i have a little problem that i need some feedback on. see several years ago i was engaged to someone who in a fit of rage did extensive damage to my jaw. he is going before the parole board soon and they want me to write a letter. now here is my delimia i have since fallen head over heals for a wonderful man who is in prison also (not the same one) and i would not want someone writing a letter that would keep him in prison. i want justice but at what cost. before my current love i would have wanted him to rot in jail but now i have a different perspective. i can see it from his loved ones eyes. anyone who can please help. or any suggestions on what to write?:confused:

I have never been in your shoes but I think the decision isn't one you should make totally based on your emotions. Do you think your ex has been in long enough for what he did to you? Has he 'paid' in a sense? Do you think he is still a threat to people? If you wrote the letter would it be because you truly feel that this is a man who is still dangerous? Or was your wanting him to rot just a personal reaction about what happened all those years ago? I can understand that you don't want to cause his family pain but if you know this man is going to hurt someone else then you have to stand up for that. My question would be how can you know if you don't have any contact with him now? good luck deciding what to write. Just follow your conscience,

I agree with grasshopper. You have a lot of questions to ask yourself,and whatever ends up, i'm sure it will be for the best for YOU. Remember what happened, and decide if u think hes a threat to anyone or if like grasshopper said, "paid" his time. I wish i had more advicec. Good luck

I had to testify against my abuser. All the letters that had "Love, Brenda" in them were used against me in court! And I had to read them out loud, I was pissed. Then I sent a picture of me and my Mom together, and that was blown up on an easle!! I still haven't told my Mom that. Why the stupid attorney used that picture, I do not know.

As far as writing the parole board in an attempt to help him be free once again, that is up to you. Do you think he will hurt you again? You have to think of what you have gone through.

I personally am not doing my abuser any favors so he can get out and do it again to me, or someone else. Especially if he has hurt me in some way that cannot be undone.

i was not thinking of writing him the parole board wants me to write them to help with treir desion

I agree with the questions that grasshopper brought up. Thing is though, that there are good guys in there just like there are creeps. There is a big difference and we all know that. It would be totally different if a woman was writing a letter to the parole board to keep him in there out of a vendetta, but that doesn't sound like what your case is at all. If your gut has doubts about whether or not you would be safe, then more than likely your gut is sending you that feeling for a reason. I personally think I would rather be safe than sorry, but it isn't my decision and I am not in your shoes. Do you honestly think that he ever WANTED to change? I believe that everyone has the right to turn their life around but they have to REALLY, and I stress REALLY WANT to change. It is really easy too to go through the motions, but if your heart isn't in the right place, none of it does any good and that is when they go back to their same ol' ways. I think if you are at all fearful I would say so. You could always just write them too and let them know that being that you haven't had contact with him that you are unsure if he should be released out of not knowing or not if he has in fact been "rehabilitated". I don't know, that is such a tough one! I hope it all works out for the best which ever way you choose!

thanks for the insight i am not sure what i will do

I agree with everyone in here and you do indeed have a hard decision ahead of you. But, what if you simply state what happened... tell the truth without emotion.. and then, well if you havent talked to him since... SAY that. Tell them you have no clue as to the kind of person he has become if you don't really know. Try not to make any emotional guesses about him unless of course you feel this person will come back after you and then say so, or if you feel he will do this again you can say he poses a threat. No you don't want to hurt his family or loved one, but what about the next victim if you don't think he will stop or change? Be honest and unemotional. I don't think his freedom will lie soley on what you alone have to say... they may be using it more as a guide lines to see if he has changed. I make only guesses but I hope it helps. I really think though that if you havent had contact with him the best thing to do is to say what happened and say next that you know nothing about him anymore or what person he had become or if he has changed. You were simply doing as asked. What can it hurt? The board will make the final decision based on their opinions anyways so you could call him a fluffy, fat, santa for all they care and it might not help or hurt either way. But then, is this letter optional? If so, which will you regret more? Not writing it or writing it?

~Lost~

What happens if you don't do anything? They should be able to make some type of determination from his unit leader, counselor and people who see him day in and day out? If he has been a model prisoner, gotten some type of therapy while inside, they should have their answer. If you have no need to get involved, then I probably wouldn't put myself out there. How would you know what changes he has or hasn't made after all of these years?

i don't understand this. help me out here. why would the parole board want you to write a letter. i have never heard of the paraole board contacting a victim.. please tell us who is asking you to make this decision?

i don't understand this. help me out here. why would the parole board want you to write a letter. i have never heard of the paraole board contacting a victim.. please tell us who is asking you to make this decision?

Victims always have a right to be heard. They always give the victim the ability to protest someone being granted parole by writing a victim impact statement.

My ex is not in prison because of me, (although he should be!), he commited a crime and that is why he is there. If I were in the same situation as you, knowing what I know, I think that I would just walk away from it. I don't think that I would do anything. If in fact you do write a letter, and he gets out anyway, which could very well happen, that would only stir up feelings of resentment in him and he may want to be vengeful. This would only put you in jeapordy. You could always explain this to the parole board that this is the reason that you do not want to be involved. The outcome would be the same, as they would then realize how dangerous it would be to have him on the street. The decision would be altogether theirs and you would not be part of it at all. It would be entirely on them. In thinking about my ex, my first thoughts always go to the poor girl who will become his next victim when he gets out! And believe me there will be another and another and another. Abusers always abuse. They do not change! As I said, I would do nothing. If they insist on a response, just respond with the fact that you are more concerned with your safety and are affraid of retaliation if they should decide to release him.

Just a heads-up - this thread began 3 1/2 years ago.

The discussion is still valid, the questions are always on our minds, but don't expect a reply from the originator. ;-)

I would write the letter if I felt that he was no longer a threat and if I truly forgave him. But if you believe that he has not changed, then I wouldnt write it.
But I would talk to him first.