View Full Version : What's your opinion?


Tahnzie
06-04-2008, 11:32 AM
I have an issue that bothers me and I've went back and forth for awhile with this and I'm trying to figure out if I'm over reacting.

From the women I'd like to know how they'd feel in the same situation and from the men, especially ex-inmates if they feel the situation is reasonable.

Ted and I have been writing for 2 years and 9 months. We did vaguely know each other when we were teenagers (about 25 years ago) but we never had any type of relationship until we started writing after he'd been in prison for 6 1/2 years.

For the first 2 years and 1 month I received letters.. in the begining sometimes as many as 3 or 4 a week. Then as time went by it went down and averaged about 1 a week for probably about a year and a half.

Last September we were mislead by our attorney and believed that he would be able to have his sentence modified and he'd be coming here on house arrest. I didnt know anything at all about the system and did not realize that this was a VERY slim chance and both of us honestly believed that he'd be home in a matter of a few weeks. Obviously, that did not happen and the prosecutor denied his request for house arrest even with all of the schooling and programs he's completed.

Two weeks after that my mom died. He barely knew her but he said that it was very similar to the situation when his mom died and it brought back a lot of bad memories; not to mention that I'm sure I was less than supportive for a while afterwards... just trying to come to terms with what had happened. (It was VERY unexpected and took me completely by surprise.)

So for the last 8 months I've gotten very few letters.. in fact maybe 3 or 4 letters and 2 or 3 cards. He calls every Sunday and never misses; he tells me he still loves me and the cards are all extremely sweet and he writes loving stuff in them.

I've tried to take his explanation and not question it and give him the benefit of the doubt and give him the space to do what he needs, but it's very hard to not feel like it has something to do with ME and his feelings FOR me.

The reasons he gave were that with school (he's in college for his BA in business) the extra duties he has as a mentor in the PLUS dorm and the work he has to do (he was raking the forest for a bit this winter... I'm not even making that up!!) combined with the "funk" he's been feeling has just made it impossible for him to sit and write to me. He said when he DOES sit down to write it's always so negative that he doesn't end up mailing it.

When I'm talking to him on the phone or in a visit everything FEELS fine. Nothing weird or out of place, so I dont really understand WHY the lack of letter thing bothers me so badly when I get to talk to him every week end.

I love and trust him more than anyone I've ever known; but I don't know when my trust and attempt at understanding moves over the line into being naive and not wanting to see what should be clear.

Thank you for any advice.. sometimes I get so sad and I dont want to dump all that on him when he calls. I want him to WANT to call, not dread it because I might be being insecure again!!!

Tahnzie

AlwaysUs2011
06-04-2008, 12:48 PM
Aww, I am sorry you are going through this. Maybe when he sees you at visits and he hears your voice it is like you are right there with him. (obviously in visits you are) Maybe when he writes to you it makes him miss you. It sounds to me he is being pretty honest. He is still calling, telling you what's going on. I would bet he really is depressed and down. I can tell when my man is down, I usually get 5 letters a week, and on weeks he is down or depressed I only get a couple. How often do you visit? Have you wrote him and expressed how you feel? He might not realize what the letters mean to you. I don't think I would talk to him about it during a call, since everything seems to be fine, but would definitely write it in a letter. Good Luck! Keep your head up!

StarEyez33
06-04-2008, 01:34 PM
Are you writing to him and he's not replying to your letters?? With me, I have stopped writing, I'm just too busy so he has stopped writing as well. We still talk on the phone and see each other on visits but I can't really give him grief about the letters because I'm not writing either. So if its bothering you because your writing and he's not then explain how you feel and why you feel that way but if its bothering you and your not writing to him either, do you really think thats fair?? Sometimes we make a mountain out of molehill and when you take a step back and really look at the situation you realize it isn't that serious. If you are getting what you need from the relationship despite the lack of letters, I wouldn't dwell too hard on this.

Tahnzie
06-04-2008, 02:36 PM
Thank you both so much!

When he was writing I wrote about 3 times a week, but he was only calling every other week at that time. Now I write about once a week. I'd stopped writing for awhile since he wasn't; but the difference between him and I is that while writing I feel closer to him. So for my own benefit I go ahead and write whenever I feel like it. He told me that I didn't have to write since he wasn't right now. Writing for him has always been a chore; he said it takes him 3 hours to write a letter that is eqaul to about 5 or 10 mintes of conversation. (He was saying that even back when he was writing.)

I go see him about once a month. With gas the way it is I cant really afford more. Although I did see him this past Sunday and it had only been two weeks. And that was the first time he'd went into a LOT of detail when I asked him about plans for when he gets out. He not only responded to that but started talking about how he'd like to get my house paid off in the first 3 or 4 years so that we can have collateral to get something out in the country. (He's been offered a Union job when he gets out and wants to keep the rest of our expenses as low as possible and pay huge amounts toward the mortgage.)

So like I said... everything else seems fine. I just keep thinking about how much it HELPS me to write him and it seems like it would help him too.

Tabby, it never occured to me that writing may make him miss me MORE. That is a very good point. I also know that he is really depressed, and has been that way since we got the bad news about house arrest in September; it's actually what he calls the "funk." (I don't really think he'd use the word depressed..but I could be wrong.)

And lastly, I have discussed this with him many times and in great detail. That is actually how I got the information about why he isnt writing. He Swears it has nothing to do with me.

I guess I'll have to accept it and go on. I wanted to know what others thought because years ago I was in a terrible relationship (my son's father) and although he wasn't in prison I made excuse after excuse for his behavior; I just never want to fall into that trap again!

Thank you again, you've both helped a lot.

Tahnzie

socal mom
06-04-2008, 03:21 PM
Tahnzie -- It seems to me you answered your own question. You said he told you it was really hard for him to write letters and takes him a long time to put one together.
Remember in high school (and that has been a heck of a long time for me) when the
guys would drag their feet on essays or writing assignments? I think for a lot of men it is just hard to write a letter. So you have him calling and your visits are good.
Accept that if you can, and be happy those things are good. Maybe if you ask him questions or give him something to write about it would help. Since their days are the same pretty much, over and over, it probably is hard to think of something to write that isn't depressing. Sounds like he loves you- go with that. Good luck.
Do keep writing to him though if you can, even if he is not returning letters. Mail to them means a lot.

AlwaysUs2011
06-04-2008, 04:25 PM
Is it possible you have a hidden fear from your ex? And maybe you are just reading too much into this? I would say if he is talking about a future with YOU then what he is saying to you is true. Like someone else suggested, maybe go to the mail forum, and get a few questionaire's off there, it will GIVE him something to write about. I think maybe you are just going through an insecure part in your relationship, and that's ok, I think many people do. :grouphug: to you!

katydidsbro
06-04-2008, 04:56 PM
He said when he DOES sit down to write it's always so negative that he doesn't end up mailing it.

Maybe he's telling the truth on this. If he's depressed and the letters that he writes are full of his pain and anger, he may not want to push that off onto you, especially since there's really not much that you could do about it, except worry about him. Do you really want him to share that with you, and can you handle it if he does? If yes, then let him know that you want to hear whatever he has to say, even the negative stuff. Just be sure that this is what you want because, if you push for it and then change your mind, that may feel to him like you're pushing him away.


Kay

Tahnzie
06-04-2008, 06:59 PM
The responses I've gotten from you all are EXACTLY what I need to hear. Not the "he's a loser anyway so if he doesn't do WHAT you want, WHEN you want, then forget about him." Which I'm sure you all know is what most people who aren't in our position say.

I always make sure I ask 3 or 4 questions that if he answered them and said nothing else would be at least some kind of a letter. And I've told him that's why I do it. In these past few months that doesn't seem to have been enough. If he weren't so forthcoming with me I don't know that I'd be able to deal with it even as well as I am.

And Yes Tabby, the 10 years of hell I endured with my ex, mentally not physically, but scars are scars, have left me with the fear that I'll be in a similar situation again before I realize it. I've even told Ted that the insecuritites that I have are not from one thing HE'S done; it's all about the past.

Ted is great about it, well in my book. He doesn't tell me a load of crap and swear that he'll make it up to me. He tells me he loves me and he understands and that my insecurity will not push him away. BUT there is nothing he can say or do until he actually gets here to prove to me that he DOES love me and will never give me reasons to be insecure. (My friend thinks it's a cop out on his part, that he says that stuff so he wont have to deal with it. But he DOES deal with it; when I'm upset and crying he listens and lets me know he understands WHY I feel that way, but with him there is no reason TO feel that way.) I feel comforted by what I feel is his complete honesty. To me it means more because it would be a lot easier for him to say tons of sweet stuff and then never follow through.

Sorry all of my posts are like books!! It is silly on my part but to have other's opinions that aren't negative and completely against him has really helped me feel like, once again, it IS my fear more so than anything he's actually done.

He is SO great, funny, sweet, smart, interesting, different and he melts my heart just to see him smile. I don't want to mess this up because of some thing that has nothing to do with him. I guess it's hard to figure out why such a GREAT guy can love me, when a complete asshole couldn't quite accomplish it!!!

You guys are great too... I like that I can get honest answers here....

Thanks again!!!!
Tahnzie