I have learned a lot in the little time I have been on this site but the fact still remains that sometimes I run across someone at group counseling that is still clinging to the idea that their abuser will change. :shrug:
What is the correct way to tell them that they are living in a fantasy and that dark makeup isn't hiding that 2 week old black eye? How do you make them understand that seeing their children in that situation upsets me because I am a living statistic that sometimes staying can kill them?
I know they are there for the same reasons that I am and that the professionals running the place are in control but I am asking for help from you here on how to talk to these people when they try to be my friend and it is taking everything I have not to drive them away with my own feelings on their situation.
Any suggestions will help me. sokie

That's one of the hardest things in the world- You can't rescue someone who won't grab the rope.

All you can really do is be supportive of HER, not her relationship, HER- Cheer everytime she's done something for herself, even if it's nothing more than having had coffee with a friend,, listen, and whenever the chance comes up say something about how rare it is for these things to get better.... You might ask one of the counselors for some advice, too, about how to respond without reinforcing her fantasy.

Sokie, I feel like Iam one of those people that you are trying to reach. All I can say is probably more than anyone in my life your support is incredibly important to me. I lie to people in my life but when I come here I can tell the truth. I know everyone wants me to leave but I can't......I don't even want to .......I just want him to be the man he is 95% of the time all of the time cause that 5% monster is what I am struggling with.

Sokie, LeBeau said you can't rescue someone who won't grab the rope but you can always leave the rope there.

You are dear to me. More than you can imagine. And I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Tamitha

alas sokie, there is no best way whatsoever. when i was with mine and was considering leaving (key word )i had a friend who approched me and spoke her mind . i did not leave,mentioned her to x.....the poor girl paid the price.not that i meant to tell on her, i only mentioned her when i started to confront x.
abuse does not occur on a day by day basis. in my case there were times when for two weeks he was mister charm,to flip suddenly to mister jekkil. this is how they manipulate.
talking straight to someone might put you in danger too.not all abusers are in jail and if she goes back to him(which means that her right time has not come and that she is still doubting herself ,that she is still under the impression that he can change) and do what i did....you do not need this kind of trouble.
in my case what worked is when people made indirect remarks,because these remarks did lead me to start to think.the one which gave me a serious reality check was<oh my!what has happened to you!look at you,in what shape you are!>no mention about x nor about abuse but that evening i looked at myself in the mirror...and thought.
you do have a great heart sokie, not everyone would feel concerned for others after you went thru, but remember always that behind the facade offered by others there are severly battered souls,in need of help yes, but in need of their own inner strength to fight, think and say:enough! lebeau gave you good advices. take care,roch

Think back, luv. What words would have convinced you? Do you think anyone could have said anything to convince you that you could not change him? Until the pain outweighs the hope nothing can happen.

You wait. You offer help, you provide an out. You give her reading material like the book (in the stickies) that I love so much, and print out "I Got Flowers Today". You simply be there, like we were for you, waiting for your moment when the balance tips and she will take your help.

The worst thing you can do is tell someone to leave.... They will resent you and not do it. they have to leave when they are ready. People can change but i believe that they wont change while your in a relationship with them, there needs to be seperation and time for healing and growth.
Tell her your concerns and tell her that your there for her no matter what...........

I appreciate your replies.
No Tamitha I wasn't talking about you but now that you have opened the door....Just messing with you!:ha: I wasn't ready to go until I was ready so I try not to be real pushy with anyone. You know I will aways be around these boards to give you whatever support I can. :grouphug:
I can't remember if I told everyone that my parents left me alone for 2 weeks so all the doctors, therapists, and counselors in my life are trying to keep me extra busy. I am spending extra time at the shelter helping with paperwork, filing, whatever they can think of...:rolleyes: So I am going to keep in mind what everyone has suggested so I don't express my personal opinions on anyone's situation.
I try my hardest to avoid one lady and her 2 children. She feels the need to tell me that the best thing for her to do is to return to 'her man'. There is no way I see that to be true since she has road rash over most of her body from being pushed from a moving car while her children were in the back seat. :mad: I so badly want to take her by the hand, drive a couple miles and introduce her to my Pam since she could very well be planted right beside her...but I won't. :(

dont pretend u dont see the bruises ask directly what happened but dont speak like ur accusing her or expecting a lie n dont act as if u dont believe her when she tell u a lie just ask oh what happened like u would if u didnt know she is being beaten its not her answer thats important its the flash back she will get to what really happened she will have that sick feeling she will remember how much she hated him at that moment n d more she gets that feeling the sooner she will leave

New members won't know this, probably, so I need to take a second for a quick history lesson....

This thread, and many others, will remain on the forum and open because the discussions in them are so important and could be of help to heaven knows how many

BUT

The person who posted this thread did not exist- Sokiegirl was a fraud. I feel very badly that anyone could feel so horribly alone and inadequate that they'd need to carry out a ruse like this, but this was not the first time this individual did this kind of thing and I don't want anyone reading back and getting swept up in Sokie's story because, while horrible things happen every day and every day ordinary women do amazingly brave things to shake off the chains and make a new path, the things discussed in her threads did not happen to her and she did not make the amazing leaps of courage described.....
but those of us who really are flesh and blood and bone CAN make such leaps into a new life and we can, in our turn, help others to do so.

Huh, why would anyone want to pretend to live this?

I'll never understand it myself, but it happens, it actually often the result of a genuine mental illness (not yet recognized by the DSM, but still quite real), Munchausen by Internet (http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/articles/chronic/faking.html) and it leaves a lot of caring people scratching their heads and thinking twice before they reach out to someone in pain, for fear that it's another game.... and that's a crying shame.


Whoever that person really is, I really do feel sorry for them, but I'm also still angry that they took so much energy and trust with their lies that could've been spilled out on a true story.


But none of this takes away from the perfectly valid question of "How do you talk to an abused friend about leaving her abuser?"

Truth is you cant talk your friend into leaving an abuser. The harder you try and convince her to leave the more she clings. When a person attacts the abuser by talking badly about them, the victim tends to feel the need to defend them. I know. Been there done that. the most a person can do for thier friend is BE THERE FOR THEM, sometimes never saying a word, but listening only... Never judging, never ridiculing, never analizing the relationship. When she is ready to walk away she will, you cant save her,,,,, you can only pray that she gets out in time,,,,,,,,,, and when she does get out, dont tell her your so glad she finally left,,,,, just tell her your proud of her and leve it at that!!!

My best friend opened my eyes! Apparently she knew for a long time about the physical abuse and tried to be subtle about her opinion and my options but one day it all just got to be too much! I showed up at work wearing a long sleeve lab coat ( I am a person bothered very much by intense heat). No one else was there yet for our shift. The night nurses were busy winding things up for change of shift, so Gloria took me into an exam room, shut the door and INSISTED I take off the jacket!

She wasn't hearing that I was cold, or needed it to hide my weight, nope! She demanded I take it OFF... and when I did, we both cried. She told me this, "Today is the day you report this @#!*!*!##@ to the cops! No more of this!" She called the police, requested a female officer, then she went to get the ER Doc, brought him in, and that day my life changed!

Before that morning, I did not know how I was going to get away! I had thought of various schemes but none seemed full proof. Gloria started the beginning of the end and was with me through the entire ordeal until I decided to go home and put my life back together.

She did not say much about the abuser per se. Her silence kind of said it all actually. One day she did say that if it had been her, she would have turned the gun on him and pulled the trigger, and she asked me where I got the strength to not shoot him!!
My reply was that I have no idea how to work a gun!