I have learned a lot in the little time I have been on this site but the fact still remains that sometimes I run across someone at group counseling that is still clinging to the idea that their abuser will change. :shrug:
What is the correct way to tell them that they are living in a fantasy and that dark makeup isn't hiding that 2 week old black eye? How do you make them understand that seeing their children in that situation upsets me because I am a living statistic that sometimes staying can kill them?
I know they are there for the same reasons that I am and that the professionals running the place are in control but I am asking for help from you here on how to talk to these people when they try to be my friend and it is taking everything I have not to drive them away with my own feelings on their situation.
Any suggestions will help me. sokie

That's one of the hardest things in the world- You can't rescue someone who won't grab the rope.

All you can really do is be supportive of HER, not her relationship, HER- Cheer everytime she's done something for herself, even if it's nothing more than having had coffee with a friend,, listen, and whenever the chance comes up say something about how rare it is for these things to get better.... You might ask one of the counselors for some advice, too, about how to respond without reinforcing her fantasy.

Sokie, I feel like Iam one of those people that you are trying to reach. All I can say is probably more than anyone in my life your support is incredibly important to me. I lie to people in my life but when I come here I can tell the truth. I know everyone wants me to leave but I can't......I don't even want to .......I just want him to be the man he is 95% of the time all of the time cause that 5% monster is what I am struggling with.

Sokie, LeBeau said you can't rescue someone who won't grab the rope but you can always leave the rope there.

You are dear to me. More than you can imagine. And I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Tamitha

alas sokie, there is no best way whatsoever. when i was with mine and was considering leaving (key word )i had a friend who approched me and spoke her mind . i did not leave,mentioned her to x.....the poor girl paid the price.not that i meant to tell on her, i only mentioned her when i started to confront x.
abuse does not occur on a day by day basis. in my case there were times when for two weeks he was mister charm,to flip suddenly to mister jekkil. this is how they manipulate.
talking straight to someone might put you in danger too.not all abusers are in jail and if she goes back to him(which means that her right time has not come and that she is still doubting herself ,that she is still under the impression that he can change) and do what i did....you do not need this kind of trouble.
in my case what worked is when people made indirect remarks,because these remarks did lead me to start to think.the one which gave me a serious reality check was<oh my!what has happened to you!look at you,in what shape you are!>no mention about x nor about abuse but that evening i looked at myself in the mirror...and thought.
you do have a great heart sokie, not everyone would feel concerned for others after you went thru, but remember always that behind the facade offered by others there are severly battered souls,in need of help yes, but in need of their own inner strength to fight, think and say:enough! lebeau gave you good advices. take care,roch

Think back, luv. What words would have convinced you? Do you think anyone could have said anything to convince you that you could not change him? Until the pain outweighs the hope nothing can happen.

You wait. You offer help, you provide an out. You give her reading material like the book (in the stickies) that I love so much, and print out "I Got Flowers Today". You simply be there, like we were for you, waiting for your moment when the balance tips and she will take your help.

The worst thing you can do is tell someone to leave.... They will resent you and not do it. they have to leave when they are ready. People can change but i believe that they wont change while your in a relationship with them, there needs to be seperation and time for healing and growth.
Tell her your concerns and tell her that your there for her no matter what...........

I appreciate your replies.
No Tamitha I wasn't talking about you but now that you have opened the door....Just messing with you!:ha: I wasn't ready to go until I was ready so I try not to be real pushy with anyone. You know I will aways be around these boards to give you whatever support I can. :grouphug:
I can't remember if I told everyone that my parents left me alone for 2 weeks so all the doctors, therapists, and counselors in my life are trying to keep me extra busy. I am spending extra time at the shelter helping with paperwork, filing, whatever they can think of...:rolleyes: So I am going to keep in mind what everyone has suggested so I don't express my personal opinions on anyone's situation.
I try my hardest to avoid one lady and her 2 children. She feels the need to tell me that the best thing for her to do is to return to 'her man'. There is no way I see that to be true since she has road rash over most of her body from being pushed from a moving car while her children were in the back seat. :mad: I so badly want to take her by the hand, drive a couple miles and introduce her to my Pam since she could very well be planted right beside her...but I won't. :(