guy but when you are out of the situation a while you understand that you were more in love with the fantasy of what it should have been then how it really was.
You have a chance at a normal life, you still have your child. :thumbsup: Some of us aren't that lucky.
Peace, sokie

I am not with my abuser anymore. I had enough of gettig my ass beat and my kids seeing it. It took me many many years to get out and not go back. For years I would leave and eventually go back, or he would find me and drag me by the head of my hear back. I took the physical abuse for many many years because I "thought" I had to say with him because he was the "father" of our children. I have been out and away from him almost 5 years now. I would never ever ever in a million years even think of going back. It never even crosses my mind. I see him around from time to time. We are civil to each other, because we have children togather. He beat the "LOVE" I once had for him right out of me. I knew that when I had enough I would get out and when the ass beatings went both ways, I had had enough, it was time to go and that is what I did. I went into a SAFFE House for abused women for 3 months. He went crazy looking for me. But once he finally realized I was gone and I wasn't coming back he quit looking and I came out of hiding. We are like to strangers now, civil to each other if and when we see each other. I don't go out of my way to take out 4 year old to see her father. If he can't come see our daughter on his weekend of supervised visitation then so be it. Yes, I was pregant when I left him and never looked back. I had to make up my mind that it was over and this is what I was gona do. I was married to him for almost 21 years. I loved that man more than anything but he beat my love for him right out of me. No two situations are the same and no two people are the same. I now wished I had not of waited so long to get out, wished I would have gotten out sooner and stayed out, but I wasn't ready to call it quits yet. No one is here to pass judgement on you, I am not because I have been there and done that where you are at.

hey,
iam not here to judge any one of u because i was there once, and i put up with it too. why you ask i dont have a clue. maybe because i was scared to be alone or because i thought i would never be able to support my two boys alone, ormaybe because i simply still loved him for some weird and strange reason. i ve been married for 7 years. known my husband for over 10. my 3 years of boyfriend girlfriend relation ship were the best. he was the best, most nicest sweetest man in the world. i couldnt ask for more. i got pregnant we got married. after about 3 years of marriage we would fight alot and he would tell me things that would really piss me of till one day i hit him in the head. that occurred 3 times all 3 he said, dont do that to me because one day i ll will do it back to u. on the fourth time he got up slapped me and pushed me to the floor. honestly i think alot of it was my fault, i started this situation and i accept it. later behind my back my husband started using drugs. he got addicted. we would fight sometimes for not having money and others when we had the money for his drinking problem. from that day on till he went to jail 1 yr 4 months ago he probably hit me about ten times. 2 r the ones that i cant forget no matter how hard i try. i felt so humiliated. but stupidly i forgave him. those two i dont even want to describe because they hurt so much. well, when he was in his 5 senses without drugs he was the best man and father of the world. he would do anyhting at all and i mean anything for me. he had me terribly spoiled. that why in our boyfriend girlfriend relation ship i fell so much in love with him. well now he is in jail. i think and beleive he has changed alot. i want to give him one last chance, but now i know i can make it on my own any one can. now i know i am worth something. and i have promised my self, god and my kids without them knowing if he ever, ever lays his hand on me again, it will be the last time. promise. some of you might not beleive me but thats the truth. not one more time, not one more. i will not let my kids grow up with that life. my kids r whats most important in life, more than any man. god will guide me i know. best of luck to u all. and here was my story, i had to let it out. may god bless u all and guide u to the right choice.

adelize, you need to get a handle on all that hitting! You are as abusive as he is if you can't manage that. If he pisses you off that badly, or makes you feel so shrunken that you need to hit, then this is the wrong relationship. If his words hurt that much, then you need not to hear them. Get some serious counseling about your own problems and let him deal with his.

to nimuay,
to you well iam not at all upset of what your saying, your right. and beleive me since the first time he hit me back i never did it again. i guess well i learned my lesson and realized that it didnt matter how wonderful he was he was eventually going to respond like that, thats why i accept it, IT WAS ALL MY FAULT, i know, and you have no idea how much i regret my stupid actions. this was probaly 4 years ago and i realize i ruined that respect we had for each other. i love him very much and now that he is not here i relaiza that more than ever. i never did it again but he did, and it was all my fault, i caused it to my self. even though i changed he didnt . drugs were destroying his life. i know he has changed, no one knows him like i do. before he was a totally different man with all those drugs, now he is a changed man and well iam a changed mature woman. this year and 4 months has made me mature and has helped me grow a lot. i realiza alot of stupid actions and words. i know i have also changed. and beleive me that when god gives me a second chance to be agian with my honey i will enjoy it to the fullest. thanks for ur honesty. god bless u.

Iam still with my abuser thats all im gonna say on this thread so if you wanna talk more about it pm me ok Shelly

Iam still with my abuser thats all im gonna say on this thread so if you wanna talk more about it pm me ok Shelly
I just wanted to make a comment. ;) Sometimes I understand that it is hard to post in this forum because we tell people what they don't want to hear. It isn't because we believe we think we know better then someone else but because some of us have already lived out trying to remain with who abused us and we know from our own experiences that it wasn't a good deal, the abuse never ended but was sometimes re-routed, and we try to stop the next person from making the same mistakes we did. But it is by no means because we are trying to hurt you, make things rougher then they already are or to beat you down inside anymore then what you are.
Peace, sokie

i am still with mine and all i can say was i did plenty the only differnce is he didnt call the cops on me, and if he had i would have probably been where he is but since he has been gone i have got intense theropy and went into classes to learn how to control my anger plus i quit drinking, because i fell like he should not be the only one changing

I wish you a lot of luck uraqt, truly I do.

This is a scary subject.... I have been through it all. But I dont judge, i can't. Just know that God knows what he has planned for you. Prayer and faith.

This is a scary subject.... I have been through it all. But I dont judge, i can't. Just know that God knows what he has planned for you. Prayer and faith.

I try not to judge either but I doubt God has anything to do with a man making the choice to beat a woman like a dog. Sometimes you have to make choices for yourself, maybe God helps-maybe God doesn't......

I try not to judge either but I doubt God has anything to do with a man making the choice to beat a woman like a dog. Sometimes you have to make choices for yourself, maybe God helps-maybe God doesn't......
sooooo true!!!!

i am still with mine and all i can say was i did plenty the only differnce is he didnt call the cops on me, and if he had i would have probably been where he is but since he has been gone i have got intense theropy and went into classes to learn how to control my anger plus i quit drinking, because i fell like he should not be the only one changing


i totally hear everything your saying...
i sure did my share of irrational things...
and you're totally right, i would be in the same position as my husband if the tables were turned and he called the cops on me...

its really unfortunate...
he never did hit me...
but i sure laid into him in the battle and frustration....

and the saddest part about our system..that out of everything they never even ordered my husband to anger management...just prison...

wow! how rehabilitating! NOT!

You know what? I judge like hell! When I hear or see abuse I judge and keep judging. I talk to the victim, I point out the problem, I keep talking about how and where to get help. And I never believe someone who says they aren't a victim. That means my son, my friend's son, a girlfriend of mine - I don't care who. And I keep making those judgments until they're sick of me or they hear me. I don't yell, but I don't give in either. I don't believe in staying with an abuser, regardless of the "love" that exists. I had to wait 11 years for my son to hear me, and it wasn't the constant talk of conversation, but two or three times a year I'd say something again. Did I want him to be a divorced Dad? No, but I wanted his soul intact, and I wanted the grandkids to have a healthy father, not one whose sense of himself lived down to his wife's opinion of him.

that is crazy thats pretty much the same thing they did with mine :angry:

i totally hear everything your saying...
i sure did my share of irrational things...
and you're totally right, i would be in the same position as my husband if the tables were turned and he called the cops on me...

its really unfortunate...
he never did hit me...
but i sure laid into him in the battle and frustration....

and the saddest part about our system..that out of everything they never even ordered my husband to anger management...just prison...

wow! how rehabilitating! NOT!

Anger management is a useless course for abusers, so there's no reason to put them there. Battering programs are different, and have to be long, usually continued post-incarceration. Before the parties can live together again. And most of the men drop out as soon as their parole is over, without completing the courses of treatment. Eventually, all you end up with is a batterer who is more clever about putting his victim in the wrong and knows all the therapy-speak.

that is crazy thats pretty much the same thing they did with mine :angry:
:no:
So let me get this right.........they did this to him, he didn't do this to you or himself. :slap: Hello........

Wow... that's crazy. I honestly think... there are some people who AREN"T abused but are considered "victims." I'm sure alot of people SAY that, but at the same time alot of people MEAN it. I was pissed off at mine.. because he was drinking. I come from a police family, so my first reaction is get the police involved. I told them LIES, I told them that he hit me and whatever. I had no marks, no pictures were taken. Like you other girls.. I've done plenty to him. Shit, one time he spilled Kool-Aid on my khaki pants.. so I punched him in the jaw. I could of easily went to jail for that. For some stupid bull. Mine doesnt' abuse me, he doesn't hit me or degrade me. I made a mistake in getting the police involved and getting his ass in trouble - and I'm alot of people that pressed charges really does get abused, but I'm sure theres alot that don't get abused - it was a mistake or they were just pissed.
And something I hate.. when people judge me and say why am I with him. Because I"m only a "victim" because that's what it says on the report. I"m not really one. Don't judge - you don't know the real truth behind people's stories or why their significant other is locked up.

So for for forever and uraqt4us - hang in there girls! We're all going through the same thing...

I was married to my abuser. I was a victim while I stayed in the marriage, but the day I kicked him out of our home and filed for divorce I became a survivor. The first time he laid his hands on me was 12/9/00. The last time he touched me was 3/14/04. The day I moved him out was 3/15/04.

Now mind you that is the person who I am here to support and he is the man I love. Can we ever be together again? I don't know. Will doing 3-15 years in prison be the catalyst for him to choose to change his ways? I don't know.

What do I know you may ask. Well, I know that I will always love him no matter what, but that does not and will not mean that it will cost me physically, emotionally or mentally nor will it cost my son any of those things. However, I know that he is the father to my only child. I know that everyone deserves another chance. I know that he has been sober since 12/24/07 the day he was arrested after he committed the crimes that put him where he is today, which is the longest time he has been alcohol free. I know that I will be there for him as long as he continues to try to make his life work in a positive, alcohol and violent free manner.

Do you know what else I know? I will not be a victim again.

kpnct - if you look at the stickies at the top of the forum, you'll see one titled "Domestic Abuse By Women". If you read the statistics in there, you'll see that women are actually more abusive than men. It doesn't get much press, because men tend to do more damage physically, but it happens plenty.

And women are pretty bad with their tongues - it's still abuse. My mother never hit any one of us, but she was the most crippling talker you could ask for, and she damaged every one of us dreadfully.

You have the right not only to stand by your man, especially when he didn't actually abuse you, but to look for treatment for yourself! It is what we would want any man to do, and if you value anything about your relationship or yourself as a person you will find a therapist and really do you! Work on your stuff, so you can begin to be worthy of good love.

kpnct08 is it me or you that seems a little bit confused right now?. you actually started this thread by saying "I was a "victim"" , you did not say it was something THEY called you, you said "I was a victim" and now you appear to be claiming the role of "abuser". I am not "judging" I just don't really understand the turn this thread has taken.

i did just as bad to mine and once the cops get involved its all over they dont care if you lie they think we r just trying to cover its crazy and then the guys that deserve to be gone get let go
:confused:


So for for forever and uraqt4us - hang in there girls! We're all going through the same thing...

Yeah, but the lies go all sorts of directions in these cases. . . and because the consequences are so dire, they have to do something.

In each of your cases, what didn't happen was that you didn't think about how violence, whether his or yours, affects the whole social fabric. You did what most do - assumed it was your business and no-one else's. I've been on the other side, riding the ambulance to calls of domestic violence, and had to clean up the messes and transport the victims. . . sometimes it gives me nightmares. I know that wasn't in your thoughts when you allowed yourselves to be so angry, but there are others like me, in the ER, the therapists, families, whoa re seriously affected by what happens when someone gets *handled* by a domestic partner.

So.....what are you doing to prevent it from happening again? Your men will always have this following them now, and the presumption, after they get out, will always be against them. If you allow your anger to rule your lives, then your men will be back in prison again because of it.

i am attending a dv class and groups and also see a consulor because we both need to change for it to work and i am doing it on my own

Each and every one of us, have power. Power to direct our lives, power to make ourselves happy, power to stop ourselves being hurt, etc. The only way we lose that power, is if we allow someone to take it! You have to ask yourself, is that what you want? Statistics show, once a man lays his hands on a woman, it is very rare, it is an isolated incident, in other words, once you have been a victim of DV, you have a high chance of being so again!

You and you alone have the power to stop it. You have choices, you can stay, or you can walk away. No one can force you to take one path or another, only you know the answer. If children are involved, remember your choices, are their choices too, they cannot make them for themselves. The thing to remember is, will your child(ren) be happy with a mom who is mentally and emotionally a wreck, due to DV, or with a mom who is happier away from that kind of environment?

No one should ever judge anyone involved in a DV relationship. Love is a very powerful emotion, and once it gets hold of our hearts, it is hard to let go. Sometimes, for our own well being, sanity, our LIVES, we have to let it go. That is within your power to decided.

God bless you, I hope what ever decision you make, it will be the right one for you!

Good for you, uraqt4us!

kpnct08 is it me or you that seems a little bit confused right now?. you actually started this thread by saying "I was a "victim"" , you did not say it was something THEY called you, you said "I was a victim" and now you appear to be claiming the role of "abuser". I am not "judging" I just don't really understand the turn this thread has taken.


I was a "victim" in the cops eyes. I wasn't planning on starting off the thread with yeah I"m an abuser - which I"m not. EVERYONE has their arguments with their significant others. I choose to be physical because that's how I grew up with my brother. I am verbal as well, but then again.. who isn't? No one can say that they don't yell at their husband or wife, and say things they regret. So I guess everyone (who argues or gets in fights with their husband/wife) is an "abuser"???

I was a "victim" in the cops eyes. I wasn't planning on starting off the thread with yeah I"m an abuser - which I"m not. EVERYONE has their arguments with their significant others. I choose to be physical because that's how I grew up with my brother. I am verbal as well, but then again.. who isn't? No one can say that they don't yell at their husband or wife, and say things they regret. So I guess everyone (who argues or gets in fights with their husband/wife) is an "abuser"???

Kiddo, google "fighting fair". You will find out that what you think is normal isn't, necessarily. "Who isn't" is an out, an excuse. I, for one, do not consciously ever aim at someone else's soul to injure. I can have fights, arguments, discussions. None of them have to be abusive.

Neither are the police involved when "normal" dissagreements occur (in general). Or the need to "lie" to them, and , well, assume that others do the same. Again NOT a "judgement", just an observation.....

Wow... that's crazy. I honestly think... there are some people who AREN"T abused but are considered "victims." I'm sure alot of people SAY that, but at the same time alot of people MEAN it. I was pissed off at mine.. because he was drinking. I come from a police family, so my first reaction is get the police involved. I told them LIES, I told them that he hit me and whatever. I had no marks, no pictures were taken. Like you other girls.. I've done plenty to him. Shit, one time he spilled Kool-Aid on my khaki pants.. so I punched him in the jaw. I could of easily went to jail for that. For some stupid bull. Mine doesnt' abuse me, he doesn't hit me or degrade me. I made a mistake in getting the police involved and getting his ass in trouble - and I'm alot of people that pressed charges really does get abused, but I'm sure theres alot that don't get abused - it was a mistake or they were just pissed.
And something I hate.. when people judge me and say why am I with him. Because I"m only a "victim" because that's what it says on the report. I"m not really one. Don't judge - you don't know the real truth behind people's stories or why their significant other is locked up.
I can see where you are coming from here but I believe that is part of the reason that the laws have become so strict on domestic violence. Tempers flair, the police are used as some sort of vice to make whoever you are mad at understand that you are mad, and then they calm down and tell the truth that either it didn't happen or they actually made the first shove or gave the first hit. By the time the later has happened the charges have been filed and the 'victim' wants to make up with the 'abuser' (in which the victim has already stated 'is an abuser' or called the cops for back up). It isn't the polices job to decide if there was actually abuse but to take the statement, collect the evidence, put a safe plan in action so the 'victim' isn't hit or beat again, and let the judge or jury sort it out.
I see a lot of 'victims' mad at the system because 'their man was taken from them' and they curse the 'laws' that were made to protect the actual victims because they didn't think out what was going to happen when they dialed 911 out of anger.....or maybe even rethink that 'they love this man and will stand beside him threw anything and everything'.
Please forgive me here if I insult you or even seem rude but how can you get mad at people that judge you or they question you as to why you stay if you are the one that made the call, the report, or even signed a report that this was happening to you? I'm sure you or someone had to make that call or they wouldn't have just showed up to make the arrest...
And no, I don't believe every couple that argue or fight are actual abusers. But I do believe that calling the cops when it isn't happening only makes it harder on the one's who call when it is happening to them.
sokie

I begin to understand the turn in the thread went now, my problem was that when I lied it was to protect him (and myself from him) when others had called the police. But still.....

If anyone puts you in the position that you have to lie for them, they're probably the wrong person for you.

I absolutely, wholeheartedly AGREE Nim!!!!.

Was with him for 10 years before "my incident" happen, he's now doing 18 years in prison for what he did to me. Long story short, we still kept in touch due to our kids via letters (to a P O Box.) Last November i spoke to him on the phone after 9 years....and that old feeling came back. I know this might sound cliche but he sounds sooooo different sober. Long story even shorter.....I never stopped loving him but he sure scared the heck out of me......

liroje, is he the reason you found this site?

Nimuay: Yes. Reading some of the many forums has help me understand DV better. For example I never understood why someone would ever hurt their significant other after they just got thru telling them they loved them. In my case, my loved one had a serious-serious alcohol and insecurity problem and refused to get help. One hour i was with the man I feel in love with, the next hour (after a couple of 40 oz) he turned into a totally different person; mean, insensitive, careless, ruthless, pig-headed everything a sane person disliked but despite all I stayed by his side until my incident and even then...It hurt me to press charges but I had no other solution. Now, for the past 8 years he's a devoted christian, has accepted what he did to me, asked for my forgiveness, asked my mother to forgive him ( those 2 never got along in the past) My mother was in tears after their conversation...I could go on and on...all i can say is that I gave everything to my God and he's taking care of everything, slowly he's fixing what we messed up. It's been 9 years and I never remarried, what can I say, he owns my heart.

My husband had several DV cases with me before we even got married. I always thought it was because he "was too drunk", and that he was truly sorry, and would never do it again. He never did more than a few months in county jail. We got married last year. Two months after we were married, he strangled me, and tried to kill me. He has been in jail for a year, and was just sentenced to 5 years in prison for attempted murder. I tried my best to get the charges reduced and / or dropped. The DA wanted him to do 18 years. The DA said that his violence was escalating, and that next time, he WILL kill me. It breaks my heart, because I still love him. Yes, he is so good most of the time, but when he snaps, he goes crazy. I tried to get him into a recovery home instead of prison. The judge said NO WAY. Too many priors. He won't be out of prison for probally at least 3 years. And, I am waiting for him, still hoping that he will get help, and change. Nobody seems to agree with me, that he will change. If he comes back to me, he will either be a diffrent man, or he will kill me? It's a crap shoot.

to nimuay,
to you well iam not at all upset of what your saying, your right. and beleive me since the first time he hit me back i never did it again. i guess well i learned my lesson and realized that it didnt matter how wonderful he was he was eventually going to respond like that, thats why i accept it, IT WAS ALL MY FAULT, i know, and you have no idea how much i regret my stupid actions. this was probaly ........ i know i have also changed. and beleive me that when god gives me a second chance to be agian with my honey i will enjoy it to the fullest. thanks for ur honesty. god bless u.


Wow! Adeliz, I beg to differ with you. It was NOT YOUR FAULT - there is no excuse, ever, for a man to hit a woman. Perhaps you provoked him and pushed him to that point; but, he should have been able to walk away.

There are a LOT of good posts in this forum and I am glad I came to it! My situation is similar to some and seems to be the most difficult to get out of. We were together years ago - we have a daughter who turned nineteen this year. I will try to make long story short -

Like most abusive men, he knows how to work me. He is an extremist - his good is really really good; however, his bad is really really bad. Years ago I was beat with a closed fist for giving some of my oldest sons clothes to my sons dad as he was spending the weekend with him, a normal thing if you ask me. Once he kicked the door in at my dad's house and beat me in front of my son, who was then four years old. Why? Because I went to a church camp for the weekend and my ex-husband went also. Later, when I became pregnant with our daugther I was able to stay away from him in an effort to protect my unborn child. As he has a very strong drug addiction he did his first tour of state time just after my daughter was born. When he got out, things started again. Then, parole violation - off he goes! This time I did not see him and we moved; but, I started having dreams about two weeks or month before he got out.

We didn't see him for a few more years; then, we briefly saw him again - for about a week and off he went again. This time I ignored his letters and no contact until three years ago. I would have married him then - he had done more time, went thru residential rehab and seemed to be a different person. Slowly the controlling comments started coming, anger, etc. and after only 2 months of living with me again, the abuse was starting - a little push, name calling, throw all my things out of the drawers, etc.

Anyway, it escalated and off he went again. Now, three years later I continue to battle with the "I love him" and want to "fix" him. Maybe he doesn't want to be fixed!!! He is once again locked up - same reasons - and may get out in a week or so. What will I do? I hope I can be strong enough to stay away from him and NOT allow him to intimidate me. I am worth so much more than to be treated that way and I think all women who are abused need to realize that they are also. Sorry for the rambling - good thing I cut this short, huh??? LOL

Good Luck Adeliz -

Liz

w8n4mylove: I can relate exactly..mine didn't have any priors though but he did enough in one night to get 18 years. The first few years, I was in the "fear, Paranoid, everyone is out to get me" stage I've overcomed my fears now and here I am...waiting for him.....as for your husband changing.....its a 50/50 chance that only you can wager. People will give you statistics, stories, opinions etc....but ultimately is your decision. No one feels what you feel or how/why you feel it, Love is a very strong emotion!!!

No one can say that they don't yell at their husband or wife, and say things they regret.


Kpnct - I disagree. In my situation, I could voice my opinion - usually over the phone because he would tell me something to the effect that sure you talk that way to me over the phone - tell me in person. And then, he would proceed to remind me he could snap me in two. He constantly says things to berate me, then he secretly made intimate videos, and then sent me pics/videos of other naked women. I can't recall one time I said something to intentionally hurt him. And, as I was trying to more than once tell him it was over and he would stalk me, superglue the key hole to my office door, call me all night long - I would always let him walk. The last time he hit me, I told him not to come over and he did anyway. He wanted me to come outside with him and I said no. So, he grabbed me by the neck and hit me - almost knocked me down. He leaves, and as I am headed to the bedroom my youngest son is already on the phone calling the police. I told him to hang it up and let him go.

Unfortunately, his drug addition and insecurities drive his anger - not me. All I do is tell him I want out and he refuses to accept it. Last summer his parole officer warned me - said he was concerned because of his obsession and anger toward me. Do I love him? Yeah, always will... and, I only want him to have good things in life. But, I am smart enough to know that unless there are some serious changes it will never work for us. And, that is what's hard for him to understand - I don't say mean things and still love him - so, he thinks I should want to be with him. Can't though as it's not healthy.

My husband had several DV cases with me before we even got married. ............And, I am waiting for him, still hoping that he will get help, and change. Nobody seems to agree with me, that he will change. If he comes back to me, he will either be a diffrent man, or he will kill me? It's a crap shoot.



W8NG - do you really want to be a statistic? Think about it... seriously think about it

I know how it feels to love him so much that you can't think about anything else. I would never put anyone down for feeling love. Even after all I went through part of me still misses him and worries about him and probably still loves him. But my brain reminds me that I could of died. Now how I look at it, its either me loving him or me loving me! I pick me!

i can't judge anyone. I can only share before i met the man I am with now I stayed with my abuser from the 9th grade all the way up until my 21st birthday I am 26 now. i loved him and tried to be there for him I rationalized every beating, rape and emontial tear down he would give me. I would say it was something I said, something I wore , how I acted ,my tone of voice. People would tell me to leave him and i would get upset because they didn't " understand " our bond . I thought i was really being ride or die for him. Don't get me wrong he wasn't a monster all times he did wonderful things for me, but i soon realzied the wonderful things always conisided with the hell he put me in. A broken rib warranted a trip to Jamaica and some diamonds, A broken nose I got a care. Screaming at me at a family function equaled a shopping trip to NYC.

Like I said sweetheart I can't judge you because i was there all up until I woke up in the hospital and the drs told me I lost the child i didn't know i was carrying . It was then I realized that i was capable of bringing another person into this life that i was ok with. That's when i got mad, how could he say he loved me then damn near kill me, and would this continue if i did bring the baby in the world he wanted so badly and what would i teach them.

Would my daughter think that violence from a man was ok?And brusies and scars were ok to have and were badges of honor that came with being a ride or die chick ? Would my son think that women could only be reasoned with by using his hands. It took awhile for me to walk away but i did it, with my life . I can't tell you to leave your abuser because I don't know your story , but what I can tell you is that I left mine and the first few months were so hard, but then God sent me a Warrior Angel who is the man I am with now , who shows me everyday that I am worth more than A fist in my ribs, or a harsh word to crush my spirit. I'll be keeping you in my prayers so that you can find the best path for yourself