View Full Version : Does your family accept your Violent Offender?


Jillian
05-26-2008, 07:40 PM
How does your family feel about your loved ones crime/title? Has anyone who has known him prior feelings changed? Do they think negative of him now that he is incarcerated? Has any of your family tried to encourage you to leave him?

At first some of the family were upset with him, but seeing that i have forgiven my husband the majority have as well. there are still some who are still skeptical about how he will be once he gets released. Its like i told them we all make mistakes and if there isn't someone who is willing to give them a chance, then how can they want to make a change.

Thanks for sharing

PTO-92958
05-26-2008, 08:38 PM
Well, although he is in for a non-violent drug charge, I do have family with an opinion.
They knew him before, and liked him just fine. We split up for a few years and got back together after he had caught this bid and already done 4 years on it.
They were supportive in many ways, helping to provide transportation for me to visit, but at the same time, they were wary of me being so intimately involved and comitted to a man in prison. They didn't see him as a bad person, but never dealt with the system before and had a hard time accepting their daughter being 100% comitted to someone who could potentially be gone for a very long time. And also, they had witnessed me in 2 very abusive relationships previously and didn't want to see me hurt again.
It's been 3 years we've been together again, and they are quite a bit more understanding than at first. They see me happy...truly happy...for the first time in my life. They see that he is good to me and for me...that we are good for each other. Of course, they still want to reserve their ultimate opinion until they see us together out here in the world again.
there are still some who are still skeptical about how he will be once he gets released.
...and of course, there will always be that too...show and prove...that's what all our families want to see, I think.
The ones who worry about us most want to see our men come home and not repeat the same destructive patterns as before...the lure of easy money, violence, addiction...whatever it was that made our loved ones end up in prison in the first place.

MurphyGirl
05-26-2008, 09:27 PM
My family loved hubby before he went in, got pretty irate afterward, but have gone back to loving him again!
I'm sure there's some feelings that haven't been expressed to me, but they can keep it to themselves. I am not eaxactly thrilled with my siblings choice of spouse either come to think of it!


ann

HesMyForever
05-26-2008, 09:31 PM
Its like i told them we all make mistakes and if there isn't someone who is willing to give them a chance, then how can they want to make a change.


So very true!!!

My man and I are MWI...so no one in my family knew him before we were together. My mom is skeptical, and is not too happy that I'm involved with someone that has a VO history. And she's not too happy that we're MWI either. She's not tried to talk me out of being with him, but she does roll her eyes or make snide comments when I talk about him...well, used to. Lately she's not been that bad, since he wrote her a letter. I figure in time she will see that he is a person that has made mistakes in his life but is working on making a change for the better.

robs_angel
05-26-2008, 09:51 PM
My "family" hates it, just a couple know hes in for murder, but ya they dont have to live my life and i dont need their approval, im a big girl and can make my own choices in life.

i love him he loves me we are getting married end of story begining of our fairytale

NittysWife
05-28-2008, 04:49 PM
my mother doesn't like him period. The rest of my family is okay with it because we've all known him so long. Hopefully my mother tries to like him one day but if not...

it's my happiness!!!

timsbaby41
05-28-2008, 07:07 PM
We are mwi so no one knew him before.My mom,dad,sister and brother inlaw are fine Since i told my oldest brother he hasn't said more then 4 words to me.That is his problem not mine.

Jillian
05-28-2008, 08:56 PM
We are mwi so no one knew him before.My mom,dad,sister and brother inlaw are fine Since i told my oldest brother he hasn't said more then 4 words to me.That is his problem not mine.

you know its crazy though you would think that ppl would think about it both ways cause if it was reversed i am sure he would want you to understand.

Hisoneandonly
05-29-2008, 06:52 AM
My parents didn't like him before...Long story..But me and my husband have known each other for 14 years and been off an on that long lol...
They would love for me to leave him, and have even offered to buy me a home lol and a new car (i'm driving a huge gas gulzler 80's model bronco) if I would leave him. But I love him to much and I take my vows seriously, so no amount of money or pressure from my family would cuase me to leave him.

Tepee
06-09-2008, 04:16 PM
Our families are very supportive and so are my friends. My family knew my husband before he was incarcerated so I guess that makes things a little easier for us. There are times when I'm talking to my family and they ask "how long does he have left?" and when I answer with "a little more than 5 years" that's when you see the sadness in my family's eyes. They love us both very much but they also know how hard it has to be for me to be by myself for so long. Even though my mom loves him dearly I think deep down she wishes I would have made different decisions. My step-dad is great he just loves to see me smiles and says that a lot when I speak of my husband. BUT no one in my family dislikes or hates him by any means even with him being a VO.

The Fox
06-11-2008, 03:21 PM
We are MWI, so my family at this time doesn't know what he is in for. Besides my sister and friends (who are like extended family) and they see how happy I am. At first they didn't even want me to talk to him but I told them if we based everything on someone's past most of us wouldn't be friends and some of ya'll wouldn't be married. And since I told them that they haven't said anything else about leaving him or not speaking to him.

sadgirlnsnaps
06-20-2008, 02:08 PM
My Dad Hates My Husband So Much And He Wants Him To Stay In There Forever I Just Make Him Mad By Showing Him All The Letters That I Get From Him..... It's My Life I Don;t Care If People Love Us Or Hate Us......

meeganv
06-23-2008, 09:43 AM
My family is supportive of me, and they all have different ways of showing it. I have known my fiance since high school, which makes it just over 16 years now. He has been in prison for 8 years, with 9 years to go.

My father is very concerned that something is wrong with me, emotionally/psychologically, that this kind of relationships makes me happy. He's concerned that I'm making a mistake, he's worried that it will affect my job and my relationships with people on the outside if they know the truth. He's also expressed concern that it could even affect his job. He is worried that my man is "institutionalized" beyond repair and that when he gets out I'm going to realize what a mistake this was because we'll have so many difficulties. Bottom line, he thinks I'm making a big mistake and wants me to seek counseling to get to the bottom of why I love this man so much. That being said...I know he loves me, and as worried as he is and as against this as he is, he has not "bashed" my man, nor has his "VO" been made an issue of.

My mother supports us both, as best she can. She has nothing against him, embraces him and recognizes that he is a good person. She has expressed the fact that this certainly is not the relationship or marriage she would have ever hoped for me, she has concerns, it doesn't sit well with her. At the same time, Mom and I have discussed many of my friends' relationships - one high school friend has been married for 15 years, and is miserable. Nothing is "wrong" in the marriage, she just feels "stuck", it's been many many years since she's felt she was in love with him and she is very unhappy and frustrated. My cousin's husband (and seeming soulmate, they are like the eternal honeymoon lovey-dovey couple) cheated on her last year. They are working it out but it's been a very difficult time for her. Another friend recently got out of an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. Mom and I discussed that these are not just "worst case scenarios", but unfortunately a range of what is the "norm" in many relationships. Mom then admitted that in the end, she knows how happy I am, and as much as the idea of my marrying an inmate doesn't appeal to her, she'd rather see me happy in my role as a prison wife, than unhappy in the relationships many "normal" people are in.

My protective uncle, who works in the intelligence field, upon hearing the news of my engagement immediately ran a background check on him and his whole family...I had to laugh at that, figured I could have saved him the trouble and let him in on the "secret" that my intended has a criminal record.

My brother, who is much younger than I am, thinks our story is all very "Hollywood". He brags about his "bad-ass soon to be brother-in-law" to all of his friends. :D

Cousins think I'm pretty nuts, but also think it's great because they figure they have a "Get Out of Jail Free" card for years, because no matter what they do that upsets the family, it can't compare to "Megan marrying a murderer"! (I try to politely point out that his charge is not Murder, but they prefer to scandalize it as best they can :))

No one has disowned me, but with many family members it's just not a topic of converstaion - unless, it seems, I'm not present, LOL. Whatever, sometimes it's hard because I am close to my family and wish they could embrace him, but at the same time I understand that until he is out and they have the opportunity to get to know him for themselves, that is just not going to happen.

Missin_My_Babii
09-04-2008, 10:09 AM
I am waiting on my husband. He has been in 10 yrs this year and my family loves him and knows him for him. Everyone makes mistakes and they know this. I do have some acquaintences that dont approve, but that is their choice and I choose not to have negitive minded ppl in my life.... If you cant support me in my life style then... BYE!! LOL. I have to do what feels right to me.

LostTime
10-01-2008, 03:44 AM
Well half do and half don't be either way I don't care if they
accept him or not, it's not up to them who my heart loves

StormChild
10-05-2008, 09:17 AM
My family accept his violent crime, but not the fact that he's in prison. This drives me nuts, because it's not as though he chooses to be there.

neptune08
10-06-2008, 06:58 PM
My mom has tried to be quiet, but there are things he's done while inside that NO ONE approves of! I try to be there for our son, but even I have to tell him the truth...I hope he's learned of his transgressions while inside...

Jillian
10-13-2008, 11:08 PM
My mom has tried to be quiet, but there are things he's done while inside that NO ONE approves of! I try to be there for our son, but even I have to tell him the truth...I hope he's learned of his transgressions while inside...

the best thing to do is to be truthful with him.

lizmom
11-01-2008, 04:04 PM
My child's father was accepted by my immediate family at first. He started to treat me badly and now that he is back in prison, I get the feeling they all wish he would go away forever. I know that even if I could forgive him for the wrong things he has done to me and my child, my family will never accept him.

preciousgem
11-08-2008, 12:13 AM
My family accepted him until we started dating. They knew him for almost 10 years until we started dating... now that we're together... they don't accept him what so ever!! Their loss not mine.

Jillian
11-18-2008, 08:29 PM
My family accepted him until we started dating. They knew him for almost 10 years until we started dating... now that we're together... they don't accept him what so ever!! Their loss not mine.
I think you family is going thru the whole he is not good enough for you, good enough to be your friend but nothing more than that. Thats not fair for them to turn against him like that he is the same person he was before you all got together so why should they act like that . thats wrong they wouldn't want anyone to judge their loved one.

rosfriend
11-22-2008, 11:08 AM
How does your family feel about your loved ones crime/title? Has anyone who has known him prior feelings changed? Do they think negative of him now that he is incarcerated? Has any of your family tried to encourage you to leave him?

At first some of the family were upset with him, but seeing that i have forgiven my husband the majority have as well. there are still some who are still skeptical about how he will be once he gets released. Its like i told them we all make mistakes and if there isn't someone who is willing to give them a chance, then how can they want to make a change.

Thanks for sharing

Most of my relatives who knew him have passed away. I have one living relative who does know him, and has really took it upon themselves to give me the 'watch out' warning.

I always feel like saying 'what do you think he's going to do from behind prison bars????' But I'm polite about it and thank them for their concern.

Some of my family looks down on me for my contact with him. All I have to say about that is that I have not lived a perfectly spotless life myself. In fact, had I not been lucky in my youth, I'd probably be in right along with him, so I don't feel as judgmental as my relatives do.

Mesmerized
12-28-2008, 07:10 PM
My mom accepts him. She loves him. But at first I had problems with her. My dad doesn't know. I already know he won't accept him at all.

PTO-79211
12-30-2008, 02:16 PM
Some of my family does accept him. My sister...grandmother...cousin...but the rest of my family does not..but I know it is because they dont know him. When he gets home...and they have had time to talk to him face to face...and not in prison...I hope they come to accept him.

Even if they dont...it doesnt matter to me...I love him...he makes me happy...and is so good to me and our daughter...and that is what matters :)

Waiting4MyLuv
01-11-2009, 05:01 AM
My family loves him. They know that he makes me and our boy happy and that's all that matters to them. My dad and step-mom even go visit from time to time. Not often, though, because I don't like to share my time! I'm currently living with my oldest brother, who's been in law enforcement for 14 years, and he's completely supportive. He even reminds me to send my guy money! When my guy first caught his charge, I worried over what my family would think, especially my oldest brother (I'm closest to him), but they all surprised me. My oldest brother told me that people make mistakes and you can't judge them by those mistakes. My other brother isn't really supportive, but he accepts that my guy is a part of my life and that's not going to change. Now..my extended family is another story. Luckily, I don't care as I haven't had anything to do with them since my mom's death in '02...but that's another story.

MurphyGirl
01-11-2009, 11:28 AM
Since my vo and I have been having problems, my family has pretty much dropped their support of him. They pretty much want to to divorce him and move away, start a new life with a man who will be there for me.

Jillian
01-12-2009, 01:16 AM
Since my vo and I have been having problems, my family has pretty much dropped their support of him. They pretty much want to to divorce him and move away, start a new life with a man who will be there for me.

Sorry to hear that you and him are having problems. Just follow your heartand do what makes you happy. If ya need to talk always know that i am here for ya.

SouthernGyrl
01-12-2009, 10:11 AM
My family likes him, but they wouldn't want me with him regardless of what his charge was.

his_forever
02-07-2009, 09:38 PM
We are mwi and no one in my family wants to take the time to try to get to know him. My mom has started to act a little better about him now though. But almost everyone has had a turn at trying to sabotage our relationship. It's really kind of sad because my tbear is the one who keeps me from just walking away from my family -- he respects that they are worried about me, but after all this time I can't see it that way...

maenjoey
03-29-2009, 05:44 PM
My family is so brady bunch at first glance. No one even in my extended family has a record, so when I informed my mother about my relationship with my man I skimmped on the details. When It got more serious after about six months I informed her of more of the details. I consider my mother to be a pretty open minded person but not when it comes to breaking the law, she doesn't understand violence and will avoid arguments at all cost even verbal ones. She was immediatly afraid if I broke up with him he would somehow blame her and go on some homicidal spree. Or seek revenge if I so much as looked at another man. I know him better than anyone I have seen sides of him that no one else has. I would not allow someone into my life, personally, that I thought would be a threat to me or my family. I found out that his parole would be revoked and my mother has been witnessing the grieving process and she has been surpriseingly open minded about it. I think because she sees how much I love him. I haven't really told the rest of my family... but I don't have to yet. People are afraid of the unknown but just because someone makes a mistake doesn't mean that they're a bad person it just means that they made bad decisions. Doesn't every human do that?

LoveMyLeo
03-29-2009, 06:21 PM
My immediate family doesn't like him and they don't even know what he's in for. Alot of my cousins know him from before he went it, so they are not as worried. It doesn't matter to me either way because at the end of the day that is MY man. They don't have to deal with him, I do.

Derek'sWife
12-14-2009, 10:08 PM
Well, although he is in for a non-violent drug charge, I do have family with an opinion.
They knew him before, and liked him just fine. We split up for a few years and got back together after he had caught this bid and already done 4 years on it.
They were supportive in many ways, helping to provide transportation for me to visit, but at the same time, they were wary of me being so intimately involved and comitted to a man in prison. They didn't see him as a bad person, but never dealt with the system before and had a hard time accepting their daughter being 100% comitted to someone who could potentially be gone for a very long time. And also, they had witnessed me in 2 very abusive relationships previously and didn't want to see me hurt again.
It's been 3 years we've been together again, and they are quite a bit more understanding than at first. They see me happy...truly happy...for the first time in my life. They see that he is good to me and for me...that we are good for each other. Of course, they still want to reserve their ultimate opinion until they see us together out here in the world again.

...and of course, there will always be that too...show and prove...that's what all our families want to see, I think.
The ones who worry about us most want to see our men come home and not repeat the same destructive patterns as before...the lure of easy money, violence, addiction...whatever it was that made our loved ones end up in prison in the first place.


Your post was so close to home for me. Thank you. I think that's what it is. Our families are just protective of us and want the best for us. But they're discouraging at times and it sucks. Feels like no one understands your situation. At least for me. I find comfort in this site.

ebbeysweets
12-15-2009, 06:57 PM
my babe is considered a vo. My family doesnt like him bc of how our relationship went the first time around..they would DIE if they found out that he was a VO. He accidently killed his bf. :( I get days where I want to visit the gravesite...out of curiosity, I didnt know the guy. He says things that are reminders that he is a VO and that bothers me. I let him know and we change the subject.

mrscaldwell
12-17-2010, 04:43 PM
my mom wasnt excatly thrilled when she heard 2nd degree murder but after reading the whole case and getting to know my husband shes come around not enough to visit but they write back and forth! so im hopefull with time she will finally come around and wanna and meet my husband! (she thinks when she goes to visit there will be a riot) she watched way too many msnbc lock up shows)

Tina
02-03-2011, 10:12 AM
My family didnt really know my love before he went in. My dad met him once when he was 12 and my mom and sister met him a few years later when he was 14. They have ALL tried to encourage me to leave him. It makes me sad, but it is what it is.

BeautifulLadyT
02-05-2011, 11:54 PM
Hello, Im new to prison talk but its nice to have people to talk to who understands what your going through. My boyfriend is in prison & has been there for years. We knew eachother before he went in but lost contact. We have been together now 2 years but my family is not happy at all. Over the years I have had a cycle of dating guys who went to prison & married one while in jail. I decided to stop talking to family & friends about him or his charge because I got tired of arguing & trying to defend him/us. We was suppose to get married but I called it off because I was worried about what others would say. I love him & believe he is my husband but I dont know what to do or if I will have the courage/strength to stand for our marriage. I dont want to loose him because Im worried about other people. Does anybody have advice?

Ashmari3
08-24-2011, 08:44 PM
Hi everyone :) Im new here. I havnt told many people but the ones that know are not suportive.